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NASA’s Mars Rover found a shiny piece of foil on a rock. It also found an extraterrestrial lying on the ground holding its stomach, then discovered the foil had ‘KFC’ printed on it.

A new study discovered that when cats chew and rub against catnip, it protects them against mosquitoes. Indoor cats still like it just to get wasted.

Vladimir Putin claimed that a cyberattack delayed his planned speech to the St. Petersburg Economic Forum. However, the tech support guy on site claimed Putin kept pressing the wrong function key for the projector.

The Stadium Tour kicked off at Atlanta’s Truist Park, featuring performances from Classless Act, Joan Jett, Poison, Def Leppard, Motley Crue, and the defibrillator used to keep Motley’s Mick Mars and Vince Neil moving.

The state of Hawai’i’ tweeted that there are currently no girls detained in the Hawai’i Youth Correctional Facility. The facility’s annual Hula Contest promises to be an interesting one.

After closing due to the ongoing pandemic, Hong Kong’s iconic Jumbo Floating Restaurant was towed away. To save money, they used octopuses repurposed from the kitchen.

WWE CEO Vince McMahon stepped down after it was revealed he paid $3 million in hush money to a female employee with whom he naked tag-teamed.

USA Today determined a reporter fabricated quotes for 23 different stories, forcing their removal from the green, purple & red sections.

20 juveniles attempted to seize control of a youth correctional facility in Louisiana, but their plan unraveled when they argued about whose Tik Tok they would post the video to.

Jackass star Johnny Knoxville filed for divorce from his wife, Naomi. He’s asking for joint custody of their two children, who will be delivered to him every other weekend by being shot out of a cannon.

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Camden, New Jersey started a summer program encouraging food trucks to operate in the city, providing opportunities for locals who have never carjacked a food truck.

Britney Spears fired her security team after her first husband Jason Alexander crashed her wedding venue without permission. They all applied for jobs with her second husband Kevin Federline, but he told them he’s out of work too.

A man impersonating Golden State Warriors forward Klay Thompson made it past security and stayed on the team’s court for ten minutes before leaving. He managed to convince everyone he was Thompson by not practicing defensive drills.

Georgia GOP Senate candidate and former NFL star Herschel Walker, who publicly criticizes black absentee fathers, admitted he has a child he never sees. Donald Trump, who endorsed Walker, said he’s glad Herschel has his own Tiffany.

‘Jackass‘ alum Bam Margera reportedly fled his court-appointed rehab because he wasn’t getting celebrity treatment as he had in other rehab stints. And by ‘celebrity treatment’ he meant ‘cocaine’.

Dog the Bounty Hunter’s daughter Lyssa Chapman married partner Leiana Evensen. Said the officiant, “I now pronounce you bitch and bitch….you may now sniff each other’s butts”.

A Montgomery County, PA man was arrested for selling THC-laced snacks like Rice Krispies treats and Oreo brownies on a playground. Police were tipped off by middle school customers angry that they had to wait in line behind their parents.

Kim Kardashian joked with Pete Davidson, telling him the video technician she’s worked with for 14 years “has probably seen my vagina” — forgetting that across all websites, her vagina has had roughly 100 million unique visitors.

The Federal Reserve raised its prime interest rate 0.75% in an effort to curb rampant inflation. The move puts a real squeeze on millennials and Gen Z, potentially increasing student loan payments they have no intention of making anyway.

Amazon announced their annual Prime Day sale will be held July 12th & 13th, with Prime member purchases arriving via free, expedited two-day shipping on July 30th & 31st.

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Tesla may be sued because of allegations its Autopilot feature deactivates moments before a collision, so as to shift blame to the driver. Tesla plans to dispute this, claiming the car is shifting from Autopilot to Jesus Take The Wheel mode.

A lawsuit claims a 4-year-old boy in Houston was given a vasectomy during hernia surgery. The boy’s family seeks $1 million in damages, and a reversal of the vasectomy so he can start a family with the kindergarten teacher he has a crush on.

A muckraking political action committee alleges GOP Representative Lauren Boebert was employed as a paid sex worker and had two abortions. It also says she’s so dumb, she had both abortions done on the same visit.

14 children were injured when a bounce house went airborne and landed on an empty tennis court. First responders are thankful it landed on the tennis court, because if it landed on the pickleball court it could have killed four 80-year-olds.

Lizzo changed the lyrics to her new song Grrrls to remove the word ‘spaz’ which is considered offensive. She promised to be more thoughtful and stick to ‘bitch’ and the N-word.

