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Before giving Tony Romo the richest contract for a NFL football analyst in broadcast history, CBS Sports reportedly tried to hire Peyton Manning instead. But the lenses on the booth cameras were unable to fully capture his massive forehead.

Google rolled out a new ‘feature drop’ for its Pixel lineup of phones, including  ‘car crash detection’, which detects car crashes using the phone’s microphone, accelerometer, and the name of the old Asian woman it’s registered to.

Nintendo’s mobile race game ‘Mario Kart Tour’ goes live on March 8th, allowing you to race against friends. It’s the first mobile game where you can lose to someone, then hit them in the head with your phone.

Bose Corporation terminated their CEO back in January without telling anyone, proving how good they are at cancelling noise.

Philadelphia’s National Museum of American Jewish History filed for bankruptcy protection. The museum director asked if any of their members knew a good lawyer, and received over 75,000 referrals in an hour.

Mike Pence dodged a reporter’s question asking him if he’d take his kids to Disney during the coronavirus outbreak. Pence then said Gay Days at Disney aren’t until early June, so he has time to think about it.

Police searched the apartment of a UPS worker planning a mass shooting in California, finding tactical weapons, body armor, 20,000 rounds of ammo – and a really efficient getaway map with no left turns!

Two New York City high schools closed after a suspected case of COVID-19 coronavirus in the community. Officials sought to spare students exposure to illness, and to spare parents from the schools’ musical production of ‘Fiddler On The Roof’.

Health experts are warning that homemade hand sanitizer recipes that recommend using vodka are ineffective, since vodka is only 40% alcohol. In other news, influencers were invited to the launch party for Mad Dog 2020 Hand Sanitizer.

Nearly 10% of Iranian lawmakers are infected with coronavirus; adding this is likely to cause a significant slowdown in the speed of trials and beheadings.

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Mike Bloomberg’s presidential campaign has reportedly hired a comedy writer to punch up his material. No one knows the writer’s identity, but Bloomberg’s campaign slogan has changed from ‘Mike Will Get It Done’ to ‘Mike Will GIT ‘ER DONE!’

The White House has reportedly demanded that all communications related to coronavirus actions be routed through VP Mike Pence. In turn, he is required to route all communications through Head Coronavirus Prayer Warrior Karen Pence.

Chinese swimming champion Sun Yang has been banned from the sport for eight years over doping violations. Other swimmers are concerned the water will be cold without Sun hitting it.

  • Reached for comment about Sun Yang’s ban, China’s President Xi Jinping said “Yeah, we kinda have a bigger problems right now..”

A ‘Wheel Of Fortune’ contestant solved the puzzle ‘A PLACE LIKE NO OTHER’ with only the letters N and T showing. Wheel Of Fortune superfans wished that they, too, knew how to read.

Taylor Swift released a new video for her song ‘The Man’, in which she appears dressed as a bearded man in a suit. She was promptly praised by feminists and forced to apologize to transgender males.

A boat used for the Disney World Jungle Cruise ride sank in shallow water while filled with passengers. No one was injured, except for bites from ducks Huey, Dewey & Louie.

A lesbian teacher in Texas, suspended for showing students a picture of her future wife, won a $100,000 settlement with her school district – equal to ten times her annual salary.

A 39-year-old woman wearing a Cookie Monster costume was found passed out behind the wheel of her car and was treated with Narcan for a suspected heroin overdose. She was rushed to a local hospital, where her visit was sponsored by the letters N and H.

South Korea leads the world in male beauty treatment, with 75% of men getting a grooming or beauty treatment at least once a week. The remaining 25% have not yet joined a boy band.

This week the National Football League holds its Rookie Combine workouts in Indianapolis. In addition to sprinting, high jumping and bench-presses, this year each athlete is repeatedly struck in the head with a frying pan to gauge how many hits they can take before self-reporting a concussion.

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Philadelphia is planning to open the first-of-its-kind ‘safe injection site’ in the U.S. It will be the first place where users can safely inject high doses of pain killers that isn’t an NFL locker room.

