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Anheuser-Busch halted beer production at a Georgia plant to stockpile canned drinking water to ship to Houston for Harvey victims. Coors just sent thousands of cases of Coors Light and dared the people of Houston to tell it from the drinking water.

  • Anheuser-Busch is also putting the drinking water in kegs for Houston area college fraternities.

Domino’s is testing driverless pizza delivery. The custom Ford Fusion brings the pizza to your house, and blocks your driveway until you tip it.

Coldplay, performing in Miami, wrote and performed a tribute song to Hurricane Harvey flood victims simply called ‘Houston’. Frontman Chris Martin said the song would never be played again, delighting music lovers both in Houston and everywhere else.

United Airlines has suspended all flights out of Houston’s Hobby airport during Harvey flooding, but said it hopes to resume some flights on Thursday. “You couldn’t drag us out of Houston”, said a spokesperson.

At 49 inches of rain and climbing, Hurricane Harvey has set a continental U.S. rainfall record, drawing praise from President Trump for Harvey’s impressive margin of victory over other hurricanes.

A State of North Carolina study revealed that workers save more for retirement when they receive work emails telling them to save. The study found that the employees appreciated the savings-related emails more than the ones they get telling them to work.

Televangelist Joel Osteen responded to criticism over failure to open his Lakewood Church to flood victims during Hurricane Harvey. Osteen said that the church is now open, via a conference call from aboard his private jet.

A judge dismissed Sarah Palin’s defamation lawsuit against the New York Times. Palin expressed disappointment and promised to be vigilant in suing other newspapers that she will never read.

Uber’s Board of Directors picked Expedia exec Dara Khosrowshahi to be its new CEO. Uber has yet to make an official announcement, although they can see Khosrowshahi is just a few minutes away.

Rupert Murdoch announced that he’s pulling Fox News off the air in Britain, after the conservative-leaning channel failed to find an audience, even after rebranding it Fox, Hound, Bull & Boar News.

Apple showed off some of its new Augmented Reality Apps, including one that simulates dropping your iPhone on the street without breaking it.

  • Apple gave a $89 Million stock payout to CEO Tim Cook, who will star in his own augmented reality app to see how it feels to be poor.

 

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Tourists were stranded on the Greek island of Zante for two days due to a travel curfew imposed while endangered Loggerhead turtles were mating. The delay could have been shortened, but the turtles had trouble finishing with so many angry tourists watching.

The National Football League is considering relaxing its rules on marijuana use, to see if it may help players with pain management. Coaches object, worried their players will fall in with a bad crowd and stop studying.

President Trump introduced a proposed new immigration policy, aimed to prioritize entry to the U.S. for those who speak English and who are financially secure. He predicts the policy will attract many, many more well-spoken, affluent terrorists.

Trump was contradicted by Boy Scouts of America officials after Trump had bragged that he’d heard from the Scouts about his Jamboree speech, complimenting it as one of the best they’d ever heard. The Scouts said they never called, but Trump doubled down, saying the caller was “Timmy something.”

A Sports Illustrated profile on Trump had the President quoted as saying he spends so much time at his golf resorts because The White House is a ‘real dump’. A profile of Melania quotes her as saying she spends so much time away from her husband because he’s a ‘real dumpster’.

A recent wave of violent crime has threatened tourism in Cancun Mexico. Local officials said that tourists who remain at their resort destinations should be just fine, with the possible exception of Sandals El Chapo.

Police seized 5 pounds of methamphetamine from two men at a McDonald’s drive-thru in Australia. McDonald’s was forced to suspend sales of its special limited-time Quarter Pounder with Crank.

District of Columbia has joined Oregon in offering gender-neutral drivers licenses. Officers there have been trained to ask “Do you know why I pulled you over, ..person?”

Iowa’s Department of Alcoholic Beverages has warned against serving Moscow Mules in the traditional copper mug, because drinks with a pH below 6.0 can create a toxic interaction with the copper, and because in Iowa the drinks are served with bits of real mule.

Apple has accumulated record cash holdings of almost $260 Billion, leading to speculation that it may buy Disney Corporation, or at least pimp out Minnie & Mickey.

  • The company’s enormous cash position was announced by CEO Tim Cook at Apple’s quarterly Money Bonfire.

 

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Claire Smith will be inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame, the first woman to receive the prestigious Spink Award for baseball writing. MLB Commissioner Rob Manfred congratulated her and said he can’t wait to see her bronze bust in the Hall.

Tobacco stocks dropped sharply as the FDA announced its goal of making tobacco products less addictive by reducing the nicotine in them. The Marlboro Man reacted to the news by announcing he’s switching to heroin.

President Trump traveled to Long Island to address the local and national impacts of ruthless street gang MS-13. Trump was briefed on gang culture en route with an inflight showing of West Side Story.

  • The President shut it off after the big “America” song & dance number, and switched to Property Brothers for the remainder of the trip.

Trump told the Long Island audience he would destroy MS-13, leading Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi to inquire with the gang about being duked in.

MS-13 gang membership continues to grow, as global economies struggle, and as the gang continues to offer top-tier health care.

Attorney General Jeff Sessions was in El Salvador to talk with officials there about halting MS-13 migration and crime in the U.S. His efforts fells short, as several gang leaders traveled back to the U.S. with Sessions while disguised as male flight attendants.

Sessions addressed Trump’s mean tweets directed at him, calling him “weak” and “beleaguered”, saying they were “kind of hurtful”. This, on the same day White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci called Chief of Staff Reince Priebus “a paranoid schizophrenic” and said Senior Policy Advisor Steve Bannon “suck[s] his own [penis].” White House Press Secretary Sarah Sanders announced the opening of a Hallmark Store in the West Wing, where staffers could buy cards to make amends for the terrible things they’re saying to each other.

