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Police arrested a man drilling holes in the dressing room walls of Target stores in suburban Philadelphia. No word on whether he planned to stick his Target Team Member in them.

Alabama passed the most restrictive anti-abortion law in the nation. Mississippi is next – they’re telling residents it’s illegal to shoot storks.

The College Board will assign an “Adversity Score” to students’ SAT results, in order to factor in their social and economic challenges. The scores will range from a high of “East L.A. Gang Member” to a low of “Olivia Jade”.

A Florida woman was arrested on charges of assault with a deadly weapon outside of a Key West strip club for throwing a coconut at a man recording video of her on his phone. She plans to fight the charge since she has a coconut permit.

A Florida man was arrested for practicing basketball in the nude at an Orlando-area park. He told cops practicing naked improves his skills. He put his clothes back on, but only after demonstrating a nifty crossover dribble from his right hand to his erect penis.

University of Washington researchers created an app that detects ear infections using a paper cone attached to the phone that you stick in your ear. You attach the cone to your phone, stick it in your ear and hope nobody calls you at that exact moment.

Taco Bell announced it’s opening The Bell: A Taco Bell Hotel & Resort this summer in Palm Springs. It’s supposedlly an immersive experience in ‘the Taco Bell lifestyle’ – which is why every suite in the hotel has four bathrooms.

SpaceX is launching a “mini constellation” of 60 satellites in an effort to deliver broadband internet access to underserved areas on the globe unable to stream porn.

Penn-Trafford school district in Pennsylvania is being criticized for putting a ‘Middle Eastern’ headdress on a teacher posing as an active shooter during a drill. The school apologized, saying its next drill will feature costumes from the drama club production of The Wizard of Oz.

Munich, Germany startup Lillum says it will offer flying taxis hailable by app starting in 2025, and wrongful death settlements starting in 2026.

 

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NBA star Steph Curry’s new Under Armour basketball shoe, the Curry 6, was co-designed by 9-year-old Riley Morrison, who had questioned why past versions didn’t come in women’s sizes. Curry’s will be the first lavender shoe in NBA games with light-up heels.

Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort was sentenced to 47 months in prison, a punishment approximate to the 48 months U.S. citizens were given in November, 2016.

A German man was sentenced to life in prison for attempted murder by poisoning his coworkers’ sandwiches. Defense attorneys unsuccessfully argued the coworkers were killing themselves anyway, since they were eating liverwurst.

UrbanSitter published rates to hire babysitters in 28 U.S. locations. The highest hourly rate was in San Francisco, which averaged nearly $20/hour, to a low of $0 in Mobile, Alabama & Hattiesburg, Mississippi – where respondents asked “why would I pay the dog?”

SpaceX’s Crew Dragon safely returned home from its supply delivery mission to the International Space Station, with pilot dummy ‘Ripley’ intact. Ripley will now be kept under observation for a week to see what pops out of its stomach.

Buffalo Bills GM Brandon Beane issued a public statement refuting reports that the Bills would acquire Steelers WR Antonio Brown, saying he’d prefer to groom malcontents instead of getting one off-the-shelf.

Disney shareholders narrowly approved a $35 million pay package for CEO Bob Iger. A dissenting voter at the annual meeting was quoted saying “Gawrsh! Guh-hoot, guh-hoot, when’s he gawrna start payin US more? Guh-hoot..”

President Trump will visit the site of Alabama tornadoes, which claimed the lives of 23 people. He’s expected to be joined by members of the National Weather Service & Army Corps of Engineers, assigned to monitor winds and keep his hair in place.

Philadelphia banned cashless businesses. Lawmakers argued that a quarter of city residents live in poverty and don’t have credit cards — meaning they probably don’t have cash, either, but, hey, let’s fix the symptom instead of the disease.

A new report claims the FDA is allowing manufacturers of wound-closing surgical staplers to hide incidents of malfunction, causing bleeding or death. The stapler malfunctions were brought to light by coroners examining cadavers’ surgical incisions closed with Scotch tape and paper clips.

 

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Julie Chen – wife of former CBS CEO Les Moonves – announced that she’s leaving ‘The Talk’.  No replacement host has been named, but it’s expected to be the spouse of whoever takes Moonves’ old job.

A chef in Australia killed an Airbnb guest in a fight over rent, and left the victim face down in a chocolate cake. A judge denied the chef bail so that he could bake a new one.

A live lion’s mane jellyfish – the largest jellyfish species in the world – washed up on a beach in New Zealand. Its tentacles can reach 190 feet long and it can have a ‘bell’ diameter of up to 7 feet.  It’s so big that, if it stings you, 100 people need to urinate on the wound to save your life.

