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The FBI announced the arrest of three robbers who held up a Houston-area Wells Fargo bank, aged 11, 12, & 16 years. The youngest handed the teller a note demanding they put the g**damned money in the Spongebob backpack.

New York State is allowing prison inmates to train dogs to be service animals. It’s going pretty well, except for the dogs requiring veterinary care after trying to carry jailbreak tools to prisoners in their butts.

Kourtney Kardashian declared on social media that she’s ‘autosexual’ – defined as deriving erotic pleasure from one’s own body. Coincidentally, guys looking at pictures of Kourtney & her sisters say it’s turned them autosexual, too.

Donald Trump may be forced to sell real estate because he hasn’t found a Treasury Department-approved surety bond issuer to loan him nearly $500 million to appeal his financial fraud judgment before Monday. Meanwhile, ‘Fair Deal Vladdy P’s Bond & Check Cashing Service’ awaits Treasury Department approval.

A report from DailyMail.com claims DNA tests like 23andMe and Ancestry are revealing to many people that they’re the product of incestuous relationships. More shocking, these children of siblings seem pretty eager to tell DailyMail about it.

A Texas high school teacher was arrested and charged for having sex with as many as 12 students, after supplying them vapes and booze. The teacher resigned, and said how hard it is having to buy school supplies out of her own pocket.

Ireland’s youngest ever Prime Minister Leo Varadkar announced his resignation – and you think you did some regrettable stuff on St. Patrick’s Day….

Journey’s 1981 rock anthem Don’t Stop Believin’ has been named the Biggest Song of All Time by Forbes, having reached 18 million purchases, downloads & streams. Ironically, it’s caused most other bands to stop believin’ they’ll ever be that successful.

JetBlue is cutting back on flights and exiting cities including Bogota, Colombia. In an unrelated move, Spirit Airlines announced new SmuggleSaver fares to select South American cities.

Buckingham Palace is on the defensive after admitting photos of the Royal Family have been doctored for years. Most recently, Princess Kate admitted her family photo was edited, and reps conceded that the late Queen Elizabeth II did not participate in snowboard halfpipe at the 2018 Winter X Games.

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A couple who met on an Internet dating site were found guilty of plotting an ISIS-inspired bomb attack during Christmastime in Britain. During questioning, the man admitted to being lured by the catchy jingle of Terroristsonly.com

According to CBS News, White House Chief of Staff John Kelly has told workers to decide by the end of January if they plan on leaving in 2018.  “Probably” replied Melania.

Former White House Communications Director Anthony Scaramucci told CNN that former Trump chief strategist Steve Bannon was a “bad hire”; causing Homeland Security to raise the Domestic Irony Threat Level from Orange to Red.

Steve Bannon stepped down as President of Breitbart News Network on Tuesday. Breitbart released a statement that Bannon was leaving to focus on a new site dedicated to couture fashion, grooming and sobriety.

A Louisiana woman lured an Uber driver to her house where she kissed him while topless so that her boyfriend could rob him. The couple were arrested. The woman received a one-star review for the cancelled trip, and a three-star review for her breasts.

A new study links ibuprofen to reduced sperm count in men, although the study’s author warned women asking if their partner ‘has protection’ should not accept ‘Advil’ as an answer.

A Philadelphia woman had her money and car stolen by two other women while she worked out at Planet Fitness. The thieves remain at large, and the victim was barred from Planet Fitness for judging them.

Harvey Weinstein was pummeled by a man in a drunken rage at an Arizona resort, after Weinstein refused to pose for a photo with him. Police arrested the man and Weinstein returned to his room, put on only a bathrobe, and waited for help to arrive.

According to the Daily Mail, 95-year-old Marvel Comics creator Stan Lee has been accused of sexual harassment by female nurses. The women allege that Lee groped them, walked around naked in their presence, and repeatedly asked if their Spidey Sense was tingling.

Airfare data firm Fare Compare released its list of the “Worst Days to Fly” in 2018. Dates include Presidents Day weekend, the March start of Spring Break, and red-eye flights after any pilot’s birthday happy hour.

 

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The U.S. Women’s Open Golf Championships begin this weekend at Trump National Golf Club in Bedminster, NJ. No word on whether Donald Trump will attend to grab ’em by the putter.

Christopher Wray, Trump’s nominee for FBI Director, vowed independence, telling a Senate Confirmation Panel that he will not be “pulling punches”. Senate Democrats responded saying it was fine with them any time he wanted to punch President Trump.

Scientists confirm that a giant iceberg has broken free of Antarctica. The iceberg is said to be the size of Delaware, and about three times more fun.

A report from The Daily Mail states that NBC has cancelled ‘The Biggest Loser’. The report cannot be confirmed by NBC programming executives, who are refusing to weigh in.

Quentin Tarantino has announced that the subject for his next film will be the Manson Family – as the director pursues a move to more lighthearted fare.

Jacob Javits Convention Center in NYC is using trap-and-neuter feral cats from area animal shelters to control its rodent problem. So far the cats are working for food and shelter, but rumors persist that the cats have been approached by the Teamsters.

The NBA has changed its rules regarding timeouts. Each team will get 7 timeouts per game, down from 9. The change is meant to improve the pace of play, and because the dancers were having trouble memorizing so many different routines.

  • Courtside celebrities like Jack Nicholson criticized the reduction in timeouts, saying they weren’t doing his overactive bladder any favors.

Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg is halfway through his ‘personal challenge’ to visit the 30 states he’s never been to. Some of the states Zuckerberg had never seen are Alaska, Iowa, Mississippi, Minnesota, and Poverty.

A new step counting study from Stanford University shows that China is the least-lazy country, with residents averaging 6,990 steps per day. The laziest country was Indonesia, averaging 3,513 steps per day. Said an Indonesian “we’re starving!”

  • The United States was the fourth-laziest country at 4,774 steps per day. Complicating matters were the number of American participants leaving their step tracker on the couch.

A new study states that young children who don’t get 9 to 11 hours sleep per night will age faster than those who do. The study was funded by new Ambien for Toddlers.

Clint Eastwood has cast the three California friends who thwarted a terrorist attack on a French train in 2015 to play themselves in the new film ‘The 15:17 to Paris’. Asked why he cast real people instead of actors, the 87 year-old director yelled “Cut!”