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President Trump will visit North Carolina to assess the damage from Hurricane Florence; shares of Procter & Gamble – maker of Bounty paper towels – were up in early trading.

Denise Mueller-Korenek broke the world speed record for riding a bicycle at 183.93 miles per hour. She achieved the feat being towed behind a race car, then detaching and operating the pedals herself. Her ride ended when she ran into the opened door of the race car.

North Korea said it would close a key missile test facility and shut down its primary nuclear complex if the United States agrees to corresponding measures. “You got it, Kim!” said Defense Secretary James Mattis with his fingers crossed behind his back.

Brady Bunch actress Maureen McCormick talked to Us Weekly about her battles with drug addiction, saying her Mom & Dad almost had her arrested because it had gotten so bad. They didn’t because McCormick’s future husband gave her an ultimatum to get clean, and because Mom & Dad were busy planning a trip to Hawaii.

In a new book about New England Patriots coach Bill Belichick, author Ian O’Connor claims that then-University of Florida coach Urban Meyer warned Belichick not to draft Aaron Hernandez because of his propensity to lie and smoke pot. Hernandez went on to be convicted for murder, leading Meyer to say “oh, that too.”

Identical twin sisters Jalynne April Crawford and Janelle Ann Leopoldo gave birth to sons on the same day at the same hospital. The sisters thanked God, and the hospital’s 2-for-1 c-section Groupon.

Stormy Daniels is releasing a new tell-all book in which she claims that Donald Trump has “a d— that looks like the mushroom character in Mario Kart.” Trump has repeatedly denied sticking his Toad into her Mushroom Gorge.

Online gaming platform Steam debuted its first hardcore porn game, an anime visual novel titled ‘Negligee: Love Stories’. The object of the game is to make sexual choices as one of four female characters, and to shut it off as quickly as you can when your mom enters the room.

September 19th is International Talk Like A Pirate Day — not to be confused with International Act Like a Pirate Day, when you can murder people and steal their boat.

The Insurance Institute for Highway Safety released its list of the 25 Most Expensive Cars to Insure in the U.S. Topping the list? The all-electric Tesla Model S. The Model S has a high collision-repair cost, and a high comprehensive claim rate due to owners pumping gasoline in to the plug.

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Actress Dawn Wells – Mary Ann from ‘Gilligan’s Island’ – is $200k in debt. Her friends started a GoFundMe to help the actress pay medical bills and recover money she lost from bad investments, like funding the Professor’s coconut-powered furnace.

Actor Geoffrey Owens from The Cosby Show – whose story went viral after he was spotted working at a Trader Joe’s – has been offered work by filmmaker Tyler Perry on a show for the Oprah Winfrey Network. Owens has yet to respond, but is reportedly disappointed at not being cast in Perry’s other project, ‘Madea Goes to Trader Joe’s.’

30 more people have reportedly become ill from salmonella-contaminated boxes of Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal. The Centers for Disease Control have expanded the cereal’s recall – purchasers are asked to return boxes with specific date codes, and that feature Dig ‘Em the Frog’s cartoon cousin, Puke ‘Em.

Viral video is circulating from a kid’s birthday party in Baton Rouge, where someone in a Minnie Mouse costume teaches kids to twerk while hip-hop songs play, including ‘Show Me How You Ride That D**k’.  The video shows the kids having a great time, but cuts out before Goofy makes it rain and Daisy Duck puts ’em on the glass.

Kim Kardashian visited the White House again to discuss prison reform and the release of Chris Young, jailed for life on non-violent drug charges. President Trump quickly got bored, stared at Kim’s chest and asked if she was interested in releasing two other prisoners.

The New York Times published an anonymous letter from someone claiming to be a senior Trump Administration official, alleging to work with other insiders to resist Trump’s agenda from the inside. Speculation abounds as to the author’s identity, with many insisting it’s the White House cleaning lady hiding the tv remote so Trump can’t watch Fox News.

Domino’s Pizza in Russia offered 100 free pizzas a year for life if followers tattooed the Domino’s logo on their body and shared it on social media. Domino’s halted the promo due to overwhelming response, proving Russia has a serious problem with bad pizza and bad tattoos.

According to dating website Match, singles in San Antonio, Atlanta and Baltimore spend the most money on dating every year, from $2,200-$2500.  That includes food, entertainment and, in Baltimore’s case, self-defense classes & weaponry.

7000 insects, spiders and lizards were reported missing from the Philadelphia Insectarium and Butterfly Pavilion. No one knows what happened to the creatures, but the rats occupying a neighboring cheesesteak restaurant have reportedly hired lawyers.

Dunkin Donuts apologized for sending Philadelphia Eagles cups to New England-area stores, instead of the New England Patriots cups those stores usually get. No word on whether they’ll apologize for the beverages that they put in the cups.

 

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New England Patriots QB Tom Brady is trying out a new helmet, since his old model is being phased out by the NFL for not offering sufficient protection. The new helmet has a protective panel in front – if an opposing player creates a breeze near it, the yellow flag automatically flies out of the referee’s pocket.

Aerosmith’s Steven Tyler has issued a cease & desist letter to President Trump’s attorneys, demanding that Aerosmith songs no longer be played at the President’s rallies – as was the case this week in West Virginia, when ‘Livin On the Edge’ played before the event. Kid Rock said Trump could use his music – but attendees begged Trump not to.

Three men in Clearfield County, Pennsylvania are accused of sexually abusing dogs, horses, a cow and a goat more than 1,000 times. Authorities confiscated a “large volume of homemade videos” — along with a giant stash of peanut butter, several bottles of Polo cologne, and size XXXXXXL lingerie.

Students at Harriman Middle School in Tennessee started the school year by leaving brightly-colored notes with positive messages all around the school. Notes say things like “if you believe it or not, someone loves you”; “never give up – stay strong”; & “here’s a map with the fastest way out of Tennessee.”

A Harvard professor’s video calling coconut oil “pure poison” has gone viral. Coconut oil has a higher concentration of saturated fat than butter, beef fat or pork lard. The Harvard findings were disputed by The Professor on Gilligan’s Island, who claims coconut oil is necessary for survival.

Netflix will debut a new game show, ‘Flinch’, where contestants must follow one simple rule: do not flinch. So far, all of the contestants have been eliminated after being shown the first few minutes of Amy Schumer: The Leather Special.

A Democratic congressman from Texas has called for President Trump to resign or be impeached. “This is a sad time for our country” said Representative Al Green. His words were rebutted by a Republican congressman, who told Al Green “let’s stay together”.

Vidanta, a collection of premier destination resorts across Mexico, is offering a $120,000/year job to a lucky applicant to be their Brand Ambassador. A spokesman said the selected applicant will “immerse themselves in each of our resort destinations”. Candidates who ace the interview will also be asked to fly home with several condoms full of confectioners sugar in their lower intestine.

Ben Affleck has reportedly checked into rehab for a third time after wife Jennifer Garner staged an intervention. It’s Garner’s first time directing.

Kim Kardashian says she’s “really proud” of her 116-pound figure — adding that since each breast and buttock weighs 30 pounds, she’s had to suck a lot of helium.

 

 

 

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West Virginia’s Governor authorized a 5% pay raise for teachers, tentatively ending a statewide teacher’s strike. The head of West Virginia’s teachers union hailed it as a right goodly return to book learnin’.

Nashville’s Mayor Megan Barry resigned and plead guilty to felony theft of city funds used to pay overtime to the head of her security detail, with whom she was having an affair. “I took money from the city, but you took felony theft of my heart” she sang on an open mic stage surrounded with chicken wire as beer bottles cascaded from the crowd.

The Food and Drug Administration approved 23andMe’s in-home genetic test kit for breast cancer.  However, women are being warned of 36andMe, a scam run by high schoolers saying they’ll run the test for half price after you send them pictures of your breasts.

A Federal Trade Commission study said that millennials are more likely than senior citizens to fall for online scams. A different study said that most online scammers are frustrated because millennials don’t have any money, and senior citizens can’t open the scammers’ emails.

Usher and his wife are separating. Insiders say she asked if he gave herpes to that girl suing him, and he said “Yeah!”.

Actress Rita Moreno attended the 2018 Academy Awards in the same dress she wore in 1962 when she won an Oscar for her performance in West Side Story. She said the biggest surprise was finding a note in the pocket from then-10-year-old Harvey Weinstein telling her to come to his hotel room that night.

President Donald Trump’s top economic adviser Gary Cohn resigned on Wednesday, leaving Melania Trump panicked wondering how much credit she has left on her Neiman Marcus card.

A wild otter attacked a 77-year-old woman kayaking down a Florida river – sending her to the hospital for facial stitches and rabies treatment. Authorities say this is the latest in a series of otter-related Yakjackings.

An Australian woman found the oldest known message in a bottle, dating back nearly 132 years after it was thrown from the German sailing ship ‘Paula’. Historians translated the note, an angry complaint wondering what happened to the pizza they’d ordered via bottle-message several weeks earlier.

New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady discussed the recent Super Bowl defeat on his Facebook show ‘Tom v. Time’, saying the loss was a chance to teach his three kids a valuable lesson about things not always turning out the way you want. He said he talked about it with them as they played Drop in the backyard.

 

 

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Russian President Vladimir Putin gave his annual state of the nation address, and shared an animated video of a new nuclear superweapon – supposedly unstoppable by current intercept systems – striking Florida. The Florida state legislature responded by allocating $100 million to train school teachers to shoot down nuclear missiles.

March 1st was National Peanut Butter Lovers Day, in case you were wondering why you didn’t hear from your single woman friends who own large dogs.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s girlfriend, Ricki Lander, gave birth to a baby last year, although Kraft is not the father. The team would not release the father’s name, but they know who he is after secretly videotaping him at Lander’s Lamaze practice.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development canceled their order for a $31,000 dining room set that had been ordered for Secretary Ben Carson’s office. Carson reportedly ordered a different set, which HUD will own free & clear after just 48 monthly payments to Rent A Center.

Reports surfaced of a shooting at Central Michigan University, which now happens so often in schools that it’s just the fourth-most-important story after the big Nor’Easter, the KFC gravy shortage, and Trump’s tweets about Alec Baldwin.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will extend invitations to 2,600 members of the public into the grounds of Windsor Castle for their wedding on May 19th – as 1,300 men prepare to face the question “Is THAT what you’re wearing?” with an intensity it’s never been asked before.

JCPenney announced that they’re cutting 360 jobs. Then their CEO presented a coupon that gave him another 20% off of headcount.

A report in medical journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery claims that close-up selfies increase the perceived size of your nose by up to 30%. Plastic surgeons advise moving the camera further from your face – advice that young women say is hard to do without the phone hitting the windshield of the car they’re driving.

A drunk New Jersey man blacked out during his Uber ride after a campus party at West Virginia University, and incurred a $1,600 fare because the driver traveled 300 miles to the man’s home in Gloucester, New Jersey. The passenger said it was “insane”, and the driver wasn’t thrilled at having to be in either West Virginia or New Jersey.

President Trump is planning to apply 25% tariffs on imported steel and 10% on aluminum — experts project it will become 15-20% more expensive when a Mississippi housewife finds her husband cheating, gets drunk on beer in aluminum cans and bashes in the steel on his pickup truck with an aluminum baseball bat.

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A new clinical study claims that the Apple Watch can detect diabetes with 85% accuracy, great news for affluent, morbidly obese douchebags.

The City of Philadelphia is closing schools on Thursday to coincide with the Super Bowl Champion Eagles victory parade, as thousands of students line the streets to congratulate the Eagles, and thousands of dropouts line the halls of empty schools to loot them.

Since it snowed in Philadelphia on Wednesday and will continue to stay cold through Thursday, Santa Claus cancelled his appearance in the Eagles parade for his own safety.

Kylie Jenner announced ‘Stormi’ as the name of her newborn daughter, edging out ‘Buy My Baby’s Name.’

Sony announced an update to Playstation 4 software that allows parents to control how much time their children spend playing video games. The update also includes self-defense videos that parents can view to prepare for when their children use up their gaming time and throw controllers at them.

Wynn Resorts CEO and Founder Steve Wynn resigned amid claims of sexual misconduct at his company. Wynn says that he looks forward to pursuing sexual misconduct as a private citizen.

A former Connecticut high school principal and one-time ‘teacher of the year’ was sentenced to two years in prison for taking upskirt videos of young girls at Walmart, Five Below and Disney World. Prior to sentencing, the judge asked why he didn’t just order girls to the principal’s office.

New England Patriots Offensive Coordinator Josh McDaniels backed out of an agreement to become Head Coach of the Indianapolis Colts. It’s rumored that McDaniels may have agreed to someday succeed Bill Belichick as Patriots Head Coach, or that he spent the day after the Super Bowl looking for something fun to do in Indianapolis.

Charlotte Veitner, University of Connecticut women’s field hockey all-time leading scorer, was arrested for shoplifting makeup from the campus bookstore. She was questioned by security as to why a women’s field hockey player would need makeup.

A woman in South Carolina was found outside a church holding her eyeball after intentionally hurting herself. She was subdued by sheriff’s deputies and EMTs, hospitalized, and will star in the movie being made from your Dad’s dirty joke book.

 

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Six people were arrested in Japan for attempting to avoid paying customs taxes by smuggling gold bars in to the country in an airplane toilet. They were arrested as customs officials heard them arguing over who was going to rinse the gold off.

Researchers have discovered the fossil of a 100 million-year-old spider with fangs and a scorpion’s tail. They’re unclear whether it spun webs, or just scared some other spider into doing the work.

A North Carolina father and his biological daughter have been charged with incest after they married and gave birth to a baby boy. The couple face up to 10 years in prison; the baby faces a lifetime of confusion deciding whether to call his mother “Sis” or his father “Grandpa”.

A married Florida couple were charged with child neglect for watching the Super Bowl in a bar while they left their 2-year-old outside in a parked truck — or, as it’s known in Florida, a mobile day care center.

Aaron Traywick, a biohacker attending the BDYHAX convention in Austin, Texas, injected himself with a DIY herpes treatment while on Facebook Live. Traywick claims to have invented a cure for herpes. He won’t say if his vaccine will be available for sale, but as of now, every woman he’s tried to have sex with isn’t buying it.

Apple said that it’s investigating a possible glitch preventing some iPhone X users from answering calls. “Answering what?” said large numbers of iPhone X owners.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed the first state-level net neutrality regulation, saying Internet service providers that do business with the state cannot disrupt New Jerseyans Internet traffic – comprised of tomato sauce recipes, beach traffic reports and GED coursework.

PepsiCo CEO Indira Nooyi said that the company is working on snacks ‘for women’. Nooyi cites company research saying that residue on fingers and the loud crunching noise are two things women dislike in snack chips, and also sex.

Researchers at Yokohama University say that a chemical contained in McDonald’s fries holds the cure for baldness. Opinions are split on the research – with Donald Trump supporting it, while those saying it doesn’t work include Grimace.

White House Advisor Kellyanne Conway has assembled her ‘Opioid Cabinet’ – so named because most everyone on it wants to know how they can overdose and get off of it.

New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski’s house was robbed while he was in Minneapolis for the Super Bowl. Quarterback Tom Brady offered his help, but Foxborough detectives said their job is catching thieves, not dropping them.

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The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots 41-33 to win Super Bowl LII. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney is expected to hold a news conference with details about a citywide victory parade. Meanwhile, Satan, Mayor of Hell, is expected to brief residents with advice on dealing with Sunday night’s freezeover.

The Eagles parade route hasn’t been officially announced, although speculation is that floats will be set ablaze near City Hall, and flipped over on the way to the South Philly stadium complex.

Rebekah Martinez, a 22-year-old woman reported missing from Humboldt County, California, was found as a contestant on ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’. Martinez had told her parents that she was going to work on a marijuana farm, but hadn’t been heard from since leaving home. Her parents are relieved, but ashamed that she didn’t get the job on the marijuana farm.

The makers of Dodge Trucks are being criticized for using a sermon from Martin Luther King, Jr in their Super Bowl Ad. The company stood behind the ad, saying they’ve long admired Dr. King’s “I Have a Ram” speech.

Australian-owned luxury cruise line Scenic Cruises plans to commission its 2nd ship equipped with its own helicopter and submarine. They say the vessels will help affluent travelers get to hard-to-reach exotic locations, and will also help to transport vomiting norovirus victims to the middle of the ocean faster.

MMA fighter Timothy Woods attempted to throw his opponent, Tim Caron, to the mat, but instead landed on his head and knocked himself unconscious for several minutes, losing the bout. Woods also punched himself in a mirror when he woke up, losing the rematch.

Ray Lewis was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, joining O.J. Simpson in the Acquitted Double Murderer wing.

Scientists claim to have discovered the first warm-bodied fish. It swims alone because it isn’t very smart and is named Ryan Lochte.

A joint women’s ice hockey team comprised of North and South Koreans played its first pre-Olympic match against a team from Sweden, losing 3-1. The North Korean players hope to improve their execution during the official games, and avoid execution once they arrive home after.

Cape Town, South Africa pushed back ‘Day Zero’ – the estimated day when it exhausts running water – from April 16 to May 11, citing a decrease in agricultural water use and its citizens’ unexpected strength ‘holding it’.

 

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Trade group Calorie Control Council estimates that the average American will consume 3,000 calories on Thanksgiving. It would take a 180-pound person five hours of jogging to burn those calories, or about two years’ worth of visits if they belong to Planet Fitness.

President Trump is officially dissolving his charitable organization, the Trump Foundation, to avoid conflicts of interest. Specifically, the conflict between Trump saying he’s donating to charity and actually doing it.

Subscribers of Dish Network lost access to local CBS stations resulting from a fee dispute between the two companies. Several rural Dish Network customers who hadn’t heard of the dispute fell off their roofs and died trying to fix it.

The New England Patriots defeated the Oakland Raiders 33-8 in the NFL’s annual Mexico City game. Kickoff was delayed because when players emerged from the tunnel, they were standing at the border of Guatemala.

FCC Chairman Ajit Pai introduced a draft order to eliminate net neutrality regulations that prohibit cable & wireless providers from prioritizing or slowing specific content internet content. The move was praised by Comcast, AT&T, Verizon and others, who say customers can trust them to manage their networks fairly, then their CEOs fell on each other in a laughing heap.

CBS and PBS have suspended Charlie Rose amid sexual misconduct allegations from eight women. Rose issued a statement of apology; he offered to read it, but the women didn’t have all day.

Shares of Campbell Soup dropped 7% after the company reported weak earnings, despite adding water to try and stretch them.

British startup bio-bean is teaming with energy companies on a coffee-bean based fuel that will be used in London’s diesel buses. Bio-bean extracts coffee oil from used coffee grounds and mixes it with diesel and other fuels. The founder got the idea after seeing Americans burst in to flames while smoking cigarettes and drinking coffee from Dunkin Donuts.

NerdWallet’s 2017 Consumer Holiday Shopping Report is out, and gift-buying Americans say they’ll spend an average of $660 on stuff their friends & family will do a bad job pretending to like.

  • 24% of Millennials are still carrying holiday debt from 2016, mainly because their parents can’t figure out how to Venmo the money so they can pay it off entirely.

Softbank Robotics is trialing programs at elder care facilities for its Nao robot, which is able to lead seniors in exercise, respond to verbal commands to keep them company, and take their jewelry while they sleep.

 

 

 

 

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1,069 dancing robots in China broke the Guinness world record for synchronized robot dancing. Once they finished, the robots went back to stealing good American jobs.

  • The robots’ parents are disappointed that they chose dancing over a more secure job like building iPads, but the robots’ girlfriends still believe in them.

A woman in Missouri donated more than 1,000 ounces of breast milk to Houston-area families impacted by Hurricane Harvey. She’s been inundated with questions from Dads asking how to get it into their wives’ breasts.

  • “No thanks, I’ll stick with water” said Houston’s homeless single men.

Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign memoir hits stores Tuesday, because Tuesdays are her lucky day of the week.

Disney World is set to reopen on Tuesday, just days after Hurricane Irma passed by Orlando, although some attractions will be closed. Mr. Toad remains shaken after an even wilder ride than he’s used to.

The New England Patriots are already replacing the newly-installed artificial turf at their home field, Gillette Stadium, after losing their first game of the 2017 season playing on it. Players complained that the field was too soft, and the coaching staff was unhappy with the microphones installed on the visitor’s sideline.

YouTube star PewDiePie is under fire for using the n-word while broadcasting a live stream of him while he played a video game. More troubling is that the game is chess.

Apple is expected to debut the first $1,000 iPhones on Tuesday; experts say you should expect to spend 2-3 months salary on an engagement ring or one of the new phones.

China has notified the World Trade Organization that it will ban the import of certain types of solid waste sent from the U.S. The waste includes scrap plastic, unsorted paper, and millions of copies of ‘Trump: The Art of the Deal’.

Miss North Dakota, 23 year-old Cara Mund, was crowned Miss America 2018 on Sunday night in Atlantic City. Mund plans to use the $50,000 scholarship to open a school for her fellow militia members back home.