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A ‘Price is Right’ contestant dislocated his shoulder while celebrating a game win. During the next round of bidding, a woman in a tight dress pointed at the shoulder and four contestants guessed how much surgery would cost to fix it.

Searchers continue to try and locate the OceanGate submersible craft that disappeared on a dive to view the wreck of the Titanic. Meanwhile, hungry sharks are searching the kitchen of the Titanic for a can opener.

Singing star Adele threatened to cancel her purchase of Sylvester Stallone’s mansion unless she was able to keep a Rocky statue by the pool. However, she had the Tango & Cash statues tossed in the garbage.

Broward County, Florida issued a warning after sightings of giant African land snails, an invasive species that can ruin buildings and infect humans with meningitis. Governor Ron Desantis forbids schools to teach students how the snails got to Florida from Africa.

Taylor Swift announced international dates for her Eras Tour in 2024. Ticketmaster looks forward to gouging fans in a dozen different foreign currencies.

Legal experts say abortion bans could be reversed or bypassed if those seeking abortions say the bans violate their religious freedom. Boyfriends and husbands say they, too, became deeply religious when they found out their partners were pregnant.

Joe Biden & White House staff are meeting regularly to formulate a nationwide artificial intelligence policy – then letting it run the country if he’s reelected.

Following her New York show where she was hit in the face by a smartphone, singer Bebe Rexha performed in Philadelphia, telling the crowd “no phones in the face, thank God!” Her appreciative Philly fans responded by throwing batteries.

Porn star Moriah Mills is threatening to share video of her having sex with her ex, NBA star Zion Williamson. The footage of 6’6″ Williamson and 43-24-44 Mills really shows off the iPhone 14 Pro’s cinematic wide screen feature.

Stephen F. Austin University assistant women’s bowling coach Steve Lemke was fired after admitting to an affair with a student athlete on the team. Lemke’s wife Amber is the team’s head coach, but he still decided to pick up a spare.

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Las Vegas Police reportedly set up surveillance cameras at a home where residents reported a UFO and alien sightings. One resident said they were anally probed on the alien ship, leading two CSIs to quit instead of gathering evidence.

The popularity of weight-loss drug Ozempic is creaing a spike in emergency room visits from users suffering diarrhea, nausea & bloating. Because symptoms are so similar, hospitals are separating visitors in to an Ozempic line, and an Arby’s line.

Disney/Pixar’s Elemental posted the worst opening box office weekend for a Pixar film at just $29.6 million – even lower than their second-worst effort, Buzz & Woody’s Wedding.

Breaking Bad star Bryan Cranston said he plans to honor existing commitments and retire from acting in 2026. He’ll seek advice on how to live without movie & tv roles from any one of the people serving him when he goes out to eat.

Spotify podcasting exec Bill Simmons called Prince Harry & Meghan Markle “f*cking grifters” after they ended a $20 million deal to produce content for the streaming service. A spokesperson for the couple corrected Simmons, saying technically they’re F*cking Archgrifters of Sussex.

A man who lost 360 pounds started a GoFundMe to pay for removal of his excess skin through a series of surgeries. He wants donors to feel like they have some skin in the game, so he’ll send them some of his.

Hunter Biden agreed to plead guilty to misdemeanor gun and tax evasion charges. “Well, that settles it, we can stop talking about this now” said Republicans.

Former Google CEO Eric Schmidt paid $67.6 million at a Treasury Department auction for a 267-foot superyacht that was seized from a Russian oligarch at the start of the Ukraine war. Schmidt says he plans to redecorate it, but will keep the hookers & blow.

Russia accused the U.S. of planning to drop malaria-infested mosquitos on Russian troops invading Ukraine. The U.S. denied it, admitting they tested the idea, but most of the mosquitos quit during basic training.

Singer Bebe Rexha was struck in the face with a smartphone at a New York concert, giving her a black eye and a three-stitch cut. A 27-year-old male was charged with simple assault, and also charged $100 for a cracked iPhone screen.

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A bus driver transporting the Pittsburgh Pirates from Chicago to Milwaukee was arrested and charged with drunk driving. He was detained, then assigned to the Pirates’ AA team.

University of West Virginia basketball coach Bob Huggins resigned one day after being arrested for DUI. Huggins reportedly blew a 0.3-pointer.

A 21-year-old Florida law student discovered a loophole and declared eligibility for the NBA Draft in Brooklyn, despite having never played organized basketball. He won’t be selected by a team, but has already had sex with three different Instagram influencers.

The Ecuadoran woman who pounded on the coffin lid at her wake has died after a week in intensive care. “Ok, now where we?..” said the funeral director at round two.

In two weeks, six temporary lanes are expected to open on the collapsed section of Interstate 95 in northeast Philadelphia. In two weeks and 25 minutes, crews will remove the first jackknifed tractor-trailer in the temporary lanes.

