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A ‘Women of NASA’ LEGO set will be released on November 1st.  Collectors are already demanding to know why Princess Leia isn’t included in it.

  • The hope is that the set will encourage more young women to pursue careers in STEM fields, or to get jobs stacking bricks.

Boston company Global Protection introduced myONE Perfect fit, a line of 60 custom-fit condoms offered in 10 different lengths and 9 different widths, all of which ship in foil packages labeled XXL.

  • Men interested in trying the product can download a kit to measure their penis, to ensure both proper fit and guaranteed disappointment in the result.

SeaWorld announced they’re laying off 350 workers. Employees arrived to find notes pinned to the tanks reading “Go, fish.”

Ivanka Trump contributes several paragraphs to her mother Ivana’s memoir Raising Trump, claiming that she went through a “punk phase”. As proof, Ivanka produced ticket stubs from a Jem and the Holograms concert.

Billy Joel’s wife is pregnant, answering critics who state he hasn’t come out with anything new in decades.

Google Maps removed a feature where walking distances were equated to the number of cupcake calories burned, after complaints that it would trigger those with eating disorders. Critics complained that the move was too politically correct, and that people with eating disorders are probably driving to get their cupcakes anyway.

Secret Service agents arrested a Kentucky man after he scaled the White House fence wearing a Pikachu costume. The incident inspired a new mobile game, Pokemon Freeze Or We’ll Blow Your Head Off.

Delta Airlines debuted its new Airbus A350 widebody jet on Tuesday in Atlanta, taking journalists on a 2p demonstration flight that left at 5p due to mechanical issues.

The National Retail Federation projects Halloween spending will hit a record high of $9.1 Billion this year. Spending on costumes projects at $3.4 Billion, candy at $2.7 Billion, and the rest spent on decorations, DUI lawyers, and pressure washers to clean houses that give out candy corn.

Florida Governor Rick Scott declared a state of emergency in advance of white supremacist Richard Spencer’s scheduled speech at the University of Florida in Gainesville. Spencer’s speech is a ticketed event, as opposed to most southern racism, which is general admission.

 

 

 

 

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A 25 year-old Ohio father was arrested after donning a scary clown mask and chasing his 6 year-old daughter around the neighborhood to discipline her. He was apprehended when ordered by police to put his hands up, at which point his pants fell down.

Chipotle introduced queso to the menu at its restaurants last week, but commenters on Twitter have expressed disappointment. Worse, the mice filmed at Chipotle over the summer can be seen in a new video scraping the queso off of chips before eating them.

A study in this month’s International Journal of Obesity states that weight loss may be influenced by what’s in dieter’s poop. The study found more weight loss among those whose feces contained a higher ratio of Prevotella to Bacteroides bacteria; and less weight loss among those whose feces contained whole Snickers bars.

Donald Trump Jr. is declining his Secret Service protection so that he can have more privacy. The Secret Service complied, then winked and crossed their fingers behind their backs.

It’s been revealed that former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort has been under U.S. government audio surveillance for 3 years. FBI agents now know how to say “urinating hooker” in several Eastern European dialects.

Toys R Us declared bankruptcy. The iconic retailer is so deep in debt, the only Hatchimals they can afford to sell this Christmas are knockoffs that require children to sit on them.

82 locations of Kohl’s stores will pack & ship Amazon returns for free. Kohl’s said it’s the least they can do to help out the bully that will eventually punch them out of business.

President Trump addressed the United Nations on Tuesday morning. Asked for their opinions after the speech, the President said it ‘went very well’; Ivanka Trump called it “excellent” and Eric Trump asked if it was time for lunch yet.

  • Trump again referred to Kim Jong-Un as ‘Rocket Man’ and said the North Korean leader was on a “suicide mission” – hinting that the President enjoys Heavy Metal as well as Classic Rock.

In Geneva, Switzerland, investigators are questioning two Spanish women who flushed 100,000 Euros down toilets at a UBS bank branch and several nearby restaurants. Speculation is that the women were involved in money laundering, or panicked when discovering the bank and restaurants lacked a bidet.

Sunday night’s Emmy Awards set a record for lowest-rated Emmy broadcast, a claim expected to be repeatedly disputed by surprise guest Sean Spicer.

