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Spirits maker Diageo and ‘Diddy’ ended their partnership after he accused them of marketing his Ciroc vodka and DeLeon tequila as “urban” brands. Diageo denied the claims, then shared a recipe mixing Ciroc & Colt 45 malt liquor as a ‘Diddypolitan’.

Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce reportedly said “f… my life!” every time the team ran their famous ‘tush push’ short-yardage play. Quarterback Chase Young of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers said it before every play and practice.

A woman named Samantha Hart claims that her employer changes their email address protocol of first initial/last name to avoid the accidentally vulgar ‘shart@…’ prefix. She requested they just add a number so it’s ‘shart#2@…’

People with index fingers shorter than their ring fingers are more likely to be psychopaths. Just ask them to let go of the knife before you get a good look at their hands.

Kate, Princess of Wales, is expected to be hospitalized up to two weeks following abdominal surgery to remove several of the late Queen Elizabeth II’s famous scones that have been stuck there for years.

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai warned staff that more layoffs are coming. It’s so bad, Google AI bots are sending out resumes.

Kanye West reportedly spent $850,000 to have his teeth removed and replaced with titanium dentures. He then paid Procter & Gamble $1 million to develop mint-flavored Dawn dish detergent so he could brush them.

3M began issuing payments after losing a $6 billion judgment over its combat earplugs not working. Injured soldiers would be happy to hear this news if they could.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that head coach Mike McCarthy would return next season, despite the team’s blowout playoff loss to Green Bay. Asked to explain his decision, Jones stated “Belichick said no.”

A passenger on a budget airline was stuck in the jet’s bathroom for the duration of a flight because the lock broke. The passenger received an apology from the crew, but the passengers in the last rows next to the bathroom were the ones who really suffered.

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Dollar Tree stores announced they’ll raise the price of most items to $1.25. Hundreds of employees quit rather than taking a required 8-week training course ‘Making Change’.

Philadelphia recorded its 500th homicide on Wednesday, trailing Chicago by 200 killings, but still good enough to secure a Wild Card berth in the 2021 National Murder Playoffs.

New, heavily-mutated COVID variants have been positively identified in South Africa and Belgium, forcing North American tourists to cancel really long, boring vacations.

Israel also declared an emergency after a rise in new COVID cases and strains, with Prime Minister Naftali Bennett raising the national threat level from ‘be careful, bubby’ to ‘Oy vey!’.

Egypt celebrated the reopening of the famed Avenue of the Sphinxes in Luxor with a gala parade, capped off with an appearance from Mummy Claus.

Peter Buck, the nuclear physicist who co-founded Subway sandwich shops, died at age 90. Buck is widely credited for using sub-atomic particle splicing to create the world’s chintziest meat sandwich.

A North Korean man was sentenced to death by firing squad for smuggling video of Squid Game into the country. His family begged for leniency, saying he’s mentally ill for wanting to return to North Korea after leaving.

Procter & Gamble is recalling 18 Old Spice and Secret aerosol deodorants because they contain a cancer-causing chemical. Consumers should return the products for a refund, unless they already have cancer and stink.

Kim Kardashian and Pete Davidson are still together, making 2021 the first Thanksgiving in decades where Kim didn’t have dark meat.

Claire, a Scottish deerhound, became the first-ever repeat Best In Show winner at the National Dog Show. “Bitch”, muttered the runners-up.

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Veteran NHL announcer Mike ‘Doc’ Emrick did play-by-play commentary over video of an auto mechanic replacing his car’s windshield wiper. Viewers called it “still more exciting than soccer”.

Walmart announced they’re seeking to hire up to 150,000 new workers – 140,000 for warehouses, and 10,000 bouncers for the toilet paper aisle.

Anyone can audit Yale University’s ‘Happiness’ course for free. For $49 you can complete assignments and receive a grade. People dumb enough to pay the money and get a ‘D’ get angry, then have their Happiness grade lowered to ‘F’.

Elon Musk bought over 1,200 ventilators from China and had them air-shipped to Los Angeles. They’ll be donated to hospitals as soon as they’re cleaned by the 2,400 robots he’s still building.

A Gallup poll says one in five adults is wearing a fitness tracker; and three in five drawers are holding one.