Kourtney Kardashian and Travis Barker announced she’s pregnant with her fourth child and their first together. They haven’t yet trademarked a name for it.

Kardashian held up a sign at a Blink 182 concert reading “TRAVIS I’M PREGNANT”….as did two other women on the other side of the arena.

Ivanka Trump snubbed Donald Trump, posting a Father’s Day message only for her husband Jared Kushner. Tiffany Trump posted seven messages but Donald didn’t read them.

A fishing crew called Sensation missed out on a $3 million prize in North Carolina’s Big Rock Blue Marlin fishing tournament because the 619-pound marlin they caught had been bitten by sharks. The $3 million was awarded to a 400-pound marlin that turned itself in, then swam off to party.

A newly-divorced mother-of-three lost her entire $100,000 401k to a Tinder scammer who convinced her to invest it with him in a “pig butchering” scheme. She’s angry at losing the money, and asked that the scheme be changed to “milf butchering”.

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Rental car thefts are on the rise at Philadelphia airport, with groups stealing as many as five cars at once. Interestingly, before they leave they accept the insurance coverage.

Philadelphia City Council is considering a measure to ban ski masks in public. Riders on city buses prefer seeing the face of whoever is masturbating in front of them.

Online ticket sellers met at the White House to discuss their business practices. Ticketmaster agreed in principle to post an all-in price for tickets, to let customers know up-front how badly they’re being screwed.

Mercedes is adding artificial intelligence ChatGPT to its in-car infotainment system. Teen boys borrowing their parents car can now consult with ChatGPT for assistance when trying to unhook their girlfriend’s bra.

Nick Cannon said in an interview that most of his 12 children weren’t planned. Cannon said he doesn’t have time to make plans, because he’s too busy f*cking.

A viral video shows graphic sex activity happening in Boston’s open-air drug market in the city’s Mass & Cass section. Residents living nearby say they’re horrified, even more so because one of the participants is wearing a Yankees hat.

Spotify is cancelling Meghan Markle & Prince Harry’s podcast, Archetypes, after just one season, saying the couple didn’t generate enough content to justify a $20 million annual contract. Five thousand aspiring standup comedians offered to fill the void with their podcast.

Teachers in Switzerland are reportedly fed up with kids as old as 11 years wearing diapers to school because they “don’t know how to use” a toilet. Some junior high teachers cited the issue as the reason they broke off affairs with their students.

A team of researchers analyzed data from 90 nations to determine the average erect penis size in each. Ecuador was tops at 6.93 inches; the U.S. finished 60th at 5.35 – but researchers told the U.S. it’s fine, really.

Millions of people in Louisiana & Oregon had their personal data stolen in a massive data breach. They’re warning the millions of people in Oregon, and the dozen-or-so in Louisiana that own a computer.

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A Tennessee pastor stole $250,000 from a food bank he founded to pay for prostitutes. The pastor claims he just wanted to grab as many cans as he could.

Twitter is three months behind on rent at their Colorado offices. The local sheriff plans to present an eviction notice once he finds someone who Elon Musk hasn’t fired.

Repairs to the collapsed 100-foot section of Interstate 95 outside of Philadelphia begin today. Pennsylvania’s Department of Transportation is accepting bids for anyone wishing to dispose of a body during construction.

The manager of the Harvard Medical School morgue is charged with the theft and sale of human body parts. The manager of the Cornell Medical School morgue is charged with the theft and sale of brains that couldn’t get in to Harvard.

The search history of a Kouri Richins – a Utah mom who allegedly murdered her husband with a fentanyl-laced cocktail – included “what is a lethal dose of fentanyl?” & “luxury prisons for the rich”. She also searched “nearest Nordstrom Rack” because she needed a new outfit for her court appearance.

Bill Cosby was sued by nine more women for decades-old sexual assaults. A different woman thought about suing him for a recent attempted one, but didn’t as she was able to walk away because he’s blind and doesn’t move too quickly these days.

Video captured the dramatic surrender of a Russian soldier, who raised his arms to a camera-equipped Ukrainian military drone. The soldier had already mistakenly raised his arms to surrender to three different Amazon delivery drones.

The average 401(k) balance now tops $112,000 according to a new report. This is the first time average 401(k) balances exceed the $110,000 average student loan balance that Gen Z grads have no intention of repaying.

UPS and the Teamsters union representing drivers agreed to the gradual installation of air conditioning in the carrier’s fleet of 95,000 trucks. Women UPS drivers expressed disappointment as negotiations broke down in their quest for heated seats.

The U.S. Golf Association’s U.S. Open takes place at Los Angeles Country Club – located adjacent to the Playboy Mansion. Players arrived early in the week to try and get in a few extra holes.

