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A family of four survived a 250-foot plunge off of a cliff in a Tesla as they rode on Highway 1 in California. They were transported to a local hospital, where they were expected to finish the movie they were all watching on the dashboard.

This week marks the start of the annual Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas, where industry execs gather to see the world’s biggest TVs in the same place as the world’s biggest boobs.

Brendan Fraser’s performance as a terminally-ill obese man in The Whale almost went to James Corden. They decided on Fraser because audiences wouldn’t have the patience to wait 90 minutes for Corden to die.

Kellyanne Conway told the January 6th Committee that the only person Donald Trump is truly afraid of is his wife, Melania. Mostly because of the nude pics of him she has on her phone.

Marshall’s discount department store is closing their Center City Philadelphia location, marking the occasion with the chain’s first-ever Going Out Of Business Smash-&-Grab.

A “nearly mummified” body was found in South Carolina, in a clothing donation bin that hadn’t been emptied for months. Forensics experts are tasked with identifying the deceased, while trying to make the sneakers they were wearing ready for sale.

Jessica Simpson posted a selfie wearing her 8th grade cheerleading jacket. “Nope, still nothing” said her husband.

UFC founder Dana White and his wife were recorded having a physical altercation on New Year’s Eve at a bar in Cabo San Lucas after a night of heavy drinking. White apologized, but will also offer the rematch via pay-per-view for $69.95.

A traveler was arrested at New York’s JFK Airport for smuggling handgun parts in jars of Jif peanut butter in his checked bags. The SPCA is investigating the man’s dog who suffered minor injuries cleaning his other guns.

Officials in China’s government blasted the U.S. and several European counries for requiring travelers to show a negative COVID test. To help smooth things over, Spirit Airlines has offered flights that will only allow COVID-positive people on board.

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Philadelphia Police are investigating a 5-year-old boy who shot himself in the thigh with a handgun. They don’t know how the boy obtained the handgun, and are attempting to interview Santa Claus.

Six years of Donald Trump’s tax returns were made public. Identity thieves trying to get credit cards with his Social Security number were turned down because his credit score was too low.

A hacker discovered a flaw in Google Home smart speakers that allowed others to listen to conversations. But the hacker got bored listening to people ask Google about state capitals and what time it is.

Viral video shows a man firing shots at a Buffalo store looter during the city’s recent blizzard. He would have fired more bullets, but the gun froze.

Nick Cannon welcomed his 12th child, proving his Cannon balls are still firing.

Melania Trump was reportedly worried that she’d be seen in a bathrobe by unannounced visitors to her living quarters of the White House, such as Rudy Giuliani, Sydney Powell, and Donald Trump.

A Russian soldier got drunk and beat his commanding officer to death while the two rode on a military train on December 23rd. The rest of the soldiers then cancelled the remainder of the Secret Santa gift swap party.

Samuel Bateman, a fundamentalist Mormon leader accused of having over 20 wives, was jailed in Arizona on charges of kidnapping. Bateman requested his release on bail because he has seven wedding anniversaries coming up next month.

Chipotle is testing whether robots can make tortilla chips in stores. They’re waiting for the robots to recover from E.coli contamination.

Cardiologist Dr. Elizabeth Klodas shared her four worst foods for high cholesterol: red meat; processed meat; baked goods; and anything that starts with ‘Mc.’

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Bill Cosby plans to tour in 2023, thanks to new sexual misconduct lawsuits in 23 different states.

Avatar: The Way of Water topped the $300 million mark in U.S. ticket sales. Thanks to moviegoers who couldn’t get into sold-out showings of Avatar, Brad Pitt/Margot Robbie flop Babylon topped $300.

Disney Theme Parks are reminding guests to show courtesy, following recent viral videos of brawls at Disney Parks. In other news, Mickey, Minnie, Cinderella and Snow White all earned their blue belts in jiu jitsu.

An Australian teen was hospitalized after swallowing a bluebottle jellyfish swimming at Bondi Beach. After removing it, doctors read the message in the bluebottle “Do Not Eat”.

A couple who replaced their toilet found the woman’s engagement ring she’d lost 21 years earlier lodged in it. For the last 21 years, she’s wiped with her right hand.

Kim Kardashian deleted a TikTok video of her two dogs after critics pointed out that they’re kept in her garage. However, her garage is 15,000 square feet with 4 bedrooms and 3 bathrooms.

