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The Masked Singer eliminated The Bear, who was revealed to be Sarah Palin. The Bear/Palin had rapped Sir Mix-A-Lot’s ‘Baby Got Back’, with Palin admitting that “I like big butts” was dedicated to Donald Trump.

LEGO is releasing Nintendo Super Mario themed playsets. When you step on a Super Mario LEGO mushroom you don’t get coins, you still get a sore foot.

ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’, Peter Weber, selected Madison Prewett to be ‘the one’, despite his mother openly campaigning for him to choose a different woman. Female viewers seeing a boyfriend’s mother act like a total bitch call it the most realistic thing ever about ‘The Bachelor’.

The NBA suspended its season after a Utah Jazz player Rudy Gobert tested postitive for coronavirus. When games resume, it’s expected that Gobert will be open.

NCAA men’s and women’s basketball championship tournament games will only be attended by family members. Players are concerned about having to call their own fouls.

Disney and other Florida theme parks are staying open despite the spread of coronavirus. Kids are adjusting to getting their picture taken with Mickey Mouse standing six feet away.

Progress continues on Disney’s ‘Avengers Campus’ at their California Adventure theme park. Rumors has it that, if you’re willing to pay for the Thanos Pass, you can snap your fingers and make half the lines disappear.

The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. However the World Dog Health Organization announced that cats can get it and should be dealt with accordingly. [story h/t to J.L.]

A new study claims 90% of new moms can identify a baby by its smell. That increases to 98% if the baby needs to be changed.

A U.S. Customs officer was arrested and charged with attempting to smuggle 40 pounds of cocaine. The contraband was detected by drug-sniffing dogs at Atlanta’s airport who were honestly dying for something to do these days.

 

 

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White Claw hard seltzer added three new flavors – lemon, watermelon & tangerine. Their next new flavor will be beer.

Fans of The Masked Singer are outraged at the early eliminations of Chaka Khan and Dionne Warwick. Khan and Warwick said that they, too, are angry they won’t win a contest that pays no money while they sing dressed in mouse and monster costumes.

Fox News contributor Britt McHenry underwent surgery to remove a golf-ball sized brain tumor. Now that she has even less brain tissue, her support is stronger than ever for Donald Trump.

A Philadelphia person tested for the coronavirus does not, in fact, have the infection. Like so many others, it turns out there are lots of places the coronavirus wants to visit before Philadelphia.

Pro wrestler & notorious ‘heel’ MJF gave the finger to a 7-year-old boy at a meet-and-greet event in Chicago, then justified his action in a later statement, “f*ck them kids”. As a make-good, the boy will get a private VIP session with MJF, who will piledrive him.

Passengers on Princess Cruises’ Grand Princess ship were told to stay in their rooms while they wait to get screened for coronavirus, after a prior passenger on the vessel died. It’s so bad, the whales swimming near the ship wear face masks.

Police in Doylestown, Pennsylvania are looking for a man who stuffed $100 worth of tequila down his pants. The thief was so excited, he hung the bottles by their handles.

Google cancelled their I/O 2020 technology convention over coronavirus fears. Google cancelled despite having collected enough personal info on attendees to know who, exactly, is going to get the virus.

The Google Assistant will now read articles in your browser aloud with the command “Hey Google, read it.” Annoyed passengers on buses, planes & trains can give the command “Hey Google, shut the f*ck up.”

Senator Elizabeth Warren is rumored to be ending her presidential campaign, leaving student loan deadbeats with one last remaining hope.

Pornhub announced they’re releasing their first non-pornographic video. It’s a porn star and her kids at the Grand Canyon that she uploaded by mistake, but really captures the scenery.

 

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Elon Musk attended the grand opening of Tesla’s first auto factory in China. “We can’t wait for eight more years to go by so we can drive the cars!” said assembly workers.

The presiding judge in Harvey Weinstein’s trial threatened to throw Weinstein in jail unless he stopped using his mobile phone in court. Weinstein finally relented and put it away after fifty quick swipes right.

Dr. Sanjay Gupta believes that you can live to 100 if you find your sense of purpose, or “ikigai”. Many women dispute this, saying they’re married to an icky guy and want to die right now. [Story & joke credit to J.O.]

Charmin debuted the ‘Rollbot’, a robot that delivers toilet paper to you when you run out. They invented it because Roomba refused to bring it in there.

Madame Tussaud’s wax museum is being criticized for a statue of Nicki Minaj that looks nothing like her. Tussaud’s admits they got the face wrong, but for the buttocks they just didn’t have enough wax.

Rob Kardashian asked for full custody of his daughter, Dream. He claims her mother, Blac Chyna, has taught the 3-year-old girl how to ‘naked twerk’ and say curse words. The judge denied the request, and congratulateed Dream on getting cast in five different hip-hop music videos.

Fox Networks will air The Masked Singer spinoff The Masked Dancer. Celebrities will attempt to guess the identity of The Masked Dancer, with guesses ranging from “JLo” to “the crackhead at the subway station”.

A new study in the UK finds people who tried ‘Sober January’ in 2018 continued to drink less eight months later, mainly because their friends stopped asking them out to the pub.

Over 72,000 Americans died from alcohol-related deaths in 2017, more than double the number from 20 years earlier. No specific causes were cited for the increase, but doctors noted the introduction of Bud Light Lime-A-Rita around 2012.

Rodrigo Alves, a reality TV star known as the “human Ken Doll”, has come out as transgender and declared their pronouns as “she” and “her”.  Alves, however, reserves the right to switch back, since she has no genitals, just molded plastic reading “Mattel”.

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Congressional Democrats announced their plan to proceed with Articles of Impeachment. Republicans announced their plan to try to get Trump to read them by drafting a Pop-Up Book of Impeachment.

