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Michael Cohen, in a hearing regarding documents seized by the FBI, revealed that Fox News anchor Sean Hannity was also a client in addition to Donald Trump.  The ‘witch hunt’ is now a ‘which hunt’ – as in, ‘which’ is the bigger scumbag client of Michael Cohen?

Desiree Linden became the first American woman to win the Boston Marathon since 1985, after six Kenyan and Ethiopian women runners froze to death.

Domino’s announced that they’re creating hotspots so that people can have pizza delivered to outdoor locations like the beach. They came up with the idea when they noticed not very many people were getting sick to their stomachs at the beach.

Former FBI Director James Comey said that Donald Trump is “morally unfit to be President.” Adding to “physically”, “mentally”, “emotionally”, “strategically” and, of course, “totally”.

The New York Times and The New Yorker shared a Pulitzer prize for public service for their reporting on Harvey Weinstein and sexual harassment in Hollywood. The winning writers exchanged polite handshakes and nobody even thought about hugging each other.

Sun Country Airlines stranded passengers in Mexico, cancelling their return flights to Minnesota. The airline is seasonal, so cancelled flights were the last ones and Sun Country refused to send other aircraft. Luckily, a benevolent Mexican stranger offered to fly stranded passengers back to the states after they each swallowed several condoms.

Starbucks CEO Kevin Armstrong said employees will undergo ‘unconscious bias’ training following the Philadelphia incident where police were called to remove two black men from the shop. The training will also prevent baristas from putting six Splenda packets in black customers’ coffees without their asking.

James Comey continued a string of tv appearances Tuesday on ABC’s Good Morning America for a follow-up conversation with George Stephanopoulos. But he had to cut it short to get to his new gig on Live! With Kelly and Comey.

Brett Favre reportedly auditioned to replace departed Jon Gruden as color announcer on Monday Night Football, but was removed from consideration for repeatedly using his penis as the quarterback on the telestrator.

Pro wrestlers Nikki Bella and John Cena have ended their engagement. Insiders claim that Cena was balking over going through with their May wedding, leading Bella to tag out. The couple requests privacy until they can explain what happened at the next Wrestlemania.

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The New Yorker is reporting that a doorman at one of Donald Trump’s buildings was paid $30,000 not to discuss a story about a Trump building housekeeper allegedly bearing a child fathered by Trump. Not only did Trump supposedly get the housekeeper pregnant, he announced his missile strike on her two full days in advance.

A new study from the University of Connecticut reports that public restroom hand dryers suck up fecal matter and blow it back on users’ hands. The study also concluded that those are some pretty goddamned powerful bathroom hand dryers at the University of Connecticut.

President Trump has proposed rejoining the Trans-Pacific Partnership, presumably with a porn star he met in Japan.

Khloe Kardashian gave birth to a daughter with boyfriend Tristan Thompson, just days after allegations emerged that Thompson is a ‘serial cheater’, with gossip outlets posting images of him with several different women.  Thompson was present at the birth of his daughter, confident that he has three more affairs until he fouls out of the relationship.

A plastic surgeon in NYC who specializes in creating “designer nipples” for women say they ask for the “Kendall Jenner look”  – firmer nipples to highlight their breasts through their clothing. He said that if the surgery doesn’t take, the women still get a consolation prize of an old white t-shirt.

A bank robber stopped at Taylor Swift’s vacation home to throw stolen money over the fence to get her attention. She swiftly released a catchy diss track insulting the guy for not stealing and throwing more money.

Former FBI Director James Comey sat for an interview with ABC News’ George Stephanopoulos, which airs Sunday. So in the course of a month, ABC and CBS will have aired Sunday night interviews with a man, and a woman, f*cked by Donald Trump.

Details are emerging about updates to Gmail, including ‘Confidential Mode’, which lets Gmail users stop recipients from forwarding them, or restricts the ability to copy, download or print them. It’s also known as ‘Your Grandfather’ Mode, since he can’t seem to do that stuff anyway.

The new Gmail will also allow users to require a password to open designated emails, which idiots are encouraged to not put in the ‘Subject’ line.

Tonya Harding was named to the newest cast of ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars’. All Burbank, California Lowes & Home Depot stores report they’re sold out of crowbars.

 

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Google’s Chrome web browser released an update to block ads deemed most annoying by a coalition of internet users.  Porn sites immediately complained of difficulty notifying the winners of free iPads and $500 gift cards.

A new experimental treatment completely reversed Alzheimer’s Disease in mice by reducing levels of a single enzyme in the animals’ brains. “Now I remember where the cheese is!” said a cured mouse before running to his death in a baited trap.

Amy Schumer and new boyfriend, award-winning chef Chris Fischer, married on Tuesday in Malibu, California. The couple have only dated three months, but Schumer knew he was ‘the one’ once he made it through 25 minutes of The Leather Special. 

The White House said that President Trump is planning a visit to the site of the latest deadly school shooting. Not because children died from gun violence, he was just headed to Florida, anyway.

  • The President will meet with families at a $1,000-a-Condolence dinner at Mar-A-Lago.

Mitt Romney announced that he’s running for a Senate seat in Utah. Romney, a Mormon, is the consensus nominee for the Shoo-In Party.

Actor Alexander Polinsky joined his costar Nicole Eggert in leveling charges of on-set abuse against Scott Baio, leading investigators to question if Charles was in charge, who was in charge of Charles?

