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Netflix is phasing out its $11.99 Basic plan. Soon you’ll no longer be able to Netflix & Chill with a Basic bitch.

Joe Biden dropped out of the Presidential Race and will no longer seek reelection. He will, however, serve out the remainder of his term and continue to receive Secret Service protection from his dogs.

Cardi B. expressed excitement at the possibility of VP Kamala Harris being elected, saying she was sick of having a WAP – White Ass President.

Donald Trump said he was saved “by luck or by God” in his recent assassination attempt. “Definitely luck”, said God.

JD Vance’s wife, Usha, is the target of racist banter because of her Indian heritage. Donald Trump defended her, saying he’ll happily let her occupy Vice Presidential living quarters depending on how her credit report looks.

Israel President Benjamin Netanyahu is visiting Washington, and said his country will remain an ally of the U.S. no matter who replaces Biden, so long as they’re cool with bombing civilians in hospitals.

Delta Airlines cancelled more flights as it struggles to recover from the Microsoft/Crowdstrike outage. Meanwhile Spirit Airlines said they’re running at a full schedule with drunken cheapskate passengers pummelling each other in Crowdstrikes over armrests and whatnot.

Cuba said one million citizens left the country in the past two years. They also said there’s a nationwide shortage of tires because they’re all being used to make rafts to leave Cuba.

By the end of the week, all NFL players will be expected to report to their team’s Training Camp, or to the remaining dates of Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour.

A Nigerian man played mobile game Dream League Soccer 2023 for 75 consecutive hours, setting a new Guinness World Record. Observers called it every bit as exciting as watching real-life soccer.

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A woman known only as Kait, who flashed her breasts at an Edmonton Oilers playoff hockey game, signed with Playboy, where she’s expected to inspire a lot of high sticking.

Donald Trump said he wants UFC fighters to battle migrants. For their part, the migrants want to know what they’ll get paid for the fight.

Israeli President Benjamin Netanyahu said the “intense” part of the war with Hamas will end soon, shifting to a more “casual” phase of killing civilians and children.

Climate protesters with smoke grenades charged the 18th green at the Travelers Open golf tourney. They were arrested and taken to a local jail where they were told to “get in the hole”.

Retired Denver Broncos lineman-turned-broadcaster Mark Schlereth called retired New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, 72, a “pig” for dating 23-year-old Jordan Hudson. Asked for comment, Belichick said “oink” as he removed Hudson’s clothes.

A new study finds the number of Americans with a “poor diet” dropped from 49% in 1999 to 37% in 2020. Conversely, the number of Americans considered “poor” and “on a diet” doubled over the same span.

The late Alex Trebek will appear on a Forever postage stamp. Post office customers will tackle the category U.S. Geography and be required to point to the state on the map where they’re mailing the letter.

Severe storms caused dozens of flight delays at Philadelphia International Airport, leaving travelers stranded and angry, and baggage handlers well-rested.

Research from Cornell University finds couples are more likely to discuss financial problems if they feel the problem is solvable. Couples who think the problem is unsolvable are more likely to discuss which one of them buys the lottery tickets.

‘House of the Dragon’ star Olivia Cooke wants to know why her orgasm was cut from a sex scene in Episode 2, Season 2. So does the dragon.

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1 in 10 teens worldwide have used over-the-counter diet pills or another ineffective weight loss method. The other 9 are good at using photo filters on their phone.

Bill Belichick and the New England Patriots are parting ways after 24 seasons. This decision is killing owner Robert Kraft, who was hoping for a happy ending.

Chris Christie is ending his Presidential campaign. Christie had plenty of money for campaign ads, but the cost of jet fuel and catering crippled his budget.

GOP candidate Nikki Haley said people in their 20s should expect to work into their 70s because she’d raise the qualifying age for Social Security. Americans in their 20s took this to mean they get the next 40 or 50 years off.

Dead comedian George Carlin was ‘brought back to life’ in a new special generated by artificial intelligence. A new Larry the Cable Guy special is also planned, generated by an authentic lack of intelligence.

Hard seltzer maker White Claw introduced a zero-alcohol version, De-Clawed.

The National Football League announced which teams will play international games next season. The Jacksonville Jaguars filed a formal objection to the league’s plans to their scheduled home game in Gaza.

Aaron Rodgers will no longer appear on ESPN’s The Pat McAfee Show for the foreseeable future. In order to dial down the controversy, Rodgers’ regularly-scheduled segment on Tuesdays will now feature InfoWars Alex Jones.

Amy Schumer shared a ‘racy’ topless selfie with “40 extra pounds”. No word on what other comedian she took the 40 pounds from.

Gen Z’ers are going on social media to say they’re “resetting” their virginity. Boomers are saying they already did it years ago.

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A large hole blew open in the passenger cabin of an Alaska Airlines jet mid-flight, sucking off the shirt of a boy seated nearby. It’s the first time a boy’s clothing has been sucked off in-flight since the Vatican’s annual Altar Boys Trip to Greece.

