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A new study finds plant-based diets are best for lowering the risk of heart disease, while elevating the risk of your friends not asking you to go out to dinner with them anymore.

Mattel will honor 9 star female athletes by creating Barbies in their image, And they’ll have a bonus 2-for-1 Bruce/Caitlyn Jenner Ken/Barbie value pack.

A Domino’s franchisee in Bethlehem, PA will spend one year in jail and pay $2.5 million in restitution for tax crimes. Meanwhile a judge will schedule his hearing on pizza crimes.

A 12-time DUI offender was sentenced to 11 years in prison. Although he’s eligible to have it reduced to 10 1/2 years if he completes a Defensive Driving course.

A California woman was fined $88,000 after her children illegally harvested 72 clams from Pismo Beach. The fine was eventually reduced to $500, but she was still steamed.

Lebron James called for a change to the NBA’s challenge rules for foul calls, calling for coaches to get a third challenge after two successful challenges, and calling for any play that involves Lebron to be reviewed at Lebron’s request.

A new poll finds two-thirds of Americans are concerned about possble violence following the 2024 elections. The other third are pretty busy planning the violence.

The Department of Justice is suing to break up Live Nation/Ticketmaster, saying they’re using monopoly power to unfairly influence the ticketing business. The DOJ is planning to serve the lawsuit but are currently 20th in the queue with an estimated wait time of 15 minutes.

The Bachelorette alum Ryan Suter is addressing rumors that his wife Trista – the first ‘Bachelorette’ – had died. Ryan said she’s alive, and he can prove it because ABC hasn’t offered him a 12-episode deal as The Widower Bachelor.

WNBA rookie superstar Caitlin Clark’s popularity is about ‘white privilege’ and ‘pretty privilege’ according to The View co-host Sunny Hostin, who couldn’t drain a three to save her life.

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Barron Trump turned 18. As he opened birthday cards, representatives from Jean Carroll & the New York State Attorney General’s office were on hand to seize the money.

Chips Ahoy announced they’re upgrading the chips, to make them even closer to actual chocolate.

Deloitte’s Digital Trends Survey claims the average American household spends $61 monthly on 4 streaming services, and $79 on internet service to buffer all of them.

A man snapped a photo of a passenger’s boarding pass and illegally boarded a Delta Airlines flight, but was caught hiding in the lavatory before takeoff. He was removed and arrested, and Delta assigned a different standby passenger to the toilet seat.

Taking calcium & vitamin D together may lower the risk of cancer, but raise the risk of heart disease, according to new research published in medical journal ‘Damned If You Do; Damned If You Don’t.’

New video shows January 6th rioters working before dawn to construct a gallows and noose near the Capitol to hang Mike Pence. Those involved face charges of insurrection, terroristic threats, and failure to secure a building permit.

A pig kidney was transplanted to a human recipient for the first time – raising questions about how the pig signed up for the National Organ Donor Registry.

Paroled Ronald Reagan assassin John Hinckley, Jr. says ‘cancel culture’ is hurting his music career after a venue postponed his planned show on the 43rd anniversary of the shooting. The venue said customers weren’t in favor of the show, and Hinckley’s KC & the Sunshine Band covers aren’t that great anyway.

A woman’s Planet Fitness membership was revoked for taking a photo of a person who identifed as queer shaving their face in the womens locker room. Others took note and started snapping locker room pics since it’s the fastest way to cancel their membership.

The latest dangerous viral trend is teenagers snorting nutmeg. Apparently it gives a brief minutes-long high, with the added benefit of their farts smelling like Thanksgiving desserts.

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Jim Carrey condemned the standing ovation given to Will Smith as he accepted his Best Actor Oscar. Insiders predict Carrey’s outspoken stance will almost certainly cost him an Oscar nomination for his role as Dr. Robotnik in Sonic The Hedgehog 2.

Bassist Nikki Sixx said Motley Crue – whose Stadium Tour starts in 10 weeks – haven’t rehearsed together in nine years. He added that lead singer Vince Neil hasn’t sung every word of a song in 30 years.

A former Yale University employee sold $40 million worth of electronics and kept the money, buying luxury cars, real estate, travel, and tuition at University of Phoenix.

Dyson unveiled the ‘Dyson Zone’, headphones with a built-in air purifier for your nose and mouth. It’s for people who like to listen to e*books or music when they use the bathroom at Indian restaurants.

The World Health Organization is investigating hearing problems linked to COVID vaccines. But since COVID already knocked out victims’ taste & smell, they’re less concerned about not hearing farts.

A new study links avocado consumption to a lower risk of heart disease, but researchers warn that it’s still a bad idea to put guacamole on french fries.

Use of disinfectants by pregnant women may increase the risk that their children have eczema or asthma. Pregnant women are advised to douche with something other than Lysol.

Intelligence officials say the North Korean ICBM launch last week was staged – using an older rocket, not new technology. They made the determination after studying the rocket in the propaganda film and seeing a New Kids On The Block sticker on it.

Experts say Russian claims of withdrawal from major Ukrainian cities are false. Their opinions are echoed by Russian hookers, who say they, too, have been misled by Vladimir Putin saying he’ll pull out.

Brooklyn traffic cop Ranjeet Singh is being praised for viral video showing him dancing like Michael Jackson while working busy intersections. Although parents tell their kids to walk a block up the street so they don’t cross near him.