A New York prosecutor is investigating Congressman-elect George Santos for lying about his work history, education, Jewish heritage, personal finances, and being born Gladys Sanders.

Economists say the majority of U.S. workers’ salaries will not keep up with inflation. Asked why, the economists confirmed that most people’s jobs really do suck.

A California woman’s Find My iPhone feature was used to locate her after she drove off a highway and plummeted 200 feet. She survived and was taken to a hospital, but unfortunately she didn’t kill all the pigs in the Angry Birds level she was playing before the accident.

Duane Hansen broke the world record by riding 37.5 miles down the Missouri River in a hollowed-out pumpkin. Once he paddled ashore, he emptied the vessel of river water and pumpkin pee.

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The White House publicly condemned Texas Governor Greg Abbott for sending busloads of migrants to Vice President Kamala Harris’ house on Christmas Eve. The migrants were just happy not to end up in Buffalo.

Kathy Whitworth, the winningest professional golfer ever with 88 tournament championships, passed away. Whitworth’s last title was the Lady Michelob Championship in 1982 – Lady Michelob is now known as Michelob Ultra.

GOP Congressman elect George Santos admitted to lying about his employment history and his education. He still plans to serve in Congress, but faces suspension and other sanctions from LinkedIn.

Pope Francis confirmed that retired Pope Benedict is “very sick”. It’s reached the point where Benedict reportedly asks the altar boys he’s molesting to move his hands for him.

A White House employee testified to the January 6th Committee that Donald Trump did not know his presidential schedule was public until his final weeks in office. Trump then demanded a less-detailed version be created, so instead of ‘golf and tv’, it just said ‘tv’.

A Buffalo, NY couple has cared for the body of a woman they found dead outside of their home during the city’s blizzard. But first they tried to revive her by placing an old silk hat they found on her head.

Police in Mexico arrested a truck driver transporting 660 pounds of fentanyl hidden inside of coconuts. They believe the narcotics point-of-origin was Gilligan’s South Pacific Drug Island.

Southwest Airlines CEO Bob Jordan issued a public apology for the carrier’s cancellation of thousands of flights over the Christmas holiday, ending his statement with a *ding*, letting ticket holders know they are free to move about the boarding gate where they’ve been sleeping for the past two nights.

Kim Kardashian cried during a podcast when discussing co-parenting with Kanye West, calling it “really f**king hard” – as opposed to her time dating Pete Davidson, calling that “f**king really hard”.

McDonald’s is testing a fully-automated location in Texas with no human workers to serve customers. They plan to roll it out in other locations as soon as the robots learn how to half-fill boxes of large fries.

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Wishing a very Merry Christmas to all of my readers, but especially Jeff, Dave, Jason, Mark, Marc, Jim, Tony, Lance, and others I may not be so well aware of. Taking a day or two off next week but thanks again! All the best to all of you.

Flip or Flop star Christina Hall said she’s suffering from lead and mercury poisoning, and blames the illness on all of the ‘gross’ houses she’s renovated. She’s recovering, and vows to stop testing for lead paint by eating it.

Chef Ali Ahmed Aslam, the man credited with inventing chicken tikka masala, passed away at age 77. He will be laid to rest on a bed of basmati rice.

The January 6th Committee released their final report, along with NFTs of the members in superhero costumes which they’re selling for $99.

57-year-old Shania Twain posed topless for the cover of her new single. “That don’t impress me much” said guys looking at it.

Adnan Syed, the recently-freed convicted murderer and subject of hit podcast ‘Serial‘, was hired by Georgetown University as part of their prison reform initiative. He’s reportedly having a tough time getting a date for the Holiday party.

Online gossip columnist Deuxmoi claims actor Henry Cavill did not leave – but was fired – over misogynistic behavior on the set of Netflix’ ‘The Witcher‘…according to an anonymous bitcher.

A teenager who thought she had Lyme disease after a tick bite was discovered to have left a tampon inside her for two years. She eventually recovered from toxic shock, and the tick was treated for food poisoning.

Homeowners in Alaska captured a moose shedding its antlers on their Ring doorbell camera. The moose then left their porch to complete its other Alaskan Grubhub deliveries.

Video from Missouri showed a transformer exploding into sparks as temperatures dipped well below zero. Officials said the transformer, Megatron, was in stable condition after changing into a furnace.

Bill Gates’ pregnant daughter, Jennifer, held a Christmas-themed baby shower just weeks ahead of her projected download of a baby girl.

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An 88-year-old man arrived at a French hospital with a World War I artillery shell lodged in his rectum, forcing the facility to evacuate. The shell was removed by doctors, who were happy detonation was avoided by the lack of Mexican food in France.

U.S. law enforcement officers seized enough fentanyl to kill every American in 2022, and enough cash for Border Patrol officers to give themselves nice Christmas bonuses.

United States Postal Service trucks will transition from gas to electric by 2026, or whenever your 2022 Christmas deliveries arrive, whichever is later.

Allegiant Airlines failed to load any checked baggage on a flight from Bellingham, Washington to Oakland, California. Allegiant announced their baggage handlers will no longer be trained at Philadelphia International Airport.

A lawyer was kicked out of the Radio City Music Hall Christmas Spectacular because her law firm is suing the owner of Radio City. She’s now also suing for personal injury after being kicked by every Rockette on her way out.

New head of DC Comics movies James Gunn, having fired Henry Cavill as Superman, said no decision has been made regarding Gal Gadot’s status as Wonder Woman. Meanwhile, the Super Friends added Gunn to their list of Super Frenemies.

A massive winter storm across the U.S. promises to make this the coldest Christmas in decades, and colder still for every guy who buys their wife or girlfriend fitness equipment.

Outgoing Arizona Governor Doug Ducey will remove a border wall he commissioned, made out of stacked shipping containers. No word on plans for the 2,000 migrants living in the shipping containers.

The NHL’s Buffalo Sabres postponed Friday’s home game against the Tampa Bay Lightning due to what meteorologists are calling a “once in a generation” winter storm – or, what Buffalo residents are calling a “once every couple weeks” storm.

A new study finds red dye used in Skittles, Doritos and other snacks could trigger irritable bowel diseases – or, as they’re now known, Sour Cherry & Flamin’ Hot irritable bowel diseases.

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A House committee voted to make Donald Trump’s tax returns public. The move was criticized by Trump, and by McDonald’s, who each don’t want American citizens seeing how much they were charged for Big Macs and Diet Cokes.

A Doylestown, Pennsylvania man was arrested in Starbucks for throwing coffee on a police officer, lying on the ground and biting the cop’s leg. He was charged with assault, and overcharged for an average cup of coffee.

Khloe Kardashian revealed that her 4-year-old daughter True lost her first tooth, then woke up with a stiff neck after sleeping with $100,000 under her pillow.

The Taliban have banned women from universities in Afghanistan. They’re also executing any guys who show up for cheerleading tryouts at Kabul University.

Samsung released a new line of Star Wars accessories for their phones and smartwatches, making it easier for women and men to spot nerds they shouldn’t date.

Jeopardy! camera operators are reportedly having difficulty with current champion Ray Lalonde, who moves back and forth frequently, leading to their nickname ‘Ray The Sway’. He’s still easier to film than a different past champion, ‘Keisha the Seizha’.

Bill Gates said that his divorce from wife Melinda after 27 years was one of his “personal low points” – pointing to a line chart of his net worth on the day after his divorce was finalized.

China wants citizens to go to work, even if they’re infected with COVID. They’re even allowing some employees to work from home, because they already live in an iPhone factory.

CNN listed topics that you shouldn’t bring up at the holiday dinner table. Topping the list for anyone visiting family below the Mason-Dixon line: “watching CNN”.

New York’s prestigious Juilliard School is now embroiled in a massive scandal, alleging a professor/composer solicited sex from students. Over 500 former students signed an open letter demanding that he face the music.

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Mike Pence said the Jan 6 Committee has a “partisan taint”, adding that the group lacks representation from his personal favorite, 20-something male taint.

Former teen star and Christian activist Kirk Cameron successfully forced two public libraries hosting ‘drag queen story hours’ to give him story hour times of his own. Cameron plans to read to children as soon as he can find the right wig, shoes and dress.

Twitter won’t let you post your screen names used on competing social media platforms like Facebook, Mastodon, and Post, apparently to prevent followers from finding you on those services. They may add Friendster and MySpace just in case.

A 97-year-old German woman who worked as a typist at a Nazi concentration camp when she was 18 was found guilty of accessory-to-murder charges. She was found not guilty on lesser charges of stealing bottles of Wite-Out.

Epic Games, maker of online battle game Fortnite, was fined $520 million for subjecting minors to in-game bullying and harassment, tricking them into in-game purchases, and illegally collecting their personal data. Epic Games said they value their role as a 10-year-old’s first toxic relationship.

