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President Trump defended comments saying he’d accept dirt on a political rival from a foreign power, tweeting that he meets many international leaders, including the ‘Prince of Whales’ – the guy who won that Sumo tournament he watched in Japan.

The St. Louis Blues are National Hockey League champions after defeating the Boston Bruins in Game 7 of their playoff final. President Trump is expected to invite the team to the White House, including their newest star, Stanley Cupp.

Amanda Knox visited Italy for the first time since her 2011 acquittal of murdering her roommate. She’s expected to speak on a panel addressing media influence, and to admit that, despite spending four years in Italian prison, the food there is really great.

Singer Maren Morris posed topless for an upcoming issue of Playboy. She told fans “why don’t you just meet me in the middle?”…but was informed she didn’t get the centerfold.

You can now sign into your Google Account using iOS on an Android Phone. Try explaining that to your Dad.

Paul McCartney releases his first children’s book, ‘Hey Granddude’ in September. It’s about kids and grandparents having fun. His first manuscript ‘Grandpa Married & Divorced A Woman With a Prosthetic Leg’ was rejected by publishers.

American Airlines flight attendants are going to court to protest an attendance policy  they consider cruel. If a flight attendant accumulates 10 ‘points’ in a year for unapproved days off or lateness, a human resources rep stands & points to the exit as they’re fired.

The owner of Bombay Grill in Utah refused to allow military veterans to eat there because they were accompanied by service dogs. He defended his actions, saying the dogs tend to wipe out the whole buffet.

A German state is shutting down its Facebook page over privacy concerns, disappointing the many followers of Das Kitten Videosen.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife, Elin Nordegren, is reportedly pregnant with a third child, and the first she’ll carry in the absence of terrible golf puns.

The New England Patriots have filed tampering charges against the Houston Texans for allegedly courting Pats’ director of player personnel Nick Caserio for their vacant GM job. The NFL will review the case with both the pot and the kettle.

 

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A 41-year-old California woman was arrested and charged for having sex with her daughter’s underage teen boyfriends. She avoided jail time, telling the presiding judge she thought this was how you become a high school math teacher.

A 22-year-old man died outside of a Chuck E Cheese in Alabama while changing his daughter’s diaper, when a loaded gun inside of the diaper bag fired, hitting him in the chest. A GoFundMe set up for the daughter has collected 10,000 Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

Beyonce released a new live album to coincide with ‘Homecoming’, the Netflix documentary of her 2018 Coachella performance. Critics are either raving about it, or avoiding being verbally beaten into submission by her fans on social media.

The NFL releases its 2019 schedule Wednesday night. On Thursday morning, Orchids of Asia Day Spa releases updated hours once they see which weekend the Patriots visit Florida to play the Dolphins.

The FDA has halted all use of transvaginal mesh in surgical procedures for women, and is also expected to ban transvaginal drywall.

An artist for the video game ‘Assassin’s Creed Unity’ claims detailed 3D drawings created for the game could help with the post-fire reconstruction of Notre Dame Cathedral. The Israeli Space Agency is checking to see if its destroyed Beresheet lunar lander could be rebuilt using artwork from Super Mario Galaxy.

Presidential hopeful Pete Buttigieg was heckled at a rally in Iowa. Buttigieg, who is gay, heard shouts of “remember Sodom and Gomorrah!” — referencing both the Bible, and Joe Sodom & Floyd Gomorrah who are seeking the Libertarian ticket nomination in 2020.

ADHD diagnoses have risen 30% over the past eight years. Noting the climb in obesity rates over the same span, doctors say the attention deficits are concerning, but the hyperactivity?…not so much.

President Trump announced that he’ll present Tiger Woods with the Presidential Medal of Freedom, commemorating Woods’ presidential traits of playing lots of golf and banging porn stars behind his wife’s back.

Time Magazine shocked observers by naming both Brett Kavanaugh and Christine Blasey Ford – who accused Kavanaugh of sexual assault – to the Time 100 list of ‘most influential people’. Following them on the list was the woman who coined the phrase “I just can’t even right now.”

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Today is Tax Day, the last day to submit your federal, state & local income tax returns. It combines the one thing Americans aren’t very good at – math – with the other thing they are very good at — lying.

Tiger Woods won The Masters on Sunday, his first major championship win in 10 years – capping off a remarkable recovery from a near-career-ending bout with sex addiction.

The White House is evaluating transporting illegal immigrants to so-called sanctuary cities throughout the country. The policy projects to be a huge win for the owners of Megabus and the owners of children who didn’t think they could afford a nanny.