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City College of New York received an anonymous cash donation of $180,000, mailed in a plain cardboard box in 2020 by an alum from Florida who, in a note, wrote they received a CCNY masters in physics, then PhDs in physics and astronomy, but never learned how checking accounts work.

Kimberly Bryant, the founder of Black Girls Code – a non-profit teaching tech skills to young women – was removed as head of the organization amidst ‘allegations of workplace impropriety’. Bryant will transition to her new venture, Black Girls Hooking Up At The Office.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers QB Tom Brady said the low hit that resulted in a season-ending knee injury to WR Chris Godwin should be removed from football – along with any low hits, torso hits, shoulder hits, head hits, and dirty looks directed at Tom Brady.

Saturday Night Live co-creator Lorne Michaels is rumored to be leaving the show in 2024, to focus on Saturday Night Off.

A viral TikTok shows a Dunkin Donuts worker filling an order for coffee with butter in it. The coffee was hard to drink because the customer wanted the butter on top of an everything bagel.

An advertising billionaire left the Mormon church over their stance on LGBTQ rights, saying he thinks gay guys should also be allowed to have six spouses.

The defense rested in the Ghislaine Maxwell trial, with Maxwell’s lawyers saying they really could use a massage after all that standing.

COVID-19 was the third-highest cause of death in the U.S. in 2020, trailing heart disease & cancer. Congressional Republicans introduced legislation to ensure Americans have the right to consume saturated fats and nicotine.

Pete Davidson spent the night at Kim Kardashian’s NYC hotel. Speculation mounted that the two enjoyed reverse-cowgirl sex, as Davidson left the hotel for a hospital, where x-rays revealed several cracked ribs.

Rapper Cardi B gifted husband Offset with a $2 million check at his 30th birthday party. Or, as Offset calls it, two months’ child support.

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Obesity has been linked to infertility in women – leading guys who dislike condoms to reconsider their attitudes regarding “bigger chicks”.

Simon Gallup, longtime bassist for goth rockers The Cure, announced he’s leaving the band because he’s “fed up with betrayal”. And, fed up with having to have black hair.

The U.S. first daytime drive-in movie theater opened in Tennessee, featuring a gigantic LED screen. Sadly, a dozen kids died in hot cars watching a matinee.

Officials seized thousands of counterfeit golf clubs made in China. “Well that explains it” said terrible golfers who still suck after buying new clubs.

Joe Biden stands by his decision to pull out of Afghanistan, while Donald Trump stands by his decision to stay in Stormy Daniels.

A new study claims plant-based diets are the best way to avoid heart disease. “What’s the second-best way?” asked Americans.

Texas became the first state to make buying sex a felony. Owners are busy changing the sign to ‘The Best Little Accupressure Therapy House In Texas’.

The first ever Colorado River water shortage was declared. Production of Coors Light beer remains unimpacted, thanks to their strategic reserves of animal piss.

Britney Spears posted a gallery of topless photos on Instagram. “Damn” said Kevin Federline during his break at Big Lots.

The NFL Jacksonville Jaguars cut Tim Tebow, who attempted to reboot his career by moving from quarterback to tight end – this, before the Jaguars made him a loose end.

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The World Health Organization reports that, by the end of the century, cancer will be the Number One cause of death globally — causing a huge sigh of relief from obese people with heart disease who misunderstood the report.

The 27th season cast of  ABC’s ‘Dancing With The Stars was revealed on Tuesday morning, including Bobby Bones; Tinashe; & ‘Grocery Store Joe’.  ABC also announced that for season 28, the show’s name will be changed to ‘Dancing With Whoever’s Left’.

President Trump called the U.S.’ disaster relief response to Hurricane Maria in Puerto Rico – where over 2,900 residents died – an ‘unsung success’. A day later, the President clarified that thousands of people would have sung about the great care they received, but they were dead.

Nancy Crampton-Brophy, a romance/suspense novelist who once wrote an essay entitled ‘How To Murder Your Husband’, was arrested and charged with killing her husband. Her defense attorney declined comment, but said privately that “you really need to admire her follow-through.”

Rapper/actor Bow Wow, commenting in the wake of the overdose death of rapper Mac Miller, admitted his past addiction to cough syrup. Bow Wow said that he drank ‘lean’ – a combination of promethazine/codeine-based syrup and soft drinks – every day, adding that he was originally prescribed the drugs for a severe kennel cough.

A study on Bankrate.com revealed that the lowest-income U.S. households spend $412 annually on lottery tickets, nearly four times the national average of $105. The same study reveals that persons living in these poor households are also four times more likely to contract carpal scratch-off syndrome.

Microsoft announced its Windows 10 operating system updates for October. The ‘Snipping Tool’ for screengrabs is being phased out, replaced by ‘Snip & Sketch’. CEO Satya Nadella praised the move, saying it saves users having to open a second program to draw penises on the faces captured onscreen.

Reverend Christian Ohazulume, a Roman Catholic priest, has been charged with sexually assaulting a young girl while staying in her family’s home in 2006.  Reached at the Vatican for comment, Pope Francis said “Girl? That’s different.”

Kim Kardashian’s new prank show, ‘You Kiddin’ Me?’, debuts on Facebook Live on September 22nd. The show displays the Kardashian/Jenner family playing practical jokes on each other while your personal data is stolen and sold.

Limp Bizkit frontman Fred Durst filed for divorce from his wife of six years, Kseniya. Durst cited irreconcilable differences, specifically, the inability to do it all for the nookie.