Longtime Van Halen frontman David Lee Roth announced his retirement from music – joining his vocal cords, which retired 25 years ago.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver and vocal anti-vaxxer Cole Beasley cut his signature long blonde hair, saying he was donating it to teenagers who go bald from the COVID vaccine.

John Mellencamp said in an interview that Bruce Springsteen is “like a big brother.” “John who?” asked Springsteen.

Hospital statistics in the New England area reveal 3,268 babies named ‘Brady’ during the Tom Brady era with the Patriots…and one very unhappy baby named ‘Belichick’.

Authorities are trying to explain their difficulty in locating Brian Laundrie. They say one of the biggest reasons is that alligators don’t vomit too often.

The charred remains of a 3-bedroom, 1 1/2 bath home destroyed by fire in Melrose, Massachusetts sold for $399,000. According to the Zillow listing, the house has “good bones” – of the people who lived there.

Play was suspended in the National Women’s Soccer League as the Commissioner resigned, and two head coaches were fired amidst accusations of sexual harassment. Players called it a necessary kick in the balls.

Dog The Bounty Hunter said his ‘tip line’ for leads in the search for Brian Laundrie has gotten “thousands” of calls, but that his cassette-tape answering machine filled up after the first five.

Peloton introduced its new treadmill, after recalling the old one for injuries to children caught under it. Peloton saidchildren are safe around the new treadmill, but can’t promise anything for kittens and small dogs.

Facebook whistleblower Frances Haugen appeared on ‘60 Minutes‘, saying the social media giant prioritized profit over user safety and information integrity – claims that Facebook executives dismissed as “about right”.

Ben Affleck and girlfriend Ana de Armas broke up. A source said they’re at different points in their life – his point is about 30 years ahead of hers.

Pearl Jam reportedly sent threatening letters to U.K. tribute band Pearl Jamm, telling them to change their name and stop selling merchandise. Pearl Jamm’s attorneys say they won’t comply, citing landmark legal case ‘Van Halen v Vann Halenn‘.

A man was discovered living in Chicago’s O’Hare Airport for 3 months, claiming he was afraid to fly home to Los Angeles because of COVID-19. He was arrested, but immediately entered rehab to treat a Cinnabon addiction.

The New York Mets fired GM Jared Porter after discovering he’d sent explicit text messages and photos to a female reporter back in 2016. Porter is expected to begin a new job as Brett Favre’s publicist.

Melania Trump will not follow tradition and give incoming First Lady Jill Biden a tour of the White House living quarters prior to the Inauguration. Melania claimed it wasn’t rudeness, it’s because of Taco Tuesday.

A woman in the U.K. claims that her Gwyneth Paltrow ‘vagina candle’ exploded. Paltrow’s rep said you’re not actually supposed to light it, you just move your hands gently around it until it gets warmed up.

A Canadian teen, lost and separated from his snowmobiling group, told authorities he survived the night by staying in a snow cave that he made. “You mean that we made” said a friendly bear.

Police in Spain discovered two tons of cocaine in a shipment of charcoal. They arrested a drug dealer who really messed up helping out at the fire department chicken barbecue.

The FBI arrested Riley June Williams, 22, accused of stealing a laptop from Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s office during the DC riots. No word on the laptop, other than it has a new high score in Candy Crush.

Tomorrow, the “nuclear football” will transfer from Donald Trump to Joe Biden. Biden hasn’t decided whether he’ll wipe all the New England Patriots autographs off of it.

The FBI is warning hackers can exploit vulnerabilities in internet-connected “Smart TVs”. They added that most Americans don’t need to worry because they only watch dumb shows.

‘Van Halen’ is trending on Twitter after singer Billie Eilish told a talk show host she didn’t know who they are. Worse, she did know Van Hagar.

The White House declined Congressional Democrats’ invitation to participate in Impeachment Hearings on Wednesday –  criticizing the process, and adding they conflict with a scheduled appearance of Miss Universe on Fox & Friends.

Melania Trump debuted the White House Christmas decorations in a theme called “The Spirit of America” – it’s a bunch of trees decorated in white trying to keep trees decorated in color outside.

American Airlines grounded a flight out of Florida after a woman faked an illness to get a better seat.  The woman was removed from the flight, and the dog she was sitting next to got the whole crate to himself.

American Hockey League defenseman Josh Healey has developed an app that lets players report abusive coaches and agents anonymously. It also offers tutorials on how to pull their shirt over their head and punch them while on skates.

Ikea is helping to design habitats for future human colonists living on Mars. They figure if they make the furniture even more frustrating to assemble, the colonists will forget they’re living on Mars.

The U.K. Office for National Statistics lowered the life expectancy for babies born in 2019 to 90.6 years, down from 93.6.  They cite overly optimistic prior estimates, and really, really, bad British baby food.

After numerous complaints, Amazon stopped selling Christmas tree ornaments featuring pictures of Auschwitz concentration camp. Your last chance to get one is the White Elephant/Yankee Swap with the racist guy at your office holiday party.

Actress Gabrielle Union claims her contract as a judge on ‘America’s Got Talent’ wasn’t renewed because producers deemed her hairstyles “too black” and called her “difficult”. She regrets not being there this season to watch people play Yankee Doodle on their armpits and duct-tape their balls to the back of their neck.