A Scandinavian Airlines flight landed 65 miles away from its target destination because of a GPS error. It turns out the pilot set Google Maps for ‘walking’ directions by mistake.

A 29-year-old man crashed his car, stripped naked, then went into a Palmdale, California McDonald’s and stabbed an 88-year-old man eating with his grandson before being shot dead by a security guard. “Some Happy Meal” said the grandson.

  • Patrons were shaken by the incident, and just as shaken to learn that McDonald’s has armed security guards.

A 21-year-old construction worker in India survived after a length of cast iron ‘rebar’ pierced both sides of his skull. Surgeons removed the bar without inflicting damage, after deciding against pouring concrete around it and leaving it there.

Lucasfilm CEO Kathleen Kennedy said that, after the release of ‘The Rise of Skywalker’ in December, there will be a break in release of Star Wars films. She’s meeting with ‘Game of Thrones’ creators David Benioff & D.B. Weiss to shape the next decade of stories, which will apparently have lots more nudity and bloody death.

The Coast Guard evacuated a 71-year-old woman a Royal Caribbean cruise ship after she showed heart attack symptoms. She was removed along with three family members, but medics refused her request to bring a to-go box from the seafood buffet.

Samantha Cerio, the Auburn University gymnast who dislocated both knees in a tumbling routine shared millions of times in a viral video, said she hopes to walk down the aisle at her summer wedding. Her fiancee said so long as she scores a 9.0 or higher on the walk, he’ll go through with it.

The Department of Justice will release the complete report from Special Counsel Robert Mueller on Thursday. Democrats are hoping to schedule a crucifixion on Friday.

 

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Barry Lubin, 65, who performs in the Big Apple Circus as ‘Grandma the Clown’, resigned after a former female aerialist in the circus said he pressured her to pose for pornographic photos when she was just 16. In a statement, Lubin said “what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Honk. Honk.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with The Guardian that he doesn’t want his 10-year-old nephew on social media. Cook prefers kids that age to focus on other things, like assembling iPads.

In the wake of the U.S. corporate tax cut, Starbucks announced that they’re spending $120 million on higher wages for workers, and that eligible hourly workers will receive a bonus check of $500 with the wrong name written on it.

A 1.7-billion-year-old chunk of Canada was found in Australia. The sedimentary sandstone rocks, native to Canada, were identified by their sensible toques and the gratitude they expressed to geologists for being found.

Tiger Woods told reporters that he’s ready to return to the Tour — the Stormy Daniels ‘Make America Horny Again’ Tour.

The Justice Department is threatening to subpoena 23 so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ for failure to comply with immigration regulations. Lawyers spent several hours Wednesday morning explaining to President Trump that issuing a subpoena to a city doesn’t mean everybody in the city needs to show up for the hearing.

Wednesday is National Peanut Butter day, in case you’re wondering why your single lady friend stayed home with her dog.

Toys R Us is closing 180 stores. Amazon is offering to pick up the slack, inviting parents to bring toddlers to the toy section of their warehouses for meltdowns.

A rare endangered North Atlantic right whale was spotted off the coast of Mexico; experts say it’s the same whale that was spotted in Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month. It’s unclear why the whale is choosing this pattern, but DEA agents want to speak to the whale about the contents of a large suitcase it’s carrying.

Chinese researchers successfully cloned two twin macaque monkeys, using the same method pioneered in 1996 to clone sheep. The monkeys are healthy, living in an incubator, but are impatiently asking anyone to clone some goddamned bananas.

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A Russian research team unearthed the fossilized remains of a 10-ton, 17-foot-long sea cow on a Siberian beach. Experts believe the sea cow wanted to spend time at the beach, but needed to go to Siberia to avoid crowds & body-shaming.

Thanksgiving night fights forced officials to shut down the Riverchase Galleria Mall in Birmingham, Alabama, as fathers of teenage girls sought to protect them from Roy Moore.

GOBankingRates released a list of the 15 most affordable states for Millennials to buy homes. Topping the list? West Virginia – where it’s estimated that a home can be bought after just two-and-a-half years of selling meth.

DamToys is selling a 12-inch Steve Jobs figurine for nearly $200. It berates other nearby action figures and comes with 10 accessories, none of which is a daughter that the figurine refuses to acknowledge.

President Trump tweeted on Friday that he was heading to Trump National Golf Club to “play golf (quickly) with Tiger Woods and Dustin Johnson.” ‘Quickly’ means he’ll quit when they won’t let him win.