Newlywed Britney Spears and her husband moved into a new house in a gated community where ex-husband Kevin Federline lives with the two boys he fathered with Britney. She says it’s not about visiting her boys, it’s so she can send child support payments with one of those drive-up teller vacuum tube things.

Charlie Sheen is displeased that his daughter Sami is now on Only Fans. He claims ex-wife Denise Richards enabled it, but it makes sense that Richards gave their daughter a video camera, green screen, and sex toys for her 18th birthday.

A dog set a Missouri home on fire when it turned on a burner of a kitchen stove. The dog was rescued and treated his family to KFC because he burned dinner.

Microsoft ends support for its Internet Explorer browser after 26 years. Loyal users are bombarding customer support websites to ensure they can save the Mapquest directions to their grandkids house.

Amber Heard told Today host Savannah Guthrie she still has love for Johnny Depp, adding they’ve been through a lot of shit together.

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In Philadelphia, a food delivery driver shot a Chick-fil-A employee in the leg because he believed a milkshake was missing from his order. As news of the shooting spread, other food delivery drivers in Philadelphia reported getting bigger tips.

Movie theaters in the Middle East banned Disney/Pixar’s Lightyear because of a same-sex kiss. The Middle East is still reeling from that time Bugs Bunny dressed up like a sexy lady and kissed Elmer Fudd.

Instagram will now allow parents to send invitations to teen users so that parents can have additional supervisory controls. So far parents are 0-for-19 million getting their invitations accepted.

Yahoo! appointed Jessica Alba to its Board Of Directors, with incumbent women directors voting ‘No’ and male directors voting ‘Yahoo’!.

American Express will issue its first ‘Crypto Rewards Card’, where members can earn purchase rewards in their choice of cryptocurrency, which they’ll then have the flexibility to spend pretty much nowhere.

The vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle ridden by Johnny Depp in the John Waters movie ‘Cry Baby‘ is up for auction, with a starting bid of $250,000. Which seems high, but is still less than what some creep paid for the bedsheets Amber Heard ruined.

AEW wrestler Jeff Hardy was arrested for his 3rd DUI in Florida. Hardy was taken into custody after the cop slapped the pavement three times and rang a bell.

Japan enacted a law making ‘online insults’ punishable by up to year in prison. So now the Internet in Japan is pretty much just weird porn and cat videos.

Cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase is laying off 18% of its workforce. Asked how many of them wanted their severance paid in cryptocurrency, a spokesperson said “none”.

All entrances to Yellowstone National Park were closed amidst heavy flooding, disappointing tourists who’d hoped to get photos of bears surfing.

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A surge in COVID cases in Beijing has been traced to the Heaven Supermarket bar, a 24-hour bar known for cheap drinks and huge crowds. Chinese officials announced Heaven is in lockdown.

The average U.S. price for a gallon of gasoline topped $5.00 for the first time. It’s so expensive, drivers attending Dead & Company shows have eliminated ‘ass’ & ‘grass’ as payment options for those wishing to ride along.

Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Bill Stepien cancelled his testimony before the January 6th Committee hearings because of a “family emergency” – reportedly, his wife going into labor because, reportedly, Trump induced labor with a million dollars.

Shameka Morris, a young mom in Florida, is being criticized online for covering her one-year-old son’s entire body in temporary tattoos. The toddler is also being criticized for not wearing a shirt at day care while starting a Big Wheel gang there.

A fisherman gutted a large catfish he’d caught in the Ohio River and discovered the fish had swallowed a dildo. Days later, fishermen standing waist-deep in the Ohio River are wondering what ever happened to their favorite catfish.

19-year-old Katie Feeney is the NFL Washington Commanders first-ever social media coordinator. She plans future posts where former Commanders cheerleaders give her tips on dealing with inevitable sexual harassment.

Britney Spears said she danced in a “diamond thong” during her wedding reception. A gemologist inspecting the diamonds downgraded them from ‘flawless’ to ‘kinda gross’.

Christina Aguilera performed at the LA Pride celebration wearing a sparking green strap on dildo. Asked where she got it, she said there were bunch of them in the Lost & Found after the Pride Parade.

Broadway’s Tony Awards were handed out Sunday night, honoring the creative pioneers who turn cartoons, movies and older Broadway plays into recycled spectacles seen by a fraction of one percent of the population.

Rapper The Game said he was hurt that Dr Dre didn’t ask him to join last year’s Super Bowl Halftime show with Eminem, Snoop & Mary J Blige. Dre deflected, saying he didn’t ask because he’s The Game, not The Halftime.

