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The Centers for Disease Control is recommending older Americans stay home whenever possible to keep from catching coronavirus. Netflix reportedly paid $80 million to acquire one year’s worth of broadcast rights to ‘Matlock’.

The NBA issued a coronavirus memo to teams saying they should prepare to play games without fans. NBA players wanting to know what it’s like playing in front of no fans are asking WNBA players.

Melania Trump criticized those who made fun of her posting photos overseeing the new White House tennis pavilion. She’s moved on to overseeing hiring the new White House tennis pro, via a series of interviews in her bedroom.

Plus-sized supermodel Ashley Graham recognized International Women’s Day by posting a photo of herself during the birth of her son in January. She said it was the most challenging and amazing thing she’s ever done – losing ten pounds in a day.

IKEA, which closed all 30 of its stores in China amidst the coronavirus outbreak, reopened 14 of them and debuted a new slogan: “If the virus doesn’t kill you, neither will assembling a dresser.”

Cruise passengers stuck on the Carnival Panorama for an extra day finally disembarked in Long Beach. They said the extra time was a minor inconvenience, and that they stayed entertained watching reigning cruise champion norovirus battle coronavirus.

Spring Break destinations popular with college students are said to be monitoring the spread of viral disease, although some people are happy the herpes virus will have some company this year.

Harvey Weinstein, imprisoned at Rikers Island awaiting sentencing for a rape conviction, reportedly hit his head in a fall. Weinstein is not permitted to use a walker, or a stunt double

XFL officials said game attendance is holding steady – and by that they mean all of the players are still showing up.

Donald Trump and Mike Pence will not attend the Congressional St. Patrick’s Day lunch, the first time since its inception that neither the president or vice-president will attend. A White House spokesman cited event host Nancy Pelosi’s impeachment actions, and the absence of Shamrock Shakes on the menu.

 

 

 

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Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson married Lauren Hashian. On their wedding night, Hashian sported a huge Rock on her finger.

The Governor of Nairobi, speaking at the funeral of his 41-year-old friend, outed the deceased friend for fathering an illegitimate child with a fellow politician. Several high-school teachers asked that the Governor not give the graduation speech at their schools.

Apple CEO Tim Cook reportedly met with President Trump to explain the damage caused by import tariffs. Cook called the meeting productive, and said it had been a while since he put on a puppet show.

A new study claims that having children will make you happier, but only after they’ve left your home. Unfortunately, the study also found that the joy comes when the kids leave on their own, you can’t just kick ’em out for happiness’ sake.

Nike said they’ll continue to pay sponsored women athletes when they become pregnant. However, WNBA coaches said they might limit their minutes.

A senator is reintroducing the School Bus Safety Act, requiring seat belts on school buses. The legislation is supported by parents rights groups, and by bullies, who say the seat belts keep weak students in place so their lunch money can be stolen.

A minor league baseball team in Montana had to cancel games because of damage to the field caused by a Mumford & Sons concert – the first time a boring game had to be cancelled because of even-more-boring music.

A former employee is suing Whole Foods, saying he was bitten by a black widow spider in the produce cooler. Whole Foods is also being sued by the spider, who claims the man she bit wasn’t really GMO and hormone free.

Microsoft introduced SMS Organizer, a new messaging app to help organize text messages and provide a new source of harvesting and selling personal information.

Pregnant plus-sized model Ashley Graham shared an Instagram photo of her “real body”, highlighting folds of midriff fat and stretch marks. “See honey, didn’t I say you could be a model!” said men about to get punched after showing the pic to their wives.

 

 

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A tourist from London visiting the Jersey Shore was impaled in her lower leg by a flying beach umbrella. When New Jerseyans heard a woman was impaled, they offered her sunscreen.

  • After her bleeding was stopped, the woman was rushed to the Jersey Shore Critical Care Center – which is a casino nurse’s office where they take old people whose oxygen tanks run out while they’re playing slots.

Skytrax’ World Airline Awards named Singapore Airlines the best in the world. “Well, then let’s take them to see the grandkids in Louisiana!” said an old man in Arkansas who doesn’t understand how airlines work.

President Trump attempted to walk back his press conference remarks about Russian election meddling, stating he meant to say “I don’t see any reason why it wouldn’t be Russia” but instead he said ‘would’.  He compared it to 2005, when he told Melania he would be banging a porn star at a golf tournament when he meant to say wouldn’t.

Instagram user @magbody mistakenly congratulated plus-size supermodel Ashley Graham on her ‘baby bump’, when Graham isn’t pregnant. Graham replied that the bump was fat, and @magbody told Graham to stop saying her unborn baby is fat.

Florida’s coastal seaweed bloom could be the worst in history – hurting beach tourism, smothering sea turtle hatchlings and emitting a horrible odor. Wildlife officials have a plan in place to get rid of it, they’re just waiting for a big enough sinkhole to throw it in.

A woman who believed that her doctor touched her inappropriately during an office visit set up a hidden camera on her next visit. She showed the video to police and Dr. James Dyess, 57, was charged with sexual battery. Dyess was taken into custody and asked for a copy of the video.

A new study in Journal of Psychological Science claims 40 percent of people have a “first memory” that is fictional. Scientists claim that most first memories date from 3 years of age or older, and urge parents to stop blowing money taking 2-year-olds to Disney World.

Google announced that Nest home security products CEO Marwan Fawaz is leaving the company, as Nest products are moved under the Google Home Division. Google said Fawaz isn’t leaving the Nest, the Nest is leaving him.

Apple unveiled 70 new emojis to mark World Emoji Day on Tuesday – including new redheads, bald heads, and an expression to show how much harder it is to find the emoji you want.

A Florida woman was arrested after her pet spider monkey, ‘Spanky’, was accused of attacking Home Depot employees.  The Home Depot worker claims the monkey jumped from a shopping cart and grabbed him, leaving marks on his neck. Spanky claims the worker purposely sold him the wrong socket wrench.