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Republicans in the House of Representatives removed Wyoming’s Liz Cheney from her position as GOP House Chair in a closed-door vote. Cheney emerged from the meeting, said the vote was a fraud, and once again gained Donald Trump’s support.

Violence continued between Israel and Palestine, with the two factions trading rocket attacks and air strikes. The U.S. is hoping to broker a cease fire so the two sides can have the annual Israeli/Palestinian All-Star Game.

The NFL releases its 2021 schedule tonight. They’re expected to showcase 17 prime-time games featuring Tom Brady’s Super Bowl Champion Tampa Bay Buccaneers, and special halftime shows featuring Aaron Rodgers pouting in front of a mirror.

Tyson Foods, a leading chicken supplier, claims their current chicken supply shortage is because newer roosters selected for breeding “aren’t meeting expectations”. Tyson hens put it more bluntly, saying “just admit it, they’re gay”.

Los Angeles County records show that Caitlyn Jenner did, indeed, vote in the 2020 election. Jenner has not yet addressed her voting lie, but did release a statement admitting her current shade is not her natural hair color.

General manager Jennifer Lopez confirmed she’s designated Alex Rodriguez for assignment, with the purpose of granting his unconditional release. Lopez also announced designated hitter Ben Affleck has been given a 30-day tryout deal.

Horse trainer Bob Baffert – suspended after Derby winner Medina Spirit tested positive for steroids – admitted the horse was rubbed with ointment containing a banned substance. Baffert’s suspension is upheld, and Medina Spirit was ordered to stop hanging out with Barry Bonds.

Ellen Degeneres will end her daytime talk show after the 2022 season. Ellen informed her staff on May 11th, and promised to make time to belittle each and every one of them before the show ends.

Instagram users can now add pronouns to their profiles. “Is ‘big boobs’ a pronoun?” asked hundreds of influencers.

Frank Sinatra’s home in the California desert is for sale, priced at $4.25 million. It features a 5 bedroom, 5 bathroom main house on over 7 acres, with a pool, a guest house, and the unmarked graves of Teamsters leaders who refused to be bought.

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A shark of “significant size” – sighted off the Long Island coast – closed beaches there. This was disappointing to both beachgoers, and to the shark, who hoped to dine on swimmers of “significant size”.

Women are posting black-and-white selfies with the caption “Challenge Accepted”, as a way of showing support for women peers. They’re also posting “Challenge Declined” after Donald Trump asked them to make the pictures nudes.

Philadelphia City Schools announced all classes will be held virtually from September through the first grading period in November. Dropouts will be invited to a dedicated Zoom lobby to transact their usual business online between classes.

Jeff Bezos’ ex-wife, MacKenzie Scott, says she’s already given away $1.7 billion of her fortune. Her former pool boy is now retired and interviewing pool girls.

McDonald’s is closing 200 restaurants, over half of them are located inside Walmarts. They say Walmart managers are tired of senior citizens driving their cars through the entrance.

A source close to Kim Kardashian told the New York Post that Kim feels Kanye ‘may have hit rock bottom’ – after many years hitting big bottom.

Philadelphia exotic dancers held a “stripper strike” at a public park to create awareness toward improving working conditions at gentleman’s clubs. They also gave kids lots of new moves to try out on the climbing bars.

The camera used to record Los Angeles Police officers beating Rodney King in 1991 is going up for auction, with an asking price of $225,000. Cameras used to record hundreds of other acts of excessive police violence are available for a lot less at the Apple Store.

Budweiser is launching Budweiser Zero, a 50-calorie, alcohol free beer. Exectutives are hoping to steal market share from tap water.

A 1,000-year-old natural remedy made from onion, garlic, wine and bile salts has shown promise in clinical trials treating diabetic foot and leg infections. The trials began following diabetics showing improved symptoms after blacking out eating the Never Ending Pasta Bowl at Olive Garden.

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Pew Research claims millennials may have difficulty buying a home, because wealthy baby boomers are divorcing and taking the inventory. Or, millennials can decide to hook up with a divorced 60-year-old.

Kim Chavez, owner of Wyoming strip club The Den, spoke to USA Today about the pandemic: “We knew that once our doors closed, we were screwed until we could reopen.” Now they’ve reopened, dancers wear masks, and are screwed in the Champagne Room.

Anosmia, or losing your sense of smell and taste, has been added to the official list of coronavirus symptoms in the United Kingdom. “Great!” said the U.K. general manager of KFC restaurants.

As quarantine restrictions continue, more Americans are using their cars as office space. Some have even hired consultants who have extensive experience working in cars: prostitutes.

FC Seoul, a soccer team in South Korea, apologized after the team used rubber sex dolls to fill the stands, holding up signs for the company that makes them. FC Seoul players were even more disappointed, thinking they finally had groupies.

Grubhub users discovered that Pasqually’s Pizza & Wings is really food made at Chuck E. Cheese locations. They figured it out when the food was delivered by a giant rat who insisted on doing song & dance routines.

Apple Stores are planning to slowly reopen. They’ve slowly downloaded the reopening plan and are just waiting for it to slowly install before restarting.

An Ocean City, Maryland restaurant, Fish Tales, is enforcing social distancing by making patrons eat & drink while standing inside of giant inner tubes on wheels. The good news is blackout drunks’ heads just bounce off it.

John Krasinski’s quarantine hit YouTube series ‘Some Good News’ went on hiatus after its 8th episode. Its rumored replacement is ‘Some Terrible News’ which is Jared Kushner talking to a smartphone camera about his day.

The U.S. reportedly needs up to 180,000 ‘contact tracers’ to gauge exposure from those with COVID-19. They seek tech-savvy people with success investigating others’ location using the phone and social media .. so, dumped boyfriends & girlfriends.

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An Air Force A-10C Warthog “unintentionally released” a rocket in the Arizona desert between Phoenix and Tucson. Multiple displaced jackrabbit families applied to FEMA for disaster relief.

Severe lung illnesses in e*cigarette users may be tied to an ingredient in cannabis-containing vape products, according to nurses working the medical tent at Phish shows.

Tom Brady expressed his support for USWNT soccer star Carli Lloyd becoming a kicker in the NFL, adding that he’d show her how to make the balls easier to kick by letting a little air out of them.

Kanye West purchased Wyoming’s Monster Lake Ranch for $14 million. Wyoming had been considered one of the few remaining safe spaces from Kanye’s music.

An American Airlines mechanic allegedly sabotaged a jet carrying 150 passengers so he could collect overtime fixing his own damage. He’ll be tried separately from the catering service who sabotaged the passengers’ stomachs when they bought food on board.

A 74-year-old Indian woman now holds the record for “world’s oldest mom” after giving birth to twins following in-vitro fertilization. The twins also broke a record, becoming the youngest humans to speak a complete sentence saying “get me out of there.”

Retired NFL star Marshawn Lynch said if he were NFL Commissioner, he’d legalize marijuana for players. And cheerleaders. And fans. And pretty much everyone.

Kylie Jenner told Ellen Degeneres that her sisters “tease her” about being a billionaire, and about having to learn serious math to know, like, how much a billion is.

Former Starbucks CEO Howard Schultz announced he will no longer run for U.S. President, saying he suffered a back injury that required three surgeries, caused by carrying his money around.

Facebook officially launched Facebook Dating – its long-awaited companion product to Facebook Cheating.

Kate Middleton, Duchess of Cambridge, officially debuted new blond highlights on her kids’ first day of school. The world is now ready to learn goofy new British slang terms for blond hair.