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TSA agents at Philadelphia International Airport stopped a flight attendant from clearing security with a loaded handgun. Then they fired the gun to subdue an elderly woman attempting to pass security with 5 ounces of tea.

Philadelphia International Airport opened its first-ever gym – where area travelers waiting for their flight can hang their jackets and park their luggage.

Donald Trump’s personal secretary Molly Michael told investigators he routinely used classified documents as scrap paper to write her notes. Special Counsel Jack Smith found a draft of a nuclear treaty with Iran with “what color s your underware?” on it.

Following intense criticism from actors and writers, Drew Barrymore reversed her decision to restart The Drew Barrymore Show. In its place, executive producers have ordered a full season of Navage nasal irrigation system infomercials.

Representative Marjorie Taylor Greene criticized Senator John Fetterman for his choice of clothing during legislative sessions. Rep. Lauren Boebert offered to help him change his pants.

Walt Disney World was partially closed after a bear was sighted in a tree on park property. Wildlife officials were called in to capture and move the bear, but only after they were sure it wasn’t going to sing a song about bear necessities.

Elon Musk indicated he plans to charge all users a fee for X (formerly Twitter) – effectively turning millions of X users into Ex Users.

Phil Mickelson posted a thread on X detailing his addiction to gambling. Mickelson received many messages of support, including from Tiger Woods who offered his help getting Mickelson addicted to sex, instead.

Google announced a major expansion of its Bard artificial intelligence platform. Although, Bard artificial intelligence actually expanded itself but Google is too terrified to let anyone know it.

Scott Burke, a retired surgeon, was arrested after his yacht was seized amidst reports of parties with dozens of sex workers filming pornographic movies. Investigators also found 43 grams of cocaine and other party drugs. The boat, its contents and occupants will now be used by the Make A Wish Foundation.

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Mike Babcock resigned as head coach of the NHL Columbus Blue Jackets before coaching a single game, allegedly because he asked players to share pictures on their phone “to show what type of person (they) are”. Babcock regrets not seeing a single nude photo of players wives or girlfriends.

A U.S. F-35 fighter jet based out of Charleston, South Carolina is missing after the pilot ejected following a “mishap”. “Found it” – said a guy who no longer has a beach house.

Katy Perry sold her music catalog rights for $225 million. The only other woman believed to be that rich who kissed a girl and liked it is Ellen Degeneres.

Drew Barrymore deleted an apology video for restarting her talk show amidst the actors & writers strikes after being dragged by fellow union actors and writers. Her guests for the foreseeable future are dogs & cats who have million-view TikTok clips.

Donald Trump told a crowd on Friday that President Biden is leading the country into World War II. Earlier, Trump had fallen asleep during a private showing of ‘Oppenheimer‘.

Gannett, the largest newspaper group in the U.S., will hire dedicated reporters to cover Taylor Swift and Beyonce. In order to be considered, candidates will need writing samples and a note from their parents to skip gym class for an interview.

9 inmates at a juvenile detention center in rural Pennsylvania escaped during a riot, but then were captured, with several surrendering because they were cold. They were readmitted, and signed up for Danelo Cavalcante’s prison escape MasterClass.

Japan is creating its own version of artificial intelligence ChatGPT. They say the big difference is that theirs speaks Japanese.

Bears in Anchorage, Alaska raided a Krispy Kreme donut delivery van. They were eventually chased away and evaded heavy gunfire from every member of the Anchorage Police Department.

Hugh Jackman and his wife separated after 27 years of marriage. He now officially joins the Ex-Men.

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Clinton Ellis-Gilmore, 53, a drag queen and member of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence – a drag group that performed at Dodger Stadium on Pride Night – was arrested after publicly masturbating in broad daylight at a park. An LA Dodgers spokesperson said they regret that this happened during his 7th Inning solo performance of Take Me Out To The Ballgame.

HBO’s Real Time With Bill Maher will return to air despite there being no resolution to the Writers Guild strike. His first guests will be a few Republicans and Drew Barrymore.

Captured fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante reportedly told police he planned to carjack someone and flee to Canada…adding “and I would have gotten away with it if it wasn’t for those meddling scent-dogs! “

At the trial where she was found guilty of murdering seven babies, prosecutors produced notes where British nurse Lucy Letby wrote “I am evil. I did this”. Investigators found the notes in her one-star Care.com profile.

“The night is darkest before the dawn. And I will rise yet again” said New York Jets quarterback Aaron Rodgers, who will miss the entire NFL season with a torn Achilles tendon, but who apparently plans to spend the year as Batman.

Viral video shows a 14-foot alligator swimming toward a Girl Scout troop in a Texas lake. All but one of the girls received ‘Avoiding Alligators In A Lake’ merit badges.

A judge ruled that Fulton County D.A. Fani Willis cannot try Donald Trump and 16 co-defendants together in their election fraud trial. Apparently the AirBnb they booked for an October trial limits groups to 6 or less.

U.S. airlines are reportedly planning to slash travel prices this autumn – but they’re also planning to triple cancellations, so it all ought to balance out for them.

An iPhone was reportedly hidden to take images in the first-class bathroom of an American Airlines flight used by a family, including a 14-year-old girl. The family is suing the airline, and is also angry that American was selling the photos to exiting passengers like they do at roller coasters.

A Florida high school principal said she was forced out after an in-school assembly on improving academic performance that only included black students. She disputed the allegation, saying the assembly focused on improving the football and basketball teams.

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A Southern California school district will pay $2.25 million to a male student who impregnated his teacher when he was 14, settling his sexual abuse claim. He’s unsure whether he’ll use the money for college, or to buy a house so his teacher can move in after she’s paroled.

Fugitive murderer Danelo Cavalcante has been on the run in the Philadelphia suburbs for two weeks, and reportedly stole a white van with a refrigeration unit. Neighborhood kids are warned not to approach the unmarked ice cream truck playing ‘La Bamba‘ and the ‘Narcos‘ theme.

Eric Trump & Donald Trump Jr. are holding a fundraising dinner at Mar-a-Lago to help pay the legal bills of his co-conspirators in the Georgia election fraud case. It was to be held at Golden Corral, but Eric & Don Jr were banned for repeatedly sticking their hands in the chocolate fountain.

Elon Musk took to X to say his brain implant company, Neuralink, has never caused the death of a monkey with a chip in its brain, saying they only chose terminally ill monkeys. However, he won’t say what the terminal monkeys were instructed to do, or why they were given guns and plane tickets to Ukraine.

An alleged shooter in a Northeast Philadelphia bar fight fled the scene, but then returned there to surrender. And close out his tab. And get one last $3 well drink.

A shooting at a Vineland, New Jersey hospital was determined to be self-inflicted. The resident doctor said he needed the practice for dealing with bullet wounds.

Jelly-maker Smuckers is acquiring Twinkie-maker Hostess for $5.6 billion, in an aggressive attempt to steal market share in the Empty Calories category.

Google is raising subscription prices for its Nest video security products – making it 33% more expensive to determine whose dog is pooping on your lawn.

A British mother is furious that her daughters’ school policy against branded apparel means they can’t wear their Vivienne Westwood shoes. She’s also furious that they have to walk a half-mile from the helipad where they’re dropped off in the morning.

The ‘Halloween‘ house where Jamie Lee Curtis’ Laurie Strode character lived is up for sale in Los Angeles. The realtor says stabbings are no longer a problem, but that the property has been upgraded with bars and bulletproof windows.

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Joey Graziadei will be ABC’s next ‘The Bachelor‘, after finishing as runner-up on The Bachelorette. ‘Runner-up’ means he got to have sex with The Bachelorette, but didn’t have to be her fiance.

Donald Trump will surrender to Georgia police on Thursday after being charged with felony election fraud and will be released on $200,000 bond. Rudy Giuliani will also surrender around the same time so he can ask Donald Trump for bail money.

A trans woman is suing a New York yoga studio for not allowing her to use the woman’s locker room. Management was responding to complaints from females who didn’t want to see the yogi bare.

Google Photos announced a redesign of its editing tools, providing AI-driven ‘Suggestions’ such as Filter, Crop, or – when it detects boob & dick pics – Enhance.

Following torrential downpours from Hurricane Hilary, the mayor of Palm Springs stated it was impossible to enter or leave the city. City council took up a measure to rename it Palm Island.

Japan will release one million gallons of treated radioactive water into the ocean from the wrecked Fukushima nuclear plant on August 24th. Starting around August 25th, there will be a nationwide 50% off sale on sushi.

The Philadelphia Phillies are testing a new facial recognition entry system where fans can submit a picture to use their face as a ticket. The team asks that fans don’t get too drunk in the parking lot and punch each other’s tickets.

Bucking the trend of retailers leaving the city due to rampant theft, Ikea opened a new store in downtown San Francisco. It’ll host the first Smash & Grab where it takes looters 15 minutes to exit the building.

The Coast Guard rescued a man stuck for several days on an uninhabited island in the Bahamas after his sailboat broke down. The man was grateful since he”d grown tired of the boat’s Skipper hitting him with his hat.