A study in the journal Child Development finds that teenagers of today are slower than teens of the 70s, 80s & 90s to take steps toward independence such as driving, getting a job and dating. Teens reacting to the survey said “whatever”.

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Ellen Frey-Wouters, an 88 year-old widow with no children, left $300,000 to her two cats when she died this week. The cats intend to use some of the money to hold a party at their house for needy neighborhood mice.

Hong Inh, a 103 year-old woman from Cambodia, received new U.S. citizenship after taking the oath in Los Angeles just this week.  She emigrated to the U.S. six years ago and boy are her arms tired from fighting off ICE Agents trying to deport her.

Police were summoned when Jon & Kate Gosselin, divorced tv-reality-show parents, argued at an orthodontist’s office over who would drive home their daughter. TLC immediately ordered 13 episodes of ‘Jon & Kate Go To The Dentist’.

Samsung introduced the Galaxy Note 8, smartphone successor to its infamous Note 7, which was pulled from the market after repeated battery fires. It features two 12-megapixel cameras, a 6.3 inch display, and a button that pops up when it reaches 165 degrees.

Mavis Wanczyk, a 53 year-old single medical worker from Chicopee, Massachusetts, claimed the $758 million Powerball jackpot. Asked what she planned to do, she said “first I want to sit back and relax.” Then she said she wanted to wreck Tom Brady’s marriage.

A six year-old boy in Louisiana found his twin cousins face down in a pool at a family party – he pulled them out, yelled for help and started chest compressions, possibly saving their lives. The boy said it was what he ‘had to do’ – to have the pool to himself.

The Secret Service spent $7,100 on the rental of luxury portable toilets for the duration of President Trump’s 17-day ‘working vacation’ at his Bedminster, New Jersey golf club, and that’s not including the cost of magazines and iPads.

President Trump retweeted a meme of his head ‘eclipsing’ that of President Barack Obama, captioned ‘Best Eclipse Ever’ – which it is, to those who prefer a cold airless sea of dust & craters to warm, life-giving light.

Amazon’s acquisition of Whole Foods is expected to close on Monday; Amazon says that its first order of business will be to lower prices on many items, to bring the organic experience within reach of many more arrogant snobs.

Harley Davidson introduced eight newly-redesigned cruising motorcycles, to the delight of accounting middle managers who think they’re badasses.

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A new study from the University of Missouri finds that spanking children does not change their behavior. It does, however, change parent’s behavior — making them big fans of spanking.

A group of men having a bachelor party, stranded on a sandbar off the South Carolina coast, was rescued by the Coast Guard. However the Coast Guard has suspended the ocean search for a seriously sunburned stripper.

A Japanese bar is using macaque monkeys as waiters & waitresses to entertain tourists. The monkeys bring food and drinks to the table, then grossed-out patrons summon a human to take it all back.

The Secret Service states that they’ve depleted their budget due to the expense of protecting President Trump’s large family and accompanying him on golf trips. That, and Eric Trump is making them pay for their own greens fees, carts and meals.

Major League Baseball umpires are donning white wristbands to protest verbal abuse by players, and what they claim is the Commissioner’s weak discipline of offending players. The umps may have to change from white to a different color, since many of them are mistaking the wristbands for the ball and calling them strikes.

Elon Musk has called for a ban on autonomous killer robots – which he calls a bigger potential threat to humanity than nuclear weapons. He made the statement during a keynote address to an annual meeting of autonomous non-killer robots building Tesla cars and SpaceX rockets.

NASA released a photo of the International Space Station crossing the path of the solar eclipse. NASA thanked the ISS Crew, then rushed a launch sending a new crew, since all of the astronauts on the Station were blinded while taking pictures.

Google introduced its new Android operating system, Oreo. Google begs everyone to remember that this is just named after a cookie, not anything racist.

Maine’s Republican Governor Paul LePage said that removing Confederate statues is like taking down 9/11 memorials. Maine has neither, so the Governor commissioned a sculpture of Robert E Lee crashing a giant bird into George Washington’s boat as he crossed the Delaware.

In 2020, Volkswagen will introduce a fully-electric version of its iconic 1960s/70s Minibus, a favorite of road-tripping hippies during the era, who spawned the phrase “ass, gas or grass – nobody rides for free.” The new vehicle slogan is “hugs, drugs or electric plugs – nobody rides for free.”