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Ed Winter, Los Angeles county coroner who autopsied some of the world’s biggest celebrities, has died. He’ll be honored with a star on the Hollywood Wall of Refrigerated Drawers of Fame.

The Chairperson of the Libertarian Party condemned convicted felon Joe Exotic for seeking the party’s nomination for U.S. President. Exotic made the announcement during a campaign stop at a license plate factory.

South Korea has the world’s lowest fertility rate, with an average of just 0.78 children for every woman of child-bearing age. South Korean women now have the world’s highest approval rating among single men.

Microsoft introduced Power Platform Copilot, an artificial intelligence that creates an app based off of a simple description of the app’s desired function. “Why is this app telling me to have sex with you?” asked thousands of wives and girlfriends looking at the new app on their phones.

Blac Chyna appeared in public for the first time since having her facial fillers dissolved and butt implants removed. Onlookers described her as long-faced and half-assed.

The Mayor of Miami Beach, Florida instituted a curfew after incidents of gun violence during Spring Break. In other news, area Wet T-Shirt contests are now Red T-Shirt contests.

Adam Sandler was honored with the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor at the Kennedy Center in Washington DC. At the Arkansas State Fairgrounds, Larry the Cable Guy was honored with the Ernest P. Worrell Prize for Southern American Humor.

Sydney Sweeney of HBO’s Euphoria said in an interview that she developed large breasts before other girls and felt ostracized for it. Now she has tv & movie roles and feels d-cized for it.

Porn star Stormy Daniels revealed she’d married porn star Barrett Blade at the end of 2022. This is Daniels fourth marriage – the other three ended when work got in the way.

Mexico’s President Andrés Manuel López Obrador said U.S. families are to blame for the fentanyl crisis because they don’t hug their kids enough. Mexicans entering the U.S. are already attempting to fix the problem by forming hug cartels.

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Tinder is updating their app, allowing users to define their desired ‘Relationship Type’ to accommodate Gen Z preferences for non-monogamy. Choices include “open relationship”; “hierarchical polyamory”; and “your face on my genitals then you leave”.

Artificial intelligence ChatGPT can now pass the bar exam. Aspiring lawyer Kim Kardashian announced she’s now sleeping with ChatGPT.

French citizens rioted over a government proposal to raise the country’s retirement age from 62 to 64. They plan to resume rioting after they take their required four-hour midday break.

Snoop Dogg is launching a new premium coffee brand – the first-of-its-kind coffee you can smoke.

Apple announced the upcoming iPhone 15 Pro Max will break the record for the thinnest bezels of any smartphone – surrounding a glass screen that cracks the first time you drop it.

The U.S. State Department warns of a delay in passport processing for international travelers. “We’ve been waiting six months and this is unacceptable” said the new head of Al Qaeda.

New research from Spanish urologists finds the average penis increases 42% in size from a flaccid to erect state. Research from Spanish sex shop retailers finds the average penis size increases 100% between the first and second sex-toy purchases.

California is considering a ban on candy containing carcinogenic additives, such as Skittles, Sour Patch Kids and others. This, after dozens of children were found to be undergoing chemotherapy to battle malignant Pezanoma.

Actress Sharon Stone, speaking to a Women’s Cancer Research Fund benefit, talked of her recent breast cancer scare and financial struggles, saying “I lost half my money to this banking thing”. It’s unclear if she was a customer of Silicon Valley Bank, or if she threw out the mattress in her guest room.

A Florida man was arrested after demanding oral sex from a massage therapist and pointing a gun at her after being told she doesn’t engage in that activity. He was charged, then released after being told by cops where they ‘do’ engage in that activity.

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The U.S. Government is threatening a ban on TikTok unless the app’s Chinese owners sell their stake in it. China said they’ll think about it, but they’re keeping all of the personal data and dance moves they’ve saved.

Actress Christina Ricci said on The View that she was once sued by a movie producer because she refused to perform a sex scene in a ‘certain way’. A Disney spokesperson declined comment on the production of That Darn Cat.