A finalist in the Miss England pageant is the first to compete without wearing makeup. She wants to be a role model for other young women, and says not wearing makeup takes the judge’s focus off of her crooked teeth.

A Philadelphia man was arrested Sunday afternoon following a shootout with police in the parking lot of a suburban shopping mall. The man will undergo a mental health evaluation because somehow he was at a shopping mall while the Philadelphia Eagles game was on.

Harvey Weinstein was convicted of rape and sexual assault in Los Angeles. Weinstein was already imprisoned in New York for a rape conviction there, making the L.A. verdict his worst sequel ever.

A teen in India miraculously survived after a javelin pierced his neck at school. In other news, a different teen in India broke the school javelin record by throwing it from gym class into a math class.

A study in Japan claims men with low libidos are almost twice as likely to die an early death. Japanese women married to these men are calling it a ‘win-win’.

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Elon Musk said he would abide by the results of a Twitter poll asking if he should remain CEO, then users voted overwhelmingly that he should step down. Musk then posted another poll asking if he should resign in 2030 or 2040.

Donald Trump then posted a poll on Truth Social asking if he’d be a better President than Ron Desantis, lost, then said the poll was rigged.

Dozens were injured when a Hawaiian Airlines flight from Phoenix to Honolulu encountered severe turbulence. Passengers on board reported seeing the injured lei’ing in the aisles.

A woman learned her father wasn’t her biological dad during a family argument, marking the first time the “I wish you weren’t my father!” line has ever paid off.

In a new survey, 14% of China’s residents said they’ll never travel again. In related news, China jailed government officials for somehow letting 14% of residents take trips.

Iran’s Hadi Choopan won the Mr. Olympia bodybuilding champion. Iranian competitors in Ms. Olympia didn’t fare as well, since judges couldn’t see the muscles under the burqas.

A man was shot and killed in a New Jersey nature preserve. Police are treating it as a murder, but are concerned that deer have finally gotten their own guns.

Father Frank Pavone, a pro-life supporter of ex-President Donald Trump, was dismissed from the Catholic priesthood for ‘blasphemous’ social media posts and disobedience to bishops. Pope Francis said it felt good to fire a priest for something other than molesting kids.

Kris Jenner was asked how she feels about having grandchildren born out of wedlock. She said she’s fine with the ones who have profitable social media accounts.

Salma Hayek said her lap dance scene with Channing Tatum in ‘Magic Mike’s Last Dance’ was “physically challenging”. Hayek, 56, said it was difficult to maneuver in Tatum’s lap without cameras seeing her cane.

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Airlines are reportedly lobbying Congress to allow flights with just one pilot in the cockpit. This way, there isn’t a copilot nagging the pilot about how much he’s been drinking.

A giant aquarium housing 1,500 tropical fish burst in a Berlin hotel. Most of them died, and attempts to save others with a defibrillator resulted in fried fish.

Students at a Canadian high school are banned from taking photos of a transgender woman teacher with Z-cup prosthetic breasts. Her placeholder yearbook photo will be a mannequin standing behind two watermelons.

A hippopotamus swallowed a 2-year-old Ugandan boy whole, then spit him out moments later. The boy’s mother then changed his diaper.

Tyler Perry – godfather to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s baby, Lilibet – skipped the baby’s christening. Perry declined after Harry & Meghan refused to name the event ‘Tyler Perry’s Lilibet’s Christening’.

ABC’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve announced performances from New Edition and Duran Duran, as thousands of revelers pack New York’s Times Square to ring in 1983.

A new study finds 1 in 18 patients visiting hospital emergency rooms are misdiagnosed. The problem is worse in Chicago and Philadelphia emergency rooms, where patients are diagnosed with ‘bullet wound’ instead of ‘multiple bullet wounds’.

Tristan Thompson will pay $9,500/month in support for Theo, the baby he fathered with Maralee Nichols while still together with Khloe Kardashian. He’ll also have visitation when Nichols drops the baby off with Tristan in the Champagne Room.

A 56-year-old Delaware woman was carjacked and stabbed by a 27-year-old Philadelphia woman who brought her 1-year-old with her. The carjacker was arrested before she was able to get to the mall for pictures with Santa Claus.

In Florida, a home security camera captured a black bear eating a Chick-fil-A order that was delivered to the front porch. The delivery driver was disappointed that the homeowner failed to tip, but surprised that the bear gave him 10 bucks.