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Low water levels at Lake Mead reservoir near Las Vegas led to the discovery of human remains stuffed into a barrel. Police say the body had been there since the 1980s, because they found Milli Vanilli tickets in a pants pocket.

Bad news: the U.S. Supreme Court appears poised to overturn Roe v. Wade. Good news: Southwest Airlines announced $99 Super Saver roundtrip airfare from Texas to Newark, New Jersey.

Kim Kardashian supposedly lost 16 pounds to fit into Marilyn Monroe’s dress for the Met Gala, forcing her to show up half-assed.

A woman claimed she was kicked off a Jet Blue flight for being a ‘Trump supporter’, after she was recorded shouting racist and homophobic slurs. Nobody doubted that she’s a Trump supporter.

Vladimir Putin is rumored to be undergoing cancer surgery, opting for that approach versus radiation therapy – sitting in a lawn chair outside of the Chernobyl nuclear plant.

Eugene De Leon, a veteran snake handler, died after a snake bit his face at the Rattlesnake Roundup in Freer, Texas. Organizers mourned the loss of De Leon, and admitted they’d lost count of injuries at the festival petting zoo.

An Arizona woman who lost her leg to cancer in 2001 broke a Guinness World Record by running 102 marathons in 102 days. She is recuperating at home from extreme dizziness after running nearly 2,700 miles in a circle.

LPGA pro golfer Lydia Ko surprised a a Golf Channel interviewer who’d asked about her back tightness by telling him she was having her period. Ko placed third in the tournament, shooting 1-under-par to finish her final round in the red.

A new report claims the processing power of Meta’s upcoming virtual reality headset – the successor to Oculus Quest – makes it a “laptop for your face”. Even better, it’s harder to mess up while watching porn.

Apple employees at the company’s Cupertino, California headquarters submitted an open letter criticizing a policy which only allows them to work-from-home two days per week. “Cry me a river” said the teenagers and moms asssembling iPhones.

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An 8-year-old brought a loaded handgun to a Philadelphia elementary school. The child explained that they’d missed the bus and needed to jack a ride.

Russia accused Ukraine of conducting an air strike on a military fuel depot in Russian territory. Ukraine is now on the board, but trails in air strikes: 1,056 to 1.

Russian soldiers abandoned their position at Chernobyl nuclear plant due to radiation sickness. Female soldiers were mistakenly thought to be pregnant because they’re glowing.

Walgreens is using robots to fill prescriptions, now that human pharmacists are taking on more responsibilities, such as administering vaccines, and keeping robots from swiping opioids.

Washington DC police found five fetuses in the home of 28-year-old anti-abortion activist Lauren Handy. Asked what they were doing there, Handy said she hadn’t been having much luck starting a family.

Construction of homes along the Schuylkill River in Conshohocken, Pennsylvania has been halted due to a massive influx of beavers. The beavers say their peers have yet to be paid for the work they’ve already completed.

NASA’s Hubble Space telescope detected the farthest star ever seen – Bruce Willis, seated in the last row of the highest balcony at the Oscars.

A low-budget radio station in Missouri is one of only two U.S. carriers of Radio Sputnik – a service offering Russian State Radio to foreign countries. They may stop since lots of people are shutting it off because of the 23 hours of music featuring the Trololo guy.

Anchorman actor David Koechner was charged with misdemeanor DUI and leaving the scene of an accident. Whammy!

Actor Jim Carrey said he’s probably retiring, unless a ‘really special’ part comes along – folllowing his commitment to play the lead in Crash Bandicoot 1, 2 & 3.

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Leslie Van Houten, convicted Manson Family murderer, had her parole recommendation reversed for a fifth time by California Governor Gavin Newsom and will remain in prison. Someone else will now have to bring potato salad to the Manson Family Reunion.

The United States will issue gender-neutral ‘X’ passports. Bored TSA agents will settle “what’s in the pants” wagers with impromptu pat-downs and strip searches.

After digging trenches to fortify their postition at the Chernobyl nuclear plant, Russian troops are suffering “acute radiation sickness”. Other Russian troops that occupied an abandoned Ukrainian McDonald’s are suffering from “regular sickness”.

The U.S. Justice Department is investigating Google for forcing automakers to include Google Maps navigation with any Android Auto installation. Google is telling the Justice Department to get lost.