A woman who didn’t want to let go of her purse knelt on all fours and followed it through a pre-boarding x-ray machine at a train station in China. She was jailed for exceeding the 3 ounce limit with a bottle of hand lotion.

Charles Barkley admitted in an interview with Jimmy Kimmel that he played a game “blasted” drunk after day-drinking to celebrate a trade from the Philadelphia 76ers to the L.A. Lakers that fell through. Although, at the time, people could tell Barkley was disoriented because he can be seen in game footage trying to play defense.

Disney announced that Toy Story Land, the new themed addition to Disney’s Hollywood Studios Orlando, will open on June 30. Parents are disappointed that there won’t be a bar where they could go to catch a Buzz and get a Woody.

The White House dismissed a New Yorker article exposing Donald Trump’s “system” for concealing infidelity as fake news. “Why would he cheat with Karen McDougal when he already had a woman with brown hair?” said a spokesperson.

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The remnants of Hurricane Ophelia hit Ireland’s west coast, with wind speeds of roughly 109mph. Those wind speeds are expected to accelerate to 250mph in any story an Irish guy tells about it next year.

Astronomers for the first time observed a collision between neutron stars, which created gravitational waves and sent gold, platinum and lead hurtling through space. The historic observation may provide partial answers to age-old questions such as “What is the origin of the universe?’ and “How did Superman’s dad on Krypton get so rich?”

A Texas juvenile center employee confessed to stealing $1.2million worth of fajita shipments over a 9 year period. He was apprehended after warning an undercover agent to be careful touching the fajitas because they were extremely hot.

The University of Chicago Divinity School named its first-ever Jewish dean. Students praised new Dean Laurie Zoloth, and her plan to institute 30 new religious days off that enrollees have never heard of before.

Police in Seattle responded to a call where a man wielding deer antlers attacked someone at a downtown shelter. Seattle PD later released a photo of an officer posing with the 12-point homeless buck he shot. [h/t to J. Levytsky]

According to The New Yorker, President Trump repeatedly makes jokes at Vice President Pence’s expense. During a conversation on gay rights, Trump allegedly said “don’t look at him, he wants to hang all of them!”. Pence corrected Trump, saying he said that all the gays he’s met are hung.

Netflix told investors at their quarterly earnings report that they’ll spend up to $8 Billion on programming in 2018, up from a projected $6 Billion in 2017.  The money will go to increased acquisition costs as studios like Disney start their own streaming services, and to build/populate a women’s prison for Orange Is The New Black.

President Trump said that he and embattled GOP Senate Majority leader Mitch McConnell are “closer than ever before”; adding that McConnell is “like a Miss USA contestant to me.”

Police were summoned to the Quaker Bridge Mall in New Jersey, where a man stripped naked, sat in a massage chair on the mall concourse, and punched an officer. Later, the man explained that he’d been on his feet all day exposing himself to Victoria’s Secret shoppers, and needed to rest. [h/t to M. Brooks]

The President plans a written order to declare a national emergency on opioids sometime next week, after the shoulder soreness from golfing is addressed.

A two-star Army general has been relieved of his command for texting the wife of a sergeant in his unit to call her a ‘hottie’. An Army spokesman said that the texts compromised morale, since the general didn’t call all of the enlisted men hotties, too.

 

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A Bankrate.com survey shows that only one-third of millennials have a credit card. And of those that do, the most popular credit card they have is their Dad’s.

The New Yorker published a new article documenting aggressive sexual behavior by Hollywood mogul Harvey Weinstein. One woman alleges that Weinstein forced himself on her, and when she resisted, Weinstein masturbated and ejaculated into a potted plant. Weinstein was later sued by the plant for giving it herpes, and for back child support.

A couple in Longboat Key, Florida called police after discovering a hidden camera in the smoke detector mounted in the bedroom of their Airbnb rental. The owner of the property denied wrongdoing, saying the camera only activated during especially hot sex.

Scientists have collected 95 pounds of gold, worth nearly $2 million, from Switzerland’s raw sewage and waste water treatment plant. President Trump promptly scheduled a Swiss vacation to research the gold-in-showers.

Pizza Hut is rolling out new pizza boxes and delivery bags that they say will make their pizzas up to 15 degrees hotter when delivered. Pizza Hut research shows customers are less likely to taste how bad the pizza is if they burn their mouths.

Toymaker Bandai is releasing a 20th Anniversary version of its iconic Tamagotchi digital pet toy. Meanwhile, original Tamagotchi pets, introduced in 1997, are being put to sleep.

The United States Men’s National Soccer Team was eliminated from the 2018 World Cup after losing 2-1 to doormat Trinidad & Tobago. Adding insult to injury, the USMNT Dads couldn’t find a pizzeria in Trinidad & Tobago to take the boys after their loss.

Arby’s is testing sandwiches made of elk meat in select markets, and rolling out venison sandwiches nationwide. Arby’s is sourcing the venison from New Zealand, saying there aren’t enough U.S. deer being hit by trucks to meet demand.

A Washington DC pharmacist told a reporter from STAT News that he has filled Alzheimer’s prescriptions for members of Congress. Patient privacy laws forbid the pharmacist from naming the specific patient, but the interview was interrupted briefly by a call from an assistant for “Mr McBain”.

President Trump took to Twitter to threaten the broadcast license of NBC for what he says is their repeated inaccurate coverage of him, and because Melania keeps telling him to shut up during ‘This Is Us’.