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Donald Trump turns 77 today. He’ll celebrate at a small party where a woman will pop out of a cake to deliver grand jury indictments for election tampering in Georgia.

A man bit his friend’s ear during a fight outside of a Sullivan’s Steakhouse in King of Prussia, PA. The man explained the ear was cheaper than the $20 shrimp cocktail appetizer.

The town of Elko, Nevada is overrun by Mormon crickets, who emerged from their dormant phase and infested the town. They’re expected to move on to other cities as part of their mission to convert other insects to Mormonism.

Disney/Pixar debuts Carls Date, an animated short featuring Carl Fredericksen, widowed senior husband from the movie ‘Up‘, going on a date with a new lady friend. Carl is nervous because he hasn’t dated in 50 years, and because he can’t get it Up.

India & Pakistan are bracing for the arrival of Cyclone Biparjoy, which could match the devastation of last year’s monsoons. Meanwhile, the rest of the world wonders if Biparjoy is a male or female name.

The Southern Baptist Convention voted to bar churches with women pastors, saying “female pastors are a precursor to acceptance of homosexuality and sexual immorality.” They add that male pastors already have homosexuality and sexual immorality covered.

Johns Hopkins University supposedly redefined lesbian to make it a more inclusive term, defining it as “a non-man attracted to another non-man”. “Well, I guess we’re lesbians then” said talking hetero animals.

A TikTok star with celiac disease claims she suffered explosive diarrhea on a 15-hour Emirates Airlines flight from Dubai to Los Angeles after being given a pastry with gluten. The airline apologized, saying it mistakenly switched her special gluten-free meal with another passenger’s special explosive diarrhea meal.

A 28-year-old Louisiana woman was arrested for fraudulently posing as a 17-year-old and enrolling in high school. Teachers grew suspicious when they determined she couldn’t be a Louisiana high-schooler, since she was reading at a sixth-grade level.

In Oklahoma, workers rescued a cat and dog that became stuck when they went under a backyard deck. The pair explained that they didn’t think the world would understand their forbidden love for one another.

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A 76-year-old woman in Ecuador who’d been declared dead was alive and pounding on the lid of her coffin at her wake. Her family is demanding that the funeral home remove embalming charges from their bill.

Paul McCartney said a ‘final’ Beatles song is forthcoming, completed with the help of artificial intelligence. The artificial intelligence convinced John to dump Yoko.

As of Monday, Donald Trump still had not found a local attorney to represent him at his federal indictment in Miami. Attorneys are so convinced he won’t pay them that they’ve all replaced their billboard ads with pictures of missing children.

Theranos founder and convicted felon Elizabeth Holmes said she won’t be able to pay $250/month restitution once her prison sentence ends in 11 years, when she’ll be 50. The judge told her to stay in shape just in case she has to resort to Only Fans.

Nine people were injured after gunfire erupted outside Ball Arena in Denver after the hometown Denver Nuggets won their first NBA championship. Shell casings reveal the shooters went 9-for-20.

Pat Sajak will retire as host of Wheel Of Fortune after next season. Not to be outdone, Vanna White announced she’s going celibate, that she’s touched her last D.

A cannon was stolen from historic Fort Mifflin in South Philadelphia sometime in early June. Investigators believe the thieves already had a lot of balls.

Nilla Fischer, a member of Sweden’s women’s national soccer team, said they had to show their genitals to a team medical staffer to prove they were females during the 2011 World Cup. Fischer said she wonders whatever happened to backup goalie Hildegarde, who was released.

Trans activist Rose Montoya lowered her dress and bared her breasts after meeting President Biden during a Pride event at the White House. Montoya was roundly criticized for poor taste, and critcized by Melania Trump for not getting any money showing her boobs.

Instagram influencers Racquelle Anteola, a rapper, and Melissa Dufour, a fitness entrepreneur, were arrested after cops found 216 pounds of cocaine hidden in the floor of their SUV. The cocaine was charged with driving under the influencers.

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A portion of Interstate 95 in Philadelphia collapsed after a tanker truck caught fire beneath an overpass – creating a huge inconvenience for the 160,000 daily drivers and 500 daily carjackers who use the route.

Scientists are putting radio-trackable ‘pants’ on poison frogs in the tropical rainforest of French Guyana to understand their movements. They tried putting dresses on females, but after trying on a dozen each, the frogs couldn’t agree on one they liked.

A black bear was spotted walking out of the ocean on to a crowded beach in Destin, Florida. At first he was running, but the lifeguard blew their whistle and told him to slow down.

Former Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi died at age 86. He will lie in state with an open casket so Italians can stop by to deposit their farewell bribe.

