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Big Lots is closing 40 stores. They’re transferring inventory to other Big Lots stores which are now Bigger Lots.

Sea lions chased people off of a beach near San Diego. Wildlife experts claim it’s because the sea lions want a place to mate. So the male & female sea lions asked all of the good-looking beachgoers to stick around.

Snoop Dogg will carry the Olympic torch in Paris, but the trail behind him will smell more like Amsterdam.

After an embarrassing performance of the National Anthem at baseball’s All-Star Game, singer Ingrid Andress said she was drunk and was checking in to rehab. Even more embarrassing, she asked when she could see Lebron James play there.

A one-pound bluefish dropped from the sky and broke the windshield of a parked Tesla in New Jersey. The subsequent insurance claim was voted Most Likely To Be Turned Down By The General.

New Jersey Senator Robert Menendez said he’ll resign after being found guilty of corruption, but added it’s not, like, the worst thing a Menendez ever did.

U.S. Secret Service Director Kimberly Cheatle resigned following criticism of their protection of Donald Trump. In the meantime, the Secret Service will provide Trump with a large bulletproof hamster ball for upcoming public appearances.

Following his decision not to seek reelection, President Joe Biden will address the nation from the Oval Office tonight, just as soon as the crew from Allied Van Lines finishes packing up the room.

A 47-year-old fifth grade teacher from Horsham, Pennsylvania was arrested after being accused of masturbating in two different public places. Counselors were made available to students after what they described as “the worst health class ever”.

Britain’s Prince William was officially named Patron of the U.K. Football Association, the entity controlling all of the nation’s pro, youth & disabled teams. Like American counterparts, his first act was to declare he needs a new stadium that the public pays for.

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Dating website Bumble cut 350 employees – but a least a woman got to decide who lost their job.

Colorado Rep. Lauren Boebert’s 18-year-old son Tyler Boebert was arrested and charged with five counts of felony theft. He’s scheduled to appear in court and announce his run for Congress.

Oprah is leaving WeightWatchers, according to her spokesperson and her bathroom scale.

A urologist posting on CNN said that healthy urine should be slightly tinted in color, but still “clear enough to read through”. Not surprisingly, no one else will use the iPad in his bathroom.

A Missouri couple was married in a hospital while the bride was in labor. They’re registered at the accounts receivable department of St. Luke’s General.

Wendy’s said their new variable pricing plan isn’t “surge pricing”, but rather a plan to offer discounts during slow periods. They say they’d rather sell almost-expired burgers because there’s only so much chili they can make in a day.

Adam Sandler said he’s starstruck by Taylor Swift, and that the singer “makes him nervous” — but not as nervous as talking to Taylor Swift and having Rob Schneider ask to to join them.

A new mammogram center in a Walmart diagnosed their first positive breast cancer case within weeks of opening. Other women were told they didn’t have breast cancer, so they asked for a raincheck.

Allison Tennyson, 34, was profiled by a news outlet because she claims her Ehlers-Danios Syndrome makes her allergic to both semen and condoms. Her boyfriend calls it kind of a bad news/good news situation.

A British mom lifted a slab in her backyard and discovered a 160-foot, underground World War II-era bomb shelter .. and her teenage son’s porn collection.

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A new study finds heated car seats can lower male fertility by killing sperm. Female fertility could also be lowered due to fried eggs.

Eight suspicious U.S. citizens’ deaths in Colombia are linked to dating apps. Police are specifically targeting dating app Plenty Of Drug Mules.

Two UK men used gay dating app Grindr to set up dates with men and rob them – making them literal butt pirates.

Sotheby’s is auctioning a suit worn by Nicole Kidman in her corny 2021 ads urging people to return to the ‘magic’ of AMC Theaters – just as soon as they get the imitation butter-flavored topping stains out of it.

Oprah Winfrey’s longtime makeup artist died. He was fondly remembered by most, while other accused him of doing blackface.

Fox Network is bringing back true crime series ‘America’s Most Wanted‘. The first 13 episodes are just trying to round up more January 6th guys.

Paroled mob boss and 19-time murderer Sammy ‘the Bull’ Gravano said Donald Trump is ‘incorruptible’. Russian President and murderer Vladimir Putin said he isn’t so sure.

The wife of Milli Vanilli’s Fabrice Morvan filed for divorce. His lawyer will do the singing for him.

Bobi, who was posthumously named ‘Oldest Dog Ever’ at age 31 by the Guinness Book of Records, had its record rescinded while recordkeepers investigate. Meanwhile, the world’s Second Oldest Dog Ever is currently being told about the great farm he’s going to.

The Miami Dolphins/Kansas City Chiefs NFL playoff game aired exclusively on Peacock was the most-streamed live event in history with 23 million viewers. The next day, Peacock broke a different record with 22 million cancellations.

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The New York Times reporter Maggie Haberman claims in her new book about Donald Trump that White House staff would occasionally find documents Trump had flushed down the toilet. Most were birthday & Fathers Day cards from Eric & Don Jr.

Kim Kardashian told Vogue that her divorce is about making herself happy, adding that her 40s are about ‘Team Me’.. meaning herself, and Team Me’s 100 makeup, wardrobe and photo artists.

A Los Angeles woman died after falling from the third floor of a parking garage during a lesson for riding her new motorcycle. A family spokesperson said they may take legal action against Kneivel Driving Instructors.

A 70-year-old Italian woman was found dead at her kitchen table, still sitting in the same place where she died an estimated two years earlier. First responders said the pasta was really overcooked.

A Frontier Airlines passenger had to be restrained after falsely claiming a passenger in the row behind him was sticking him with a needle to steal his DNA. A Frontier flight attendant told him that wasn’t possible, because needles aren’t given out until drink service starts.

A Republican candidate for Oregon governor admitted he & his wife were formerly in a partner-swapping Facebook group, making Oregon a swing state.

The Biden Administration is earmarking $5 billion to install electric vehicle chargers at interstate highway rest stops – so drivers can hook up their cars to charge at the same places down-low gay men hook up with each other.

United Kingdom archaeologists found a Roman-era graveyard containing dozens of decapitated skeletons with skulls placed between their legs, in what they’re calling Europe’s first Halloween Spirit pop-up location.

Sportscaster Erin Andrews shared her favorite Tom Brady moment, when the QB threw passes with Andrews’ father at a Montana ranch, and asked Erin to “shag balls” – a duty usually reserved for Gisele Bundchen.

Scientists discovered a new planet orbiting Proxima Centauri, the nearest star to the Sun. Even more amazing is they found it with Zillow.