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Two workers were rescued after falling into a chocolate vat at a Mars Wrigley candy factory in Pennyslvania. They were treated at a local hospital, and other employees were treated to a song about what they did wrong by little people coworkers.

Co-writer of 90s hit Ice Ice Baby, Mario ‘Chocolate’ Johnson, alleges performer Vanilla Ice didn’t write a word of it. For his part, an angry Ice accused Mario of acting like a chocolate johnson.

GEICO was ordered to pay $5.2 million to a woman who contracted HPV while having sex with a man in his GEICO-insured car. High school girls planning to go all the way in their boyfriend’s cars are now asking them for insurance information.

Jay Z & Twitter founder Jack Dorsey started a ‘Bitcoin Academy’ in a Brooklyn housing project. This replaces the ‘Career Academy’ run by local pimps.

Fleetwood Mac’s Christine McVie said that champagne and cocaine made her perform better, but she needed to stay alert before shows to make sure she got some before Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham snorted and chugged it all.

Lebron James said he wants to own an NBA franchise in Las Vegas, once he finds several co-owners to blame when the team doesn’t win.

Donald Trump is said to have agreed with January 6th rioters who wanted to hang Mike Pence. Pence was temporarily excited because he thought Trump agreed that Pence was hung.

AT&T is reportedly working on delivering 20 gigabit-per-second Internet access to homes next year. Xfinity said their focus remains on convincing customers they’re getting gigabit Internet speed when it’s really about half that.

Britney Spears’ first husband Jason Alexander attempted to crash her Thursday wedding ceremony. He was arrested and will remain jailed for longer than the 55 hours he was married to Britney.

A British man broke a world record by deadlifting 285.49 pounds with a single finger. He was later rushed to a hospital with severe bleeding after picking his nose.

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A man with a gun was arrested near the home of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. He planned to kill Kavanaugh and not a different conservative Justice because he was pretty sure there would be good beer there to celebrate afterward.

The Amarillo, Texas Zoo is shared a photo taken on May 21st of a strange, wolflike creature, and asked for the public’s help to identify it. Thousands of similar tips have poured in, but Ted Cruz wasn’t in town that day.

Thailand decriminalized marijuana, but still considers smoking it in public a nuisance law violation. In other news, the entirety of Thailand is sold out of brownie mix.

Apple introduced a new ‘Medication Tracking Feature’ to remind users to take their prescription meds – a feature long-demanded by forgetful seniors and opioid addicts with Apple Watches.

Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson reportedly booked massage therapy sessions with 66 different women. Watson, who’s played in the NFL just four years, already surpassed the league record for groin pulls set by 20-year veteran Brett Favre.

The Los Angeles Rams agreed to an extension with wide receiver Cooper Kupp. And Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson negotiated an extension with several new massage therapists.

NASA’s powerful new James Webb Space Telescope suffered damage after being struck by a micrometeoroid- which fled the scene before sharing insurance information.

Prior to Game 3 of the NBA Finals, the visiting Golden State Warriors noticed the rim on the hoop they were shooting at during warmups was two inches too high. The height was corrected by the equipment supervisor – a former New England Patriots employee who inflated the footballs.

Kim Kardashian said it made her “so f**king horny” when boyfriend Pete Davidson got her Dibs ice cream bites from a drug store. Khloe Kardashian said she can relate, saying she gets horny for the Grubhub guy when he delivers the 20 oz ribeye from Sizzler.

Britney Spears will marry Sam Asghari today, in an intimate ceremony before 100 close friends and family. They chose Thursday because on the weekends they’re pretty slammed with birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese.

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The Washington Post suspended writer Dave Weigel for a month for retweeting the joke “Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.” Weigel is remorseful, with a co-worker saying the suspension not only rectum, it practically killed him.

The mother of a two-year-old who shot and killed his father is being charged with manslaughter. The toddler said it’s the only way his mother would put Paw Patrol back on.

Microsoft virtual reality chief Alex Kipman resigned over accusations of inappropriate behavior toward women, and of watching ‘virtual reality porn’ in the office. Women claim Kipman would wear VR glasses in meetings and squeeze stress balls with his arms extended.

Fox News will not air the January 6th Committee’s primetime hearings on Thursday. However, they’re not sure Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson & Laura Ingraham can hold their audience, so they made the unprecedented move to air a Matlock marathon.

Season 4 of Netflix hit Stranger Things propelled 1985 Kate Bush song ‘Running Up That Hill’ to Top 10 spots on U.S. and U.K, singles charts. However, no such luck for Wham! rerelease ‘Wake Me Up Before You DemoGo-Go-Gorgon’.

