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Philadelphia’s Police Department is understaffed by 200 officers. To increase recruits, they’re offering a starting salary of $55,000, and every cadet who completes academy training will receive a special bribe.

Disney unveiled a real-life lightsaber. They’ll sell it in gift shops at Disney Parks exits, so kids won’t decapitate each other at the Happiest Place on Earth.

The FAA says more airline passengers are exhibiting unruly behavior now that travel has resumed. They’ve cited anti-mask arguments, smuggling alcohol aboard, and, on Spirit Airlines, passengers fistfighting outside of the designated fistfight rows.

Kim Kardashian went golfing. But was disappointed she couldn’t hit black balls.

Bill & Melinda Gates did not have a prenup. Instead, they’ll split their wealth and property according to a “Separation Agreement” they drafted. It’s a six-word document reading “We’ll always be incredibly f***ing rich.”

Joe Biden set a goal to vaccinate 160 million Americans by July 4th. His plans include shooting loaded needles in to the air during fireworks displays.

A one-in-30-million calico lobster made it to a tank at a Manassas, Virginia Red Lobster. The lobster lived, but will have to grow back the claws that some guy ate.

A 6-year-old girl ran safely to shore in shallow water off the coast of Oahu, Hawai’i after a shark was spotted within inches of her. Lifeguards then started adult swim.

Justin Bieber returned to wearing dreadlocks, concerned that he was losing his connection with other white douchebags.

Donald Trump started a new blog, ‘From the Desk of Donald J. Trump’. It’s the usual lamebrained rantings about election fraud and people he doesn’t like, along with a big red button you can click to order Diet Coke.

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Four grey whales were found dead in the San Francisco Bay over the course of nine days. Investigators suspect a serial shark.

Three elderly females in India were accidentally given rabies vaccines instead of COVID-19 vaccines. They didn’t mind because they’re 75-year-old raccoons.

Taylor Swift released a rerecorded version of her 2008 album, ‘Fearless’ – her first rerelease since the rights to her early work were sold without her authorization. In order to recapture the feeling of 2008, she asked John Mayer to dump her again.

NFL QB Deshaun Watson – facing 22 accusations of sexual harassment – said he had sex with massage therapists, but it was consensual. Teammates have remained mostly silent, except for asking Watson for the phone numbers of his massage therapists.

‘My Pillow Guy’ Mike Lindell said he hired a private investigator to find out why he’s not allowed to appear on Fox News. The p.i. made one three-minute phone call, told Lindell, “because they know you’re nuts”, then sent him a bill.

Wine makers in France are starting fires in their vineyards to avoid a freeze during a cold snap. They’re hoping to avoid a wine shortage, or maybe start a new trend of drinking warm grape juice.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s family launched a website defending her reputation. It’s called Only Fans of Human Traffickers.

Oprah is fully vaccinated and plans on throwing a big taco party to celebrate. If you’re fully vaccinated and live near Oprah, you’re still not invited.

A 25-year-old caregiver at an assisted living facility accidentally shot a 71-year-old resident in the face with his new Glock handgun. Until further notice, the facility has postponed employee show-&-tell.

Prince Harry will attend the funeral of his grandfather, Prince Philip, but his pregnant wife Meghan Markle was told not to travel by her doctor..and the Queen..and her in-laws…and the general population of England.

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Michael Phelps lost his race with a great white shark during an event to kick off Discovery Channel Shark Week. The result is not yet official, since the shark has yet to submit a urine sample.

  • Phelps told Jimmy Fallon he wished he could have swam in the open water instead of a protective cage. The shark agreed.

An alligator was spotted and captured swimming near a pier in Miami Beach. Alligators are fresh water creatures, but experts assume it left for the beach because there are more people to eat there.

Donald Trump dedicated the newest naval aircraft carrier, the USS Gerald Ford. Somehow the aircraft carrier received a 35% approval rating in a Washington Post poll.

Reports say Trump has been consulting his legal experts regarding the extent of his Presidential power to pardon. Given the number of family and staff under Federal investigation, “A Thousand Pardons” may go from being an Asian cliche to being Trump’s exit strategy.

Chris Froome won his 3rd consecutive Tour de France. Froome said his title effort took a lot of tainted blood, tainted sweat & tainted tears.

The Department of Labor ordered Wells Fargo Bank to rehire a manager who acted as whistleblower in the company’s fake account scandal, and to pay her $577,500 in back wages. Wells Fargo plans to appeal the ruling and will place the money in six checking accounts that she never asked for.

The robbery of a Fresno CA Starbucks by a man wearing a Transformers mask was foiled when a customer hit him over the head with a chair. The Decepticon was captured and the hero transformed back in to a cappuccino machine.

A Detroit real estate company ad sparked outrage. The Bedrock Detroit outdoor ad with the slogan “See Detroit Like We Do” depicted mostly white people, despite the City of Detroit being 82% black. The ad was removed, and still nobody is all that interested in seeing Detroit.

The Estate of Albert Einstein corrected an Ivanka Trump tweet, which incorrectly attributed a quote “If the facts don’t support the theory, change the facts” to Einstein, even though he never said it. Ivanka replied “there you go, changing the facts.”

Snooty, the world’s oldest manatee in captivity, died just days after his 69th birthday – as the nationwide opioid epidemic claims yet another victim.

Warner Bros and DC Comics announced a Wonder Woman sequel at San Diego Comic Con, after meeting Diana Prince’s demands to be paid ‘Bruce Wayne money’.