The White House plans to ask Congress for up to $2.5 billion to battle the COVID-19 coronavirus. The Pentagon will make a separate request of $5 billion, to buy 50 face masks.

The Centers for Disease Control listed which styles of facial hair pose issues in helping to prevent the coronavirus. They say certain beards prevent face masks from properly contacting the face, although they make the wearer look like less of a douche.

Heaven Fitch became the first female to win a North Carolina state high school wrestling championship. She won the 106-pound weight class, but swears she’s a Size 0.

  • Her finishing move is telling opponents stories about how much she loves visiting her grandmother, at which point they surrender.

A player for the American Hockey League Hershey Bears was hospitalized after getting knocked out in an on-ice fight. He was kept overnight for observation, and an additional five minutes for fighting.

The bankrupt Boy Scouts of America may need to sell original Norman Rockwell paintings in order to pay sexual molestation lawsuits. It’s not clear how much money the sales will generate, since most of the paintings are of scout leaders molesting boys.

A new study claims the average U.S. home internet speed went up, from 103.1 Mbps in 2018 to 128.3 Mbps in 2019. Asked for comment, a Comcast/Xfinity spokesperson said “Not because of us, that’s for sure.”

  • The same study cites the average U.S. household consumed 344 gigabytes of data in a year, at a rate of roughly 2 gigabytes per porn video.

The creator of the ‘Konami code’ – Up, up, down, down, left, right, b, a, start – has died. The code was used to generate extra lives in video games, but apparently really slows things down when you have to type it into defibrillators.

YouTube’rs are making videos teaching people to give themselves fecal transplants, where stool from healthy donors is put in the intestinal tract via the rectum to cure bowel disorders. So far the only videos YouTube has removed are the ones where the stool is used to make smoothies.

A St. Cloud, Minnesota Walmart experienced so much theft of socks and underwear that those items are now locked in a glass case. They say most of the shoplifters were low-income grandmothers who still insisted on giving terrible Christmas gifts.

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The International Olympic Committee’s longest-serving member, Dick Pound, said he believes the IOC has three months to decide if the COVID-19 virus is controlled, or the Tokyo Olympics must be cancelled. He then fielded a half-hour of questions about his gay porn name.

Rush Limbaugh said on his radio program he’s “dead right” that the COVID-19 virus is “the common cold”, but is being weaponized to take down Donald Trump. Noting his advanced cancer, his critics said they, too, hope Limbaugh is “dead, right?”.

The jury has been released following the conviction of Harvey Weinstein on two sexual assault charges, and most are now receiving counseling for the PTSD they’re experiencing from having to look at photos of Weinstein nude.

Disney CEO Bob Iger is stepping down immediately, to be succeeded by Disney Parks CEO Bob Chapek. “How many f***ing times are they going to pass me over, Minnie?” squeaked a long-time employee.

The FDA is accusing sandwich chain Jimmy John’s of serving vegetables linked to E.coli and salmonella outbreaks. Company officials said they’ll do a better job convincing customers that vegetables have no place on sandwiches.

A 61-year-old woman who said she never drank showed high levels of alcohol in her urine and was diagnosed with “auto brewery syndrome”, where yeast in her bladder fermented. She’s debating between treatment, or continuing to sell Shirley’s Small-Batch IPA for $20/pint.

A Tokyo man shared the story of Nintendo replacing his 95-year-old mother’s broken Game Boy handheld which hasn’t been made since 2003. Nintendo found a brand new one in a warehouse, and the woman played it until her death at 99 when she was struck by a turtle shell.

The U.S. has begun testing a coronavirus vaccine at the University of Nebraska Medical Center, and boy is that goat tired of needles.

Michelle Janavs – heiress to the Hot Pockets fortune – was sentenced to 5 months in prison for her role in the College Admissions Scandal. It’s the longest frozen food prison sentence since the racketeering takedown of the notorious Totino’s Crime Family.