Officials from Japan and South Korea agreed to meet for the first time in 12 years – as the rest of the world admits to not even knowing they were mad at each other.

Some Gen Z drivers claim giving rude or dangerous drivers the ‘thumbs down’ is more impactful than flipping a middle finger or horn-honking. They offer as evidence about a dozen young drivers suffering bullet wounds after giving the thumbs down.

Madison Crowley, a bride-to-be from Atlanta who’s never had sex with her fiance, had his first initial tattooed on her butt for him to discover on their wedding night. The tattoo artist also covered up six other initials.

A tech tycoon claims to have offered a woman seated next to him on a flight $100,000 to remove her face mask for the duration of it, but she refused. She said it was because she felt safer, and because the ‘tech tycoon’ was in a middle seat on Spirit.

A man wrongfully convicted of robbery in Florida was released after serving 34 years of a 400-year sentence. Although the State Attorney General claims he likely would have been released after 200 years for good behavior.

Google Maps plans an update incorporating visual landmarks in addition to voice guidance, aiming the feature at boomers who need to know how many street lights and McDonald’s they pass before making a turn.

NASA debuted the new ultra-modern spacesuit to be worn by astronauts on the Artemis moon mission in 2025. The crew will include the first woman and first person of color on a moon mission – so NASA is spending extra time working on the shoes.

An Alabama school installed two bulletproof classrooms – one for the football team and one for the cheerleaders.

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The Sargussum Belt, a 5,000-mile-long-mass of seaweed circling Florida, threatens to destroy shoreline marine life and hinder tourism with its rotten smell. It already endorses Governor Ron DeSantis for President.

A Texas judge will hear arguments in a landmark case which could ban access to abortion pills across the U.S. He’s expected to issue a ruling before prom season.

Guitarist Brian May was granted knighthood by King Charles II, the first Queen to be knighted since Sir Elton John.

A forklift collapsed at JFK Airport, falling on the operator. He was treated at the scene for serious leg injuries, and after the forklift was set upright, a new operator resumed using it to smash baggage for United Airlines.

Lindsay Lohan announced her first cocaine-free pregnancy.

TikTok banned the account of a man attempting to lose 50 pounds in 100 days by only eating half-portions of McDonald’s meals. TikTok cited its policy against promoting “dangerous weight loss”, and suggested the man incorporate exercise by repeatedly climbing unstable stacks of milk crates.

A man was convicted by a Netherlands court of “stealthing” – removing a condom during sex without his partner’s consent. He was also ordered to repaint the wall where it stuck after tossing it away.

A Illinois woman found her missing husband’s dead body in a closet in December after he’d been missing for eight months. His death was ruled a suicide and her Christmas decorations were ruled unuseable.

18 female guards were fired or resigned from their jobs at a UK men’s prison for engaging in sexual activity with inmates. The prison is categorized as minimum security and maximum intimacy.

A Kentucky middle school principal was arrested on a domestic violence charge during his first day on the job. The teacher who gave him an apple as a welcome gift admits it wasn’t the best idea.

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Lunchables are being shipped directly to school systems, following modifications to meet minimum nutrition requirements. Meaning, each lunch now doubles in size and comes with two bottles of Flintstones vitamins.

A new study claims 3D-printed organs for medical transplants are still 10 years away, and you’ll still be blown away at how much the magenta cartridge refills cost.

Los Angeles Angels slugger Shohei Otani, playing for Japan in the World Baseball Classic, was struck out on three pitches by Czech Republic pitcher Ondrej Satoria, who works as an electrician. Teams may try to sign Satoria if they think they can afford a full-time electrician.

For the first time since 1977, all six of Philadelphia’s universities failed to qualify for the NCAA Men’s Basketball tournment – shocking, considering how good Philly is at shooting.

