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Sources report new flaws in grounded Boeing 737 Max jetliners, even after software updates. Boeing hoped new software, coupled with shutting the jet off, waiting a minute, then turning it on again, would correct all issues.

President Trump invited the U.S. Women’s National Soccer Team to the White House, ‘win or lose’, after they finish the World Cup.  Trump figures it’s cheaper to buy fast food for a dozen women soccer players than for a whole men’s college or pro football team.

Kim Kardashian is accused of cultural appropriation for naming a new line of shapewear ‘Kimono’. Women of Japanese heritage are angry, since a kimono is a traditional formal robe – and since almost none of them have butts big enough to need Kim’s Kimono.

A 40-year-old Jane Doe plaintiff sued the Church of Scientology for kidnapping, stalking, human trafficking, false imprisonment, libel, slander, invasion of privacy and intentional infliction of emotional distress. Said a Scientology spokesperson.. “that’s it?”

The Chicago cocktail lounge employee who spit on Eric Trump is being placed on leave to improve her aim.

The National Rifle Association shut down their 24-hour streaming channel, NRATV – upsetting children who found the last place they could still watch cartoon characters shoot each other.

Arby’s shared photos of “Megetables” – meat molded in the shape of vegetables. They added Megetables are a joke and won’t be sold in stores – unlike their mauve-colored roast beef, which is also something of a joke, and is sold in stores.

A woman was arrested for attempting to kidnap two small children at the Atlanta airport. She told investigators she just wanted to use them to board her flight early.

The first of two Democratic Presidential debates aired Wednesday night – leading to record high ratings of Big Bang Theory reruns and baseball games.

General Mills shares dropped, as company execs stated customers will splurge on snack treats for their pets, but not for themselves. To boost snack revenues, General Mills plans to introduce new Pupperoni for People.

 

 

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Pillsbury is recalling bread flour for possible e.coli contamination. If you press the Doughboy’s stomach on an affected bag, he’ll giggle, then vomit and shit himself.

Gloria Vanderbilt died at age 95. Hundreds of mourners are expected at the funeral to see which outfit she would be caught dead in.

  • Vanderbilt’s calling hours will feature her being pushed down a funeral home runway every five minutes showing off pieces from her Fall Collection.

Boeing officially apologized to families of victims who died in 737 MAX aircraft crashes. In turn, families turned on the ‘You’re Getting Sued’ sign.

Two people were shot at the Toronto Raptors victory parade. NBA officials took several minutes reviewing video to decide if the shots were two-or-three pointers.

Author Suzanne Collins announced the 2020 release of a prequel novel to The Hunger Games series, entitled Let’s Eat, Katniss!

A new NYU study claims life expectancy in large cities like Chicago could vary by as much as 30 years depending on your zip code. In a related story, Chicago’s criminal gangs  successfully applied to get their own zip codes.

Harvard and Japanese scientists are claiming a breakthrough in anti-cancer drug development, synthesizing compounds from sea sponges. Cancer sucks, but the sponges suck cancers.

A Maryland woman whose husband died at a Dominican Republic resort says officials there recommended his cremation. Officials denied trying to hide the cause of death, they just said cremation was covered in the price of the all-inclusive resort.

Cardi B split the seat of her jumpsuit twerking onstage at Bonnaroo music festival. Tailors around the world agreed it was far too much to ask of a single stitch.

Wildwood, New Jersey plays host to the National Marbles Championship. The winners receive scholarships and the honor of being the only people vacationing in Wildwood, NJ not to lose their marbles.

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A Delaware school district is banning fast food deliveries to high schools from services like GrubHub. They say the deliveries are disruptive, and that too many of the students ordering the food recognize recent honors graduates delivering it.

An avid skydiver died in suburban Philadelphia when his main parachute malfunctioned, and his emergency chute deployed too late. A makeshift memorial popped up where he landed, with mourners placing flowers and stuffed animals in the crater.

President Trump reportedly demanded the resignation of the longtime Director of the Secret Service. The Director insisted that Secret Service is a security detail, not secret service of McDonald’s late-night menu.

Upgrades to Boeing’s 737 MAX jets are taking longer than expected. New software is expected to be deployed to all aircraft, but needs to be tweaked to stop asking pilots midflight “Are you ready to upgrade now?”

‘Smallville’ actress Allison Mack plead guilty to extortion and forced labor related to the Nxivm sex trafficking case. Mack faces up to 40 years in jail at sentencing, and agreed to be barred from prison visits by Lex Luthor.

Physicists discovered a new phase of matter that can be both solid and liquid at the same time. The discovery was made when one of the physicists became ill eating the macaroni and cheese at Old Country Buffet.

Scarlett Johansson was taken to a Los Angeles police station after being overpowered by paparazzi outside of the ‘Jimmy Kimmel Live’ studios. The incident fueled existing fanboy theories that Black Widow is like, totally, the weakest of the Avengers.

A Philadelphia Phillies fan is now chugging a beer out of his boot every time Phillie Rhys Hoskins hits a home run. Hoskins hit two home runs Monday night, so the habit is expensive, and more difficult now that the Bud Light has eaten through the boot leather.

