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The Philadelphia Eagles defeated the New England Patriots 41-33 to win Super Bowl LII. Philadelphia Mayor Jim Kenney is expected to hold a news conference with details about a citywide victory parade. Meanwhile, Satan, Mayor of Hell, is expected to brief residents with advice on dealing with Sunday night’s freezeover.

The Eagles parade route hasn’t been officially announced, although speculation is that floats will be set ablaze near City Hall, and flipped over on the way to the South Philly stadium complex.

Rebekah Martinez, a 22-year-old woman reported missing from Humboldt County, California, was found as a contestant on ABC’s ‘The Bachelor’. Martinez had told her parents that she was going to work on a marijuana farm, but hadn’t been heard from since leaving home. Her parents are relieved, but ashamed that she didn’t get the job on the marijuana farm.

The makers of Dodge Trucks are being criticized for using a sermon from Martin Luther King, Jr in their Super Bowl Ad. The company stood behind the ad, saying they’ve long admired Dr. King’s “I Have a Ram” speech.

Australian-owned luxury cruise line Scenic Cruises plans to commission its 2nd ship equipped with its own helicopter and submarine. They say the vessels will help affluent travelers get to hard-to-reach exotic locations, and will also help to transport vomiting norovirus victims to the middle of the ocean faster.

MMA fighter Timothy Woods attempted to throw his opponent, Tim Caron, to the mat, but instead landed on his head and knocked himself unconscious for several minutes, losing the bout. Woods also punched himself in a mirror when he woke up, losing the rematch.

Ray Lewis was elected to the Pro Football Hall of Fame, joining O.J. Simpson in the Acquitted Double Murderer wing.

Scientists claim to have discovered the first warm-bodied fish. It swims alone because it isn’t very smart and is named Ryan Lochte.

A joint women’s ice hockey team comprised of North and South Koreans played its first pre-Olympic match against a team from Sweden, losing 3-1. The North Korean players hope to improve their execution during the official games, and avoid execution once they arrive home after.

Cape Town, South Africa pushed back ‘Day Zero’ – the estimated day when it exhausts running water – from April 16 to May 11, citing a decrease in agricultural water use and its citizens’ unexpected strength ‘holding it’.

 

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An all-Tesla racing league is in the works. Drivers are looking for pit crew members that can change tires and stick the plug in the right way on the first try.

Russian cybersecurity company Kaspersky Lab released findings that one-quarter of the malware found on Android phones used porn videos as the bait – starring Russian porn starlet Kandi Kaspersky.

Uber and Lyft drivers are surprised to learn that each app has implemented a tip limit for passenger payments. “Yeah, can you believe it? It’ll only let me tip you two bucks” say cheapskates.

A private practice nutritionist in NYC says that eating pizza for breakfast is better than eating most sugared cereal, a claim disputed by General Mills – makers of Papa John’s Chocolate Meat Lovers Crunch.

President Donald Trump approved the release of a controversial GOP memo alleging FBI abuse of surveillance, despite “grave concerns” from his FBI director and Democrats. Trump refused to release of a rebuttal document from Democrats, and the D- reading comprehension score he received summarizing the report’s contents.

The report is expected to be made available later today, and will be readable unless you’ve used up your 10 free articles for this month linking the Trump campaign to the Russians.

Punxsutawney Phil predicted six more weeks of winter. And Puertotawney Phil predicted at least six more months without power.

Shares of toy maker Mattel fell almost 9% on Thursday, as holiday sales failed to meet expectations. Barbie doll sales were actually up during the holidays, but were offset by disappointing demand for Time’s Up Ken.

A New York City teacher giving a lesson on slavery made several black students lie on the floor, and even stepped on some of them to ‘show what slavery felt like.’ Parents were outraged, although one of the stepped-on students asked for her phone number.

A plot to bombard the upcoming Marvel Black Panther movie with negative Rotten Tomatoes user reviews has been identified and will be monitored by the site. Assistance was offered by the Justice League, but Rotten Tomatoes said “no thanks.”

 

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The Secret Service is warning of a new crime wave, “Jackpotting”, where thieves hack an ATM and empty it of cash. Since it takes several minutes, the crooks pose as ATM repairmen, or as your grandfather trying to do anything on an ATM.

Traffic to hospitals in the wake of this season’s flu outbreak is so overwhelming, that some are setting up beds in waiting rooms, putting an enormous strain on supplies of 4-year-old People magazines.

Actor Robert Wagner has been named a ‘person of interest’ in the 1981 drowning death of his then-wife Natalie Wood, as LAPD reopens this cold – and wet – case.

Nashville Mayor Megan Barry admitted to an extramarital affair with the former head of her security detail. Barry apologized to her husband, to the people of Nashville, and especially to everyone who had to hear the country song her ex-lover wrote about it.

