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President Trump made history as the first U.S. President to set foot in North Korea, then promptly blew it by asking for his dry cleaning.

Observers questioned where North Korean leader Kim Jong Un acquired a Rolls Royce limousine. He claims it was a reward for straight-As in every class he ever took, but privately everyone assumes he assassinated the guy who used to own it.

Taylor Swift published a scathing Tumblr post over her music catalogue being acquired by music industry mogul & talent manager Scooter Braun. The public is hoping Braun will do the right thing and burn all of it.

Meghan Markle attended the Yankees/Red Sox series in London, and gave all of the players ceremonial baseballs with her phone number written on them.

The Buffalo Bills are selling pieces of artifical turf recently removed from their home at New Era Field. They make the perfect gift for someone you hope never has anything good happen to them.

Facebook, AirBNB and Google all have policies forbidding employees from asking another employee on a date twice. So it’s either get rejected and give up, or really make that first date count.

In South Africa, magician Li Lau was struck in the head with an arrow when one of his tricks went wront. Li is expected to recover, and will continue to refine his Don’t Get Hit In The Head With An Arrow illusion.

The New York Mets honored the 50th Anniversary of their 1969 Amazin’ Mets championship team, but mistakenly included two living players in an ‘In Memoriam’ slideshow. No members of the 2019 Mets were shown, though a lot of them wish they were dead.

A new study from broker Edward Jones claims 38% of women admit being hindered from making life decisions by a lack of financial knowledge – adding that it’s just too much work emptying their bag to see how much money is in it.

The Centers for Disease Control warns Americans to take precautions against ‘cryptosporidium’ – a fecal bacteria that can live for days in public swimming pools, causing up to three weeks worth of “profuse, watery diarrhea”. They advise anyone with diarrhea not to swim for up to two weeks, angering water park owners who say they count on sick people to stay in business.

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NBA star Steph Curry’s new Under Armour basketball shoe, the Curry 6, was co-designed by 9-year-old Riley Morrison, who had questioned why past versions didn’t come in women’s sizes. Curry’s will be the first lavender shoe in NBA games with light-up heels.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison, a punishment approximate to the 48 months U.S. citizens were given in November, 2016.

A German man was sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder by poisoning his coworkers’ sandwiches. Defense attorneys unsuccessfully argued the coworkers were killing themselves anyway, since they were eating liverwurst.

UrbanSitter published rates to hire babysitters in 28 U.S. locations. The highest hourly rate was in San Francisco, which averaged nearly $20/hour, to a low of $0 in Mobile, Alabama & Hattiesburg, Mississippi – where respondents asked “why would I pay the dog?”

SpaceX’s Crew Dragon safely returned home from its supply delivery mission to the International Space Station, with pilot dummy ‘Ripley’ intact. Ripley will now be kept under observation for a week to see what pops out of its stomach.

Buffalo Bills GM Brandon Beane issued a public statement refuting reports that the Bills would acquire Steelers WR Antonio Brown, saying he’d prefer to groom malcontents instead of getting one off-the-shelf.

Disney shareholders narrowly approved a $35 million pay package for CEO Bob Iger. A dissenting voter at the annual meeting was quoted saying “Gawrsh! Guh-hoot, guh-hoot, when’s he gawrna start payin US more? Guh-hoot..”

President Trump will visit the site of Alabama tornadoes, which claimed the lives of 23 people. He’s expected to be joined by members of the National Weather Service & Army Corps of Engineers, assigned to monitor winds and keep his hair in place.

Philadelphia banned cashless businesses. Lawmakers argued that a quarter of city residents live in poverty and don’t have credit cards — meaning they probably don’t have cash, either, but, hey, let’s fix the symptom instead of the disease.

A new report claims the FDA is allowing manufacturers of wound-closing surgical staplers to hide incidents of malfunction, causing bleeding or death. The stapler malfunctions were brought to light by coroners examining cadavers’ surgical incisions closed with Scotch tape and paper clips.

 

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Triclosan, an antimicrobial ingredient in deodorant, body spray & mouthwash, was shown to limit the effectiveness of antibiotics in mice. Researchers found that although the antibiotics given to mice for infections didn’t work, the body spray and mouthwash used by the mice meant they were still able to make out with chicks.

An exposé in The Verge claims that Facebook moderators screening violent & sexual content are subjected to high levels of stress, which they deal with by smoking weed and having sex on the job. They then post the sex pics on Facebook to keep coworkers busy.

A Donald Trump lookalike and a Kim Jong Un lookalike were both expelled from Vietnam prior to the summit between the U.S. & North Korean leaders. Summit organizers were worried that the lookalikes would make a mockery of the Trump/Kim summit by actually getting something done.

A Cincinnati Bengals season ticket holder is suing the team, saying he suffered shoulder damage after slipping & falling on vomit in the men’s room. The team claims that as a 20-year season ticket holder the victim should know how avoid injury from people vomiting while watching the Bengals.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft allegedly paid for sex at a Florida spa on the morning of his team’s AFC Championship Game win over the Chiefs. The appointment appeared on his calendar as “stretching with the team.”

