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Pope Francis revealed confidential details of the secret papal voting conclave in an interview for an upcoming book. He claims he was asked to participate in a scheme to block the election of Pope Benedict in 2005 – but Mike Pence refused to help.

Donald Trump’s $175 million bond to appeal his New York State financial fraud conviction was issued by high interest auto lender Knight Insurance Group. Details weren’t revealed but it’s believed to cost him 20% every month, but they’re throwing in a repossessed Pontiac Aztek.

Regulators are concerned over the growing popularity of smokeless, tobacco-free nicotine pouches such as Zyn among young people, creating a new wave of nicotine addiction. Zyn pouches surpassed Takis as the most-traded-for item in junior high cafeterias.

Executive consultancy McKinsey is cutting staff, but is paying them to find new jobs. The bad news is they have to pay other McKinsey consultants $500/hour to help them.

‘Selling Sunset’ celebrity realtor Christine Quinn obtained a restraining order against husband Christian Dumontet after his violent outbursts. Quinn has downgraded their marriage from ‘fixer upper’ to ‘total teardown’.

Ukraine President Volodymyr Zelensky is lowering the draft age for the national army, fortifying troop levels, but making high school girls soccer teams less competitive.

Researchers discovvered that the nutrients in vegetables such as green beans, broccoli and asparagus have dropped significantly over the last 50 years. This evidence was presented to a young couple by their 3rd-grader as he lobbied to have Froot Loops for dinner.

200 musicians authored an open letter calling on tech companies to refrain from irresponsible use of Artificial Intelligence. The letter was signed by artists including Billie Eilish, Nicki Minaj, hologram Tupac and the four avatars who now make up KISS.

New York’s Metropolitan Transit Authority, MTA, wants to charge runners in the NYC Marathon for crossing the Verrazzano-Narrows Bridge. Or if they don’t want to pay up, swim across the Hudson River and call it the NYC Two-Thirds Of A Triathlon.

NFL Network ‘Good Morning Football’ host Jamie Erdahl described complications surrounding the emergency c-section birth of her daughter on March 30th. Her daughter is healthy, but her co-host’s use of the telestrator as she told the story was awkward.

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Dorothy Hoffner, a 104-year-old woman, broke a Guinness World Record, becoming the oldest person to do a tandem skydive. The guy attached to her is still working to get rid of the smell.

A $55 Stevie Nicks Barbie doll sold out on its first day of release. The doll, which recreates her late-70s ‘Rumours‘-era look, comes with a microphone and cocaine.

Queer dating app Lex is growing in popularity, receiving millions of dollars in venture capital funding. The app is increasingly popular with lesbians, who had a little trouble finding it since they thought the name was Licks.

Four Catholic elementary schools in the Archdiocese of Philadelphia were given Blue Ribbon status by the Department of Education. They were nominated by a panel of priests and nuns who determined the schools had the sexiest students.

Britney Spears is demanding an apology from cops who performed a welfare check at her home after she posted a video dancing with knives. She’s even angrier after learning they made two stops for coffee and donuts on the way to her house

Jay-Z and other billionaires held a $500,00-per-ticket charity auction & blackjack tournament in Atlantic City attended by Kim Kardashian, Tom Brady and others. However, celebrities were paid over a million dollars each to convince them to spend a night in Atlantic City.

A woman is suing Disney, claiming she suffered serious injuries to her genitals from a ‘wedgie’ caused by the Humunga Kowabunga water slide at Typhoon Lagoon. Her husband is also suing, saying the injuries prevent him from putting his humunga in her kowabunga.

New surveillance footage & photos emerged from the MGM Grand hotel and the BMW carrying Tupac Shakur on the night of his murder. At 27 years, it’s the oldest “new” evidence in forensics history.

Tara Reid, Blac Chyna & Dez Bryant all quit reality show ‘Special Forces: World’s Toughest‘ amidst the grueling physical challenges. The timing works out because filming begins next week on Sharknado 15.

Donald Trump shared a sketch of Jesus sitting next to him at his fraud trial. The sketch was reportedly made prior to Jesus quitting because he wasn’t getting paid.

