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Peacock network debuted ‘Queer Planet’, a documentary exploring alternate sexual relationships in the animal kingdom. One of the featured couples is a lion ‘bromance’, which causes a less-than-Happy Pride.

Rapper 50 Cent visited Capitol Hill to lobby for greater representation in the liquor & spirits industry among persons of color, b*tches, and hos.

Donald Trump will meet for a probation interview following his felony conviction. His probation officer will advise him to keep his nose clean – or, at least no more orange than the rest of his face.

A bull at an Oregon rodeo hopped a fence and injured four spectators before being captured. The rodeo was halted, and the bull promised to return to restart the rodeo with him leading, 4-0.

Users of hair-loss prevention drug finasteride are being warned of impotence as a side effect. Hair Club For Men is considering a name change to Hair & Strictly Platonic Dating Club For Men.

A kite surfer stranded on a California beach used rocks to spell HELP before being spotted & rescued. He shortened his message after realizing he didn’t have enough rocks to spell DUDE..HELP.

PGA Tour golfer Scottie Scheffler won Jack Nicklaus’ Memorial Tournament in Dublin, Ohio. He celebrated with a police escort to his victory party – dragging two of them as they clung to the side of his car.

A man lost 45 pounds in three months thanks to a new bariatric surgery that involves magnets. A magnet in his colon keeps him from getting up from his chair to get food.

A woman in Mexico died when she got too close to a passing vintage steam-engine train to take a selfie with it. A second woman died when a man in a top hat, cape & moustache tied her to the tracks in front of it.

The Who’s Roger Daltrey said he’s “f**king sick of it” when speaking about what’s ruining live concerts. He claims it’s people checking the setlist at sites like setlist.fm before the show … and not 80-year-olds charging premium prices for tickets.

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A 27-year-old Florida woman, Katherine Nieves Tavarez, was arrested for stabbing her live-in boyfriend, Amaury Vazquez Carerro, after Carrero repeatedly refused to have sex with her. “No means no!” said Carrero, which is particularly hard to do with a knife stuck in your face.

  • Asked why she stabbed her boyfriend, Tavarez said she really likes foreplay.

The FBI has reportedly completed their background investigation on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The contents remain secret, but allegedly contain damning evidence of lost deposits on kegs and taps to multiple beer distributors in Virginia and Connecticut.

The son of convicted felon and former rap mogul Suge Knight, Suge Knight Jr., said that Tupac Shakur is alive and living in Malaysia. The younger Knight offered as proof photos of Knight posing with 50 Cent and Beyoncé. Fans and social media followers remain unconvinced, and have raised a $1 million reward to whoever can post video of Tupac ‘flossing’.

Duchess Meghan Markle said that she needs to put on a baseball cap to disguise herself before grocery shopping. “Why are you wearing a baseball cap?” asked the maid as Meghan hands her the grocery list.

The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers announced a new wireless network standard, WiFi 6. It’s an even faster, steadier wifi stream that you can steal from the dope next door who doesn’t use a password.

A new laundry-cleaning startup, VClean, placed 200 of its vending machines in parking garages adjacent to London Underground stations. So far, the company is pleased with the response, except for all of the homeless people they’ve had to pull out of the machines.

ZipRecruiter raised $156 million in new funding. The platform, which matches job seekers with employers, claims it frees up time of human resources professionals to focus on what they do best – organizing employee cake parties, shopping, and handing out termination notices.

A black grandmother and two little girls campaigning for Texas Senate Candidate Beto O’Rourke were accosted by a white racist, who told them to “go back where they came from.” O’Rourke’s opponent, incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz, hasn’t officially commented, but said if the racist made fun of his wife’s looks, he could speak at a Cruz rally.

According to the Wall St Journal, Vice President Mike Pence will make a formal ‘rebuke’ of China, claiming that China is working to remove President Trump.  Meaning, if he’s right, a majority of 2016 U.S. voters have something in common with China.

Heart rate data from a 67-year-old San Jose woman’s Fitbit is being used to charge her 90-year-old stepfather with murder. According to the Fitbit, the woman’s heart rate reportedly spiked, then dropped to zero during the man’s visit. Later, the Fitbit told her she was getting the best sleep ever.

  • “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling fitness tracker!” the man said as he was led away in handcuffs.

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A passenger on an Alaska Airlines flight from Seattle to Anchorage was subdued after running down the aisle naked waving his arms in the air. And he still couldn’t get a second bag of pretzels.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards says that America has to get rid of Donald Trump. Introducing new Diet Coke w Heroin!