Armed suspects robbed an ice cream parlor in Philadelphia. They fled with an undisclosed amount of cash stuffed in a waffle cone.

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Jennifer Lopez marked her one-year wedding anniversary with Ben Affleck. “Who’d have thought we’d make it this far?” she wrote.

Charles Martinet – who’s voiced Mario in Nintendo video games for the last 25 years – is retiring from the role. He said he’d explain, but he’s only allowed to say “It’s a me, Mario”; “Wahoooo!”; and “Ow-ah-ah-ah-ah”.

Domino’s Pizza is closing all 142 of its stores in Russia – saying they’re giving away too many free pizzas after delivery drivers take over a half hour to show up while they dodge Ukrainian drone missiles.

Guatemala’s anti-corruption candidate Bernardo Arevalo is expected to win the country’s Presidential election by over 20 percentage points. He thanked the many Guatemalans voting via absentee ballots sent as they illegally entered the United States.

After scoring the lone goal to secure the Women’s World Cup for Spain in their 1-0 final against England, forward Olga Carmona learned her father had died – making it a truly heart-stopping victory.

Russia’s space agency said its Luna-25 rocket crashed into the moon. President Vladimir Putin shrugged it off, saying he thought there were Ukrainians there.

The American Academy of Pediatrics is urging all states to ban corporal punishment such as spanking in all schools. The request faces fierce opposition from teacher’s associations in Mississippi and Alabama, who say they paid good money for them paddles.

John Warnock, Adobe co-founder and inventor of the .pdf, died at age 82. He’ll be eulogized by an Adobe .pdf Reader.

Adam Sandler’s new Netflix movie You Are So Not Invited To My Bat Mitzvah, debuted with a 100% rating on Rotten Tomatoes — the “Fresh” 100% for a change.

A CBS News poll of Republican voters says 71% of them believe that what Donald Trump tells them is true. The other 29% couldn’t hear him.

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Special Counsel Jack Smith obtained a search warrant for Donald Trump’s Twitter account. No word on discovery of incriminating evidence, but he sure did DM the cast of ‘Jersey Shore’ quite a bit.

Security workers at Los Angeles SoFi Stadium are reportedly accepting $60-100 dollar bribes to let people without tickets in to Taylor Swift concerts. Then, once inside, they can buy $200 sweatshirts.

The Mayor of Tampa found bags of cocaine floating in the ocean while on vacation. Now she’s Mayor of Bogota, Colombia.

The Emmy Awards were postponed from September, 2023 to Martin Luther King Jr. Day in January, 2024. Actors will need to decide between the festive black-tie gala or the volunteer work they’d scheduled for that day.

The final season of Disney Channel’s High School Musical: The Musical: The Series reveals that original sweethearts Troy & Gabriella are now in couples therapy 15 years later. Oddly, the therapy is with their guidance counselors.

A white mother is suing Southwest Airlines over a crew inquring that she may be trafficking her biracial daughter. The woman states if she were a real human trafficker, she’d have flown Spirit Airlines for the deep-discount rates they offer to those in the industry.

Philadelphia Phillies pitcher Michael Lorenzen threw a no-hitter in his first home start for the team. His achievement was celebrated by Phillies fans throwing multiple hits at Washington Nationals fans in the parking lot.

Contestant Luke Valentine was removed from CBS’ ‘Big Brother‘ after repeatedly using the n-word on camera. Valentine will join the housemates on new CBS reality series ‘Bigot Brother‘.

Dorney Park amusement park in Allentown, Pennsylvania revealed plans for a new roller coaster, Iron Menace, to debut next year. They say it will simulate riding a rail car through a steel mill. At the end of the ride, everyone gets fired.

Three people in Australia died from ‘death cap’ mushroom poisoning after attending a family lunch. That evening’s family dinner featured a different caterer.

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Delaware opened a first-of-its-kind mobile DMV office, open from 10a to 2p every Tuesday, to process up to 3 customers.

Lizzo is being sued for sexual harassment and for fat-shaming her backup dancers, in what’s expected to be the U.S.’s biggest Pot v Kettle lawsuit.

New Jersey’s Lieutenant Governor Sheila Oliver died at age 71. Arrangements are being made for state residents to view her and offer their congratulations on getting out of New Jersey.

A new Journal of the American Medical Association [JAMA] study concludes that men drink themselves to death more often than women, but female deaths from alcoholism are increasing more rapidly. The study is titled “Chicks Can Hang“.

Investigators concluded there is no connection between accused Gilgo Beach Long Island murderer Rex Heuermann and the 2006 deaths of women in Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey – finding that Gilgo is really more of a local serial killer beach.

