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Silver Air LLC filed suit against Kim and Khloe Kardashian for failure to pay a $225,353 private jet bill. Lawyers for the jet company seek compensation for the charter fees and extra fuel, because they were hauling so much ass.

The Trump Administration selected 10 cities for drone testing. President Trump originally designated cities with Trump Hotels, until the Department of Transportation said they were testing flying drones, not the lawn-mowing and house cleaning kind.

A rare six-carat blue diamond held for 300 years by European royalty sold at Sotheby’s auction for $6.7 million.  It was then returned when the girlfriend of the guy who bought it got pissed because there weren’t matching earrings.

A robot predicted that Boston will win Amazon’s coveted HQ2.  “Hey. I’m not a robot” said Jeff Bezos.

Arlington, Texas disclosed they’re no longer in the running for Amazon HQ2, with Arlington’s mayor saying Amazon is “looking for a more advanced urban setting.”  Upon hearing the bit about ‘advanced’, Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney cancelled an order for 20,000 helium balloons.

Meghan Markle will reportedly not combine her finances with Britain’s Prince Harry until after she becomes a U.K. citizen. United Kingdom citizenship is a lengthy process taking several years, culminating in a test that involves being glib about everything and consistently ruining food.

Instagram will soon tell users how much time they spend on the app, utilizing a sliding scale from “Your Grandmother” to “Kylie Jenner”.

The U.S. Senate voted to overturn the FCC’s planned repeal of Net Neutrality regulations, which had been championed by FCC Chairman Ajit Pai and supported by large Internet Services Providers. “Whatev, we still gettin PAAAAAAAAAAID bitchezzzzz..” said Comcast Chairman Brian Roberts.

A woman on a United flight – crying after seeing her seat-neighbor send texts calling her a “smelly fatty” – was reportedly helped by a kind man who ordered the texter to move because he was making her cry.  United did not comment, other than to say they’re glad the man’s kind actions distracted from the six dogs that died on the same flight.

Melania Trump tweeted that she’s “feeling great” after undergoing a kidney procedure. President Trump said that if the operation went south, he’d have been willing to donate a kidney to Melania, right after he decided whether to take it from Eric, Don Jr or Tiffany.

Thanks to new developer tools, Amazon Alexa apps no longer have to sound like Alexa. Now you just need to get record that hot woman at the gym saying “Yes” for when you ask Alexa if you have an above-average penis.

Amazon Prime members are getting new perks at Whole Foods – the groceries are cheaper, and best of all, Prime members can still choose to never shop there.

 

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Russian President Vladimir Putin gave his annual state of the nation address, and shared an animated video of a new nuclear superweapon – supposedly unstoppable by current intercept systems – striking Florida. The Florida state legislature responded by allocating $100 million to train school teachers to shoot down nuclear missiles.

March 1st was National Peanut Butter Lovers Day, in case you were wondering why you didn’t hear from your single woman friends who own large dogs.

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft’s girlfriend, Ricki Lander, gave birth to a baby last year, although Kraft is not the father. The team would not release the father’s name, but they know who he is after secretly videotaping him at Lander’s Lamaze practice.

The Department of Housing and Urban Development canceled their order for a $31,000 dining room set that had been ordered for Secretary Ben Carson’s office. Carson reportedly ordered a different set, which HUD will own free & clear after just 48 monthly payments to Rent A Center.

Reports surfaced of a shooting at Central Michigan University, which now happens so often in schools that it’s just the fourth-most-important story after the big Nor’Easter, the KFC gravy shortage, and Trump’s tweets about Alec Baldwin.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle will extend invitations to 2,600 members of the public into the grounds of Windsor Castle for their wedding on May 19th – as 1,300 men prepare to face the question “Is THAT what you’re wearing?” with an intensity it’s never been asked before.

JCPenney announced that they’re cutting 360 jobs. Then their CEO presented a coupon that gave him another 20% off of headcount.

A report in medical journal JAMA Facial Plastic Surgery claims that close-up selfies increase the perceived size of your nose by up to 30%. Plastic surgeons advise moving the camera further from your face – advice that young women say is hard to do without the phone hitting the windshield of the car they’re driving.

A drunk New Jersey man blacked out during his Uber ride after a campus party at West Virginia University, and incurred a $1,600 fare because the driver traveled 300 miles to the man’s home in Gloucester, New Jersey. The passenger said it was “insane”, and the driver wasn’t thrilled at having to be in either West Virginia or New Jersey.

President Trump is planning to apply 25% tariffs on imported steel and 10% on aluminum — experts project it will become 15-20% more expensive when a Mississippi housewife finds her husband cheating, gets drunk on beer in aluminum cans and bashes in the steel on his pickup truck with an aluminum baseball bat.

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YouTube apologized for a widely-reported glitch in its search algorithm. When users entered the query “How to have..”, YouTube completed it with suggestions like “..sex with children.” Users who searched “How to have sex with children” were taken to the YouTube channel of ‘Roy Moore for Senate’.

The FBI reported a record number of background checks for gun purchases on Black Friday, although many buyers decided to skip the waiting period and buy Assault Weapon Gift Cards instead.

Lyft received approval to test self-driving cars on public roads in California, but only after regulators made them put mannequins of old Asian women behind the wheel, so human drivers will have someone to be angry at.

Arby’s announced a $2.4 Billion acquisition of Buffalo Wild Wings, then threatened to call off the deal when they found out blue cheese costs extra.

National massage chain Massage Envy is accused of 180 sexual assaults. Most all of the accusers are women, and a few men who mistakenly used the word “happy” during their session.

Conservative billionaires the Koch Brothers funded $600 Million of Meredith Publishing’s planned acquisition of Time, Inc. Time’s CEO assured employees that the Kochs’ views will not influence Time publications’ content; however, Sports Illustrated magazine has been told to rush work on February’s Pantsuit Issue.

Facebook is using artificial intelligence to detect suicidal posts before they’re reported by users’ friends. Facebook execs said the tool has been tested extensively and now knows to exclude weekend posts from Cleveland Browns and Buffalo Bills fans.

CBS cancelled Jeremy Piven’s freshman drama ‘Wisdom of the Crowd‘ after 13 episodes, proving the crowd really does have wisdom after all.

England’s Prince Harry is engaged to American actress Meghan Markle. The news was broken when Markle’s iCloud account was hacked, revealing dozens of nude selfies of her wearing only a tiara.

President Trump caused controversy when he met with Native American World War II veteran ‘Code Talkers’ to again call Senator Elizabeth Warren ‘Pocahontas’. After the meeting, the decorated veterans called Melania Trump a Navajo name meaning “Woman who poses naked for money.”