Jeff Bezos posted a four-page letter to Amazon workers on Instagram, claiming his sole focus is on company operations during the COVID-19 outbreak. Warehouse employees lost a grand total of $2 billion in pay taking unauthorized bathroom breaks to read it.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that the COVID-19 virus can live for up to three hours in aerosol form. Procter & Gamble announced an immediate recall of Cinnamon Vanilla Coronavirus Febreze.

Scientists discovered an ancient, wormlike creature over 500 million years old and the ancestor of all living mammals. It refused to wear a condom.

Instacart is planning to hire 30,000 grocery delivery workers. Applicants must have a valid drivers license, and the strength to toss a 20-pound bag of groceries on to a porch from 10 feet away.

Hobby Lobby chief executive David Green sent a letter to stores, claiming his wife ‘had a heavenly vision’ that God would protect them from sickness. “I had it too!” said a store worker holding a large tube of modeling glue.

 

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A parking space in Hong Kong sold for almost a million dollars. Since it’s a parallel parking space, the owner is still trying to get in it.

180 locations of Destination Maternity and Mother Maternity stores are closing. Executives cite competition from online stores, and condoms.

A woman in England dubbed “Otter Lady” walks around her village with an otter perched on her shoulder, right next to what’s left of her ear and face on that side.

Procter & Gamble is removing the ‘woman’ symbol from Always feminine pads to be more inclusive toward trans women, and as they start a campaign touting their use as drink coasters.

Nearly two dozen Republican members of Congress barged into a closed-door impeachment hearing in protest, and because they heard they had muffins and coffee.

An Arkansas hunter was killed after being attacked by the deer he just shot. State fish & game officials condemned the senseless killing over just a buck .

Citing their correlation with some cancers, the FDA is recommending a “boxed warning” on labeling materials for breast implants – apparently because some women like to put their old implants in the box that the new ones came in.

Scientists claim rats taught to drive tiny cars showed higher emotional resilience and reduced stress levels. The rats driving alone showed reduced stress, but the ones with a partner questioning their route and asking for bathroom stops did not.

  • Several of the rats decided to stop driving after finding how much cheese they have to pay for auto insurance.

Pest control company Terminix ranked Philadelphia as the most bedbug-infested city in the U.S. The good news is Philly bugs are also the easiest to spot because they’re really fat.

A Canadian court ruled against a transgender woman who sued beauticians for discrimination because they wouldn’t do a Brazilian bikini wax on her penis and testicles. The beauticians claim they weren’t trained to wax male genitalia and besides, they just finished lunch.

 

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Florida will hold a recount of votes for U.S. Senate and gubernatorial elections. The state Board of Elections put out a call for volunteers to report to election bureaus so highly-skilled Floridian counters can have some extra fingers for the really big numbers.

In Paris, a topless woman charged the motorcade carrying President Trump past a crowd of protesters. She was subdued by police before Trump had a chance to open his door and let her in.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is suing MillerCoors to extend a brewing agreement between the companies. Pabst claims that if the agreement is ended, they’ll go out of business. Attorneys for Pabst arrived at the hearing via an Uber Pool wearing flannel shirts, dirty boots and black wool stocking caps.

A new study by researchers at University of British Columbia and the Harvard TH Chan School of public health advises that women of all ages should wait a year between pregnancies. The study was conducted with the help of a lot of broke, tired, parents.

Another study from United Nations advocacy group FP2020 said that more women in the poorest countries are embracing forms of modern contraception. The report states that contraceptive use would be even higher if the men would stop hiding the condoms.

According to gossip site Radar Online, Kim Kardashian held a ‘quiet intervention’ for husband Kanye West after he continually refused to take his psychiatric meds. Then, Kanye arrived and it turned in to a ‘not quiet intervention’.

Next Monday night, the NFL’s best teams – the Kansas City Chiefs and Los Angeles Rams – play in Mexico City.  Betting odds put the game’s over/under at a record high 64 points, with another record over/under of 3 for visiting Chiefs & Rams players kidnapped by drug lords.

Nielsen says viewers age 18-to -34 watching traditional tv is down 15% this year, and has dropped 36% since 2014.  A spokesman at CBS said they’re not worried, that younger people will come stampeding back when word gets out about hip technology-focused shows like ‘God Friended Me’.

The Vatican told the U.S. Conference of Bishops to delay voting on measures to hold bishops accountable for victims of clergy sexual abuse — saying that Pope Francis had already spent the money on booze and ecstasy for one last huge altar boy rager.