Donald Trump’s latest indictment for attempting to overturn the results of the 2020 Presidential Election lists 21 lies he’s told about the election. There are more, but the special counsel’s assistant got carpal tunnel syndrome typing indictments.

Amazon Clinic, a 24/7 consultative medical health care service, is now available in all 50 states. Anyone can access it for medical advice, but priority is given to medical distress calls for Amazon warehouse workers.

A study of 1,000 adults found that sleeping late on weekends is bad for adults overall health. They advise sleeping in during the week, which is better for your health and bad for your career.

Argentina fast-food restaurant Honky Donky stirred outrage in the Jewish community by offering an Anne Frank burger and Adolf fries. Honky Donky admitted that few people were ordering the burger since it initially was only on their hidden menu.

The mic Cardi B threw at an audience member [and missed] who tossed a drink on her during a Las Vegas show is being auctioned off for charity. Unfortunately, none of the proceeds go to the concertgoer who was WAP’d in the head by it.

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On the season finale of The Kardashians, Kylie Jenner said she regrets getting a boob job at a young age, but added it was a pretty great 12th birthday.

Doctors now say isometric exercise is a good way to lower blood pressure, along with cardio exercise, or stopping your heart altogether.

Donald Trump is now charged with conspiring to destroy Mar A Lago surveillance footage in the classified documents case. Trump is said to be furious, since co-defendants also deleted footage from the ladies locker room.

Mitch McConnell’s representatives said he’ll serve through 2024 as GOP leader in the Senate, after he communicated his intentions to them through mind-meld.

Fan activity from a Taylor Swift concert in Seattle registered 2.3 on a seismometer. It’s believed to be the first time 50,000 people paid over $1,000 each to be in an earthquake.

Divorcing couple Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are fighting for custody of their dog, Bubbles. However, Sofia will retain sole custody of her own bubbles.

Dr. Katharine Roxanne Grawe, aka “Dr. Roxy”, had her Ohio medical license revoked for posting TikTok videos during cosmetic surgery she performed – including breast augmentation and Brazilian butt lifts – without patient consent. TLC also cancelled her planned tv show, Doctor Bra Popper.

A Spirit Airlines passenger urinated on the floor of the jet next to an exit door, after claiming she’d been denied use of the lavatory for two hours. Spirit’s spokesperson said she was only denied use of the bathroom because she refused to pay the $20 checked-urine fee.

The Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska wants to give homeless people one-way tickets to warmer climates before the start of frigid Alaska winter. Hearing of the deal, many longtime Anchorage residents have filed to declare themselves homeless.

A 39-year-old Florida manatee died earlier this year after having “high-intensity” sex with its brother at the aquarium where they both lived. Counselors were made available to the fourth-grade students visiting the aquarium on a field trip that day.

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Environmentalists are concerned that ocean temperatures off the Florida coast now exceed 90 degrees. However, if you move away from the toddlers, temperatures cool off considerably.

After the pilot suffered a medical emergency, a 68-year-old female passenger in a private plane crash-landed it at Martha’s Vineyard airport and both survived. She said it’s the first time she’d driven a vehicle without a rear-view mirror to check her makeup.

Sofia Vergara and husband Joe Manganiello are divorcing after seven years of marriage. Neither are asking for spousal support, but he’s seeking visitation rights to her boobs.

Donald Trump said he’s been informed by a Special Counsel that he’s the target of an investigation to overturn the 2020 Presidential Election. Trump thanked the Special Counsel for the $100 million in donations from dopes he’ll get as a result.

A woman returned to her Philadelphia apartment to find four strange men there. She shot two of them, and asked the two better-looking ones what their deal was.

Lindsay Lohan gave birth to her first child, a baby boy, Luai. He weighed 7 pounds and several ounces of cocaine.

A Japanese steakhouse in Florida was shut down after reports of seven customers sickened by drugs in their food. Cops had to get a second search warrant to obtain samples that the chef flipped into his hat.

Doctors in Long Island’s tony Hamptons say they’ve seen dozens of rich men seeking to enlarge their genitals with penis injections. Doctors also say they’ve given penis injections to their patients’ disappointed wives and girlfriends.

A homeless California woman sleeping in the tall grass of a public park was killed by a landscaping crew’s lawnmower. Her gravestone reads Rest In Pieces.

Japan Airlines will offer weekly clothing rental for travelers who wish to pack light and leave their large suitcases and apparel at home. Visitors from western nations are advised to order Japanese rental clothing six to ten sizes up.