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Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce spent Easter Sunday in Philadelphia at the home of Jason Kelce, then returned to L.A. on her jet, where she recorded two hastily-written bonus tracks for her upcoming album, Not For Nothin’; & Jawn With The Wind.

New research claims dogs are able to associate some words with objects. Other research finds cats are able to associate an infinite number of objects and actions with “food”.

Adidas will redesign the number 4 on Germany’s national soccer team jerseys, after complaints that it resembles a symbol of Nazi paramilitary units. They’ll implement a new design just as soon as they fill all the backorders from Germany and the U.S.

Discount grocer Lidl is recalling macarons in 9 states due to potentially “lethal” mislabeling which omitted allergens in them. No deaths have been officially reported, but flags are flying at half-mast on Sesame Street.

Beyonce’s ‘Cowboy Carter’ country album broke single-day streaming records on Spotify, Amazon Music & elsewhere. The hundreds of millions of streams are expected to earn Bey royalties in excess of $300.

The number of U.S. workers over the age of 75 is expected to nearly double over the next decade. Translation: your fast food will likely be about half as fast.

‘Oppenheimer‘ was finally released in Japan – the only country to experience a nuclear strike. Afterward, many viewers said the experience left them bitter and sad, but that they’ll still see the Japan-produced sequel, Oppenheimer vs Godzilla.

Comedian Daniel Tosh shared an unsubstantiated rumor that Kylie Jenner is pregnant with Timothee Chalamet’s baby. Chalamet has reportedly been Dune her for months.

Actor Bill Murray hired a private investigator to find his cell phone after leaving it in an Uber. Murray successfully found the phone and determined he’d received zero acting offers.

LSU’s Angel Reese and Iowa’s Caitlin Clark – who’d sparred in Iowa’s 2023 national championship loss – exchanged a hug and whispers after Iowa won last night’s rematch. Clark said she told Reese to continue being great, and Reese told Clark to maybe think about makeup once in a while.

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A woman was arrested at an airport in Colombia for attempting to smuggle 130 poisonous dart frogs in her luggage. Worse, each of the frogs had swallowed several tiny balloons filled with cocaine.

Researchers believe they’ve found a link between ALS and smoking. They’re considering changing it from Lou Gehrig’s Disease to Joe Camel Disease.

Economists predict Valentine’s Day spending to top $14 billion – no thanks to your cheap boyfriend and his grocery store bouquet.

Two men drifting in the ocean after their boat sank were rescued by a passing Carnival Cruise ship – but only after the men asked if there was another, nicer, cruise ship coming along anytim soon.

Legendary singer/dancer/actress Chita Rivera died. She’s survived by her lesser-known sister, PlaysByTheRules Rivera.

National Geographic listed their 2024 Top Travel Destinations, including West Virginia. In other news, National Geographic’s Senior Travel Editor entered rehab for treatment of addiction to methamphetamine.

A 60-year-old woman was arrested after attacking a Frontier Airlines flight attendant who kept her from using the lavatory while the plane descended for landing in Philadelphia. Either way, sh*t was gonna go down.

UPS is cutting over 12,000 jobs, mostly middle management and contractors, but not whoever’s emailing to tell you your package shipped when they’ve only printed a label.

The maker of popular Stanley travel mugs say they contain lead, but are still safe, and that drinking from them will make you feel fuller, faster.

Elmo the Muppet posted on X to ask how everyone’s feeling, and many responded that they’re not doing great and may need help. Elmo sympathized, saying it hasn’t been easy living with a guy’s hand up his ass for over forty years.

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FAA officials took the first steps allowing Boeing 737 Max 9 jets to return to the skies. In a related move, Alaska Airlines will now sell premium ‘Panoramic View’ seats next to the giant hole where door plugs used to be.

Saudi Arabia opened its first store serving alcohol. So far, six men offering to buy women a drink have been beheaded.

Johnson & Johnson plans to settle litigation over the safety of its talc baby powder for $700 million. Greedy lawyers are quickly organizing class action lawsuits for victims of diaper rash.

Over 21 million people signed up for Obamacare, including several million in Iowa & New Hampshire who got their registration in before attending a Trump rally.

All teachers & staff at Siouxland Christian School in Sioux City, Iowa will carry guns. Complaints about the salisbury steak in the school cafeteria have been eliminated.

Grocery chain Stew Leonard’s recalled its florentine cookies after someone died eating them. Flags are flying at half-staff on Sesame Street.

A Wendy’s franchisee in Pennsylvania was cited with nearly 800 child labor law violations for not providing breaks for workers. The franchisee said he doesn’t understand why they need bathroom breaks if he’s paying for their Pull-Ups.

Gene Robinson was consecrated as the first openly gay bishop in the Episcopal Church. “Open, you say?” .. asked a few hundred Catholic bishops thinking long & hard about making the Episcopal team switch.

Taylor Swift’s fans are battling against AI-generated pornographic images & videos featuring the popular singer. They were being shared on social media sites, and discovered by parents of teenagers viewing them and shaking it off.