Major League Baseball announced that all 30 teams will extend protective netting to the end of dugouts in order to prevent spectator injuries from flying foul balls. Ushers will also be authorized to provide helmets to vulnerable fans who black out drunk & bored.

President Trump bragged that tv ratings for his State of the Union address were the “highest.. in history”, a claim disproved by Nielsen ratings for speeches by Obama, Clinton and George W. Bush. Trump’s team fired back that Nielsen ratings don’t include the 2 million TVs at Trump Hotels and Mar-A-Lago that only show Fox News.

Democrats claim that a confidential memo critical of the FBI, authored by GOP Rep Devin Nunes, was significantly altered prior to being given to President Trump. Republicans said they needed to alter it to get it down to one page and to add a comics section to make sure the President read it.

Nintendo announced that Mario Kart is coming to mobile phones in 2019. Highway patrols are gearing up for a rash of accidents from distracted drivers swerving to avoid bananas.

Startup Edovo has secured several million dollars in funding for its product that provides tablet-based education to jailed prisoners. Early results are encouraging, with many prisoners learning how to read, write code, and stab someone to death with an iPad.

Google announced an upcoming change to Google Assistant, that won’t require users to say “Hey Google” before asking a question. Assistant-equipped products like Google Home will simply spring into action whenever someone says “goddamnit, why don’t you look it up yourself?”

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Harley Davidson says it’s on track to deliver its first electric motorcycle in 18 months, giving biker gangs time to redirect a portion of their drug sales to charging stations.

The State of California may require a cancer warning on coffee. Starbucks plans to stay ahead of the requirement with its introduction of the Chemolatte.

Melania Trump attended President Donald Trump’s first State of the Union address wearing white after Labor Day, Christmas Day, New Years Day and Stormy Day.

The First Lady rode separately to the State of the Union, so she could practice giving the silent treatment to the heroes attending as guests riding with her.

Brenda Fitzgerald, Director for the Centers for Disease Control, resigned after it was revealed she bought and sold stocks in tobacco companies. Her resignation comes just prior to the release of her first tobacco-related report: ‘Cigarettes – At Least They’re Not Ebola’.

A Wall Street Journal report states that elite colleges and universities like University of Pennsylvania and Georgia Tech spend as little as 8 minutes reviewing student applications. Conversely, a spokesperson for the University of Phoenix said they typically take up to three full days waiting for the check to clear.

Russia’s government warned that locusts could destroy the grass fields at FIFA World Cup 2018 stadiums, and have added increased border security to prevent winged insects from the U.S. traveling to disrupt the outcome.

Gwyneth Paltrow’s website introduced a new line of bath salts called Goop Bath, and was promptly sued by a porn company for trademark infringement.

Amy Duggar, niece of ’19 Kids and Counting’ reality stars Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar, said that she wants to adopt the 13 abused Turpin children, so that they can get the 1-on-50 attention that only the Duggar family can provide.

Mel Gibson is reportedly working on a sequel to Passion of the Christ; the working title is Passion of the Christ 2: Die Harder. [h/t to Jeff Ost]

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Cambodian authorities arrested 10 foreigners for so-called “pornographic dancing” at the site of the Angkor Wat temple. If convicted, they face up to a year in jail, and another year pornographic dancing at one of Cambodia’s many pornographic dancing go-go bars.

A 13-year-old Maryland boy was flown to a hospital to have a large screw removed after it became embedded in his skull during a treehouse-building accident. Post-surgery, the boy told doctors he expected to get screwed in his treehouse, but not like this.

A 7-year-old Miami first grader was handcuffed by local police after hitting his teacher. The boy returned to class the next day and was showered with affection by 7-year-old girls who just can’t help crushing on bad boys.

A 20-year-old Australian college student located secret U.S. training bases via running maps shared by soldiers’ fitness trackers using the Strava app. The Aussie was also able to pinpoint the location of ISIS training cells using maps posted by the My Terrorism Pal app.

Executions are reportedly increasing in North Korea, as more military officers are being accused of corruption, and to keep citizens entertained as the good North Korean tv shows go in to reruns.

Apple is cutting production of its flagship iPhone X after reports of weak Christmas sales, and reports of iPhone X owners getting beat up for repeatedly sharing singing animoji videos.

LPGA Tour golfer Suzann Pettersen said in an interview that President Donald Trump “cheats like hell” while playing golf, usually with the help of his caddie, Stormy.

Travellers are being warned about barefoot walks on tropical beaches after a Canadian couple walking in the Dominican Republic contracted hookworm parasites on their feet. Also, Dominican hookworms are being warned about deportation to Canada.

Volkswagen is under fire after it was revealed that they performed tests exposing monkeys to diesel fumes. VW fired back, saying the monkeys were well compensated, and were already being exposed to diesel fumes unloading trailers at Walmart warehouses.