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Viral video shows a male football cheerleader for the University of Iowa flipping out of his pants doing a handspring. Not captured on video that evening, several female Iowa cheerleaders flipping out of their pants at fraternity parties.

Las Vegas police charged a man in the 1996 murder of Tupac Shakur. This is a biggie.

Donald Trump’s business fraud trial begins in New York. If found guilty, his company will no longer be able to do business in the state, and he’ll have to pay $250 million in fines once they’re donated to him by dopes.

The Nobel Prize for Medicine was awarded to two scientists whose mRNA research resulted in COVID vaccines. Honorable Mention was given to a guy who made ventilators out of old Shop Vacs.

Governor Gavin Newsom appointed Laphonza Butler, a black lesbian who lives in Maryland, to take the late Dianne Feinstein’s Senate seat for California. Butler was chosen because she’s black, an advocate for LGBTQ & abortion rights, and pretty experienced with long-distance relationships.

Following charges of rape & sexual assault, French actor Gerard Depardieu penned an open letter, saying he didn’t Depardieu it.

Taylor Swift was joined by Hugh Jackman, Blake Lively, Ryan Reynolds, Sophie Turner & others at MetLife Stadium for the Chiefs/Jets Sunday Night game. Meanwhile in the 700 level, a different woman named Taylor was joined by four friends who woke her up following the game after she blacked out in the 2nd quarter.

A man deliberately crashed his car into the Warren County, Pennsylvania police department building. Warren County cops apprehended him after a 30-minute pursuit.

Cindy Crawford alleges that Oprah Winfrey made her feel like a piece of meat when appearing on her talk show. Winfrey feels Crawford has no idea how much she likes pieces of meat.

Travis Kelce’s ex, life coach Maya Benberry, said she questions the “genuineness” of his new romance with Taylor Swift. Benberry was recently fired as life coach.

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Lindsay Lohan tweeted that everyone should “stop bullying” President Trump. “Mission Accomplished!” said Melania Trump, declaring her long-awaited anti-bullying campaign a success.

CEO Elon Musk blamed battery shortages for slower-than-expected shipments of Tesla electric cars, claiming that batteries are even harder to get now that most Radio Shacks are closed.

QVC is acquiring Home Shopping Network, making it the Amazon of Old Southern Ladies.

New research from the University of Pennsylvania says that being the target of ‘trash talk’ can make you motivated and more productive. “I’ll say! How do you think we got that nuclear missile done so fast?” said Kim Jong Un.

Doctors writing in the Journal of Otolaryngology reiterated their opinion that cotton swabs should not be used to clean ear wax. Q Tips responded with a new ad campaign touting the benefits of nose picking.

President Trump is set to meet Vladimir Putin in Poland. Asked if he required a Russian-to-English translator, Trump said no, that he’s a smart guy and can read lips.

Melania Trump joined her husband in Poland, touring the Copernicus Science Center in Warsaw. She was presented with a 3D-printed high-heeled shoe by a student. Melania asked if she could return the shoe for store credit.

Madonna shared a letter from the late Tupac Shakur, which he sent from prison and admitted to ending their romance because she was white. “It’s not me, it’s you” he wrote, continuing “I hope that we can remain Thug Friends.”

Amazon.com is partnering to make and sell wine. The FAA has already reported a spike in drunk drones.

Ronda Rousey appeared on Live With Kelly & Ryan to promote her captaincy on the reboot of Battle of the Network Stars – a captaincy which ended in a first-round knockout at the hands of some kid from the Disney Channel.

The mother of a 2 year-old boy had to hold him in her lap on a flight from Honolulu to Boston, even though she bought him a ticket. United mistakenly sold his seat a second time. Although the toddler remained on the flight, United still dragged his teddy bear up the aisle and off the plane.

The owner of Hobby Lobby was fined $3 million for illegal smuggling and possession of biblical artifacts from Iran. He is also ordered to return the artifacts, just as soon as he removes the glitter paint and stickers from them.