The Buffalo Bills are looking for a new person to wear the costume of their mascot, Billy Buffalo. They must be good with children, have a valid driver’s license, and be able to perform mascot duties after housing an 18-pack of Labatt Blue during pregame tailgate.

Ivanka Trump criticized the $52,000 minimum staffer salary for Democratic Congresswoman Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, saying “people want to work for what they get.” As an example, Ivanka produced the stellar report card that earned her fake breasts and a nose job.

A study by the London School of Hygiene claims fecal matter can be found on 1 of every 6 smartphones — and 5 out of every 6 that downloaded the Kama Sutra app.

Target is launching its own collection of $9.99/bottle wine. Walmart declined comment, other than saying they see brisk sales of their $4.99 kits to make wine in your toilet.

Rotten Tomatoes will no longer allow audience reviews of movies prior to a film’s release, after trolls bombarded the site with negative reviews of Captain Marvel that many deemed misogynist, and negative reviews of A Madea Family Funeral that everyone deemed probably accurate.

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To protect against active shooters, faculty and students at Oakland University in Michigan are being given hockey pucks to defend themselves. They’re being told to throw the pucks at armed killers, because hockey sticks aren’t in the budget. 

A Dallas wedding photographer was kicked out of the reception and arrested after having sex with a guest & urinating on a tree. The guest who had sex with her was allowed to stay, the newlyweds are awaiting their proofs, and the photographer took her own mugshot. 

The new Alliance of American Football had their first ever ‘Quarterback draft’ to select players for the eight teams in the new league. Recently cut Buffalo Bills quarterback Nathan Peterman went undrafted. Said a league spokesman “come on, we’re not that desperate.”

In an interview with the New York Post, President Trump predicted that he’ll never win a Nobel Peace Prize, then took a break to call U.S. Border Patrol agents to see how the tear-gassing of women and children was going. 

Chuck Holton, a correspondent appearing on NRATV, told show host Dana Loesch “we need to train our boys” to charge at active shooters — adding that he’s seen the tactic work countless times in Iron Man and Captain America movies. 

Quentin Tarantino married his longtime girlfriend, singer Daniella Pick. The couple celebrated their first dance as man & wife while the wedding party stood in a circle around them pointing handguns at each other. 

Southwest Airlines apologized to the family of a 5-year-old girl, Abcde [pronounced ‘AB-city’] Redford, after a gate agent mocked the girl’s name in person and on social media. Abcde’s mom said it isn’t her daughter’s fault she was named while giving birth during a field sobriety test. 

A detective is suing the NYPD, claiming that his female boss shoved her dirty underwear in his mouth after he criticized her hanging them in a unisex station bathroom. He is seeking undisclosed damages and reimbursement for gallons of Listerine.

The Chinese government has ordered an end to the controversial trial of gene-editing babies – at least until a team of government experts decides on the right price to charge billionaires for a gene-edited baby. 

At the L.A. Auto Show, Hyundai introduced the 2020 Hyundai Palisade, a 3-row SUV that seats 8 Americans or 20 Koreans. 

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An Alabama woman dressing for Halloween required emergency surgery to remove the $3 vampire teeth that became stuck in her mouth. The dentist said the woman’s surgery was difficult because she’s one of the few people in Alabama with real teeth for the fake ones to stick to.

The NFL Cleveland Browns fired coach Hue Jackson, just days after the NBA Cleveland Cavaliers fired their coach Ty Lue. “Goodnight Lue. Goodnight Hue..”

A couple on a Carnival Cruise alerted the crew to the presence of a camera recording activity in their cabin. After inspecting the camera, a crewman asked if they’d like to switch rooms with a much better looking couple.

Off the coast of Monterey, California, the world’s largest deep-sea octopus nursery was discovered, with over 1,000 female octopuses struggling to get all eight of their newborns’ legs in their onesies.

A same-sex married female couple are the first to carry the same baby in each of their bodies. Bliss Coulter started by carrying the baby until eggs fertilized in her body, then the embryos were transferred to her wife, Ashleigh, who later delivered the baby. Other lesbians have viewed their DIY YouTube video over a million times.

The New England Patriots were expected to discipline wide receiver Josh Gordon for lateness by benching him for the first quarter of their game in Buffalo against the Bills. They decided to start Gordon anyway, and punish him by leaving him in Buffalo for an extra day.

HYLA Mobile, a smartphone trade-in company, reports that Americans are waiting longer than ever – an average of 2.8 years – to upgrade their phone. The study excludes owners who buy the insurance and spike their phone on the sidewalk once they’re sick of it.

Reese’s will put out a vending machine in NYC that lets trick-or-treaters deposit unwanted treats to trade for Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. No word on whether the machine accepts drugs and needles.

A school bus driver in Texas was arrested for attempting to drive through a barricade and into raging floodwaters with a student riding on the bus…and three more students water-skiing behind it.

Four shots were fired into a Republican Party office in Florida, which is how Republicans had asked to be notified that their pizza arrived.

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”