Following the incident, Alaska Airlines grounded its fleet of Boeing 737 Max 9 jets. Spirit Airlines emailed to ask if they were selling them and for how much.

A woman was found dead in South Philadelphia, impaled on an iron gate outside the Xfinity Live! sports bar. Her friends reportedly asked her to go with them to a different bar, but she was on the fence.

Following the firing of Head Coach Ron Rivera, Washington Commanders owner Josh Jacobs assembled an advisory group to guide team decisions, including Magic Johnson. Johnson told Jacobs to sign six kickers so they can make more 3-pointers.

Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin failed to notify the White House when he was hospitalized in intensive care on December 22nd. Austin apologized, but said with wars in Ukraine and Gaza, he didn’t want to drop another bomb on Joe Biden so close to Christmas.

Low-carb diets may not lead to weight loss, according to a new study published in the Journal of the American Medical Association and funded by The Grimace Institute.

After two days, rescuers successfully reached tourists & guides stuck in Slovenia’s Krizna Jama cave – which dropped 30 spots on Trip Advisor’s list of ‘Fun Things To Do In Slovenia’.

A group of dietitians released a list of the best foods to eat if you want healthy hair. Topping the list was the Chipotle Burrito Bowl, which contained the highest amount of healthy hair.

Pro-Palestinian protetors blocked traffic at three New York City bridges and the Holland Tunnel – to the delight of drivers getting extra time to text and scroll Instagram.

A Las Vegas felon – who went viral for diving over a judge’s bench & attacking her -will appear before her again. Added precautions are in place; the man will be handcuffed, and the trampoline in front of the bench will be removed.

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Pope Francis approved blessings of same-sex couples, so long as the couples don’t confuse the blessing with the sacrament of marriage, and as long as he’s one-half of the couple.

She was fired as host of Jeopardy! Who is Mayim Bialik?

Home prices dropped more than 10% in the past year in San Francisco and Austin. If this trend continues, Gen Z buyers in those cities will qualify for a 30-year mortgage when they’re 63.

Pittsburgh’s U.S. Steel is being acquired by Japan’s Nippon Steel for $14 Billion. The NFL’s Pittsburgh Steelers will now be the Pittsburgh Steerers.

Israeli Defense Force soldiers claim to have found the largest Hamas tunnel in Gaza. It’s so big it has three Hamas EZ Pass lanes.

Microsoft Word is being criticized for its “inclusivity checker” feature, and for Clippy the Clip’s return to remind you of its preferred pronouns.

A new study finds that the average American eats the daily caloric equivalent of a fourth meal comprised entirely of junk food. Study authors can’t decide whether to call it Arbreakfast, McLunch, or Dinner Bell.

LGBT lawmakers in New York State want to ban Chick-fil-A from rest stops on the New York State Thruway. They’re evaluating suitable alternatives after finding out Popeye and Roy Rogers weren’t that crazy about gay people either.

Rapper Blueface threw a female fan off the stage during a performance in Utah, then told his rapper/fiance/co-performer Jaidyn to beat her up. The woman was safely escorted out by security, then resigned as Preaident of the Blueface Fan Club.

Kendall Jenner and Bad Bunny are reportedly no longer a couple. It may be the first time a supermodel has been dumped by a Playboy Bunny.

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Israeli troops raided Gaza’s largest hospital, which, they claim, is being used as a headquarters by Hamas terrorists. Patients are also hoping they can do something about the food.

A mother who named her infant son Semen before moving to the U.S. asked for new name suggestions on Reddit. She received thousands of replies with alternate names, and a handful of replies from gay guys and women saying they really liked Semen.

Patients born with abnormally high cholesterol have shown improvements through the use of gene editing. They just need to be okay with skinny genes.

A Boeing 747 jet flying from New York’s JFK airport to Belgium had to turn around after a horse got loose in the cargo hold. The horse was also angry about being refused an upgrade.

PGA golf tour officials are finalizing negotiations for a merger with the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. Talks have been contentious, but so far no PGA executives have lost their head.

A New York landlord stabbed three tenants to death over their failure to pay rent. He was visited in jail by his attorney, and 50 applicants for the apartment.

Will Smith denies allegations he had sex with a man, yelling he kept that thing outta his mouth.

K-pop all-girl group BabyMonster announced that Hyeon has left the group to focus on her health and well-being, leaving Asa, Chiquita, Haram, Rora, Pharita and Ruka as the remaining members. “Wait, which of us left again?” they asked each other.

OnlyFans model Danii Banks was kicked out of Allegiant Stadium for flashing her bare breasts during the Las Vegas Raiders/New York Jets matchup. Security guards also considered a harsher punishment – forcing her to watch the rest of the game.

Jason & Travis Kelce teamed up to record a Christmas song, Fairytale of Philadelphia, for the Phildelphia Eagles charity album. After talking to a friend about how much he was getting paid, one of them rerecorded Fairytale of Philadelphia (Travis’ Version).