A new study by the University of Redlands states that in 20 years, up to 65% of jobs in Las Vegas could be automated. These include retail clerks, casino dealers & cashiers and sex robots for Asian tourists cheating on their other sex robots.

 

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NASA states that an asteroid may pass by Earth during Sunday’s Super Bowl. But, since the asteroid is expected to miss everybody by 2.9 million miles, they’re naming it Third String Quarterback.

President Trump called out Jay-Z on Twitter about Trump’s policy contributions to low black unemployment, while Jay-Z said that Omarosa and Ben Carson cancel each other out.

Casino mogul and accused sexual predator Steve Wynn stepped down as Finance Chairman of the Republican National Committee – in what Democrats are privately calling a Wynn-Win.

James Franco was removed from the cover of Vanity Fair‘s Hollywood issue due to his sexual misconduct allegations. However, Vanity Fair said they’d consider putting him on a future cover if he wants to pose topless & eight months pregnant.

Talentless blowhard Piers Morgan tweeted a ‘teaser’ of his interview with President Donald Trump, wherein Trump declares that he’s ‘not a feminist’. Trump believes instead of males being feminists, women should be self reliant, grabbing themselves by the pussy and pulling themselves up.

Florida Senator Marco Rubio fired his Chief of Staff Clint Reed over ‘improper relations with subordinates’. When presented with the facts, there was really Little Marco could do.

Replacing the refrigerators on Air Force One will cost taxpayers $24 million in parts & labor, and $50 million a year in Diet Coke and Haagen-Dazs.

Elon Musk’s The Boring Company is accepting preorders for a $500 flame thrower. A portion of the proceeds will go to awareness and prevention of really unique suicides.

Monthly movie theater subscription service MoviePass pulled out of support for some of AMC Theaters highest-traffic cinemas in the hope AMC will sweeten its deal terms, and because MoviePass found out the popcorn they serve was made weeks ago.

SpaceX is scheduled to launch the Falcon Heavy – the world’s largest rocket – in early February. The rocket is powerful enough to send humans to Mars, although its maiden launch will carry a dummy payload. Eric Trump said he can’t wait for his family’s space vacation next week.

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The New York Times reports that President Trump wanted to fire Special Investigator Robert Mueller last June but was talked out of it, by White House Senior Counsel Stormy Daniels.

‘Fire And Fury’ author Michael Wolff is allegedly behind a new rumor linking President Trump in a sexual affair with U.N. Ambassador Nikki Haley. Rumors were fueled by recent refills of Cialis with the Presidential seal shipped to the U.N., and Secret Service carrying supersoakers full of lubricant.

President Trump is ordering a 20% tariff on imported washing machines, which is what he calls Haitians.

A new study of Australian teenagers in journal Lancet Public Health claims that parents who provide alcohol to underage teens may increase their alcohol-related risks later in life, but the underage drinking teens will make an above-average Manhattan.

Former tv star Adam Hicks, of the Disney sitcom Zeke and Luther, was arrested along with an accomplice and charged with four armed robberies of pedestrians in Burbank California. Hicks was held on $350,000 bail and is scheduled to receive the coveted Dana Plato Child Actor Lifetime Achievement Award.

2017 Oscar winner Casey Affleck has backed out of presenting this year’s Best Actress Oscar, saying none of them are all that hot, anyway.

Actress Brie Larson was photographed in costume on the set of the upcoming Captain Marvel film. Website The Nerdist wrote that “her costume isn’t quite what we expected” since it’s shades of green instead of blue, red & gold. That’s right, in 2018, even female superheroes can get blasted by geeks for their outfit choice.

Apple previewed upcoming iOS release 11.3, which will feature new Animojis, battery-management tools and updates to Apple Pay. The system will be available for download in the spring, and you’ll be able to use it by the end of summer.

Fistfights and riots broke out at locations of the French supermarket chain Intermarche, as shoppers battled to get containers of Nutella at a 70% discount. In several instances, French police were called to dispense wine and cigarettes to get everyone to calm down.

Zero-commission stock trading app Robinhood added zero-fee cryptocurrency trading, making it easier for people with smartphones to buy and sell something that they know absolutely nothing about.

A new startup, Cargo, raised millions in funding for its product – which allows Uber drivers to sell snacks and essentials to passengers, and for passengers to sell deodorant to drivers.

 

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Donald & Melania Trump marked their 13th anniversary Wednesday. Traditionally, the 13th anniversary is marked with a gift of lace; so the President laced his wife’s drink with rohypnol before she could lock herself in a separate bedroom.

Illusionist David Copperfield is accused of drugging and assaulting a model 30 years ago, when she was just 17. The woman claims Copperfield poured a substance in her drink, then hid the rest of the drink by pouring it into a top hat.

Oprah Winfrey addressed recent rumors by telling InStyle magazine that she “doesn’t have the DNA for a presidential run…..just tons and tons and tons of money for it..”