Struggling retailer GameStop is trialing three new “concept stores” at locations in Oklahoma, designed to be less focused on game sales, and more focused on social interaction. All three are Starbucks.

 

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Actor Dustin Diamond – ‘Screech’ – said his ‘Saved By The Bell’ character should be included in the show’s current reboot. Since he’s already trashed every costar from the original show and made a video of himself naked,  it would be just like high school.

The Dow Jones Industrial average cratered 900 points at the open on Monday, reflecting concerns about the COVID-19 virus on the global economy. In other news, Princess Cruise Lines announced rock-bottom rates on their Going Out Of Business Voyage.

A 62-year-old former Marine broke the Guinness World Record by holding a plank position for 8 hours, 15 minutes and 15 seconds. He was awarded a medal, then a hazmat team burned his shorts and workout mat.

Donald Trump visited India, where he was welcomed at a gala event, then chased out of it for sneaking in and eating sacred Big Macs.

A woman claims she performed oral sex on Cleveland Browns QB Baker Mayfield in a Cheesecake Factory parking lot. Mayfield decided on the sex act after spending 15 minutes looking through her 25-page menu.

Iconic mascot Phillie Phanatic debuted a new look on Sunday – sporting bushier, bluer eyebrows, a blue tail and new sneakers. The team denied the Phanatic received Photox.

A consumer group has 45,000 signatures on a petition demanding that airlines sit families with small children together without paying for seat assignments. Airlines are considering it, but may need to make up lost revenue with ‘crying baby fines’.

California police are investigating a man who drove a Jeep off of a six-story parking garage and crashed it into a neighboring McDonald’s – creating the first-ever “fly thru” window.

A 20-year-old woman and her boyfriend are accused of killing three of their roommates in an argument over rent. A fourth roommate reportedly escaped before they started discussing the cable bill.

Marvel is rumored to be taking over longtime rival DC Comics, after DC parent company AT&T/Warner Bros. objected to a planned fifth-generation “5G” reboot of classic characters. Specifically, a comic where Bruce Wayne switches all of the Wayne Manor & Batcave phones to Verizon 5G.

 

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Lucky’s, an organic grocery store in the midwestern U.S., announced that it’s closing most of its stores. Since it’s organic, their inventory will liquidate itself in a day or two.

Disney CEO Bob Iger apologized and pledged a donation after a licensing arm charged a PTA meeting $250 for showing a DVD of The Lion King at a ‘Parents Night Out’ fundraiser. To avoid Disney conflicts, the PTA announced next month’s DVD will be Naughty Night-Call Nurses 13.

Aurora Cannabis, a Canadian company with aggressive plans for global expansion, announced 500 layoffs. A spokesperson for the workers said “..wait…what?…”

A UCLA analysis concluded that coffee had a “strong and consistent protective association” with prevention of colorectal and uterine cancers; adding the protective effects are achieved by drinking it, not by pouring it in, or near, those organs.

Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards annouced that he quit cigarette smoking in October, and that he now looks and feels like a 98-year-old.

A study of hospital emergency room visits in 2018 claims 3,800 people sought medical help for pizza-related injuries. They include finger lacerations with pizza cutters, mouth burns, and DDUI – the second D is for Domino’s .

Pregnant WWE wrestlers Nikki and Brie Bella revealed they both conceived their babies in the same place, and – after a lengthy explanatory discussion from their ob/gyn – in pretty much the same way.

Norwegian Cruise Lines is refusing to refund the $32,000 paid by a family who cancelled a cruise to Asia over coronavirus concerns. Norwegian offered the family credit to use on a different cruise where they can contract norovirus and the flu instead.

Finley, a golden retriever in Canandaigua, New York is able to fit six tennis balls in his mouth without any human assistance. The dog’s owners are being bombarded with inquiries about talk show appearances and to see if he has a Grindr profile yet.

Antarctica temperatures hit a record 65 degrees. It’s so warm, penguins are giving seals buzz-cuts.