An 83-year-old Irish grandfather fought off three armed robbers with a hammer and shotgun when they entered a betting parlor in Glanmire, County Cork. The robbers demanded the money, but the old man didn’t get enraged until they tried to steal his whiskey.

The National Education Association states that 554 teachers are running for public office this fall, which is expected to create a huge demand for Substitute Politicians.

Roseanne Barr revealed that her old tv show’s reboot, ‘The Conners’ will kill her character off via death by opioid overdose. A leaked script details how her sister Jackie finds Roseanne unresponsive, having downed alcohol and oxycontin while trying to sit through an episode of ‘God Friended Me’.

Marvel Studios unveiled the trailer for ‘Captain Marvel’, starring Brie Larson as pilot-turned-superhero Carol Danvers. Captain Marvel is said to be the most powerful hero introduced in the Marvel Universe – and you guys would know why if you just LISTENED to her once in a while.

September 18th is National Cheeseburger Day or, as President Trump calls it, Tuesday.

SpaceX announced that Japanese billionaire Yusaku Maezawa will be the first paid occupant of a SpaceX ship to fly around the moon. “He’s not driving, is he?” asked concerned Martians piloting other spaceships.

A Giant grocery store in Virginia destroyed multiple pallets of fruit after a customer was seen taking pieces of fruit, rubbing them on his bare buttocks, and putting them back.  He was arrested, but his lawyer argued that the banana and avocado stains on his skin prove that the fruit was over ripe for sale.

 

 

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President Trump took the field for the National Anthem played before the College Football National Championship game in Atlanta. Clips showed Trump singing along with part of the song, but not all of it. The anthem finished, and he asked what happened to his hot tea before launching into ‘Vision of Love’.

Apparel retailer H&M is under fire for a photo of a black toddler modeling a sweatshirt reading ‘Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’.  Even angrier are the parents of an Asian toddler modeling a ‘3rd-Coolest Monkey in the Jungle’ sweatshirt.

A new study in the journal Health Affairs states that a child born in the United States has a 70 percent greater chance of dying before adulthood than children born into other wealthy, democratic countries. The main causes are the U.S.’ fragmented health care system, and the high numbers of Southern children getting guns for their 10th birthday.

A U.S. spy satellite launched by SpaceX is believed to have been destroyed after failing to reach orbit. Or…has it?

A Florida man was arrested for public intoxication and shoplifting; as he left a grocery store, police searched his pants and found a full rack of ribs, two packs of hamburger buns, nine pieces of fried chicken and mashed potatoes. He faces petty theft charges and an angry girlfriend, whose salad he forgot.

Democratic lawmaker Michelle Lujan Grisham – leader of the Congressional Hispanic Caucus – said that she will try to crash a bipartisan meeting at 11:30 a.m. with President Trump regarding immigration. Her attendance is expected to be rejected, since they only ordered a dozen Big Macs.

85-year-old former Sheriff Joe Arpaio announced that he’s running for Arizona’s Senate seat in 2018. He’s backed by everyone who’s seen his medical charts that thinks they can win a 2019 special election.

Americans’ credit card debt hit a record high of $1 trillion in November, entitling them to $35 cash back and a free companion airline ticket.

North Korea and South Korea are having their first diplomatic talks in two years, where they’re expected to discuss nuclear treaties, border security and the winner of the kimchi cookoff.

Samsung debuted its 146-inch ‘Wall TV’ at the Consumer Electronics Show, in a simulated living room with a single La-Z-Boy recliner and a five-foot tall stack of empty pizza boxes.

 

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Alabamians decide between Republican Roy Moore and Democrat Doug Jones to see which man represents the state in the U.S. Senate. While some project a record turnout, others are not as confident, once residents learned that voting won’t count as credit toward their GED or community service.

Veteran NPR host Tom Ashbrook has been suspended for sexual misconduct, accused of giving “creepy sex talks and unwanted back and neck rubs” – made possible via a generous grant from Exxon/Mobil.

President Trump recorded a robocall endorsement of GOP candidate Moore that went out to Alabama residents on Sunday. It would have gone out sooner, but Trump said the robot didn’t meet him on the golf course like he’d asked.

Speaking at a pre-election rally, Roy Moore’s wife Kayla addressed critics who say her husband doesn’t support blacks or Jews by asserting that “one of our lawyers is a Jew.” And “I think a couple of our ‘Bama running backs are blacks.”

SpaceX is sending barley seeds to the International Space Station, as part of a research project for Budweiser. Although the astronauts conducting the research are asking that they be paid for it with “good” beer.

NFL Network suspended current studio analysts Marshall Faulk, Ike Taylor and Heath Evans after a former wardrobe stylist sued the network for sexual harassment. A judge in the case issued a gag order on puns involving “pass” “run” and “illegal use of hands.”

