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Some parents are boycotting the film Peter Rabbit over a scene where Peter shoots a blackberry into his human nemesis’ mouth, triggering an allergic anaphylactic shock. These parents are also demanding that MGM reedit Tom & Jerry cartoons to depict accurate cranial hemorrhaging when Tom is struck with a frying pan, instead of his skull taking on the shape of the pan.

Toronto, Canada serial killer suspect Bruce McArthur was a seasonal Santa Claus at the Agincourt Mall. No incidents were reported during his time in the mall as Santa, but police detectives say several of the alleged killer’s victims weren’t that great at making cookies.

Vanessa Trump, wife of Donald Trump, Jr, was taken to a New York hospital after opening an envelope addressed to her husband containing a suspicious white substance. Melania Trump expressed her regret, saying when she saw the white powder she thought it was finally time to party.

An 84-year-old California woman was arrested for firing a handgun toward her neighbor’s children because they were “being noisy”. Betty Sanders fired the gun at children, ages 8 to 10, as they rode toy motorcycles in a yard just 20 feet away. Sanders was charged with suspicion of assault, child endangerment, and being a terrible shot.

South Korean officials have confirmed 194 cases of norovirus at the Pyeongchang Winter Olympics; everyone else skipped the North Korean kimchi in the cafeteria.

New data from the Brookings Institution ranks the ten cities where millennials most want to move. Topping the list is Colorado Springs, Colorado. Regarding the reasons for their ranking, millennials cited legal marijuana and…that’s about it.

A 38-year-old Texas teacher and mother of two died from the flu, after refusing to take prescription Tamiflu because it cost $116. Burial arrangements are pending, once her husband finds the price he wants on a shovel at Home Depot.

A Utah elementary school told students they “must say yes” if asked to dance at the school Valentine’s Day party. School officials say the policy is to “promote kindness”, but also say they’ve been buried by ticket requests to the party from suspicious adult men.

An Oregon woman has become the first person in the world to have her eye infested by tiny worms that are ordinarily found only in cattle. Doctors removed 12 of the worms and advised that she avoid breastfeeding for a while.

Lavar Ball said that his son Lonzo won’t re-sign with the Los Angeles Lakers unless his younger brothers LiAngelo and LaMelo are also signed – a demand that the Lakers called Lidiculous.

Gun maker Remington Arms is filing for bankruptcy. They plan to file reorganization plans in court, or just shoot their way out of it.

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Former NFL QB Johnny Manziel said he’s planning a comeback. Manziel said that he’s been on medication to treat bipolar disorder, which he hopes will give him the mental focus he needs to land an NFL roster spot and contract CTE.

President Trump is set to unveil his $1.5 trillion infrastructure plan – undocumented immigrants resealing the parking lots and cart paths at all of his golf courses and hotels.

Journalists at the Winter Olympics are abuzz over the ‘Bullet Man’ statues outside the press Olympic Village. The three statues are of nude men wearing smooth helmets obscuring their faces while they stand at attention. Vice President Mike Pence refused to look at the statues and ordered them into conversion therapy.

Southwest Airlines cancelled all 220 of its flights from Chicago Midway Airport on Sunday due to a shortage of de-icing fluid. A spokesperson said that due to the scary weather, nervous flyers drank it all.

Delta Airlines previewed its new crew uniforms from designer Zac Posen. Posen worked as a flight attendant and gate agent to ensure that the clothing remained comfortable while workers verbally abuse passengers and drag them off of aircraft.

Barack and Michelle Obama’s official portraits were unveiled at the Smithsonian. “Where are the solid gold lions?” asked an anonymous White House critic.

McDonald’s is ending its partnership with the International Olympic Committee and will no longer create Olympic-themed ads and promotions. McDonald’s and the IOC both cited the large expense of Olympic sponsorship, but declined comment about athletes’ accusations of unwelcome contact during past Olympics by Grimace.

Katie Couric angered Dutch Olympic fans by falsely claiming that Dutch dominance in speed skating is a result of residents skating on frozen canals to get around Amsterdam. She then angered Norwegians by claiming most businesspeople in Norway commute to work by ski jumping.