A plus-size influencer is asking U.S. airlines to define a uniform policy for ‘customers of size’, since many travelers can’t fit in a single coach seat. Airlines are divided, with many asking that large travelers buy an extra seat, while Spirit & Frontier offer Cargo Class tickets.

The Unabomber, Ted Kaczynski, was found dead in his prison cell. He now begins serving the second of his four life sentences.

Starting next year, New York City will begin charging a toll for cars to drive in the congested areas of lower Manhattan below 60th St. Newark, New Jersey is also considering a toll, for drivers desperately trying to get out of the city.

Track athlete Chelsea Mitchell, once described as “fastest girl in Connecticut”, is suing the state because she claims losing races to transgender women caused her to lose scholarship offers. Meanwhile, another “fastest girl in Connecticut” is suing the family of a high school quarterback for child support.

A new startup, Varda Space, is attempting to use microgravity in outer space labs to create unique drugs before returning them to Earth for distribution. Varda Space was renamed after venture capital investors disapproved of their first choice, Astro Meth.

Kanye West celebrated his 46th birthday with a party featuring ‘nyotaimori’ – sushi and sashimi served on the bodies of nude women. Several female sushi platters were injured by guests who used forks instead of chopsticks.

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Donald Trump was indicted on seven counts related to illegal handling of classified documents. Despite the pending legal action, Trump will still make public appearances, including June 12th for Grimace’s Birthday at McDonald’s.

According to a Harvard study, asking other people for advice makes you appear smarter – unless you’re asking other people the best way to learn how to read.

As air quality worsened in the Eastern U.S. due to Canadian wildfires, some cities opened ‘smoke shelters’. While these shelters did allow homeless people to breathe cleaner air, many were confused because they thought they could bum Marlboros.

Mitchell Taebel, 33, of Indiana was charged with stalking and trying to meet Taylor Swift on her Eras Tour. Taebel traveled to Nashville and attempted to enter Swift’s condominium there, which he said was a lot cheaper than actually buying concert tickets.

Retired porn actress Jenna Jameson married girlfriend Jessi Lawless. Jameson said that, in the past, she only had relationships with men because she wanted children, or because the direcxtor shouted “Action!”.

Google is now requiring employees to work three days per week in corporate offices, and office attendance is part of performance reviews. “Meets expectations” has been replaced by “shows up”.

A CNN meteorologist used a match to demonstrate how quickly smoke impacts air quality. It’s believed to be the first time CNN broadcast from a stall in the men’s room.

U.S. Intelligence agencies claim Russia is building a drone factory with Iran’s help. They believe the drones could be used for lethal attacks on Ukraine, and to make Amazon deliveries easier to Moscow and Tehran.

New York officials are considering postponing the Belmont Stakes due to air quality. Horses say if they can stand the air in their stalls, they’re fine with the air on the track.

A Columbia University study claims taurine – active ingredient in most energy drinks – could slow aging and extend healthy lifestyles. Red Bull is now sponsoring all-night raves at retirement homes.

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Hawai’i’s Kilauea volcano erupted on Wednesday. State officials warned area residents the air quality is almost as bad as New York & Philadelphia.

Canada claims most of the wildfires blanketing the Eastern United States in smoke are contained, after Canadian first responders say they’ve spent weeks politely asking the fires to stop burning.

20 people were rescued after The Zipper ride malfunctioned at St John The Beloved’s Church Carnival in Wilmington, Delaware. Also, multiple altar boys at St. John The Beloved say they’ve been traumatized by The Zipper of Father Mike.

Taco Bell is offering a Vegan Crunchwrap in several test markets, after successful coordination with EMTs in those markets who specialize in treating explosive diarrhea.

New Jersey wildlife officials warn beachgoers of a unique breed of clinging jellyfish. They sting you, then insist on going with you to dinner and the movies later.

Pat Robertson, founder of the Christian Broadcasting Network and ultra-conservative Republican, died at age 93. His passing was confirmed by a spokesperson for Hell.

Pete Davidson is featured in the new Transformers: Rise of the Beasts, which tells the story of the Kardashians putting on their makeup in the morning.

The Centers for Disease Control warns of a deadly new bacteria with a 50% fatality rate that’s endemic to the U.S. Gulf Coast areas of Florida, Texas & elsewhere. The CDC advises steering clear of the conch fritters.

Barstool Sports founder Dave Portnoy called PGA Tour Commissioner Jay Monahan “a piece of sh*t” following the announcement of the PGA/LIV merger. Portnoy’s remarks were made on the ‘It Takes One To Know One’ podcast.

Porn star Moriah Mills attacked NBA star Zion Williamson, after he announced his girlfriend is pregnant. Mills claims she was blindsided and betrayed, because she had unprotected sex with Williamson just last week – right after having sex with four other guys at her work that day.