Procter & Gamble said that it will reconfigure Tide detergent so that Amazon can ship it in a new eco-friendly box that dispenses the liquid. They’ll also set up a website to show millennials used to eating Tide Pods how to do Detergent Shots instead.

 

 

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President Trump will visit North Carolina to assess the damage from Hurricane Florence; shares of Procter & Gamble – maker of Bounty paper towels – were up in early trading.

Denise Mueller-Korenek broke the world speed record for riding a bicycle at 183.93 miles per hour. She achieved the feat being towed behind a race car, then detaching and operating the pedals herself. Her ride ended when she ran into the opened door of the race car.

North Korea said it would close a key missile test facility and shut down its primary nuclear complex if the United States agrees to corresponding measures. “You got it, Kim!” said Defense Secretary James Mattis with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Brady Bunch actress Maureen McCormick talked to Us Weekly about her battles with drug addiction, saying her Mom & Dad almost had her arrested because it had gotten so bad. They didn’t because McCormick’s future husband gave her an ultimatum to get clean, and because Mom & Dad were busy planning a trip to Hawaii.

In a new book about New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, author Ian O’Connor claims that then-University of Florida coach Urban Meyer warned Belichick not to draft Aaron Hernandez because of his propensity to lie and smoke pot. Hernandez went on to be convicted for murder, leading Meyer to say “oh, that too.”

Identical twin sisters Jalynne April Crawford and Janelle Ann Leopoldo gave birth to sons on the same day at the same hospital. The sisters thanked God, and the hospital’s 2-for-1 c-section Groupon.

Stormy Daniels is releasing a new tell-all book in which she claims that Donald Trump has “a d— that looks like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” Trump has repeatedly denied sticking his Toad into her Mushroom Gorge.

Online gaming platform Steam debuted its first hardcore porn game, an anime visual novel titled ‘Negligee: Love Stories’. The object of the game is to make sexual choices as one of four female characters, and to shut it off as quickly as you can when your mom enters the room.

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day — not to be confused with International Act Like a Pirate Day, when you can murder people and steal their boat.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the 25 Most Expensive Cars to Insure in the U.S. Topping the list? The all-electric Tesla Model S. The Model S has a high collision-repair cost, and a high comprehensive claim rate due to owners pumping gasoline in to the plug.

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Britain’s Queen Elizabeth fired her 82-year-old bra fitter, June Kenton, over Kenton’s book titled Storm in a D-Cup. There’s that, and the fact that they’re both too old to pick up big, heavy things off the floor.

Teens are putting Tide detergent pods in their mouths and recording it as part of the Tide Pod Challenge. Procter & Gamble said that people shouldn’t put Tide pods in their mouth; but if they do, they’re likely to get twice as many views as the leading bargain brand.

According to the U.S. Geological Survey, scientists have discovered layers of water ice buried feet beneath the surface of Mars. “Ask if they have lemon” said a researcher from Philadelphia.

First Lady Melania Trump hired 27-year-old Reagan Thompson to be her new director of policy. Thompson is to advance Mrs. Trump’s signature policies including reducing bullying, helping children, and wearing white after Labor Day if you’re visiting a disaster area like Puerto Rico or Houston.

Saudi Arabia opened its first new car showroom just for women, in advance of the country allowing women drivers for the first time. Four women suffered minor injuries in a pileup at the ladies room.

President Trump repeatedly asked lawmakers attending a meeting on DACA/Dreamers legislation why the U.S. should take in immigrants from “shithole” countries like Haiti and African nations. GOP lawmakers co-sponsoring the bill replied:

  • For the great health care;
  • Because they need guns;
  • They were in line way ahead of the Puerto Ricans.

A malware bug, labeled Adult Swine, is causing children’s game apps in the Google Play store to display pornography.  A Google spokesperson urged Android users to avoid downloading ‘Pokemon Gangbang’.

The Las Vegas Convention center experienced a power blackout during the Consumer Electronics Show. No injuries were reported, however, Las Vegas emergency rooms were backlogged treating men who’d been tasered by ‘booth babes’.

A U.K butcher locked himself in a walk-in freezer, then used a large frozen sausage as a battering ram to break free. Asked why he used the sausage, he said he got the idea after calling his wife.

Abyss Creations showed off its new ‘Harmony’ sex doll at the Las Vegas Consumer Electronics show. The new version has swappable faces so a single doll can be two different women, a feature added after owners complained about having to take ‘no’ for an answer.