Senator John McCain cast the deciding vote just after 1a.m. to send the GOP “Skinny Repeal” Health Care Bill to a 51-49 defeat. Women’s activists too issue with the characterization of McCain as hero, since Senators Susan Collins and Lisa Murkowski opposed the bill and its introduction to the floor. Male senators moved in to mansplain why women shouldn’t feel so bad.

The Emoji Movie opened Friday to brutal reviews, receiving just one Fresh review and a 3% Fresh rating on RottenTomatoes. Voice actors include TJ Miller, Maya Rudolph, and Patrick Stewart as Poop. It’s the second time Stewart has voiced Poop, following his continued work on American Dad.

Baltimore Ravens offensive lineman John Urschel retired from the NFL at age 26 to pursue his Ph.D. at MIT. His teammates wished him well, but said they’ll continue to play and get their Ph.D. in CTE.

Apple officially killed off the iPod Nano and Shuffle – but tell that to your cheapskate parents, who think they’re still perfectly good.

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President Trump banned transgender Americans from serving in the military. E! Network announced it’s scrapping plans for a new reality series, ‘Colonel Caitlyn’.

No word yet on how Defense Secretary James Mattis will handle the thousands of transgender enlisted personnel, though some say he’s in favor of giving them all an Honorable Red Carpet Discharge.

Senator John McCain slammed Trump’s use of Twitter to make major policy announcements, saying that’s what National Boy Scout Jamboree speeches are for.

White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told a radio show that he will stop his office from leaking to the press, and that his staff needs to stop acting like “Mean Girls”. Meanwhile, Donald ‘Regina George’ Trump took to Twitter to burn Jeff Sessions to “stop trying to make Russia happen”.

  • Scaramucci already fired one staffer, and rumors are flying that Press Secretary Sarah Huckabee Sanders may soon be gone from The Plastics.

President Trump and Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker are set to announce that Apple partner Foxconn will open Apple assembly plants in Wisconsin. The plants are expected to lift the state economy — Foxconn has already scheduled Job Fairs for local 12 and 13-year olds.

Adobe said that it’s killing the Adobe Flash plug-in by 2020, giving your grandparents ample time to find another reason why their darn computer isn’t working.

Britain announced that it will phase out all gasoline and diesel cars in 2040. The world awaits the clever term they’ll use for ‘electric’ the way they use ‘petrol’ for gas.

The Pentagon is under fire for blowing $28 million on ‘woodland’ camouflage for Afghani soldiers, when just 2% of the terrain is woodlands, and many other free camo patterns were available. The Defense Department acknowledged the error, saying soldiers should have received camouflage that looked like blown-up buildings.

Lyft is trialing ‘Taco Mode’ in California – in which a driver will show up and whisk a rider to the nearest Taco Bell. The rider can then choose a ride back home or to the nearest hospital.

  • Pending a successful trial, Lyft has already readied “Fry Mode” for McDonald’s, “Frosty Mode” for Wendy’s, and “Suicide Mode” for Arby’s.

Atlanta Falcon Julio Jones hired a dive team to find a $150,000 earring he lost while riding a Jet Ski in Georgia’s Lake Lanier. The divers failed to find the earring, citing the darkness at the lake’s bottom and all of the corpses in their way.

A California man was arrested for smuggling exotic animals when U.S. Customs intercepted a shipment to his house from Hong Kong, containing King Cobras packed in cans of potato chips. Additionally several U.S. Customs agents were treated for snake bites and suspended for stealing potato chips.

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Apple unveiled its latest round of new emoji, including a breastfeeding mom and a woman in a headscarf. Mike Pence’s wife Karen immediately took away his iPhone.

  • Other additions include a “mind blown” face, and a face spewing green vomit, part of the “Make America Great Again” emoji bundle.

This week is “Made In America” week as declared by President Trump, with all states sending items to The White House that were made in that state. Georgia sent food from Chick Fil A, and Arizona sent golf clubs from PING Golf – at which point the President told all the remaining states not to bother.

  • New York and the District of Columbia sent their latest creations – fact-based stories from the New York Times and Washington Post about Trump & Russia.

Over the weekend, Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau met a 2 month old baby, born to Syrian refugees living in Canada, named Justin-Trudeau Adam Bilau, as he attended a rodeo in Calgary. Meanwhile last June, Donald Trump met a 39 year old baby named Donald Trump Jr, born to one of his ex-wives, right after he conferenced with Russian operatives in New York.

President Trump’s overall job approval rating dropped to 38%, the lowest of any President six months in to his term recorded in the last hundred years. Trump criticized the poll and said he was waiting for Nielsen ratings.

Subway announced they’re looking to freshen up the appearance of their stores to help halt declining sales. Subway’s CEO said that they require franchisees to update their facilities every 7 to 10 years, and update their meat & rolls every 10 to 15 years.

O.J. Simpson’s parole hearing is scheduled for this Thursday. If granted, O.J. is eligible for release on October 1st, and available for cameos in Adam Sandler movies on October 2nd.

A stunt man fell to his death on the set of The Walking Dead. He was recast an hour later as an extra.

Honda released its newly-redesigned 2018 Honda Accord sedan. “Cool!” said your Dad.

A million dollars worth of marijuana was found in spare tire compartments of Ford Fusions assembled in Mexico. The DEA is investigating, but meanwhile Ford is reporting record sales of the Fusion Special El Chapo Edition.

Ed Sheeran made a cameo appearance on the season premiere of Game of Thrones, playing a soldier leading other soldiers in a singalong…until a guy came along and changed the station to a different group of soldiers.