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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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Veteran NHL announcer Mike ‘Doc’ Emrick did play-by-play commentary over video of an auto mechanic replacing his car’s windshield wiper. Viewers called it “still more exciting than soccer”.

Walmart announced they’re seeking to hire up to 150,000 new workers – 140,000 for warehouses, and 10,000 bouncers for the toilet paper aisle.

Anyone can audit Yale University’s ‘Happiness’ course for free. For $49 you can complete assignments and receive a grade. People dumb enough to pay the money and get a ‘D’ get angry, then have their Happiness grade lowered to ‘F’.

Elon Musk bought over 1,200 ventilators from China and had them air-shipped to Los Angeles. They’ll be donated to hospitals as soon as they’re cleaned by the 2,400 robots he’s still building.

A Gallup poll says one in five adults is wearing a fitness tracker; and three in five drawers are holding one.

Jeff Bezos posted a four-page letter to Amazon workers on Instagram, claiming his sole focus is on company operations during the COVID-19 outbreak. Warehouse employees lost a grand total of $2 billion in pay taking unauthorized bathroom breaks to read it.

The New England Journal of Medicine reports that the COVID-19 virus can live for up to three hours in aerosol form. Procter & Gamble announced an immediate recall of Cinnamon Vanilla Coronavirus Febreze.

Scientists discovered an ancient, wormlike creature over 500 million years old and the ancestor of all living mammals. It refused to wear a condom.

Instacart is planning to hire 30,000 grocery delivery workers. Applicants must have a valid drivers license, and the strength to toss a 20-pound bag of groceries on to a porch from 10 feet away.

Hobby Lobby chief executive David Green sent a letter to stores, claiming his wife ‘had a heavenly vision’ that God would protect them from sickness. “I had it too!” said a store worker holding a large tube of modeling glue.

 

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Hershey’s Chocolate is retiring their ‘Kissmobiles’, large motorized vehicles in the shape of wrapped Hershey’s Kisses. They say the 20-year-old vehicles are in disrepair because they keep melting on hot days.

New York City mayor Bill de Blasio blasted Domino’s for selling $30 pizzas to New Year’s Eve revelers in Times Square. Event sponsor Planet Fitness echoed his sentiment, saying if people wanted, they could join for 20 cents and get pizza for free.

Ricki Lake shaved her head after revealing her nearly 30-year-struggle with hair loss. She’s now ready to begin struggling with hair growth.

A Florida jury awarded $4 million to a Disney Cruise worker struck by a car while off the ship in a port-of-call, saying she received inadequate medical care from ship doctors. The doctors argued that they couldn’t treat her properly because she would only quack.

Greyhound Bus Lines is offering free tickets to runaways seeking to reunite with their families. To qualify, the rider must call a runaway hotline, be between 12 and 21 years old, and decide that a Greyhound bus ride is somehow better than life on the street.

The National Hockey League fined Columbus Blue Jackets head coach John Tortorella $20,000 for a postgame rant about officiating following a loss. Tortorella could have just punched a referee instead and gotten a five-minute timeout.

A new Gallup poll of Americans named Michelle Obama the “most admired woman” of 2019.  Respondents were asked to name a woman they admired, and after men replied with the name of a porn star or Instagram model, they were told ‘not like that’.

The Mediterranean diet was named the best diet by U.S. News and World Report. The popular Keto diet ranked next-to-last, but only because someone entered The Taco Bell Diet.

A 58-year-old man missing in the Grand Canyon for 11 days was found alive. Search crews resumed efforts trying to find him after initially waiting to see if Santa Claus could do it.

Consumer advocates advise people not to abbreviate 2020 as 20 on paper checks and legal documents, claiming that doing so makes the digits easily changeable and subject to fraud. The same advocates also advise people writing paper checks to learn how to use a goddamned computer.

 

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A new Gallup poll reveals 25% of Americans have “major money worries”, with a majority expressing regret for the day their “major money worries” were born.

Researchers studying sparrows and finches say they line nests with cigarette butts to ward off parasitic mites, but they also have difficulty flying long distances on account of smoking all those Marlboros.

Tom Rice, 97, a U.S. paratrooper who survived D-Day, relived it 75 years later by skydiving to the same spot. Everything went great until he landed and chased sunbathers on Normandy Beach with a bayonet.

Actress Marcia Cross says that her anal cancer is linked to her husband’s throat cancer, and nobody wants to hear more details.

Apple is launching a menstrual period tracking app to advise women when their period starts. Husbands and boyfriends of women with PMS can use it to avoid them.

Google is enhancing SOS Alerts – its warning feature for those in the path of natural disasters – with ‘visualizations’ of floods, hurricanes & earthquakes. “Look kids!..here’s what’s going to level our house!” said a Dad gathering kids around his phone.

Amazon claims that, within months, it could have drones delivering packages under five pounds up to 15 miles, thanks to guidance they’ve received consulting with drug dealers.

GM plans to offer airless, puncture-proof tires on new vehicles, starting with the 2024 Chevy Big Wheel.

Walmart is swapping out its workers’ blue vests – introducing grey vests with neon accents, which they say will make it easier for customers to locate sleeping employees.

Bernie Sanders introduced a shareholder resolution to put hourly workers on the Walmart Board of Directors. The move was defeated, with many hourly workers voting against it thinking they’d get a sore ass sitting on a board.

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MoveHub’s International Hipster Index released the 25 Most Hipster-Friendly cities in the world. Three Florida cities – Orlando, Miami & Ft. Lauderdale – made the Top Ten, making them top cities for both hipsters and artificial hips.

Morgan Freeman has been accused of painfully slow, deliberate sexual harassment.

A study from the World Cancer Research Fund links obesity to 12 different types of cancer. “A dozen? You mean like donuts?” asked a mildly surprised obese person.

According to the Washington Department of Fish and Wildlife, mussels off the coast of Seattle have tested positive for opioids. They’ve never seen such relaxed mussels.

Sally Anderson, a life coach in New Zealand, is being accused of ‘cultural appropriation’ for getting a native Maori chin tattoo, when she is not of Maori descent. Anderson, who is married to a Maori, says it’s an homage to Maori culture, but critics say the tattoo clearly reads ‘Dave Matthews Band’.

The Centers for Disease Control reports that tick-borne illness is rising. Jennifer Slone, a librarian in Ohio, nearly died from ehrlichiosis, a bacterial infection from a tick bite. She says that she now tucks her pants in to her socks, her shirt in to to her pants, sprays herself with DEET, and doesn’t get much action on her Tinder profile.

Just 37% of those replying to a Gallup poll said President Trump’s administration has “excellent” or “good” ethical standards – the lowest total of any President in 40 years. Worse, the survey was of coal miners.

Three members of the NFL New York Giants equipment staff have been fired for involvement in a lawsuit pertaining to phony Eli Manning memorabilia. Manning himself is alleged to have emailed one of them in 2010 to find “2 helmets that can pass as game used”; but, as you might expect from Manning, the email was intercepted.

Amazon confirmed a Portland, Oregon woman’s report that one of their Amazon Echo personal assistant/speakers recorded a random conversation about ‘hardwood floors’ and emailed it to a friend. They explained that Alexa heard the woman say ‘hard wood’ and assumed the guy she was sleeping with would want to know.

An eight-person jury in in San Jose, California ordered Samsung to pay Apple $539 million for copying some of iPhone’s features. Apple CEO Tim Cook handed each of the jurors an envelope, telling them to ‘get themselves something nice’, before adding the rest of the money to the gigantic pile.