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A Southwest Airlines jet is being investigated for taking off from a closed runway at Portland Airport. Meanwhile, a Spirit Airlines jet is being investigated after taking off from a dirt road in rural Alabama after picking up their last passenger at home.

Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft remains stuck at the International Space Station, with no definitive date for return. According to the Starliner crew, the guy ordered the parts but shipping takes, like, forever.

Steve Bannon’s final appeal for contempt of Congress failed and he must report to prison. Other prisoners looking at his belly realized they’ll need at least an 8-inch shank if it’s going to make a difference.

Uno and other board games are being modified so that colorblind people can enjoy them – taking away the last good excuse colorblind people had for saying “no thanks” to playing Uno on Thanksgiving and watching the football game.

Democrats are evalutating whether or not Joe Biden should drop out of the Presidential Race after his poor debate performance. Especially considering that his next faceoff with Donald Trump is a Presidential Big Mac Eating Contest.

WNBA Phoenix Mercury stars Diana Taurasi and Britney Griner were praised for taking a brief pregame moment to shake hands and speak with new Indiana Fever star Caitlin Clark. Griner took an extra couple of seconds to repeat her cell phone number.

A new business trend is ‘fractional hiring’ – where businesses hire professionals possessing specific expertise on a part-time or contract basis. Those fractional hires then totally fire the more expensive full-time employees.

Walt Disney World reopened the Rock n’ Roller Coaster after a six-month refurbishment. It received a rave review from the guy and his kid who’ve been standing in line waiting to ride it since late January.

An anti-aging drug, rapamycin, has reportedly been proven to extend the life of mice in lab trials – so that the mice can go on to participate in other lab trials that will certainly shorten their life.

New York Police made multiple arrests when brawls broke out in the city’s Washington Square Park following the June 30th Pride Parade. Cops left the riot gear in their van after witnessing some of the softest punches ever thrown.

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New research finds too much high-intensity interval training is bad for you. “Good to know” said people walking on treadmills while reading books.

It’s Star Wars Day. The Mandalorian is busy hunting down and shooting everyone saying “May the 4th Be With You”.

Verizon sold AOL & Yahoo to a private equity firm, in a deal valued at “whatever 1997 was worth”.

Bill Gates and wife Melinda are divorcing after 27 years, six or more operating systems and three browsers.

A woman who didn’t know she was 29 weeks pregnant gave birth on a flight to Hawaii. During contractions, American Airlines charged her $99 to upgrade to a seat with more legroom.

  • “Can you shut that kid up?” said the guy in the seat behind her.

A Philadelphia man in an Amazon vest was caught on video stealing packages. At first cops thought he was impersonating an employee, but then he pissed in an empty soda bottle and went on with his day.

WNBA All-Star Breanna Stewart of the Seattle Storm got engaged to pro basketball player Marta Xargay Casademont of the WNBA Phoenix Mercury. Xargay praised Stewart’s one-on-one pressure.

A Republican woman in a California city council meeting compared her treatment for opposing mask-wearing to Rosa Parks “being pushed to the back of the bus.” Except she’s white. And has never ridden a bus in her life.

Hall of Fame NFL QB Terry Bradshaw called Green Bay Packers QB Aaron Rodgers “weak” for the way he’s publicly handling disputes with the team. Then Bradshaw got back to work on the E! reality show where his daughters ruthlessly make fun of him.

Joe Biden is raising the cap on refugees who can enter the United States from 15,000 to 62,500. They currently serving #48, and nobody has the money to buy a FastPass to jump the line.

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Sesame Place theme park banned a woman for life for telling a Muslim woman to “go back where she came from”. The banned woman’s rant was sponsored by the letter F.

Six players were ejected following a fight during a WNBA game between the Phoenix Mercury and Dallas Wings. Fans said they hadn’t seen that many women in braids brawling since any UFC undercard.

Kid Rock tweeted Taylor Swift wants to be a Democrat so she can be cast in movies, and is willing to suck the door knob off of Hollyweird to get there. Celebrities condemned the tweet – Guy Fieri said he may ask Rock to return his key to the City of Flavortown.

According to a recent survey, 42% of parents claim they weren’t financially ready to have a child. The other 58% say they were financially ready, but feel let down by their choice of birth control.

Miley Cyrus and Liam Hemsworth reportedly separated after being married only 8 months. Cyrus was spotted kissing a woman, so she and Hemsworth still have something in common.

In their annual rankings, University of California – Santa Barbara topped the list of colleges where students consume the most hard liquor. The results were challenged by University of Phoenix, who say most of their online students consume liquor during class.

Anheuser-Busch is expanding into the red-hot hard seltzer category with Natural Light Hard Seltzer. It’ll be 20% cheaper than industry leader White Claw, and will be marketed to bros who still want to get buzzed while they look for a better-paying job.

Police combatting anti-government protesters in Hong Kong fired tear gas into the subway. Subway riders were overcome by the chemical assault, calling it “almost as bad as the subway in Philadelphia.”

Two ambulances collided with each other in the Bronx, causing one to overturn and four injuries to emergency workers. “Call an ambulance” said someone, and they all had a good laugh about it.

Berlin is considering turning the former Tempelhof airport into a safe zone for legalized prostitution. German men won’t feel as inconvenienced when their friends ask for a ride to the airport.