Former Los Angeles Dodgers pitcher Trevor Bauer, suspended from Major League Baseball for sexual assault, will pitch for Japan’s Yokohama BayStars. Now Bauer can throw strikes at Japanese women.

Two Philadelphia schools remain closed for asbestos removal. Experts concluded the asbestos poses the 26th-most-dangerous threat to students at those schools.

Dubai will no longer charge a 30% tax on alcohol, and will no longer require tourists to buy permits to purchase alcoholic drinks. Dubai’s tourism board said this opens a door for rappers to finally hold their kids Sweet 16 parties in the country.

Former The O.C. actress Rachel Bilson said she never experienced orgasm during sex until she was 38 years old – recalling years of frustrating Chrismukkah Eves.

Facebook & Instagram parent Meta announced 10,000 job cuts, leaving impacted workers Reeling from the Story.

Silicon Valley Bank’s new CEO sent a letter to clients, saying “We are conducting business as usual”. He’s expected to be replaced by 4p.m.

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Collectibles maker Funko Pop will destroy $30 million worth of figurines to save money on storage space. They plan to recycle the plastic and make a dozen rare new Funko Pops of Brendan Fraser in The Whale.

Fraser took home the Best Actor Oscar for his portrayal of a dying morbidly obese man, then announced to avoid typecasting he declined the lead role in a biography of Marlon Brando.

The state of Delaware declined to renew a vegan car owner’s LUVTOFU vanity plate, because it could be interpreted as “love to f*** you”, and because the DMV fails to believe anyone genuinely loves tofu.

Apple is reportedly bringing new health-awareness features to its AirPods headphones, including the potential to test user’s hearing, and alerting them that they’re about to get hit by a bus.

A couple renovating their new Arkansas home opened a wall and found hundreds of empty Camel cigarette boxes and Viagra packages. They were even more shocked to learn it was the bedroom of the previous owner’s 11-year-old daughter.

Pope Francis marked his ten-year anniversary on the job, but he’ll probably just spend a quiet night at home with the boys.

Memphis Grizzlies Ja Morant lost his sponsorship deal with Coca-Cola’s Powerade, but is rumored to be working on a new ad where he sips 5 Hour Energy for the boost he needs to punch a 17-year-old kid in the face.

A customer is suing Buffalo Wild Wings over their use of the name ‘Boneless wings’ – saying they’re made from breast meat, not wing meat. BWW’s attorneys are privately relieved the suit doesn’t challenge if they’re actually made of chicken.

Federal regulators seized the assets of Silicon Valley Bank. Worse, the Consumer Product Safety Commission recalled the toasters they were giving out for opening new accounts.

Blac Chyna is undergoing treatments to remove silicone injections from her buttocks as well as breast reduction surgery. She’s losing so much size she’s changing her name from Blac Chyna to Blac Jypan.

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A second Norfolk Southern freight train derailed in Ohio. Unlike the East Palestine incident, no toxic chemicals were released, but first responders did report seeing a couple dozen banged-up hobos.

Walgreens refuses to distribute abortion pills in 21 GOP controlled states. They’ll still sell you condoms, but you have to tell the clerk the secret word.

The Gulf Cartel allegedly bound and surrendered five men who kidnapped and killed Americans traveling to Mexico for plastic surgery. Next to the men, the cartel left a note reading “Interns? Am I right?”

Jaxon Italiano is the new world record holder for pull-ups, completing 8,008 of them in 24 hours. Instead of taking breaks, he also wore pull-ups.

Mitch McConnell suffered a concussion after tripping and falling at a fundraising dinner. Dinner organizers said if they knew patrons would see McConnell getting concussed, they could have charged more for tickets.

Salesforce laid off hundreds of employees this week, becoming Smaller Salesforce.

The Philadelphia Flyers fired General Manager Chuck Fletcher. They made their decision after telling Fletcher they were thinking of letting him go, and he didn’t want to fight anyone to keep it.

Joe Biden released his federal budget plan, which completely eliminates White House spending on Diet Coke, but increases spending on Werthers Originals.

