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Justin Timberlake was arrested and charged with driving while intoxicated in The Hamptons. Timberlake was unaware there’s been a sobriety checkpoint at the end of Billy Joel’s driveway for the last 35 years.

Today marks Juneteenth – when word of the Emancipation Proclamation resulted in the freedom of enslaved blacks. In 2024, several Abe Lincoln impersonators were hospitalized after marching down the streets of large cities holding banners reading “You’re Welcome!”.

Philadelphia convenience store chain Wawa rolled out its annual Hoagiefest promotion, with retired Eagles All-Pro Jason Kelce & wife serving as spokespersons. They share their ‘go-to’ Wawa hoagie order, which they give to the homeless so they don’t have to eat it.

Massachusetts experienced a statewide 911 outage. The timing couldn’t have been worse as first responders were unable to treat drunks falling off tables and light poles celebrating the Boston Celtics NBA Championship.

With record heat expected to continue throughout the summer, electric bills are projected to increase by 8 percent. Spousal brawls over the thermostat are projected to increase 80 percent.

Russia and North Korea entered a mutual defense pact, with Russia promising to assist in the event another country invades North Korea to steal their poverty and nothingness.

Tropical storm warnings were extended in to Texas. Waves will reach near-record highs, so immigrants entering the state illegally are advised to try surfboards.

During a recent Rolling Stones tour stop in Philadelphia, frontman Mick Jagger explored the city, spending 20 confused minutes at a cheesesteak shop saying “what do you mean ‘wit’ mate?”

In Bensalem, Pennsylvania, six volunteer fire companies are consolidating – setting the stage for what could be the world’s largest-ever pancake breakfast and chicken barbecue.

Billy Ray Cyrus shared an alleged handwritten note from his estranged wife, Firerose, where she asks for a reconciliation just days after accusing him of verbal & emotional abuse. Cyrus refused, claiming to be both too achy and too breaky.

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Congress approved a bill to make Juneteenth – June 19th, a day marking the end of slavery – a federal holiday, as multiple Republicans tried, and failed, to do the same for Jansixth.

Gay soccer star Megan Rapinoe was hired to promote Victoria’s Secret as part of their rebrand – so now we all know what Victoria’s secret was.

The Philadelphia 76ers blew a 20-point lead for the second straight time, losing to the Atlanta Hawks in Game 5 of their playoff series. Philadelphia fans threw batteries at the team, then the Sixers threw them back and missed.

Southern Baptists elected Ed Litton as their conference President, who’s viewed as a ‘centrist’ because he promotes racial justice, while still hating queers.

Angelina Jolie reportedly got a ‘meaningful new tattoo’ – which reminds her what all of her other, less meaningful, tattoos are supposed to mean.

Fishermen near New Jersey’s Seaside Heights Pier caught a great white shark, which was then won by a kid playing a ring toss game.

The world’s third-largest diamond was reportedly unearthed near Botswana. Google suffered a brief outage as all the world’s rappers and the Kardashian family simultaneously searched ‘Where Is Botswana’?

Asked about privacy in a new interview, Apple CEO Tim Cook called it “a fundamental human right”. Asked about more durable glass on iPhones, Cook called it “a much lower priority than privacy”.

Microsoft Teams is doubling the maximum number of on-screen videoconference participants from 49 to 98. This makes it more likely you can see video of CNN’s Jeffrey Toobin masturbating, but tougher to actually tell what he’s doing.

Ricky Schroder protested outside a Foo Fighters concert in Agoura Hills, California, because attendance required proof of vaccination. Schroeder then left for a Toby Keith concert which required proof of gun ownership and dropping out of junior high.