10 Philadelphia area restaurants were named as semifinalists for James Beard Awards – while dozens of other steak & wing joints were sent cease and desist orders to never apply again.

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A manager at a South Carolina Starbucks accused employees of kidnapping him after they demanded a pay raise and better equipment. Police are having difficulty arresting the employees, because the manager got all of their names wrong.

Russia’s rebranded McDonald’s – which can’t get Coca-Cola products anymore – filed trademarks for replacement brand TochkaCola, and new Borscht TochkaCola Code Red.

Lisa London, casting director for Disney Channel’s Hannah Montana, revealed who the other two finalist actresses were for the role played by Miley Cyrus. Her account is vehemently denied by both Meryl Streep and Dame Judi Dench.

A labor union representing Philadelphia school bus drivers voted to strike ahead of the upcoming start to the new school year. Students are advised to make backup plans, like carjacking their rides to school.

Park rangers found a detached foot in a shoe floating in the Abyss Pool hot spring in Yellowstone National Park. The shoe was size 9, so the rangers have ruled out Bigfoot.

HBO Max pulled nearly 200 episodes of Sesame Street as it prepares to combine with Discovery+. However, an injunction to block the move was filed by the letter F, which had sponsored the episodes.

Actress Jennifer Garner was spotted shopping at a West Virginia Sam’s Club on Saturday night, while ex Ben Affleck married Jennifer Lopez in a lavish ceremony in Georgia. The next day, Lopez & Affleck received a gift-wrapped bundle of 100 rolls of toilet paper.

Hailey Davidson, a transgender woman who completed gender reassignment surgery in 2021, is vying to become the first trans woman to join the LPGA Tour. She claims to be at a disadvantage because of the two-stroke penalty she received for lost balls.

HBO Max crashed for thousands of users due to a surge in viewers attempting to stream new ‘Game of Thrones’ prequel ‘House Of The Dragon’. HBO Max execs thought they’d hit peak traffic with all of the boob scenes in Euphoria, but admitted they were wrong.

Actor Gary Busey was charged with sexual assault and removed from the Monster Mania Convention in Cherry Hill, New Jersey last weekend. Busey, who appeared in Predator 2, will soon be appearing in court as a Predator, Too.

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200 Philadelphia teens have been shot in the city’s streets so far this year. So officials are opening Curfew Centers, where teens can get off the streets and be shot indoors.

Sesame Street introduced Ji-Young, a Korean female Muppet. Grover now exclusively dates Asians.

AMC Theaters announced a plan to sell their popcorn outside of cinemas, without having to buy a movie ticket. Customers can choose different varieties of popcorn from 2020, 2019, and other vintages.

Jury selection begins in the Ghislaine Maxwell sex=trafficking trial. “Reject her, she’s not young or hot enough” said Maxwell to her attorney, adding “oops, force of habit”.

500 people were hospitalized with stings as heavy storms washed scorpions into homes in Egypt. No one died, but all of them were disappointed that their State Egyptian Farm homeowners policies don’t cover scorpion damage.

A Maryland mayor was charged with 50 counts of distributing revenge porn on Reddit, at Subreddits including r/needysluts. A Reddit moderator condemned the mayor, saying his actions violated the strict community standards of r/needysluts.

An Australian reptile park said a ‘megaspider’ – a massive funnel-web spider measuring 3 inches long with fangs that can pierce a human fingernail – is the biggest of its kind they’ve seen; and that it took five stomps with a steel-toed boot to kill it.

Pennsylvania banned Japanese Barberry, an invasive ornamental shrub that crowds out native plants and provides a home for diseased ticks. The Department of Agriculture is awarding grants so ticks can be rehomed in the coats of deer.

A 38-year-old Massachusetts man with recurring seizures and episodes of “speaking gibberish” was diagnosed with tapeworms tbat had lived in his brain for years. Doctors were tipped off by the 7-Eleven Sushi Loyalty Club Card in his wallet.

A woman who uses a wheelchair surprised her fiance at their wedding by rising out of the chair and walking down the aisle. She realized her dream of walking down the aisle, and his dream of consummating their marriage with standing sex.

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Subway sandwich shops may be selling fake tuna fish, after a testing lab could not confirm the species of fish being sold as tuna. Apparently, tuna are just like millions of sandwich-loving Americans who wouldn’t be caught dead inside Subway.

White House First Dog Champ Biden passed away over the weekend. Surviving First Dog, Major Biden, asked for privacy during this difficult time so he could lick his own testicles.

Father of Kourtney Kardashian’s three children and legendary douche Scott Disick appeared on the Keeping Up With the Kardashians Reunion to answer why, at age 38, he’s dating a 20-year-old. Said Disick “because I can”.

Sprinter Usain Bolt and girlfriend Kasi Bennett welcomed twins, Saint and Thunder, who join older sibling Olympia Lightning. Usain & Kasi are unsure whether they’ll have more kids, or whether Bolt will disable his nuts.

