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After six years in prison, hip-hop star Bobby Shmurda was released on Shparole.

Disney+ placed an ‘offensive content’ warning before some episodes of The Muppet Show. including Dr. Teeth & the Elecrric Mayhem’s cover of the Rolling Stones’ ‘Some Girls’.

NASA’s Perseverance rover sent back a recording of the wind on Mars, followed by a robotic sounding “excuse me”.

Six Flags will reopen all of its theme parks in 2021 and will hire ‘thousands’ of employees – including specialists trained to tell the difference between COVID vomiting and roller-coaster vomiting.

Stevie Wonder told Oprah Winfrey he’s moving to Ghana – or at least that’s what he thinks is going to happen.

Dr. Dre calls estranged wife Nicole Young a “greedy bitch” in a new rap, which he made the unfortunate choice of debuting in a family court hearing.

Martin Gugino, the elderly Buffalo man whose skull was fractured after being pushed to the ground by cops last summer during Black Lives Matter protests, is suing the city for millions in damages, although he’s expected to settle for a condo in Florida.

New Jersey Governor Phil Murphy signed a bill legalizing recreational marijuana, although state-sanctioned sales won’t be available until completion of the New Jersey Turnpike’s Wu-Tang Clan Service Area.

Meghan McCain criticized COVID vaccine distribution, asking “how I, Meghan McCain, co-host of The View” can’t know when she’ll be eligible. Ironically, many of her viewers are eligible because their immune systems are compromised from listening to Meghan McCain.

Emma Colonel Aspuro, 31-year-old wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, was arrested on drug & conspiracy charges. She was detained after arriving at Dulles Airport in Virginia after emerging from the tunnel connecting it to Tijuana.

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KFC temporarily closed hundreds of restaurants in the United Kingdom because they’ve run out of chicken. The closures have resulted in an unexpected surge in U.K. gun sales to nervous cats, small dogs and large rodents.

Switzerland banned boiling live lobsters, but also passed legislation legalizing assisted shellfish suicide.

  • Going forward, seafood restaurants will be required to offer Lobster Hospice.

ABC Networks recently revealed that it tests contestants on ‘The Bachelor’ and ‘The Bachelorette’ for sexually transmitted diseases; this, after penicillin and Valtrex pills kept falling out of the roses.

President Trump took to Twitter to criticize Oprah Winfrey’s interviews with Michigan voters that aired on ’60 Minutes’, meaning efforts by Trump aides to distract him with with the NBA Mascot Slam Dunk Competition were unsuccessful.

Google claims its artificial intelligence can predict heart disease or stroke by looking at a person’s retinal images. The technology seeks out specific patterns in retinal vessels, and reflections of Hooters waitresses.

Marvel’s “Black Panther” brought in $192 million during its three-day North American debut, shattering records for ticket sales and audience comments directed at the screen.

A family of 23 people was removed from the Carnival Legend after inciting repeated brawls during the ship’s cruise of the Australian coast. Other passengers who say their trips were ruined by the fighting were insulted by Carnival’s conciliatory offer of 25% off a future cruise. Carnival then countered by upping the offer to include a kangaroo bodyguard.

Aleksandr Krushelnitckii, Russian bronze medalist in mixed doubles curling, is under suspicion of doping after his first sample tested positive for meldonium. Krushelnitckii defended himself, saying the performance-enhancing drugs were for sex with his hot wife & Internet sensation Anastasia Bryzgalova, since curling requires no athletic talent.

Ivanka Trump is reportedly getting a “First Lady style” welcome when she visits Pyeongchang for the Olympics — meaning, a bed three rooms away from her husband’s in a room that locks from the inside.

French ice dancer Gabriella Papadakis left the ice in tears after her halter top became unhooked during her program, exposing the bottom of her breast. Papadakis and partner Guillaume Cizeron received a combined score of 81.93, which was weighed down by an individual score of ‘Take It All Off’ from a since-removed U.S.A. judge.