Facebook is reemphasizing the Poke, an early feature that users could click to get another Facebook friend’s attention. So go ahead and Poke that woman you’ve never met in real life and see how that works out for you.

Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson announced via Instagram that he and girlfriend Lauren Hashian are expecting a baby girl.  No word on the due date, just a teaser poster of the infant soaring out of the birth canal behind the wheel of a 600 horsepower Dodge Challenger.

Personal injury attorney Thomas J. Henry threw a $4 million dollar birthday party for his son’s 18th birthday, featuring celebrity appearances, performances by Diplo and Migos, and the gift of a new blue Ferrari. Asked if there was anything he didn’t get, the birthday boy said “a hug.”

President Trump signed an executive order to put U.S. astronauts back on the moon. Trump said “we will .. plant our flag and leave our footprint, then pull the flag out so I can finish putting.”

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San Francisco 49ers assistant coach Katie Sowers has come out, making her the first openly gay coach in the NFL. “Welcome to the club!” said an unnamed group of players comprising 10% of the 49ers roster.

According to a Priceline.com survey, 44% of Americans reported that the feeling they get from booking a cheap flight is better than sex. Most of the respondents were Spirit Airlines fliers, who can always count on booking cheap fares and getting screwed.

Former National Director of Intelligence James Clapper reacted strongly to President Trump’s rally speech in Phoenix Tuesday, saying he questions Trump’s fitness for office and his access to nuclear codes — especially since Trump had them all changed to ‘Password’.

In an excerpt from Hillary Clinton’s forthcoming 2016 campaign memoir ‘What Happened’, she said that when Trump stood behind her at the debates it made her “skin crawl”.  Said Melania Trump “..yeah? Now imagine the same thing, only he’s naked.”

Taylor Swift announced the release of a new album, ‘Reputation.’ The album drops in November, but it is already not speaking with Katy Perry’s new album.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell is rumored to be getting a 5-year contract extension through 2024. Goodell has so far made over $200 million as Commissioner. He said he’ll continue to stand during the national anthem, because there’s no room to sit with all the piles of money around.

Actor Robert Downey Jr is warning fans of online scammers posing as Downey to cheat people out of charitable donations — leading countless gullible nerds to stop Venmo payments to Stark Industries.

Mark Wahlberg tops the Forbes list of Hollywood’s highest-paid actors, followed by Dwayne ‘The Rock ‘ Johnson and Vin Diesel — offering continued hope to all of you good-looking, muscular guys in Hollywood who can’t act.

Ferrari unveiled a new 200-MPH convertible, and a new toupee super-glue for men buying it.

Elon Musk posted a photo on Instagram of the new spacesuit that SpaceX astronauts will wear on trips to the International Space Station. It features a fully redesigned helmet and bodysuit, with a fireproof pocket for astronauts to store their last messages to loved ones.

 

 

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A new study from the University of Missouri finds that spanking children does not change their behavior. It does, however, change parent’s behavior — making them big fans of spanking.

A group of men having a bachelor party, stranded on a sandbar off the South Carolina coast, was rescued by the Coast Guard. However the Coast Guard has suspended the ocean search for a seriously sunburned stripper.

A Japanese bar is using macaque monkeys as waiters & waitresses to entertain tourists. The monkeys bring food and drinks to the table, then grossed-out patrons summon a human to take it all back.

The Secret Service states that they’ve depleted their budget due to the expense of protecting President Trump’s large family and accompanying him on golf trips. That, and Eric Trump is making them pay for their own greens fees, carts and meals.

Major League Baseball umpires are donning white wristbands to protest verbal abuse by players, and what they claim is the Commissioner’s weak discipline of offending players. The umps may have to change from white to a different color, since many of them are mistaking the wristbands for the ball and calling them strikes.

Elon Musk has called for a ban on autonomous killer robots – which he calls a bigger potential threat to humanity than nuclear weapons. He made the statement during a keynote address to an annual meeting of autonomous non-killer robots building Tesla cars and SpaceX rockets.

NASA released a photo of the International Space Station crossing the path of the solar eclipse. NASA thanked the ISS Crew, then rushed a launch sending a new crew, since all of the astronauts on the Station were blinded while taking pictures.

Google introduced its new Android operating system, Oreo. Google begs everyone to remember that this is just named after a cookie, not anything racist.

Maine’s Republican Governor Paul LePage said that removing Confederate statues is like taking down 9/11 memorials. Maine has neither, so the Governor commissioned a sculpture of Robert E Lee crashing a giant bird into George Washington’s boat as he crossed the Delaware.

In 2020, Volkswagen will introduce a fully-electric version of its iconic 1960s/70s Minibus, a favorite of road-tripping hippies during the era, who spawned the phrase “ass, gas or grass – nobody rides for free.” The new vehicle slogan is “hugs, drugs or electric plugs – nobody rides for free.”