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Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.

 

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Amazon has opened five Instant Pickup locations, allowing Prime members to order goods online, then get them in person as fast as two minutes later. As of now, all five locations are in college stores, and 99% of customers seeking a ‘Prime Instant Pickup’ on campus are men.

  • Women are hesitant to try Instant Pickup. But if they’re having a good time? And the guys listen to them a little bit?….Maybe.

A judge ruled that Costco must pay luxury jeweler Tiffany $19 million in lost profits and penalties, for selling fake Tiffany jewelry in Costco locations. A Tiffany spokesperson praised the ruling, adding that they never have, and never will, sell NASCAR engagement rings.

CEOs from Intel and Under Armour resigned from President Trump’s Manufacturing Council, following the lead of Merck CEO Kenneth Frazier. Trump Tweeted “For every CEO that drops out of the Manufacturing Council, I have many to take their place. Grandstanders should not have gone on. JOBS!” Reached via Ouija board, Steve Jobs said he would’ve quit too.

  • At the current rate of attrition, by year’s end the Manufacturer’s Council will be Trump and GM CEO Mary Barra sitting on a sofa watching Property Brothers reruns.

CEO Edward Stack forecast declining 2017 sales for sporting goods retailer Dick’s, sending shares tumbling 16%. Angry investors are losing faith in this Stack, of Dick’s.

Bugatti introduced the world’s fastest passenger car, the Bugatti Chiron. It goes 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds, has a 1,500 horsepower 16-cylinder engine, costs $3 million, and no, Daddy can’t take you for a ride in it because he’s late to meet his new lady friend.

Infamous white supremacist website Daily Stormer is down after its domain and hosting support were pulled by GoDaddy and Google. In a related story, Fox News online advertising is expected to come in way under budget for August.

President Obama’s Tweet in the wake of the Charlottesville violence – a quote from Nelson Mandela – became the 2nd-most liked Tweet ever with over 2.6 million Likes.  It send Kim Kardashian scrambling for a full-length mirror, thong & smartphone to try and crank out 3 million.

Bill Gates filed 2017 paperwork showing charitable donations of 60 million Microsoft shares valued at $4.6 Billion. President Trump wished that he wasn’t still being audited or else he’d follow suit.

The 3rd annual NetBase Global Top 100 Brand Love List was released, and the most-loved brand worldwide is…Facebook.  NetBase said they compiled the list by “looking at social media brand conversations across the web…” — without permission.

Uber has agreed to 20 years of audits from the Federal Trade Commission, to address concerns that they were not doing enough to protect customers’ data and privacy. Uber said they look forward to learning just how creepy their stalker-drivers have been and will be.

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Facebook is rolling out a YouTube-like video platform called ‘Watch’ – where users can see their privacy disappear.

The U.S. National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration confirmed that 2016 was the planet’s hottest year on record, citing global warming and an early-season El Nino. President Trump used the news to reinforce the need for a border wall, to keep El Nino out.

Trump plans to declare the Opioid Crisis a National Emergency – saying opioids are in a 3-way tie for Biggest Health Crisis, along with heroin and Obamacare.

Texas pastor Robert Jeffress, an evangelical advisor to President Trump, said that God has given Trump “full control” to “take out” North Korean leader Kim Jong Un. It’s hard to tell if the craziest part of that is God giving the green light to murder, or that Trump has an evangelical adviser.

A report claims President Trump has sent private messages to Russia Investigation Special Counsel Robert Mueller. Trump’s associates say the messages are ‘thank-you’s, but other messages are rumored to be:

  • Do you think Ivanka like-likes me? Yes/No/Maybe
  • Are you going to the next Trump Pep Rally?
  • Wanna come see a movie with me at The White House?

The U.S. has expelled two Cuban Ambassadors, following reports that several U.S. Ambassadors departed the American Embassy in Havana after experiencing severe hearing loss from a mysterious “sonic attack”. No further clarification was given, but the deafened U.S. Ambassadors hope they never hear Ricky Martin ever again.

WalMart apologized for an in-store sign that marketed guns as Back To School items. WalMart acknowledged the error, saying the guns were meant to be part of a Halloween promotion.

  • The sign above the guns read “Own The School Like a Hero”. So the NRA bought the guns and donated them to teachers.

Consumer Reports has pulled its ‘Recommended’ status from Microsoft Surface laptops, citing poor reliability compared to other brands. Microsoft attempted to reach Consumer Reports for further clarification, but kept getting error messages they didn’t understand.

A man rushed the stage at Britney Spears’ Las Vegas show, but was subdued and handcuffed by security. Britney had just started singing her hit ‘Crazy’, and the man thought that was his cue.

Former NFL player Ryan O’Callaghan, who came out as gay in June, is advocating for marijuana use by current players, saying it would be a ‘godsend’. Commissioner Roger Goodell said that not even God sends anything to NFL players without his approval.

Ryan Graves – a Senior VP and Uber’s first corporate employee – announced that he’s resigning, and that he’s taking a taxi home.

O.J. Simpson’s former agent is selling the white Ford Bronco from the infamous police chase. He purchased the car from Al ‘A.C.’ Cowlings. The car runs well, but there’s no A.C.

 

 

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A male call center worker in the UK, frustrated by the office dress code prohibiting shorts, started wearing dresses. His pay dropped 23% and he filed a sexual harassment suit.

The Pizzagate shooter has been sentenced to 4 years in jail, although after 2 years he will be eligible for pick up or delivery.

Bill Cosby plans to hold a series of Town Hall meetings to educate young people about sexual assault laws. The meetings might happen, but the VIP Meet & Greets aren’t likely to sell well.

Kim Kardashian West and Kanye West are looking for surrogates to carry their 3rd child, but so far aren’t having any luck finding women whose womb can fit a tv camera.

Yellowstone’s grizzly bear population has rebounded to where they are no longer an endangered species. There are now enough of them to bus to Washington to protest Trump’s environmental policies.

Uber CEO Travis Kalanick resigned amidst widespread criticism of sexual harassment and misconduct at Uber. Kalanick’s next move isn’t known, but he’s not ruling out “something in the White House”.

Airports in Phoenix and Las Vegas have grounded flights due to excessive heat. Trump’s travel plans are unaffected, because hot air is never a problem for Air Force One.

Restaurant chain Denny’s has introduced Online Ordering, creating a problem for people ordering pancakes online then passing out drunk.

Three refrigerated rail cars filled with butter derailed in the Philadelphia suburbs, setting a record for most first responders arriving with bagels.