Philadelphia’s Made In America Festival announced its lineup for 2022 – headlined by Bad Bunny, Tyler The Creator, and bulletproof VIP viewing tents.

The European Union announced that in 2024, all smartphones and electronics must use a standard charger such as USB-C for regulatory approval. Apple said they’re okay, so long as they can continue selling $35 cords that break in two weeks.

As U.S. states enact strict abortion regulations amidst the expected reversal of Roe v Wade, direct-to-home abortion pill startup businesses are getting interest, such as Uber Broken Condom and Plan UPS.

Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro, speaking after his arrest for Contempt of Congress, claimed he was treated worse than illegal immigrants & Al Qaeda terrorists. Arresting officers deny this, saying Navarro was actually waterboarded with Kool-Aid.

Stars of reality tv show Chrisley Knows Best, Todd & Julie Chrisley, were found guilty of defrauding banks out of $30 million in personal loans. While their own show was cancelled, they’ll be special guests on future episodes of Love After Lockup.

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New Jersey fishermen spotted a massive great white shark. Shark experts say it’s a teenage great white, because of its size, and because it was copying a great black shark’s dance moves and recording it for Tik Tok.

Philadelphia police blamed “contagious gunfire” for a weekend shooting on South Street. As proof of the contagion, they said over a dozen people tested positive for lead.

A petition from Michigan Republicans to stop voter fraud was voided after it was found to contain 20,000 fake signatures. They’ll regroup and renew their efforts, according to Michigan GOP chairman Mike Hunt.

Actress Neve Campbell will not appear in Scream 6, saying the salary she was offered was insufficient given her contributions to the franchise. That, and the first five left her with a really sore throat.

Apple announced iOS 16 and changes to iMessage, including the ability to unsend and edit dick pics.

Paramount Pictures, producer of Top Gun: Maverick, is being sued for copyright payments by family members of the author of an article which inspired the original Top Gun. Plaintiffs are seeking damages in the millions, although a similar suit involving the Iron Eagle movies was settled for free popcorn refills.

The CDC added four nations to its ‘high risk’ list for travel due to COVID infections: St Kitts & Nevis; Guyana; Mongolia; Namibia. Also, the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms added two destinations to their high-risk list: anywhere in Philadelpia or Chicago on Saturday nights

A mysterious radio signal emanating from a slow pulsar in outer space has astronomers baffled – despite being the 10th callers, they were unable to identify the secret sound and the Radio Jupiter prize pack grew to $6,000.

Amazon Prime Video released the first trailer for its ‘A League Of Their Own’ tv show, which promises a “deeper look at race & sexuality” in women’s pro baseball. Translation: Betty Spaghetti’s husband dies and she hooks up with her black teammate.

More PGA Tour players are resigning in order to play for the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. The first event is this weekend in London, so they’ll all be-headed there.

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Scottish football referees Craig Napier and Lloyd Wilson came out as gay, to help change the stigma of homosexuality in that country. Now they give players a redyelloworangegreenblue card.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson faces a ‘no confidence’ vote from Parliament for throwing parties during COVID lockdown. Johnson’s defense centers on his wanting to get a 20-month headstart on the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations.

Sony Pictures rerelease of box office bomb Morbius failed, with just $85,000 in tickets sold on Friday – and those were to people tricked by the new title, Top Gun: Morbius.

Queen Elizabeth was unable to attend her Platinum Jubilee concert due to discomfort. However, she did send two royal butlers to the show to throw her panties on the stage at Rod Stewart.

Thousands of UK workers are starting a four-day work week trial, where they receive full pay for just 80% of the hours, promising that they’ll maintain the same productivity. “Yep, we promise” said British teens smoking cigarettes in front of UK Walmart.

New diabetes drug Tirzepatide led to larger-than-expected weight loss in patients, and not just from their feet falling off.

Virgin Atlantic airlines updated its policy and now allows flight attendants to show off their tattoos while in uniform. However, tattoos on women’s breasts and men’s buttocks are only visible to first class passengers.

Kyle Rittenhouse claimed he’s going to Texas A&M in the fall, but the university said he’s not enrolled. Rittenhouse clarified, saying he meant he’s going to Texas armed & murder people.

A teaser trailer for the new Hunger Games movie prequel premiered last night, called The No Thanks I’m Stuffed Games.

388 people in Britain donned mermaid tails to break the Guinness World Record for largest gathering of ‘merfolk’. The mermaid tails may be auctioned off, once the urine is cleaned out of them.