Chlamydia, syphilis, and gonorrhea cases have reached record highs in California in 2017. Although the California Department of Public Health conceded that the data were recorded prior to Harvey Weinstein losing his job at Miramax Studios.

Researchers claim to have deciphered four dirty jokes that were hidden behind other paper in Anne Frank’s diary, and have asked Amy Schumer to admit they weren’t hers.

Actress Patricia O’Grady lived in a rent-controlled two-bedroom Greenwich Village apartment for $28.43/month until her death in March at age 84 after being struck by a car. Her landlord was unable to attend the funeral because he was dropping his car off for bodywork.

61-year-old ‘lunch lady’ Lenora Williams of Radford, Virginia was found to have embezzled over $250,000 from the city’s school system. Williams died unexpectedly in 2017, just days after collecting one final windfall from Taco Tuesday.

Rockport shoe company filed for bankruptcy, citing decreased demand from men wanting to look like time-travelers from the eighties who never get laid.

LaGuardia Airport in New York opened Jabbrrbox stations – 7-foot-tall glass cubes that rent for $30/hour. The cubes are billed as private airport spaces where travelers can work or relax.  They changed the name to Jabbrrbox after the public was frightened by their first-choice name, Sleeper Cells.

Facebook announced that users will be able to flag messages related to harassment, hate speech and suicide on Facebook Messenger. Although Facebook said content monitors who get sick of seeing too many flagged messages will just reply with a Thumbs Up emoji.

Facebook said they’d taken down 21 million pieces of adult nudity between January and March of this year. “Man, Zuckerberg, your wife sure posts a lot of pictures on Facebook!” joked a guy who doesn’t work at Facebook anymore.

John Travolta danced onstage with 50 Cent at the Cannes Film Festival, although 50 declined when Travolta asked for a slow song to dance to.

 

 

 

 

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104-year-old Australian scientist David Goodall, who’d raised $20,000 to travel to Switzerland to end his life via assisted suicide, died Thursday. Goodall ended his life while listening to Beethoven’s ‘Ode to Joy’ – he’d wanted to die listening to Beethoven’s Fifth Symphony, but ran out of skips on Spotify Basic.

South Georgia Island near Antarctica, a haven for seabirds that had been infested by non-native rats, has been declared ‘rat free’ in what’s being called the largest rat eradication effort in history, using 13 tons of poison. Scientists believe the only chance for a bigger rat eradication will be in 2020, if the Trump Administration is voted out of Washington.

Donald Trump Jr., soon to be divorced from wife Vanessa, is dating Fox News host Kimberly Guilfoyle. Guilfoyle co-hosts Fox News’ ‘The Five’; Trump Jr. has stated his desire to appear on the show, despite only having a Four And A Half.

The South Carolina Department of Natural Resources asked its social media followers to identify a fish that has human-like teeth.  “Why don’t they just ask me?’ wondered Captain Salty the Sea Dentist.

Doctors are warning patients not to wear spandex leggings and yoga pants during MRI procedures, since they may contain metallic threads that could cause burns. They also warn of creepy MRI technicians who share this information in the context of offering women free Butt MRIs.

50 Cent announced that he’s leaving Instagram and going back to Twitter, because they (Instagram) “take shit down off my page with out notifying me. #censorthesenuts” Instagram was then besieged with complaints from 50’s followers – angry that they couldn’t see the photo of his nuts.

The New York Mets lost 2-1 to the Cincinnati Reds in a game where the Mets were penalized for batting out of order in the first inning. Mets Manager Mickey Callaway took the blame for the error, saying he was busy talking to one of the player’s cute mom to see if she could join the team when they went out for pizza after the game.

Ivanka Trump and Melania Trump wore almost identical dresses to President Trump’s signing ceremony for an Executive Order promoting hiring military spouses. The President said they both looked great and couldn’t decide which of them to have sex with first.

Four Danish men in their 20s have started ‘Organic Basics’, a line of underwear that you can wear for weeks without washing, because silver threads kill 99.9% of all bacteria. 2-packs of men’s briefs cost $64 and 2-packs of women’s thongs cost $56. They’ve sold 200,000 units to rich, gross people who never have sex.

L Brands, owner of Victoria’s Secret, is the worst performing stock in the S&P 500 this year, with shares down 50% – and no sign that a push-up is coming anytime soon.