 

 

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The FoldiMate – a $980 machine that folds, irons and perfumes clothes – was shown off at the Consumer Electronics Show in Las Vegas. However, its makers were arrested when federal agents examined one and found a 50-year-old-man inside.

A 99-year-old Mississippi woman shot and killed a deer a few miles from her rural home. The deer was 97.

Eighth graders in Arkansas 3D-printed a new foot for a duck that didn’t have one. Said one of the children “you don’t eat a duck like that all at once.”

Takata’s airbag recall has been expanded to an additional 3.3 million vehicles. “Well, I guess that’s all of ’em” said Takata’s CEO.

The last Boeing 747 jet flown commercially by a U.S. carrier was retired when Delta flew it to an airliner graveyard in Arizona. A different jet will be sent in six months to pick up the 75-year-old flight attendants working on it serving peanuts and Coke to coyotes.

Two Apple investors have requested that the company do more to limit children’s iPhone use. Apple said that they will consider scaling back the hours of children making them.

Sources say that Oprah Winfrey is considering a run for President in 2020. The rumors appeared to be confirmed by a leaked version of her ‘2020 My Favorite Things’ list that includes Air Force One and nuclear weapons.

The hottest new fitness app is Sweatcoin, which rewards users for steps that they take outdoors, redeemable for merchandise. So far, over 10,000 Fitbits have been earned by stray dogs.

Amazon is partnering with matchmaking company Three Day Rule to provide dating tips via the Alexa assistant. Three Day Rule & Alexa’s suggestions include striking up conversations with strangers and asking if they’re a cop.

Dunkin Donuts announced that they’ve removed all artificial dyes from its doughnuts. Customers say they can’t taste the difference, since their taste buds have been melted off by the coffee.

A water main break at JFK Airport caused extensive flooding. Emergency crews and stranded passengers teamed up to save the Cinnabons.

 

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Google is in court arguing against the Department of Labor’s charges that they systemically underpay women. Google execs deny the claim, saying women there make 81% of men’s salaries, versus the national average of 80%.

The New England Patriots presented Tom Brady’s mother, Galynn, with a Super Bowl 51 Championship ring. She thanked the team and then asked where in the hell are all the other Super Bowl rings her kid won.

The Department of Transportation said that 2017 U.S. airline passenger “bumping” has hit an alltime low; however, passenger “dragging” reached an alltime high.

A burglar who pooped in the toilet of the home he robbed – without flushing – was arrested based on a DNA match from his feces. The woman who owns the home asked the judge for leniency on his behalf, saying that at least he left the seat down.

Vice News reports that President Trump’s staffers compile packets of favorable news stories about him, then give him the packets twice per day. So far their biggest challenge has been finding newspapers and video from the 80s and 90s.

Defense Secretary James Mattis backed up Trump’s harsh rhetoric, saying that North Korea’s actions could lead to the destruction of its people. North Korean citizens countered that the biggest risk to their destruction isn’t nukes, it’s the food they’re eating since economic sanctions went into place.

Disney announced that it will pull its content from Netflix and start their own streaming service. The channel is expected to focus on family-friendly content, with the exception of a drama about Minnie Mouse going to prison.

Oprah Winfrey and Kraft Foods are partnering on “O That’s Good”, a line of frozen comfort food soups and sides. Each soup will cost $4.99 and each side $4.49, allowing a lonely woman to put together her dinner for around $40.

For the first time in nearly 30 years, the Mormon Church has excommunicated a senior leader. Ousted Elder James Hamula had no immediate plans, other than to relax with his 12 wives and however many kids he has.

Major League Baseball announced “Players Weekend”, where MLB players will be able to wear their nicknames on their jerseys. No vulgar nicknames are allowed, so none of the Philadelphia Phillies fan suggestions will be used.

  • Yankees reliever Aroldis Chapman will wear “The Missile”. Asked if it’s because of his 100mph fastball, Chapman said “..uh, sure.”