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Donald Trump’s former CFO Allen Weisselberg was sentenced to five months in jail for lying about the value of Trump’s property. He’ll serve the sentence in a 10×10 cell at Rikers Island, which he values at $5 million dollars and 2,000 square feet.

Arizona’s Supreme Court upheld an abortion law drafted in 1864, which calls for a near total ban on abortion, and jail time for any blacksmith or General Store clerk who performs one.

Two suspects stole pallets of meat from a refrigerated truck in Northeast Philadelphia. Undercover cops are hoping to learn more about the operation once they get invited to the cookout.

The Environmental Protection Agency announced its first-ever regulations for “forever chemicals’ found in public tap water. All municipalities must test their water and grade it on a scale ranging from ‘clean’ to ‘Flint Michigan’.

Gypsy Rose Blanchard, paroled for the murder of her abusive mother, got a nose job. Blanchard said the parole board told her to keep her nose clean, but they didn’t say anything about changing it.

Travis Kelce said on his podcast that he’s “having a blast” with Taylor Swift and “doesn’t know” how he got her interested in sports. Listeners speculate that she’s in to sports now because Travis plays a professional sport and she’s having sex with him.

The FCC is requiring internet providers to provide ‘nutrition labels’ that spell out specifics on pricing, download/upload speeds, and fees – and for Comcast/Xfinity, the amount of time on hold each month waiting for customer service.

Dating app Bumble is evaluating its ‘women make the first move’ strategy, possibly changing to ‘women decide who makes the first move’. Men are confused about what it means, which Bumble feels better represents men’s struggle to figure out what the hell women want.

Insurance companies are reportedly using drones to fly over houses and denying coverage to homeowners based on what they see, such as trampolines and six-foot-deep holes in the ground.

Friends of country singer Morgan Wallen say his arrest for throwing a chair off of a Nashville roof is evidence of a “drinking problem”. While other friends defended Wallen, saying the real problem is the bar needs “heavier chairs”.

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Donald Trump’s allies launched a new social media app, GETTR, to promote discussions free of cancel culture and liberal bias. Those eager to see it fail are already waiting to say “GETTR done”.

The NFL fined the Washington Football Team $10 million for creating a hostile workplace culture. Owner Daniel Snyder said he was stepping away from day-to-day operations, as the embarrassment left his skin red.

Trump Organization CFO Allen Weisselberg’s fraud charges include using company funds to pay for his grandson’s school tuition. Only he was so dumb, the payments were made to Trump University.

Wally Funk, an 82-year-old woman and former NASA astronaut-in-training, will join Amazon founder Jeff Bezos, his brother Mark, and someone who paid $28 million, on the inaugural Blue Origin space flight. “So, anybody know what they’re doing?” they’ll ask each other during countdown.

A Boeing 737 cargo jet was forced to land in the ocean near Honolulu after experiencing engine failure. Customers who got emails saying “Great News! Your shipment is on the way!”..received follow-up emails, “Not-So-Great News!…”

Actress Raven Symone said her wife is the one to be thanked for Symone’s 30-pound weight loss, calling her “a terrible cook”.

Amber Heard, Johnny Depp’s ex-wife, is now the mother of a baby girl. Heard, who infamously pooped in Depp’s bed, said her baby is already pooping in hers.

The woman who held up a sign and allegedly caused a multi-bike crash at the Tour de France has been arrested. She was ordered to pay for all of the Band Aids needed to fix the boo-boos of the impacted cyclists.

The head of Instagram said it’s “no longer a photo-sharing app”. “Coulda fooled me” said millions of creeps ogling women.

West Nile virus has been found in mosquitoes in Washington state. But since the temperatures in Washington have reached 100 degrees, the bugs plan to return to the actual West Nile in Africa, where it’s cooler.

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TikTok removed 7 million accounts of underage users. “TikTok sucks” said pedophiles.

A boy was bitten by a shark at a Boy Scout camp near Catalina Island, California. The boy is recovering, and the shark received its Biting Children merit badge.

Trump Organization Chief Financial Officer Allen Weisselberg was indicted on tax evasion charges. As evidence, the New York District Attorney submitted Weisselberg’s resume, where in the Skills section he listed Tax Evasion.

Joe Biden is expected is to meet with rescue teams at the fallen Champlain Towers condo building in Miami, then he’ll meet with EMTs to fix whatever happens to him as he walks across the rubble.

China’s President Xi Jinping said that those who attempt to bully China will face “broken heads and bloodshed” – in what’s being called “the weirdest anti-bullying speech ever”.

Conservative commenter Meghan McCain is leaving ‘The View’. ABC executives reportedly begged her to stay, saying their effort to find another entitled conservative blowhard could be as difficult as asking for Ivanka Trump’s phone number.

85 children and staffers contracted COVID-19 at a summer camp that didn’t require masks or check vaccine status. Officials indefinitely postponed Color War at Camp Delta Variant.

TikTok is expanding video length to three minutes. Now you can watch baby boomers cringeworthy videos, then see them take two minutes figuring out how to end it.

Bill Cosby was released from prison due to a legal technicality. Cosby’s lawyers then spent the rest of the day fielding 50 calls from Harvey Weinstein.

The Los Angeles Police Bomb Squad detonated 5,000 pounds of illegal fireworks in a so-called “containment truck”, which blew up the truck. Now they have to find a new truck to blow up in the July 4th parade.