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A Yellowstone supervolcano may blow sooner than expected, producing enough ash and debris to wipe out the planet. The findings were shared by researchers from Arizona State, who received a D when they were reviewed by researchers from better schools.

The National Center for Health Statistics reports that obesity among U.S. adults has reached an all-time high. Facebook responded by launching its new Order Food feature nationwide.

Amazon will add 120,000 jobs for the holidays, including placing thousands of greeters at Walmart and Target stores reminding shoppers they don’t have to be there.

Rose McGowan’s suspension from Twitter over her criticism of alleged sexual harassers Harvey Weinstein and others has sent the #womenboycottTwitter hashtag trending — meaning that it isn’t exactly working.

The United States is pulling out of UNESCO — the United Nations Cultural Organization — over what the White House calls their anti-Israel bias. President Trump said that he remembered trick-or-treating for UNESCO when he was a kid, and keeping the money.

Vladimir Putin received a new puppy for his birthday. The puppy denies involvement in the mysterious deaths over the last week of its feline critics at his former shelter.

The head of a government bureau responsible for background checks said the volume of errors on Jared Kushner’s security clearance applications are “a new low”. Kushner’s application contained over 100 errors and omissions. Kushner told investigators he didn’t know it was a take-home project.

Miley Cyrus admitted that she was high while filming the video for ‘Wrecking Ball’. Producers confirmed this, saying they delayed shooting while they outfitted the wrecking ball with a seatbelt.

Dating app Bumble, where women make the first move, has launched Bumble Bizz, a feature of the app that lets women make networking connections. Bumble created the feature in response to complaints that men are hitting on women via LinkedIn – men will congratulate women on their new position, and ask if there are other positions they’d like to try.

Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg told the Congressional Black Caucus that the company plans to add a black executive to the board of directors. She wouldn’t comment on the candidate, saying only that his initials were J.Z.

Mashable reports that major league sports teams from the NBA, NHL & MLB have all stopped staying at Trump Hotels while on the road. Frustrated Trump Hotel bar groupies have changed strategy and now set their sights on getting pregnant with really rich racists.

 

 

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A YouGov/Omnibus study reveals that 53% of Millennial women have received a naked photo from a man. The other 47% hadn’t checked their text messages that day. [h/t to J. Ost]

Boy Scouts of America announced that they’ll admit girls. Young women who choose to join Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts will henceforth be known as Bi Scouts.

Raging California wildfires are burning large marijuana crops. The fires are expected to cause shortages of recreational marijuana, and police are dealing with record invasions of Taco Bell from ravenously hungry rabbits and deer.

President Trump tweeted that relief efforts for Puerto Rico can’t go on forever; adding that nothing is forever, just ask Ivana and Marla.

Pornhub told TechCrunch it’s utilizing a robot to document performers, sex positions and categories of its content.  Pornhub says that the robot’s work is incredibly accurate, but it has a hard time talking to its female coworkers.

Technology company Purpose has developed a new chatbot called ‘Hope’. The bot is targeted to those who need help coping with their concerns about Donald Trump. Hope will reply to you with tips to speak to conservative friends, ways to contact elected officials, and liquor coupons.

Rose McGowan’s Twitter account has been suspended for digital harassment, different from digital harassment employed by Harvey Weinstein.

 

Australian doctors removed a woman’s lymph node, which became cancerous with ink that migrated from a tattoo she’d received 15 years earlier. She’s expected to make a full recovery, and Air Supply has generously paid to touch-up the tatt.

An asteroid that size of a house will zoom past Earth on Thursday at a distance of about 26,000 miles, according to NASA. The asteroid is exploring a run for U.S. President in 2020.

An essay on how to treat women in the workplace is going viral. Victoria Clark writes on Medium that men should treat women the same way they would treat Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson. Some women oppose The Rock Test, saying male coworkers are asking them to pose topless and flex; and confused men say they don’t have $10 million to give their female coworkers to make terrible movies.

 

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Saudi Arabia will allow women to drive for the first – and, in many instances, last – time.

  • While many Saudi women applauded the move, others asked “if we still can’t drink, what’s the point?”
  • Shares of Mini Cooper, Subaru & Saudi Urgent Care all soared on the news.