The NHL Detroit Red Wings fired Al Sobotka, their Zamboni driver of 51 years. No details were given, but Sobotka was last seen taking a rink sobriety test administered by Michigan Skate Troopers.

Google Search has added a ‘Highly Cited’ label to vouch for quality & accuracy when returning information about a story or topic. They’re considering adding a ‘Highly Aroused’ label to Incognito Mode searches.

Infamous Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse said on a podcast that his repeated calls to President Joe Biden have gone “unreturned…crickets”. A White House spokesperson said Rittenhouse hasn’t been called back because Joe Biden doesn’t have the number for Rittenhouse’s Paw Patrol Phone.

Paraplegic House Rep. Madison Cawthorn said he’s been invited to orgies and watched fellow Congressmen do cocaine. He later admitted to exaggerating, and walked – or, rolled – back his remarks.

A woman was awarded $5.25 million in damages when she discovered she was impregnated with her fertility doctor’s sperm, not the sample she’d selected. The woman recalled thinking it was unusual her treatment included dinner and a movie.

Bruce Willis announced his retirement from acting, just 25 movies after being diagnosed with a cognitive illness.

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North Korea’s soccer team withdrew from World Cup 2022 qualifying. Head Coach & Benevolent Leader Kim Jong Un blamed their poor play on a lack of execution, then executed them.

A 14-year-old boy near Calgary, Alberta accidentally rode his bike into a rattlesnake den. He waved to the dozen-or-so Catholic priests and pedaled safely away.

A new study finds rodents and pigs can breathe out their rectums. “I know breathing, and that’s not breathing” say their disgusted wives and girlfriends.

The Ukrainian government seized 1,500 bottles of vodka made with apples from Chernobyl, and scientists want it back. They were testing its safety for human consumption in a signature cocktail, the CosmoPlutonian.

A man ambushed his ex-wife at their son’s sporting event, chasing her onto the field while holding two knives. Play was halted as the kids asked their coach why he was chasing the lady around with knives.

Mountain Dew is releasing a Cake Smash flavor that tastes like dessert. You drink it after a meal of original Mountain Dew to contract Type II diabetes twice as fast.

Bill Gates reportedly had an affair with a Microsoft employee. They kept it secret for so long because they were the only two people using Windows Live Messenger for Zune.

A Key Largo, Florida man crashed his boat at a high rate of speed and died with “mangroves lodged in his head”. The coroner’s report stated “he had it all, just like Bogey & Bacall, only with a mangrove lodged in his head, in Key Largo.”

New York City Police are banned from gay Pride marches in the city until 2025. Gay NYC cops are angry, but plan to hold their own Shooting Unarmed Criminals Pride parade.

While Scarlett Johansson accepted the MTV Movie Awards ‘Generation Award’ for her 30-year movie career, husband Colin Jost poured slime on her. He’s the third husband to slime Scarlett Johnasson.

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Pornhub debuted a new channel of interactive videos that work with “connected male sex toys”. A Pornhub exec said that videos to work with connected women’s toys is in the works, but that guys always come first.

Facebook has hit 2 Billion monthly users – each of whom are really, really pissing somebody off right now.

  • While there are 2 Billion users, your Mom wonders why nobody liked that video she posted.

Bill Cosby issued a statement “the current propaganda that I will conduct a ‘sexual assault tour’ is false.” Cosby went on to say that his sexual assault touring days are behind him.

Chernobyl Nuclear Plant was a victim of a recent malware attack – with attackers downing computer systems in exchange for ransom.  A spokesperson for Chernobyl Nuclear said “eh, things have been worse.”

16 Million Americans in Southern California, Southern Nevada and Arizona are under a heat advisory. Residents are advised to check on elderly persons — or at least the ones that they like.

The CEO of Olive Garden told investors that sales are up 4% this year and that, surprisingly, 30% of their customers are Millenials. The other 70% pay the checks for meals, but 30% are Millenials.

Actress Michelle Rodriguez took to social media to say that the Fast & Furious films need more strong female voices. Producers plan to address her request by casting future movies with more chick cars.

A Verizon exec took a swipe at phone service rival T-Mobile, saying in the wake of a recent outage that T-Mobile “doesn’t work on Thursdays”. T-Mobile scheduled a conference call to address the issue on Friday.