Johnny “Johnny Football” Manziel announced that he wants to go by John. Manziel hopes to move away from the Johnny Football moniker to his new identity, John Barista.

New York City declared a health emergency over a measles outbreak in an Orthodox Jewish section of Brooklyn. 285 cases of measles have been documented, with many families unvaccinated because “what am I? on vacation here? I’m busy!”

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President Trump promised the Republican Party will be ‘the party of health care’, after spending the last two years making everyone sick.

A South Carolina woman was arrested after a pack of dogs escaped from her home and attacked a 76-year-old woman attending a funeral. The woman survived, and the dogs did not bring flowers.

Media companies filed a motion to release massage parlor videos of Robert Kraft as public records. Companies include Florida newspapers, The New York Times and ESPN. Absent from the list – Pornhub – saying “none of our members want to see that.”

Boeing held a test of the updated software deployed to improve safety of its 737 MAX aircraft. The aircraft with updated software performed well. Boeing mourned the loss of the crew assigned to demo the ‘before’ plane without the software upgrade.

Viral video circulated of mice running around in the food court of the King of Prussia Mall in the Philadelphia suburbs. Health inspectors didn’t know which restaurant the mice came from, but since they addressed diners as ‘Sir’ and ‘Ma’am’, they concluded it was Chick-fil-A.

Justin Bieber said he’s taking a break from making music because of some ‘deep rooted issues’. No specifics were given, but it’s believed to be deeply rooted in the fact that he doesn’t have any songs, and his fan base of 12-year-olds grew up & left him.

6,227 pedestrians died in traffic accidents in 2018, the highest number in 30 years. Police blame distracted drivers. Drivers blame pedestrians that need to hurry the hell up.

Disneyland officials say they plan to control crowds at the new Star Wars land when it opens on May 31 by not allowing anyone in without a reservation. “These people have a reservation” says an Obi Wan Kenobi lookalike, who’s been bribed, to a ticket-taker.

A New Jersey man plead guilty to defrauding the U.S. Postal Service out of $1.5 million in postage. His mother is angry that, even with all those free stamps, he couldn’t send Christmas or birthday cards.

Iceland based discount airline WOW Air ceased operations, stranding passengers across the globe. Spirit Airlines offered discounted fares to help passengers get home, so long as they didn’t mind riding with livestock. In coach.

 

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New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski announced his retirement. Gronkowski said he intends to start a think tank, then corrected himself and said he thinks he’ll get tanked.

People with mental health issues are three times more likely to have crippling debt, according to new research conducted by their $200-an-hour shrinks.

Special Counsel Robert Mueller completed his investigation, finding no cooperation between the 2016 Trump presidential campaign and Russia. Russia agreed, saying their work would have been too hard if they had to keep explaining what they were doing to members of the Trump family.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft issued a public apology for the sex at a Florida massage parlor to which he’s plead not guilty, — so who knows what, exactly, he’s apologizing for.

  • Florida police say they have video of Kraft performing a sex act with a massage parlor worker, having installed hidden cameras after attending a how-to seminar run by the New England Patriots video staff.

A Houston, Texas woman gave birth to three sets of twins in nine minutes, crediting the use of fertility drugs and the world’s first delivery room slip n’ slide.

Nikki Bella is retiring from the WWE, saying her body just can’t handle the punishment anymore. Bella had thought her body would recover once she stopped having sex with John Cena.

A drunk American Airlines passenger was arrested for urinating on a woman’s luggage during a Chicago-to-Charlotte flight. Fellow passengers were disgusted, but impressed with the stream that easily reached the overhead bin.

Ethiopia Airlines CEO said the pilots involved in the fatal crash of a Boeing 737 MAX 8 jet received the proper training. He didn’t say they passed it, but they got it.

Jordan Peele’s new horror film ‘Us’ debuted to $70.3 million in U.S. ticket sales, including $25 from two white ‘bro’s going out of their way to tell you how much it sucked.

Researchers reviewing the grade point averages of Florida school students found children born in September were the smartest. The study was completed over the course of several years as researchers tracked down enough Florida students that finished school.

 

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New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft filed a motion to prevent the release of surveillance video of him engaged in sex acts in a Florida massage parlor. Meanwhile, after further review, the NFL replay official confirmed holding below the waist.

The two Boeing 737 MAX 8 jets operated by Lion Air and Ethiopian Airlines, each involved in fatal crashes, were sold without optional safety features that let pilots see the plane was in danger. The feature is called a “windshield”.

Arnold Schwarzenegger and Fox News’ Brian Kilmeade both called for President Trump to stop his insults of deceased Senator John McCain. Trump said he’s only counterpunching insults he hears from McCain during Executive Time.

Lori Loughlin’s daughter, Olivia Jade Giannulli, reportedly didn’t fill out her own college applications. Forensics experts reached the conclusion when verifying her signatures on the applications, where none of the ‘i’s were dotted with hearts or smiley faces.

A 10-foot long alligator was spotted swimming in water behind a woman’s home in Cape Coral, Florida. April is alligator ‘courtship’ season, where they search for partners prior to the May mating season. The woman said she’d like to get to know the gator better before making that commitment.