New York Giants co-owner John Mara said he’s unhappy with Odell Beckham Jr celebrating a touchdown by pretending to be a urinating dog. Also unhappy? – Mara’s dog – who said Beckham Jr should have peed on the goal post.

In San Diego, construction began on eight prototypes for President Trump’s proposed border wall. So far designs are split between stainless steel, and subway tiles with a decorative splash of color.

  • Once complete, the walls will be tested by Homeland Security; they’ll ask Crossfit enthusiasts to attempt tossing 10 pound bags of cake flour over it.

Chelsea Manning was denied entry into Canada; when Customs officials asked if she had anything to declare, she rattled off 45 minutes of U.S. Intelligence secrets.

Joanna & Chip Gaines, co-hosts of HGTV’s Fixer Upper, announced the show is ending. The time slot is expected to be filled with Flip Or Flop‘s Christina & Tarek El Moussa’s divorce hearings, Fixer Downer.

Russia threatened to block Facebook until they comply with a law requiring storage of its Russian users’ personal data on Russian soil.  Facebook has yet to respond, but expressed doubt about storing anything on soil.

Founder Jack Dorsey said Twitter will test doubling tweet length to 280 characters, delighting windbag liberal pundits who can now thread 10 anti-Trump tweets instead of the usual 20.

WalMart is introducing a line of 100 baby products under their new L’il Dirtbag brand.

A USA Today investigation revealed that in 2012, a Wisconsin music teacher told two 2nd Grade boys they couldn’t play Abraham Lincoln in a class skit because they were too “dark-skinned”. The teacher was reprimanded, and the dejected boys each walked home five miles uphill.

Acting Drug Enforcement Agency Administrator Chuck Rosenberg is leaving. Sources say he didn’t like having Trump as a boss and wants to work for someone smarter and more compassionate like El Chapo.

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Justin Bieber struck a 53 year-old photographer with his pickup truck, scoring his first-ever hit with middle aged men.

Dunkin Donuts announced they’re scaling back expansion plans. Luckily, their best customers are not.

North Korea threatened a nuclear missile strike at “the heart of the U.S.” The Pentagon ruled out The White House as a target.

Melania Trump will make her first solo trip as First Lady, not counting Bergdorf Goodman. Mrs. Trump will attend the Invictus Games in Toronto. “Oh! Justin Trudeau will be there? I didn’t know that…” she said.

President Trump talked tax reform, telling the Wall Street Journal the people he cares most about are “the middle income people who have been getting screwed.” Trump went on to describe himself as a middle income person who’s been getting screwed.

Secretary of State Rex Tillerson denied rumors that he plans to quit, telling reporters he always carries an empty cardboard box in to work every day.

A study found signs of degenerative disorder CTE in 110 of 111 brains of deceased NFL players. League Commissioner Roger Goodell dismissed the findings, saying they still needed to look at more dead placekickers’ brains.

Senator Lindsey Graham defended his colleague Jeff Sessions, saying that if President Trump fired Sessions, there would be “holy hell to pay.” “He’s right, Lindsey & I just talked today” said Satan.

Jeff Bezos passed Bill Gates as the World’s Richest Man. Gates then cancelled all of his Amazon Prime subscriptions and passed Bezos again.

Amazon announced it will fill as many as 50,000 open jobs at a nationwide Job Fair next week. The final hiring count depends on how many robots show up to interview.

A Chinese company has installed ‘Husband Pods’ in China shopping malls, where guys can sit in a recliner, play video games and watch tv while their wives and girlfriends shop. They said they got the idea by being men.

Hillary Clinton’s upcoming 2016 Presidential Election memoir will be titled ‘What Happened’ – surprising the editor who had suggested ‘You Gotta Be F—ing Kidding Me’.

Twitter lost 2 million U.S. users in the second quarter, but gained more than can count in Russia.

The TSA announced that iPads, other tablets & e*readers will be screened separately, as they do with laptops, reminding travelers to backup their porn before every trip.

Coke announced that it’s discontinuing Coke Zero and replacing it with Coke Zero Sugar, setting up a Who’s On First moment when smooth-talking southerners say “I’ll have a Coke Zero, sugar..”