Laurel Hubbard, a 43-year-old transgender female, will compete on New Zealand’s Olympic weightlifting team in Tokyo. Hubbard, who transitioned in 2013, wants to prove something to everyone who thought she didn’t have the balls.

Amazon kicked off its annual Prime Days sale. Competitors are creating their own online shopping events, with Target launching Deal Days, and Walmart holding their Hooray You Don’t Have To Actually Set Foot In Walmart sale.

The Supreme Court ruled against the NCAA, opening the door for student-athletes to receive “education-related compensation”. Football & basketball coaches immediately started interviewing academic tutors who are also exotic dancers.

American Airlines is reportedly cancelling flights because of a labor shortage. They say additional workers are needed. or else passengers will wait up to three hours for checked bags instead of the traditional 90 minutes.

Sesame Street introduced a gay couple for the first time. “Introduced? We’ve been here 40 goddamned years!” said Bert & Ernie.

Protesters at the Palm Springs unveiling of a 26-foot-tall statue of Marilyn Monroe, claimed it’s exploitative because it shows Monroe’s underwear, recreating a scene from The Seven-Year Itch. They also claim it’s unnecessary to have a statue of John F. Kennedy next to it, staring up her skirt.

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A 9-foot-8-inch great white shark was spotted in the Long Island Sound near Greenwich, Connecticut. When President Trump heard that there were great whites in Greenwich, he scheduled a rally there.

DressBarn announced they’re closing all 650 locations, leaving customers wondering where else they can go to look dumpy on a budget.

Spice Girl Mel B was temporarily blinded due to a herpes flareup in her right eye. She claims to be fully recovered, but is telling men she stared at to get tested.

  • As for how she got herpes in her eye, nobody’s buying her “bad mascara” story.

Jada Pinkett Smith said on her Facebook Watch series ‘Red Table Talk’ that at one point she had a “little porn addiction”. She then clarified that maybe she used the term ‘addiction’ a little lightly, and that by ‘little porn’ she meant dwarfs having sex.

The FBI raided the offices of uBiome – a company testing mailed-in samples of human feces to assess gut bacterial health – and accused them of fraudulent billing. Agents took computers and other records, but decided to leave the lab and the mail room alone.

Homeland Security is warning Facebook users of scammers requesting small sums of money, then following up with another scam accusing them of donating to ISIS and demanding payment to avoid jail. The scammers raised suspicion because unlike Facebook, they didn’t sell victims’ personal data.

A minor league baseball game between the Reno Aces and Tacoma Rainiers featured 33 runs, 39 hits, 16 walks, 10 home runs and about 20 spectators.

Sesame Street introduced its newest Muppet, a girl named Karli who lives with foster parents. Little is known about why she’s separated from her birth parents, only that her father “has a problem with cookies.”

A new study claims that cannabidol, or CBD – the non-psychoactive ingredient in marijuana – is effective in treating opioid addiction. This would make pot the first-ever gateway and exit drug.

Authorities in Delaware County, Ohio are investigating reports that middle school students put urine and semen in crepes served to teachers. Officials also cancelled the students’ plan to raise money for a class trip by selling cookbooks.

 

 

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Researchers at MIT have created tiny transforming robots, called ‘Primers’, outfitted with exoskeletons that change shape — allowing them to swim, walk, roll, glide..and star in at least five terrible movies.

According to a new survey from YouGov Omnibus, half of American adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 50 years; and 80% of Japanese adults believe having sex with robots will become common in the next 30 minutes.

Comedian DL Hughley said on his radio show that it’s easier to buy 10 guns than it is to buy two packs of Sudafed. An NRA spokesman replied, saying that’s because guns are proven to be more effective at clearing nasal congestion.

President Trump hosted a meeting at the White House to commemorate October as Hispanic Heritage Month. He asked if any of the Hispanic women in attendance had breast cancer so he could knock out two meetings at once.

Sesame Street launched new video tools to help children coping with trauma, starting with “Elmo Totally Just Can’t Even Right Now” and “Oscar The Grouch Wasn’t Carrying Flood Insurance“.

The Supreme Court ruled that employers can’t be forced to cover birth control as part of their health insurance offerings, so if you have your eye on that hot cashier at Hobby Lobby, budget for condoms.

AOL Instant Messenger will shut down for good in December, feted with a gala sendoff from sex cam models who retired on the money they made there.

Netflix is raising prices on its flagship service from $11.99/month to $13.99/month; in a move expected to draw outrage from cord-cutting millennials who spend $5/day on coffee.

Top CIA officials were quoted this week saying that North Korea’s Kim Jong Un is a ‘rational actor’ with ‘long term goals’ – and that he is ‘not crazy’. Asked if they were willing to say the same things about President Trump, they looked at their phones and said they had to take a call.

Lin Manuel-Miranda is set to release a new song ‘Almost Like Praying’ to benefit Puerto Rico disaster relief.  You have to wait six months to hear it at a cost of $500.