Tinder announced that they’re rolling out a new set of location-based features later this year. Speculation is that Tinder plans to move beyond being a hookup site and focus on being more of a social network, in order to expand in to the lucrative stalking and bullying markets.

For the third time in three weeks, a man has been reported masturbating in the New York City subway – highlighting the dangerous underreporting of men masturbating in the New York City subway.

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A Florida boy had to be rescued after he climbed inside of a toy claw machine in a restaurant lobby. Rescuers removed the boy, over the objections of his sister who demanded that they rescue a stuffed bear instead.

  • The boy was removed from the claw machine unharmed, so owners of the restaurant are now charging $10/hour for other diners to leave their children in it.

White House Staff Secretary Rob Porter resigned after reports he physically abused both of his two ex-wives. The White House hopes Porter is the last of the abusers on staff, but just in case they’re cancelling the ‘Win A Dream Date With Stephen Miller’ contest.

  • President Trump was reportedly ‘disheartened’, ‘surprised’ and ‘saddened’ by the reports of Porter’s spousal abuse, but told Porter to buck up, he can still be President someday.

Vladimir Putin admits that he doesn’t have a smartphone, saying that he already spends too much time on Facebook and Twitter making thousands of political posts each day.

Defense Secretary James Mattis said that undocumented ‘Dreamers’ currently enlisted in the U.S. military will not be deported;Ā  rather, they’ll be sent on all-expenses-paid trips to exotic destinations such as Iraq and Afghanistan.

A California woman’s post – showing disgusting fungus & bacteria grown in a petri dish held under a restroom hand dryer – has gone viral. The maker of the hand dryer, World Dryer, challenged the photo, saying that the woman should have wiped the petri dish on her pants to properly complete the hand drying process.

L.L. Bean has cut back its legendary ‘Lifetime Return Policy’ to one year. So you’d better hope barn coats come back in style.

Samsung may have violated United Nations economic sanctions by giving Galaxy Note 8 phones to Olympic athletes from North Korea. Samsung dismissed the criticism, saying that the phones won’t work anyway on North Korea’s leading cell provider: Un Mobile.

President Trump signed a budget bill to avert the latest threat of a government shutdown, allowing White House employees to return to work backstabbing and sexually harassing each other.

 

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The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.Ā  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.

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A new clinical study claims that the Apple Watch can detect diabetes with 85% accuracy, great news for affluent, morbidly obese douchebags.

The City of Philadelphia is closing schools on Thursday to coincide with the Super Bowl Champion Eagles victory parade, as thousands of students line the streets to congratulate the Eagles, and thousands of dropouts line the halls of empty schools to loot them.

Since it snowed in Philadelphia on Wednesday and will continue to stay cold through Thursday, Santa Claus cancelled his appearance in the Eagles parade for his own safety.

Kylie Jenner announced ‘Stormi’ as the name of her newborn daughter, edging out ‘Buy My Baby’s Name.’

Sony announced an update to Playstation 4 software that allows parents to control how much time their children spend playing video games. The update also includes self-defense videos that parents can view to prepare for when their children use up their gaming time and throw controllers at them.

Wynn Resorts CEO and Founder Steve Wynn resigned amid claims of sexual misconduct at his company. Wynn says that he looks forward to pursuing sexual misconduct as a private citizen.

A former Connecticut high school principal and one-time ‘teacher of the year’ was sentenced to two years in prison for taking upskirt videos of young girls at Walmart, Five Below and Disney World. Prior to sentencing, the judge asked why he didn’t just order girls to the principal’s office.

New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels backed out of an agreement to become Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts. It’s rumored that McDaniels may have agreed to someday succeed Bill Belichick as Patriots Head Coach, or that he spent the day after the Super Bowl looking for something fun to do in Indianapolis.

Charlotte Veitner, University of Connecticut women’s field hockey all-time leading scorer, was arrested for shoplifting makeup from the campus bookstore. She was questioned by security as to why a women’s field hockey player would need makeup.