A Swedish power plant near Stockholm that uses recycled materials as fuel is burning unsold clothing from fast-fashion chain H&M; the company that owns the plant is hiring hundreds of mean girls to follow classmates around telling them to ‘burn that outfit’.

Following a second accuser’s claim that he grabbed her buttocks during a photo at the Minnesota State Fair, Senator Al Franken issued a new apology, and verified that he’s banned from the livestock exhibit at this year’s fair.

Oprah Winfrey shared her lavish Thanksgiving dinner spread on Instagram, including four 22-pound turkeys for her and her guests. Winfrey, a Weight Watchers spokesperson, declined to say how many Weight Watchers points she consumed, but was photographed with her food diary and a scientific calculator.

Michael Flynn is no longer sharing information regarding the Russia investigation with President Trump’s lawyers, leading observers to believe Special Investigator Robert Mueller has “flipped” Mueller to testify against The President. Sensing an opportunity, Russian President Vladimir Putin has offered to let Flynn use his Safe House.

Duchess Kate Middleton – pregnant with her third child – went off-roading with her husband, Prince William, at the Jaguar/Land Rover factory in England. “Off-roading” in this case meaning using Parent With Toddler parking instead of valet.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Supermodel Chrissy Teigen told Cosmopolitan that she thinks she’s been drinking too much and wants to ‘fix’ her drinking habit. She made the determination when her breast-feeding 1 year-old daughter drove her tricycle into a tree and was arrested on suspicion of DUI.

President Trump addressed the nation on Monday, saying he was sending 4,000 additional troops to Afghanistan – just as soon as work is completed on the new 4,000-room Trump Tower Kabul.

A spokesperson for skier Lindsey Vonn said that the leaked nude photos of Vonn and ex-boyfriend Tiger Woods are a “despicable invasion of privacy.” Woods was just happy to show off his six iron.

A British Airways passenger was forced to sit on a urine-soaked seat for the duration of an 11-hour flight from London to Cape Town. “Me too” said the infant who rode in the seat on the prior flight.

Snack bar company KIND dumped 45,000 pounds of sugar in Times Square to make a statement about child sugar intake and obesity – and in the process helping out dozens of bee families, hungry from a day of sightseeing in New York.

Six Flags Amusement Parks will no longer display Confederate flags. Instead they will fly six American flags at half-mast to honor park visitors who have been thrown off of their roller coasters.

German police arrested two men on drug trafficking charges, and confiscated thousands of orange ecstasy pills made in the shape of Donald Trump’s head. The dealers admitted they chose Trump’s head to let buyers know that they’d be happier but way, way stupider.

McDonald’s announced that they were cancelling franchise agreements with 139 of their restaurants in India. Since McDonald’s in India won’t sell beef or pork, you can pretty much figure out that the fries must have really sucked.

Reshma Saujani, the CEO of non-profit Girls Who Code, told CNN that women create businesses to solve problems, whereas men create companies to “replace their mothers”. The statement was promptly condemned by the Founder/CEOs of Merry Maids and Jersey Mike’s Sandwiches.

The State of Oregon, which had promised free community college tuition for all new students, doesn’t have the money and will have to turn some students away. The state’s Secretary of Education will take a gap year to figure out what to do with his life.

 

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Mary Kay Letourneau’s husband, Vili Fulaau, has filed for a separation. Her lawyer is seeking to dismiss the petition because he’s grounded.

All-time women’s tennis record holder for Grand Slam titles Margaret Court criticized the sport, saying it’s “full of lesbians”. Said the Women’s Tennis Association: “yeah, so?”

At the time of his arrest for DUI, Tiger Woods stated that he was taking four prescription pain killers. Presumably, to treat his sex addiction. Officers said Woods was asleep in his car. He told police he was watching golf on his laptop.

Boston Childrens Hospital is doubling the number of therapy dogs. The dogs visit the rooms of sick children, once they’ve verified the kids’ health care coverage.

Kris Jenner was granted a restraining order against her alleged stalker – apparently, the only man in the world who doesn’t know she has five daughters.

A great white shark jumped in to a fisherman’s boat off the coast of Australia. The shark explained that he hadn’t eaten a surfer in weeks, grabbed a sandwich and swam off.

A couple who claimed to be trying to have sex for 17 years welcomed sextuplets. They credited the births to fertility drugs, and a switch to vaginal intercourse.