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A Texas man reclaimed his Guinness World Record by going skydiving at 106 years, 327 days old. He was awarded records for oldest skydiver, and oldest person to shit their pants in midair.

Actor Jaleel White, famous as nerd Steve Urkel on 90s sitcom ‘Family Matters’, got married in Los Angeles, before a live audience .. who were required to stick around for the wedding of another unemployed actor from 90s sitcom ‘Step By Step’.

Justin and Hailey Bieber announced they’re having a baby. Drake and Kendrick Lamar traded diss tracks arguing about what they should name it.

Actor Michael Douglas believes intimacy coordinators – who oversee sex scenes on film & tv productions – aren’t necessary, and that male actors should “take responsibility” during filming. Douglas is 79 years old and his sex scenes require a CPR coordinator.

A Virginia school board voted to restore Confederate names honoring Generals Stonewall Jackson and Turner Ashby to a high school and elementary school after those names were banned years ago. The name change could cost six figures, but the school board is hoping to find slaves to do the work for free.

The Senate passed a reauthorization bill for the Federal Aviation Administration, approving billions for airline safety, including money to paint warning labels on the side of every Boeing passenger aircraft.

The new NHL team in Salt Lake City, Utah revealed a list of 20 names under consideration following their relocation from Arizona. Although Polygamists, Teen Grooms and Cult Leaders probably won’t make the final cut.

NBA Dallas Mavericks Luka Doncic’s postgame press conference was interrupted by ‘sex noises’ coming from someone’s phone. Doncic laughed it off, adding that most NBA players don’t hear sex noises until at least 10 minutes after they’ve showered.

MIT researchers created a hair-thin curtain made of electrified silk capable of blocking noise transmission in a large room. Then they hung the curtain so they could have sex in the lab without the scientists on the other side hearing it.

A motorized Radio Flyer red wagon the size of an SUV is being put up for auction. It’s described as 100% street legal, unless you’re a toddler driving it under the influence of too many Capri Suns.

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Britney Spears is reportedly working on new music for the first time in six years. She’s struggling to rhyme ‘conservatorship’.

Alcohol-related deaths increased 25% during the pandemic – and 90% in households where in-laws moved in.

A Los Angeles driver sent a rented Tesla Model S airborne at a steep intersection, crashing into parked cars before fleeing on foot. Police are offering a reward for information leading to the capture of Elon Knelon.

‘Maury‘ is ending after 30 years. Povich’s wife Connie Chung looks forward to a dinner conversation that isn’t about pregnant single women.

Kanye West’s Grammy performance was cancelled by producers, citing his “concerning online behavior” and “music that threatens the life of his ex-wife’s boyfriend”.

The Cleveland Browns claim they did “extensive research” before acquiring accused sex criminal Deshaun Watson in a trade. As a result of their research, some of the women accusing Watson are now also suing Cleveland Browns personnel execs.

Applebee’s claims they want to be “more like McDonald’s and less like Olive Garden”. Either way, someone is gonna be disappointed on Mother’s Day.

Equifax, Experian & TransUnion credit reporting agencies say they’ll remove medical debt from credit reports. Since then, they’ve been inundated with requests from people with lousy credit scores saying they went to med school at University of Phoenix.

Dating app company Match Group launched Stir, a dating app for single parents. There’s a free version, and a Premium version that costs $89.99 of your child support money.

Justin Bieber’s wife, Hailey, was briefly hospitalized for evaluation of a brain condition – unrelated to extended conversations with Justin Bieber.

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Three women were arrested after attacking Spirit Airlines employees at Ft. Lauderdale Airport after being told their flight to Philadelphia was delayed. A spokesman said Spirit Airlines is there to dish out abuse, not take it.

11 Major League Baseball umpires have opted out of working the upcoming season. Managers will use “spring training” games to practice yelling at and kicking dirt on to their robot replacements.

A nationwide coin shortage continues to cripple segments of the economy, with thousands of gumball machines declaring bankruptcy.

Google is working on a smart ‘house mouse’. It’s a handheld device you point at things in your smart home to control them, but it can’t mute the story about your spouse’s trip to the grocery store.

High-profile Twitter accounts like Barack Obama, Joe Biden and others were hacked, posting messages asking for donations in Bitcoin. No suspects have been identified, but subsequent messages sent coupon codes for Goya products.

The company formerly known as Chrysler will now be known as Stellantis. Vehicle models will still be called Chrysler’s, so owners don’t have to say “my Stellantis won’t start.”

Chipotle is planning to hire 10,000 new employees as they fast-track the construction of drive-thrus with mortar made from their queso nobody likes.

Machine Gun Kelly said that new girlfriend Megan Kelly has ‘the most beautiful feet that exist’. In fact, he said it twice, but could only be understood the second time after he pulled a foot out of his mouth.

Hailey Bieber apologized to a former restaurant hostess, who rated her a 4 out of 10 in terms of being nice. Bieber regretted her ‘negative vibes’ and said she hopes she and hostess can meet again, but they won’t, because she’s rich and famous.

Joanna Cole, author of the ‘Magic School Bus’ books, died at age 75, and will now ride in not-so-magic vehicles.

 

 

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Russian long-jump silver medalist Darya Klishina revealed she was offered $300,000 a month to become an escort. Klishina declined the offer, and the guy said he’d try his luck with the pole vaulters.

Classic video game Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater will be rereleased and feature the skate pros at their current ages. The boards will have walkers on the front of them.

At age 13, Isabella Rose Taylor became the youngest fashion designer to have a clothing line at Nordstrom. She’s so young, any guy caught removing one of her dresses from a date faced felony charges.

Ikea released designs for making forts out of their furniture and accessories, leading to dozens of parents suing Ikea after the forts fell on their kids.

Actress and married mom Megan Fox was spotted riding in a car with rapper Machine Gun Kelly, leading to speculation she may be leaving her husband, Beverly Hills 90210 actor Brian Austin Pea Shooter Green.

A man drove 600 miles from Olympia, Washington to Sacramento, California to get a haircut. By the time he arrived home, he was back on the road for a trim.

Justin Bieber said he wishes he “saved himself” for his wife, Hailey Bieber – but admits that he “spent himself” a thousand or so times.

Buffalo Bills draft pick A.J. Epenesa, a defensive lineman out of Iowa, said that “Buffalo is a lot like Iowa”…insulting both Buffalo, and Iowa.

The NFL is considering awarding improved draft position to teams that hire minority coaching candidates. All 32 teams responded by promoting black athletes to Player/Coach.

PGA superstar Rory McIlroy said that he won’t play golf with Donald Trump again. Trump immediately replied that McIlroy is just angry because he lost.

 

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Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday.