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President Trump called departed staffer Omarosa a “dog” on Twitter..while Omarosa remained busy fetching tapes of Trump using the n-word on the Apprentice.

At a hackers conference in Las Vegas, an 11-year-old successfully hacked a replica of the Florida Board of Elections database. Fox News subsequently projected SpongeBob SquarePants as the winner of the Governor’s race.

Ikea opened its first store in India – so far, customers are confounded by why the products’ names are spelled incorrectly.

Christine Halliquist is the first transgender gubernatorial nominee, after winning the Vermont Democratic primary. Halliquist, a former utilities executive, is running on a platform to provide high-speed Internet to every home in Vermont. She is endorsed by Vermonters Who Want To Watch Porn In The Mountains.

Tom and Gail Wise, owners of the first Ford Mustang ever sold, a 1964 convertible, brought the car to ceremonies in Dearborn, Michigan where Ford commemorated the 10 Millionth Mustang produced.  The couple, who were 22 years old when they bought it, spent a lot of time cleaning the back seat.

The Environmental Working Group found that some oat cereals and oatmeal contained elevated levels of glyphosate – the toxic herbicide known as Roundup. “Look, you don’t want cereal with weeds in it, do you?” said a defensive Cap’n Crunch.

A little girl who secretly ordered $350 worth of toys on her mom’s Amazon Prime account donated the toys to a local children’s hospital. She also donated her mom’s Amazon Prime password so the kids there rolled up another $3,000 getting different, better toys.

Melissa Howard, Republican candidate for Florida state House who lied about graduating from college, has dropped out of the race. She’ll endorse her opponent, who dropped out of school in 7th grade, but didn’t lie about it.

HGTV has started preproduction on its Brady Bunch House renovation show. Said a network spokesperson of the iconic property “it’s time to change..we have to rearrange..what it is into what it’s gonna be..”

Brandon Johnson, the dealer who allegedly supplied Demi Lovato with drugs, was reportedly arrested in a huge bust in March, one month before meeting up with Lovato, who has more of a medium bust.

 

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Former White House staffer and ‘Apprentice’ star Omarosa Manigault-Newman, author of a new book on the Trump Presidency, claims she was offered money in exchange for keeping quiet. Trump’s supporters and critics both call this “not the worst idea the Trump administration has ever had.”

Omarosa appeared on Sunday morning television to state that she recorded her firing from the White House by Chief of Staff John Kelly. Having appeared on The Apprentice multiple times, she said she just assumed someone should be recording every time somebody gets fired.

A Pittsburgh Steelers fan in full pads attempted to sneak on to the field during the team’s practice on Saturday. He was removed by team officials and called a press conference to announce his retirement due to CTE.

In advance of the Unite the Right 2 white supremacist rally scheduled for Washington, DC on Sunday, President Trump tweeted to condemn “all types of racism and violence…even the good kind.”

The Italian island of Sardinia is issuing fines over $3,000 for visitors stealing sand from the beaches. So far police have collected six figures from toddlers and Moms caught with sand in their butt cracks and flip-flops.

Two female former Nike employees accuse the company of systemic gender discrimination and failure to provide equal pay. They call their legal action Just Sue It.

A hippopotamus attacked and killed a Chinese tourist in Kenya. The tourist was rushed to a hospital but died of his injuries; the hippo is reportedly already hungry again.

Rapper Wiz Khalifa went from 140 to 175 pounds through mixed martial arts training, although he admits that 30 pounds are muscle, the other 5 are weed.

Miami University of Ohio refuted Florida Republican Melissa Howard’s claim that she graduated from the school. Howard, 46, is a candidate for state representative in Florida’s 73rd District. “Wait. There’s a Miami… in OHIO?” said Floridians.

Angelina Jolie returned to California as ordered by a judge in her divorce proceedings from Brad Pitt. She was seen shopping for weekly groceries at Whole Foods, so she upped her child support request by $100,000.

 

 

 

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United Airlines has temporarily suspended the transport of pets in cargo holds, while they work with animal experts to determine the most cost-effective way of killing them.

The Wall Street Journal published results of a 2011 polygraph test backing actress Stormy Daniels’ claims that she had unprotected sex with Donald Trump.  However, her co-stars were devastated when the same test revealed that she’s been faking all of her orgasms.

In Kosovo, leaders of the opposition Self-Determination Movement party released tear gas canisters in parliament to prevent a vote on border markings with neighboring Montenegro. The move is what’s known as a Kosovo Filibuster.

After being identified by Austin police, serial bombing suspect Mark Anthony Conditt blew himself up:

coyote

Melania Trump hosted a roundtable meeting of technology executives at the White House, and addressed public skepticism over her anti-cyberbullying campaign. Her staff then kicked out members of the Fake News before the meeting, which started with 10 minutes of the First Lady hitting Ctrl/F5 before deciding they didn’t need PowerPoint.

A man died in Birmingham, England when he bent down to retrieve his dropped phone at a luxury movie theater and his head was trapped in a reclining chair. He would have texted 911, but was worried he’d be kicked out.

Actress Busy Philipps was hospitalized for sunburned eyes, then was Busy on social media explaining that she isn’t stupid.

The U.K. government issued their ‘Foresight Future of the Sea’ report, saying that the amount of plastic in the world’s oceans will triple in the next decade. While this threatens most sea life, larger sea mammals are excited at getting some new plastic furniture for entertaining.

President Donald Trump called Russian President Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his election victory, despite receiving national security instructions reading DO NOT CONGRATULATE. Trump was angry at the security leak, but thought the the instructions were for a call to Omarosa after the end of Celebrity Big Brother.

394 pages of documents released during the bankruptcy hearings of The Weinstein Company list all of the parties owed money by Harvey Weinstein — including Jennifer Lawrence, Robert De Niro, Malia Obama, an online Cialis seller, and a maker of plus-size bathrobes.

 

 

 

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The Unicode Consortium announced 157 new emoji options will debut later this year. They include new smiley faces, sports and food – but sexual intercourse will still require using existing fruits and vegetables.

The widow of Richard Pryor said that the late comedian had sex with Marlon Brando. She said she wished they’d filmed it, making it the only funny movie Pryor would have appeared in.

Philadelphia expects 2 million revelers lining the streets for the Philadelphia Eagles Super Bowl victory parade. With huge crowds and frigid cold, some are likening it to Philly’s annual New Years Day Mummers Parade – only this one brings races together and isn’t a national embarrassment.

Asked about the cost of the parade during a radio interview, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney said “we’re paying for it…after 50-some years? We’ll find the money.” Kenney then announced that a 16-ounce soda bought in Philly will cost ten dollars.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi gave a marathon eight-hour speech on immigration to the House floor, Pelosi’s longest speech since giving her husband a recap of the 15-minute phone call she had with her sister earlier in the week.

Gloria Copeland, an evangelical minister and adviser to the Trump campaign, released a video saying that “Jesus is your flu shot”. While she’s been widely criticized, her followers agree that a quick chat with Jesus beats waiting 45 minutes in CVS.

President Trump’s plans for a July 4th ‘Military Parade’ is being criticized both for its purpose and its expense – not the least of which is the million dollars being demanded by Toby Keith to be Grand Marshal.

A naked man locked himself in the bathroom of an Alaska Airlines flight from Anchorage to Seattle, forcing the jet to return and remove him. Flight attendants said the man ‘wasn’t in his right mind’ and that he may have been trying to join the Mile Really Really High Club.

Brad Pitt was involved in a three-car pileup in Los Angeles. No one was injured and the actor exchanged information with the other two drivers, who called their friends so they could run into him and get his information too.

Omarosa made her debut on Celebrity Big Brother, and swiftly compared the show to the White House, saying that there’s backstabbing.  But that, on the bright side, there are far fewer people accused of sexual assault and domestic violence in the Big Brother House.

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NASA states that an asteroid may pass by Earth during Sunday’s Super Bowl. But, since the asteroid is expected to miss everybody by 2.9 million miles, they’re naming it Third String Quarterback.

President Trump called out Jay-Z on Twitter about Trump’s policy contributions to low black unemployment, while Jay-Z said that Omarosa and Ben Carson cancel each other out.

Casino mogul and accused sexual predator Steve Wynn stepped down as Finance Chairman of the Republican National Committee – in what Democrats are privately calling a Wynn-Win.

James Franco was removed from the cover of Vanity Fair‘s Hollywood issue due to his sexual misconduct allegations. However, Vanity Fair said they’d consider putting him on a future cover if he wants to pose topless & eight months pregnant.

Talentless blowhard Piers Morgan tweeted a ‘teaser’ of his interview with President Donald Trump, wherein Trump declares that he’s ‘not a feminist’. Trump believes instead of males being feminists, women should be self reliant, grabbing themselves by the pussy and pulling themselves up.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio fired his Chief of Staff Clint Reed over ‘improper relations with subordinates’. When presented with the facts, there was really Little Marco could do.

Replacing the refrigerators on Air Force One will cost taxpayers $24 million in parts & labor, and $50 million a year in Diet Coke and Haagen-Dazs.

Elon Musk’s The Boring Company is accepting preorders for a $500 flame thrower. A portion of the proceeds will go to awareness and prevention of really unique suicides.

Monthly movie theater subscription service MoviePass pulled out of support for some of AMC Theaters highest-traffic cinemas in the hope AMC will sweeten its deal terms, and because MoviePass found out the popcorn they serve was made weeks ago.

SpaceX is scheduled to launch the Falcon Heavy – the world’s largest rocket – in early February. The rocket is powerful enough to send humans to Mars, although its maiden launch will carry a dummy payload. Eric Trump said he can’t wait for his family’s space vacation next week.

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Delta Airlines agreed to purchase up to 200 new Airbus jets.  The first jets are set to be delivered in 2020, but Delta told Airbus not to rush, they’re not really all that concerned with on-time arrivals.

Two Florida women accused of shoplifting in Best Buy by placing items in an empty baby stroller were caught after crashing their getaway car. One of the thieves made a last ditch effort to fool arresting officers by breast-feeding a stolen Xbox.

Both Steve Bannon and President Trump have urged Roy Moore to concede defeat to Doug Jones in the race for U.S. Senate earlier this week. Moore has yet to do so, saying he’s awaiting results of a recount and that he left his phone in his horse’s saddlebag.

Reports suggest that Kim Jong Un’s top military aide, Vice Marshal Hwang Pyong-so, has been executed. Hwang was last seen on October 13th modeling his Donald Trump Halloween costume and asking around about Christmas bonuses.

ABC’s Robin Roberts bid a snarky ‘Bye Felicia’ to outgoing Trump aide Omarosa Manigault Newman, leading Omarosa to reply by calling Roberts ‘petty’ and declaring ‘black woman civil war – the first civil war ever declared over black women’.

Republican Speaker of the House Paul Ryan is rumored to be retiring from politics at the end of 2018 – a move expected to leave GOP congressmen scrambling to find a new leader for midday P90X sessions.

400 Subway franchise owners signed a petition protesting the planned return of the sandwich chain’s $5 Footlong promotion in January, saying that their profits are already strained from switching to chemical-free bread and using real mayonnaise instead of drywall spackle.

Facebook is adding a 30-day ‘Snooze’ button so that you can take a break from a person, page or group, after research showed users preferred telling annoying Facebookers they were asleep instead of saying they unfriended them.

Peyton Manning surprised travelers at Denver International Airport when he dropped in on a football trivia contest being held there. He missed the first six questions and was benched in favor of a traveling hardware salesman whose flight was delayed by snow.

A Boston Globe report states that women working at ESPN face a culture of rampant sexism and hostility. The report claims several women went so far as to try and hide their pregnancies, but keen-eyed Jon Gruden used super slo-mo and a telestrator to highlight their concealed baby bumps.

 

 

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Warren Sapp, fired from NFL Network in 2015 after hiring a prostitute at the Super Bowl, confirmed a network wardrobe stylist’s story that Sapp gave her sex toys as Christmas gifts three years in a row. Sapp said in a radio interview: “I’m still trying to figure out where’s the sexual harassment?”  Apparently, it was under the office Christmas tree.

Trump aide and former ‘Apprentice‘ contestant Omarosa Manigault Newman resigned from her communications role and was reportedly escorted off the White House campus. President Trump tweeted his thanks for her service, then promptly hired ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ champion and Poison frontman Bret Michaels to pick up where she left off.

Documentary director Morgan Spurlock admitted to a history of sexual misconduct, as social media braced for a flood of Super Size Me jokes.

A U.K. surgeon was charged with assault after he admitted to carving his initials on the livers of his patients during transplant operations, after encasing their livers in wet concrete.

The San Francisco SPCA is using robot security guards to keep the homeless away from its campus. The SPCA said the robot costs $6/hour to operate, vs $16 or more for a human guard. “We’ll do it for free – just let us out of here a few hours” said SPCA resident dogs.

Alabama Senator-elect Doug Jones said that he received a “very gracious” phone call from President Donald Trump.  Jones said Trump invited him to the White House, then gave him a list of Alabama barbecue restaurants and detailed take-out orders.

The White House withdrew its support for Brent Talley, a Trump nominee for a Federal judgeship who has never tried a case, and who’s been a lawyer for less than three years. Reached for comment, Talley said “Sustained!”

The CEO of Coinbase – one of the largest cryptocurrency exchanges and a popular tool for Bitcoin traders – authored a blog post urging people to “invest responsibly”. Asked to clarify ‘responsibly’, he said “not Bitcoin.”

In Philadelphia, a cow escaped from a live nativity scene. The cow was captured in a hotel parking garage and arrested for offering an undercover cop $50 to get milked.

Disney has finalized a $52.4 billion deal to acquire 20th Century Fox movie studio and other Fox film and tv assets – clearing the way for Die Hard: Mickey Mouse.

The U.S. Education Department reports that nearly 5 million Americans are in default on student loans, while the University of Phoenix reports record high placement in the food service and rideshare industries.