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Ford Motor Company has decided to keep AM radios in their new vehicles, following protests from baby boomers who claim they’re ready to trade in their ’98 Escort any year now.

Florida Governor Ron Desantis’ announcement of his presidential candidacy on Twitter alongside Elon Musk was delayed by technical issues. Eventually, the pair were able to get back online where Musk announced that Desantis was fired.

Kourtney Kardashian Barker and Travis Barker announced that they’re still trying to have a baby, but they’ve stopped in vitro fertilization treatments. Medical professionals say in vitro could have worked if Kourtney hadn’t insisted on putting makeup on the eggs for The Kardashians tv show.

The New England Patriots were caught violating offseason practice rules and had to forfeit several days of OTAs – organized/optional team activities. The players were sent home, and three Chinese massage therapists were sent back to Orchids Of Asia spa.

Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour comes to Metlife Stadium in East Rutherford, New Jersey this weekend. Swift plans to commemorate the Memorial Day weekend with a moment of silence to remember those who totally, like, died because they couldn’t get tickets.

George Washington University changed the name of their athletic teams from Colonials after student complaints that colonialism represented systemic oppression. Their new name is Revolutionaries – despite complaints from GWU athletes that it’s nearly impossible to spell.

Former Pink Floyd frontman Roger Waters took the stage at a concert in Berlin dressed as a Nazi officer, after a video message appeared condemning antisemitism. Waters further confused and angered the crowd by performing a medley of Kanye West’s greatest hits.

Disney announced 2,500 layoffs, with impacted employees notified via musical greeting cards playing It’s A Smaller World.

Conservative Megyn Kelly blasted Target for selling ‘tuck-friendly’ swimsuits for women with “extra material around the crotch, which no woman needs because we don’t have penises down South in Rio.” Some straight women defended the design, saying they now had a place to hold their phone.

A Princess Leia dress worn by Star Wars actress Carrie Fisher is expected to sell for over $1 million at auction – with the dress valued at $750,000, and the cocaine in the pockets making up the difference.

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Actor Hugh Jackman warned the public of the dangers of skin cancer after undergoing a procedure to remove cancerous lesions. He said to wear sunscreen, but make sure you remove your Wolverine claws before putting it on.

Donald Trump told a crowd of dopes at Mar a Lago that the only crime he ever committed is fearlessly defending the U.S. from those who seek to destroy it – reinforcing the notion that Trump doesn’t even know what “crime” means.

Pornhub users searched “Stormy Daniels” over 650,000 times on Tuesday – and if you push away the other stuff, you can see the smile all over her face.

Viral video confirmed a rumor that Taylor Swift is secretly transported to the stage of her Eras Tour hidden in a janitor’s cart. A new rumor started that her dancers now stand further away on stage because she reeks of Pine Sol.

Businesses and influencers are angry that 22,000 job cuts at Facebook & Instagram “gutted” the customer service department. Reached for comment, Mark Zuckerberg said “wait, we had a customer service department??”

Tiger Woods appeared at The Masters, but said he doesn’t know “how many more I have in me”. Hostesses at Augusta-area restaurants also aren’t sure how many more times they can have Woods in them.

Brandon Johnson will be the next Mayor of Chicago, after winning a runoff election with Paul Vallas. Johnson took 20 minutes at his victory celebration stopping supporters from yelling ‘Let’s Go Brandon’.

Website Nameberry says “old money” baby names are trending – like Antigone, Emeline & Pandora for girls and Alistair, Piers & Sumner for boys. Coincidentally, “old money” names are projected to be “new bullying victim” names in about eight years.

Actress Kaley Cuoco gave birth to a daughter, Matilda, 9 months after a big bang with boyfriend Tom Pelphrey.

Kim Kardashian took her family on a vacation to Japan, spending countless hours fielding questions from her children on why everyone’s butt is so flat there.