Hillary Clinton appeared on The Howard Stern Show and denied ever having a lesbian affair or attraction to women – despite the disappointing effect it had on 30-year-old Bill Clinton.

United Airlines CEO Oscar Munoz is stepping down. United will hold a press conference to introduce the new CEO, and for Munoz to be ceremonially dragged out of his office by flight attendants.

Walmart.com will sell the KFC Fried Chicken-scented firelog “while supplies last” – which should be a while as folks in Mississippi learn how to order stuff on the internet.

Medical journal The Lancet reports millennials with high cholesterol are at greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and getting punched out in line at Popeye’s.

New pro football league XFL debuted the uniforms and logos its teams will wear when the league kicks off in February, 2020, and which will appear on t-shirts worn by children in third-world countries later in the year.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he will not fire head coach Jason Garrett mid-season – unless the season you’re talking about is “spring”.

Website 24/7 Wall Street compiled the 40 Worst U.S. Cities to Drive In based on fatalities and traffic congestion. Nine of the top ten are in California, the other top-ten city is Seattle, and nobody at 24/7 Wall Street has ever visited New Jersey.

Sergei Brin and Larry Page, founders of Google and its parent company Alphabet, are turning over all management responsibilities to CEO Sundar Pichai. They say they’ll meet periodically with Pichai behind closed doors, piles of money, and an army of supermodels.

The Masked Singer revealed the identity of its latest eliminated contestant, former Destiny’s Child member Michelle Williams. Williams thanked the show for helping her regain confidence and to help pay Bills, Bills, Bills.

 

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Lori Loughlin has been dropped by all Hallmark Channel productions following her arrest in a college admissions cheating & bribery scandal. “Ch-CHING!!” said Valerie Bertinelli’s agent.

The U.S. Senate blocked a resolution to make the entirety of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s report public, but will consider a different resolution to convert the thousands of pages to Cliff Notes.

Actress and mom Keira Knightley said during her appearance on The Tonight Show that the children’s animated show ‘Paw Patrol’ is like “toddler crack”. Knightley faces a lawsuit from the makers of fortified juice box Toddler Crack.

Stanford University examined almost 100 million state & city police traffic stops from 2011 to 2017 and found black & latino drivers were more likely to be stopped and searched. Attractive women were more likely to be stopped and engaged in awkward conversation.

Butterball recalled 80,000 pounds of ground turkey after five people were sickened with salmonella, but it’s still full speed ahead for Chipotle’s new turkey gobbler burrito bowl.

The Red Hot Chili Peppers will play a live show at Egypt’s legendary pyramids in Giza. The show is expected to draw a huge crowd of the group’s most loyal longtime fans – local mummies.

The Masked Singer champion, rapper T-Pain, told the crowd at the iHeartRadio Music Awards that when he first met Taylor Swift, he “headbutted” her boobs. T-Pain then signed on for Fox’s new celebrity storytelling competition, The Unmasked Pervert.

Britain’s Thomas Cook Airlines announced they’ll sell a row of three economy seats that can be converted into a bed, for somewhat-affluent creeps who want to grope other passengers or themselves while lying down.

At an employee-only event, Boeing debuted the world’s longest jumbo-jet, the 777X. Because of controversy over grounding of its 737 MAX jets, Boeing didn’t want to make a big splash with the 777 – at least not until a carrier tries flying one across an ocean.

Some U.S. airlines are discontinuing flights to Venezuela in the wake of that country’s civil turmoil.  Affected tour companies are refunding tickets to everyone who purchased a Electronic Blackout & Starvation spring break getaway.

 

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FedEx recruited the inventor of the Segway to build a new delivery robot. FedEx called on Segway because they want to ensure the robot looks ridiculous.

All employees at three Sonic Drive-Ins in Ohio walked off the job after the locations were sold to new management – resulting in the temporary closure of all 3. Regular customers were found passed out in their cars after spending hours shouting orders heard by no one in to a speaker.

A ‘Dinner Delivered’ food delivery driver in Tennessee was arrested for allegedly placing his testicles in a customer’s salsa because they’d only tipped him 89 cents on a prior visit. The salsa went from chunky to chunkier.

#TheWorstPartsOfMyJob is trending on Twitter, with one verified account tweeting “Anything that isn’t Executive Time.”

A 12-year-old Arizona student told police that he was ordered to ‘stand guard’ while his 13-year-old friend and their teacher, 27-year-old Brittany Zamora, groped each other. The 12-year-old described Zamora as “not a good person”, adding he never got a turn.

The Masked Singer concluded Wednesday. The winner, Monster, was revealed to be rapper T-Pain. He defeated finalists Bee – Gladys Knight; and Peacock – Donny Osmond. The search begins for Season 2, which will take a half-hour to lock in forgotten rappers and celebs who were big in the 70s and 80s.

Producers of ‘Suicide Squad 2’ announced that Will Smith will not appear as Deadshot. Smith cited scheduling issues, including promotion for his big blue genie in the live-action Aladdin, also known as Career Suicide Squad.

The equipment manager for Indiana University Pennsylvania’s basketball team forgot to pack the team’s uniforms for a road game at Edinboro University, so they had to use the host team’s old uniforms. Worse, they were football uniforms.

Robocalls grew 325 percent in 2018, leaving cell phone owners annoyed at the intrusion, and wondering why their credit cards still don’t have lower rates after they gave that guy their social security number.

An all-female version of Broadway hit ‘Glengarry Glen Ross’ is in the works. Casting will begin as soon as script writers figure out how to fill two hours of stage time showing angry women in an office not speaking to each other.

An original Disney Mouseketeer, Dennis Day, has been missing for 7 months. Mickey Mouse Club officials say they’re changing the C in the theme song lyrics from “see you real soon!” to something else.