A woman in South Carolina was found outside a church holding her eyeball after intentionally hurting herself. She was subdued by sheriff’s deputies and EMTs, hospitalized, and will star in the movie being made from your Dad’s dirty joke book.

 

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Six people were arrested in Japan for attempting to avoid paying customs taxes by smuggling gold bars in to the country in an airplane toilet. They were arrested as customs officials heard them arguing over who was going to rinse the gold off.

Researchers have discovered the fossil of a 100 million-year-old spider with fangs and a scorpion’s tail. They’re unclear whether it spun webs, or just scared some other spider into doing the work.

A North Carolina father and his biological daughter have been charged with incest after they married and gave birth to a baby boy. The couple face up to 10 years in prison; the baby faces a lifetime of confusion deciding whether to call his mother “Sis” or his father “Grandpa”.

A married Florida couple were charged with child neglect for watching the Super Bowl in a bar while they left their 2-year-old outside in a parked truck — or, as it’s known in Florida, a mobile day care center.

Aaron Traywick, a biohacker attending the BDYHAX convention in Austin, Texas, injected himself with a DIY herpes treatment while on Facebook Live. Traywick claims to have invented a cure for herpes. He won’t say if his vaccine will be available for sale, but as of now, every woman he’s tried to have sex with isn’t buying it.

Apple said that it’s investigating a possible glitch preventing some iPhone X users from answering calls. “Answering what?” said large numbers of iPhone X owners.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed the first state-level net neutrality regulation, saying Internet service providers that do business with the state cannot disrupt New Jerseyans Internet traffic – comprised of tomato sauce recipes, beach traffic reports and GED coursework.

PepsiCo CEO Indira Nooyi said that the company is working on snacks ‘for women’. Nooyi cites company research saying that residue on fingers and the loud crunching noise are two things women dislike in snack chips, and also sex.

Researchers at Yokohama University say that a chemical contained in McDonald’s fries holds the cure for baldness. Opinions are split on the research – with Donald Trump supporting it, while those saying it doesn’t work include Grimace.

White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway has assembled her ‘Opioid Cabinet’ – so named because most everyone on it wants to know how they can overdose and get off of it.

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s house was robbed while he was in Minneapolis for the Super Bowl. Quarterback Tom Brady offered his help, but Foxborough detectives said their job is catching thieves, not dropping them.

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The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots 41-33 to win Super Bowl LII. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney is expected to hold a news conference with details about a citywide victory parade. Meanwhile, Satan, Mayor of Hell, is expected to brief residents with advice on dealing with Sunday night’s freezeover.

The Eagles parade route hasn’t been officially announced, although speculation is that floats will be set ablaze near City Hall, and flipped over on the way to the South Philly stadium complex.

Rebekah Martinez, a 22-year-old woman reported missing from Humboldt County, California, was found as a contestant on ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’. Martinez had told her parents that she was going to work on a marijuana farm, but hadn’t been heard from since leaving home. Her parents are relieved, but ashamed that she didn’t get the job on the marijuana farm.

The makers of Dodge Trucks are being criticized for using a sermon from Martin Luther King, Jr in their Super Bowl Ad. The company stood behind the ad, saying they’ve long admired Dr. King’s “I Have a Ram” speech.

Australian-owned luxury cruise line Scenic Cruises plans to commission its 2nd ship equipped with its own helicopter and submarine. They say the vessels will help affluent travelers get to hard-to-reach exotic locations, and will also help to transport vomiting norovirus victims to the middle of the ocean faster.

MMA fighter Timothy Woods attempted to throw his opponent, Tim Caron, to the mat, but instead landed on his head and knocked himself unconscious for several minutes, losing the bout. Woods also punched himself in a mirror when he woke up, losing the rematch.

Ray Lewis was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, joining O.J. Simpson in the Acquitted Double Murderer wing.

Scientists claim to have discovered the first warm-bodied fish. It swims alone because it isn’t very smart and is named Ryan Lochte.

A joint women’s ice hockey team comprised of North and South Koreans played its first pre-Olympic match against a team from Sweden, losing 3-1. The North Korean players hope to improve their execution during the official games, and avoid execution once they arrive home after.