A new study finds strawberries, spinach and kale contain the highest levels of pesticide residue. Consumers intend to keep eating strawberries, and use the study as a lifelong rationale for not eating the other two.

Costco shoppers in California are posting photos of giant, 2-to-7 pound lobster claws being sold there. Back in the ocean, giant clawless lobsters are getting their tails kicked.

Excessively hot tea is being linked to esophageal cancer. A study followed 50,000 tea drinkers in a remote province of Iran and found nearly 400 had developed cancer. Critics point out that Iranian tea is made by steeping tobacco leaves in boiling puddle water.

Olive Garden posted a solid jump in sales. They attribute the growth to emphasizing classic Italian dishes, which they’ve always avoided making.

The United Nations released their annual ranking of 156 countries based on levels of ‘happiness’. The United States’ happiness ranking fell for the third straight year, and now sits at #19.  “Take that!” said 18th ranked Syria.

 

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Lori Loughlin has been dropped by all Hallmark Channel productions following her arrest in a college admissions cheating & bribery scandal. “Ch-CHING!!” said Valerie Bertinelli’s agent.

The U.S. Senate blocked a resolution to make the entirety of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report public, but will consider a different resolution to convert the thousands of pages to Cliff Notes.

Actress and mom Keira Knightley said during her appearance on The Tonight Show that the children’s animated show ‘Paw Patrol’ is like “toddler crack”. Knightley faces a lawsuit from the makers of fortified juice box Toddler Crack.

Stanford University examined almost 100 million state & city police traffic stops from 2011 to 2017 and found black & latino drivers were more likely to be stopped and searched. Attractive women were more likely to be stopped and engaged in awkward conversation.

Butterball recalled 80,000 pounds of ground turkey after five people were sickened with salmonella, but it’s still full speed ahead for Chipotle’s new turkey gobbler burrito bowl.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will play a live show at Egypt’s legendary pyramids in Giza. The show is expected to draw a huge crowd of the group’s most loyal longtime fans – local mummies.

The Masked Singer champion, rapper T-Pain, told the crowd at the iHeartRadio Music Awards that when he first met Taylor Swift, he “headbutted” her boobs. T-Pain then signed on for Fox’s new celebrity storytelling competition, The Unmasked Pervert.

Britain’s Thomas Cook Airlines announced they’ll sell a row of three economy seats that can be converted into a bed, for somewhat-affluent creeps who want to grope other passengers or themselves while lying down.

At an employee-only event, Boeing debuted the world’s longest jumbo-jet, the 777X. Because of controversy over grounding of its 737 MAX jets, Boeing didn’t want to make a big splash with the 777 – at least not until a carrier tries flying one across an ocean.

Some U.S. airlines are discontinuing flights to Venezuela in the wake of that country’s civil turmoil.  Affected tour companies are refunding tickets to everyone who purchased a Electronic Blackout & Starvation spring break getaway.

 

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Guinness Book of World Records recognized Kane Tanaka, a 116-year-old Japanese woman, as the World’s Oldest Living Person. Asked what part of her life she enjoyed most, Tanaka replied “This right now” adding, “the 1930s”.

China is reportedly banning minors appearing in livestream Internet videos. This, despite the surging popularity of “unboxing” videos featuring Chinese children opening their employment offers from Apple.

The son of a Missouri City, Texas donut shop owner tweeted a photo of his father along with “My dad is sad because no one is coming to his new donut shop.” His message was retweeted 202,000 times – 201,000 of those were from the Missouri City Police Dept.

Justin Bieber asked for fans prayers after revealing on social media that he’s been “struggling a lot”. Bieber’s most loyal fans then dropped what they were doing and asked God to get him a divorce.

Actress Brie Larson dressed up in a Captain Marvel sweatsuit to greet fans at an AMC movie theater in Clifton, New Jersey. She even sold sodas and popcorn, but disappointed dozens of New Jersey women who just wanted to buy the sweatsuit.

President Trump denied calling Apple CEO Tim Cook “Tim Apple”, despite video confirming it.  Trump then announced he will enlist the Space Force to thwart the restarted nuclear efforts of Kim Korea, which he believes is being secretly funded by billionaire tech founder Sergei Google.

Boeing stock fell sharply following the second fatal crash involving a less-than-a-year-old 737 MAX jetliner flown by Ethiopia Airlines. Also falling sharply – 737 MAX jetliners.

Tesla announced improvements to their supercharging stations, saying they’ll be able to charge vehicles in a fraction of the time. The news was welcomed by Tesla owners, saying it frees up time for them to brag about their cars and sleep behind the wheel on autopilot.

A Birmingham City soccer fan ran onto the playing field and sucker-punched an opposing player from Aston Villa during the match. Officials with Birmingham City said they’ll be making modifications to future “Meet The Players Night”.

Toyota filed a patent application for a “vehicle fragrance dispenser system”, which would dispense tear gas if the car was stolen, or dispense it only to passengers if they break their promise to hold it in on the ride home from dinner.