Lauren Boebert, 35, revealed she’ll be a grandmother. Her 17-year-old son and his girlfriend are expecting a baby in two months. The expecting teen mom is thrilled she’ll get to wear Boebert’s prom gown this month.

Kids breakfast beverage Sunny D is now lending its name to Sunny D Vodka Seltzer, a breakfast beverage for some adults.

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Toblerone must remove an image of the Matterhorn on packaging because production of the chocolate bar is moving from Switzerland to Slovakia. The Matterhorn image will be replaced by a mountain of rotted teeth.

CNN anchor Kasie Hunt delivered a baby girl in just 13 minutes of labor on her bathroom floor. She’ll have more news on this at the top of the hour after she cleans her bathroom.

NBA Memphis Grizzlies star Ja Morant is taking a leave from the team after flashing a handgun in an Instagram video, and amidst rumors he punched a teen in the face and brandished a weapon after a pickup basketball game last year. In other news, the Grizzlies introduced a new jersey-patch sponsor, Glock.

A man in Florida died from a rare brain-eating amoeba infection, possibly after rinsing his sinuses with tap water. Police found the murder weapon … Navage!!

French photographer Francois Prost published a new photo book ‘Gentleman’s Club‘, with pictures of the exteriors of 150 strip clubs across the U.S. He decided on exterior portraits after having both arms and all of his cameras broken taking photos inside.

Convicted murderer and paralympic sprinter Oscar Pistorius is up for parole in South Africa. The news has really put a spring in his step.

Donald Trump released a plan to build ten new “Freedom Cities” with ‘baby bonuses’ paid to residents to incentivize childbirth – with payments made roughly nine months after Trump visits.

The Department of Transportation rolled out a new online dashboard showing which airlines charge extra fees for families to sit together. It also shows carriers such as Spirit, Frontier & Southwest – which don’t charge fees, but make you fight for it.

A 41-year-old former teacher on OnlyFans gives “report cards” to her subscribers on their genitals and “Miss Sarah” stickers to the most loyal fans. The loyal fans were disappointed they’re not scented stickers.

A young Australian mother who was filmed as her 11-month-old inhaled her vape device has broken her silence, expressing regret. She did add that her child is now hanging out with the cool babies at day care.

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A jury deliberated less than an hour before finding South Carolina attorney Alex Murdaugh guilty of murdering his wife and son. It would have been even faster, but one of the jurors ordered the chocolate souffle with lunch, which takes 30 minutes.

A new study finds drinking Coke and Pepsi raises testosterone levels and increases testicle size. New ‘Pepsi Challenge’ ads are planned, claiming better taste and bigger balls.

McDonald’s President Joe Ehrlinger called a California proposal requiring a $22/hour wage “costly and job-destroying”. Meanwhile, California’s Surgeon General called McDonald’s two-person Cardi B & Offset Meal “costly and cardiac-destroying”.

An alligator interrupted a Florida high school lacrosse practice by walking on the field. The gator has shoulder-length blond hair and is named Xander, so he was asked to join the team as a midfielder.

Shopping network QVC is laying off 400 workers, who will be paid a severance package in 12 easy installments.

Nordstrom announced they’re closing all stores in Canada, citing operating losses and it’s just too goddamned cold.

Japan found 7,000 islands the country didn’t know existed. along with a lot of shipwrecks and dead bodies.

Lufthansa introduced Allegris, a first-class option providing passengers with a private compartment and a double bed. First-class passengers joining the Mile High Club have a switch they flip to warn the pilot & flight attendants of turbulence.

A prestigious law firm is suing one of their own attorneys, claiming she “quiet quit” by doing the bare minimum while she worked remotely and even started her own firm. She filed a countersuit after she got home from the Tuesday movie matinee.

A Florida woman tried to pass a drug test with a fake urine sample of soda and tap water that she’d put in a pill bottle hidden in her vagina. Her fake urine still tested positive for oxycodone and Fresca.