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480 Otis – a brown bear residing in Southwest Alaska – was declared the winner of ‘Fat Bear Week’, a public voting contest for overweight bears. Otis moves on to the global competition, where he’ll compete against other bears and obese gay guys.

The President of the New York Police Department Union resigned following an FBI raid of his house, after he blocked them at the door and requested his standard bribe to let them in.

The U.S. Department of Education announced a new student loan forgiveness program, which could erase the debt of up to 550,000 Grubhub drivers and baristas with Psychology degrees.

1,400 factory workers at Kellogg’s went on strike following a failed year of negotiations for better pay and benefits – described by a union spokestiger as “not GRRRRRREAT!”

Republicans continue to block Democratic efforts to raise the debt ceiling prior to a mid-October deadline. It’s so heated, Nancy Pelosi isn’t allowed to charge her lunch at the Congressional cafeteria.

Mark Zuckerberg fired back at a whistleblower’s claims that Facebook puts profit before people, saying it’s “just not true”. Zuck added they also put algorithms before people.

A woman suffered significant burns after running into a hot spring at Yellowstone National Park to retrieve her dog. The woman was treated for her injuries, and the hot spring now belongs to the dog since he urinated in it.

Experts claim to have positively identified California’s Zodiac Killer – responsible for murders in the late 60s – as Gary Francis Poste … a Sagittarius.

CNBC rated the Top Financial Advisory firms of 2021. Number One overall was Dana Investment Advisors of Wisconsin. Ranked last was your cousin who told you to sell your house and use the proceeds to buy Dogecoin.

National Hockey League official Ryan Gibbons was taken off the ice on a stretcher following a violent accidental collision with Arizona Coyotes center Liam O’Brien. Gibbons was diagnosed with a concussion immediately after he signaled a touchdown.

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Due to a driver shortage, Massachusetts activated the National Guard to drive school buses. They’ll be paid the standard rate, plus whatever lunch money they can take from wimps.

Boston will elect its first non-white Mayor in the city’s history, as all candidates are persons of color. The frontrunner is Councilor Michelle Wu. “Wu-hu!” said her supporters after the primary. “Wu-Who?” asked non-voters.

Environmentalists are outraged that an annual dolphin hunt in the remote Faroe Islands killed far too many for the residents who rely on dolphin meat to eat, and that surplus will go wasted. That is, until Arby’s introduced their new Flipper Reuben.

Pfizer said they’ll seek approval for a COVID-19 vaccine for children ages 5-12 in November, leading to a national lollipop shortage.

School districts in the U.S. claim that new viral TikTok ‘Bathroom Challenges’ encourage students to damage fixtures, with the one causing the most damage declared winner. They say the worst damage to fixtures occurs on Taco Tuesday.

Instagram is looking at ways to deemphasize its emphasis on women’s bodies, after a study found the site is “toxic” for many teen girls. So, bad news for the Kardashians, and great news for cats.

Kendall Jenner told Tonight Show host Jimmy Fallon how she found out sister Kylie is pregnant, and that she wasn’t “shocked”. She wasn’t shocked, and found out, because she walked in on rapper Travis Scott & Kylie having sex.

Elon Musk’s SpaceX will launch the first all-civilian crew into orbit on Wednesday night. They’ll orbit Earth for approximately four days, or until one of them figures out how to get back sooner.

NASA awarded contracts to five companies to provide lunar landers for upcoming missions, including Elon Musk’s SpaceX, Jeff Bezos’ Blue Origin, and – in the biggest surprise – Ollie’s Bargain Outlet.

Alaska’s largest hospital said they’re implement new crisis care protocols due to overwhelming COVID cases, saying all the ventilators running at once are melting the ICU’s.

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The United States Senate acquitted Donald Trump in his impeachment trial. Trump issued a statement calling the decision a complete and total exoneration of banging Stormy Daniels and that Playmate.

Yum Brands – owner of Taco Bell, KFC & Pizza Hut – warned their 2020 results would be impacted by the Wuhan coronavirus. Yum has also halted the rollout of Stuffed Crust Wolf Lovers pizza, Wolf Chalupas, and Famous Wolf Bowls.

Google Maps is getting a redesign, making it easier to accept faster routes that save you 45 seconds by routing you through unfamiliar crime-riddled streets.

February 6th marks the first day of new federal regulations restricting sales of flavored vape pods and eliminating the marketing of vapes to minors. Disney Channel announced they’ll no longer air the episode ‘Handy Manny’s Mango Juul Break’.

Website BroadbandNow released its annual ranking of states where it’s easiest and hardest to get high-speed internet access for $60/month or less. Hawaii was ranked easiest, Alaska was ranked hardest, and Mississippi didn’t participate because who has $60 to throw around?!

Coca-Cola started aggressive marketing for its new Coke Energy drinks, for people who crave the unmistakable original Coke taste and an irregular heartbeat.

Google filed an application with the U.S. Patent & Trademark Office for an operating system it’s calling ‘Pigweed’. The Trump Administration seeks to block it, saying that’s the name they already registered for Nancy Pelosi.

Nike plans a summer 2020 release of its controversial Air Zoom Alphafly NEXT running shoe. The shoe was worn by Kenyan Eliud Kipchoge when he broke the two-hour marathon barrier, and will be worn by thousands hoping to break the ten-minute barrier waiting in line at Starbucks.

After proposing marriage to his dead wife’s maid of honor on the Dr Oz show, Dog the Bounty Hunter celebrated his birthday at Benihana with friends and family. The Asian servers serenaded Dog with ‘Happy Birthday’ and ‘No I Don’t Want To Marry You’.

Peloton stock price dropped 12%, as executives reported more Peloton Wives gaining 10% and dropping husbands.