Cape Town, South Africa pushed back ‘Day Zero’ – the estimated day when it exhausts running water – from April 16 to May 11, citing a decrease in agricultural water use and its citizens’ unexpected strength ‘holding it’.

 

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An all-Tesla racing league is in the works. Drivers are looking for pit crew members that can change tires and stick the plug in the right way on the first try.

Russian cybersecurity company Kaspersky Lab released findings that one-quarter of the malware found on Android phones used porn videos as the bait – starring Russian porn starlet Kandi Kaspersky.

Uber and Lyft drivers are surprised to learn that each app has implemented a tip limit for passenger payments. “Yeah, can you believe it? It’ll only let me tip you two bucks” say cheapskates.

A private practice nutritionist in NYC says that eating pizza for breakfast is better than eating most sugared cereal, a claim disputed by General Mills – makers of Papa John’s Chocolate Meat Lovers Crunch.

President Donald Trump approved the release of a controversial GOP memo alleging FBI abuse of surveillance, despite “grave concerns” from his FBI director and Democrats. Trump refused to release of a rebuttal document from Democrats, and the D- reading comprehension score he received summarizing the report’s contents.

The report is expected to be made available later today, and will be readable unless you’ve used up your 10 free articles for this month linking the Trump campaign to the Russians.

Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. And Puertotawney Phil predicted at least six more months without power.

Shares of toy maker Mattel fell almost 9% on Thursday, as holiday sales failed to meet expectations. Barbie doll sales were actually up during the holidays, but were offset by disappointing demand for Time’s Up Ken.

A New York City teacher giving a lesson on slavery made several black students lie on the floor, and even stepped on some of them to ‘show what slavery felt like.’ Parents were outraged, although one of the stepped-on students asked for her phone number.

A plot to bombard the upcoming Marvel Black Panther movie with negative Rotten Tomatoes user reviews has been identified and will be monitored by the site. Assistance was offered by the Justice League, but Rotten Tomatoes said “no thanks.”

 

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The Secret Service is warning of a new crime wave, “Jackpotting”, where thieves hack an ATM and empty it of cash. Since it takes several minutes, the crooks pose as ATM repairmen, or as your grandfather trying to do anything on an ATM.

Traffic to hospitals in the wake of this season’s flu outbreak is so overwhelming, that some are setting up beds in waiting rooms, putting an enormous strain on supplies of 4-year-old People magazines.

Actor Robert Wagner has been named a ‘person of interest’ in the 1981 drowning death of his then-wife Natalie Wood, as LAPD reopens this cold – and wet – case.

Nashville Mayor Megan Barry admitted to an extramarital affair with the former head of her security detail. Barry apologized to her husband, to the people of Nashville, and especially to everyone who had to hear the country song her ex-lover wrote about it.

Major League Baseball announced that all 30 teams will extend protective netting to the end of dugouts in order to prevent spectator injuries from flying foul balls. Ushers will also be authorized to provide helmets to vulnerable fans who black out drunk & bored.

President Trump bragged that tv ratings for his State of the Union address were the “highest.. in history”, a claim disproved by Nielsen ratings for speeches by Obama, Clinton and George W. Bush. Trump’s team fired back that Nielsen ratings don’t include the 2 million TVs at Trump Hotels and Mar-A-Lago that only show Fox News.

Democrats claim that a confidential memo critical of the FBI, authored by GOP Rep Devin Nunes, was significantly altered prior to being given to President Trump. Republicans said they needed to alter it to get it down to one page and to add a comics section to make sure the President read it.

Nintendo announced that Mario Kart is coming to mobile phones in 2019. Highway patrols are gearing up for a rash of accidents from distracted drivers swerving to avoid bananas.

Startup Edovo has secured several million dollars in funding for its product that provides tablet-based education to jailed prisoners. Early results are encouraging, with many prisoners learning how to read, write code, and stab someone to death with an iPad.

Google announced an upcoming change to Google Assistant, that won’t require users to say “Hey Google” before asking a question. Assistant-equipped products like Google Home will simply spring into action whenever someone says “goddamnit, why don’t you look it up yourself?”