Heather Nelson became the first woman to head a whisky distillery by herself. Nelson – founder of Toulvaddie brand – posed for her official CEO portrait, disliked it, and then posed for another after the artist had a few scotches…and looked great.

A senior Trump Administration official in the Housing & Urban Development department apologized for calling a member of the White House press corps “Miss Piggy”, saying “that’s the President’s job.”

Scientists in Greece have recreated the face of “Dawn”, an 18-year-old girl whose 9,000-year-old remains were found in a cave in 1993. Scientists are now working feverishly to recreate another 18-year-old girl to tell Dawn how cute she looks.

United Airlines announced that it’s increasing capacity on flights between 4 and 6% this year; Southwest said they’ll be adding 5% more room. The additions are a combination of more Basic Economy seats, and Companion Crates for people traveling with small dogs.

A New Jersey couple being married by a judge had to finish the ceremony in a courthouse bathroom, as EMTs gave oxygen to the bride’s mother for her asthma. Ironically, she was the only one who didn’t have difficulty breathing.

Facebook’s Oculus team invented a new increment of time for use in processing content. The ‘Flick’ is 1/705,600,000 of a second long; and they’re encouraging content creators to embrace it by calling Facebook “a huge waste of Flicks.”

‘Flip or Flop’ star Tarek El Moussa is reportedly dating lingerie model Patience Silva. The two met on a celebrity dating app, and things got serious after she approved the five-figure budget to work in her backyard.

 

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Barry Lubin, 65, who performs in the Big Apple Circus as ‘Grandma the Clown’, resigned after a former female aerialist in the circus said he pressured her to pose for pornographic photos when she was just 16. In a statement, Lubin said “what I did was wrong, and I take full responsibility for my actions. Honk. Honk.”

Apple CEO Tim Cook said in an interview with The Guardian that he doesn’t want his 10-year-old nephew on social media. Cook prefers kids that age to focus on other things, like assembling iPads.

In the wake of the U.S. corporate tax cut, Starbucks announced that they’re spending $120 million on higher wages for workers, and that eligible hourly workers will receive a bonus check of $500 with the wrong name written on it.

A 1.7-billion-year-old chunk of Canada was found in Australia. The sedimentary sandstone rocks, native to Canada, were identified by their sensible toques and the gratitude they expressed to geologists for being found.

Tiger Woods told reporters that he’s ready to return to the Tour — the Stormy Daniels ‘Make America Horny Again’ Tour.

The Justice Department is threatening to subpoena 23 so-called ‘sanctuary cities’ for failure to comply with immigration regulations. Lawyers spent several hours Wednesday morning explaining to President Trump that issuing a subpoena to a city doesn’t mean everybody in the city needs to show up for the hearing.

Wednesday is National Peanut Butter day, in case you’re wondering why your single lady friend stayed home with her dog.

Toys R Us is closing 180 stores. Amazon is offering to pick up the slack, inviting parents to bring toddlers to the toy section of their warehouses for meltdowns.

A rare endangered North Atlantic right whale was spotted off the coast of Mexico; experts say it’s the same whale that was spotted in Panama City Beach, Florida earlier this month. It’s unclear why the whale is choosing this pattern, but DEA agents want to speak to the whale about the contents of a large suitcase it’s carrying.

Chinese researchers successfully cloned two twin macaque monkeys, using the same method pioneered in 1996 to clone sheep. The monkeys are healthy, living in an incubator, but are impatiently asking anyone to clone some goddamned bananas.

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A new Bankrate study states 9 million people are hiding credit cards, savings or bank accounts from their live-in partner. Surprisingly, 31% of respondents say they consider “financial cheating” worse than “physical cheating.” Not surprisingly, the men who admitted using a joint checking account to have sex with a hooker did not get congratulated for it.

Item-tracking company Tile laid off 30 employees; and the Tiles attached to their laptops and other office supplies were traced to employee toilets.

A Norwegian Airlines jet broke the record for fastest transatlantic flight in a subsonic aircraft, going from New York to London in just 5 hours, 13 minutes – a 30-minute improvement off the old record. The jet’s speed was boosted by an especially powerful jet stream, and the pilot’s decision to have Indian food for lunch.

Just in time for Valentine’s Day, Las Vegas McCarran Airport is adding a pop-up marriage license bureau, where lovers looking to tie the knot can buy their license for $77. Visitors are asked to complete a pre-application, or to just skip it altogether, spend the money on blackjack and have one less thing to regret.

The dog flu is spreading across the U.S. for the first time in years; animal experts say few dogs are immunized, largely because the dogs run when they hear the word ‘vet’.

Former porn star and alleged Donald Trump mistress Stormy Daniels kicked off her “Make America Horny Again” tour at a strip club in South Carolina. Official tour t-shirts are available for $25 dry, or $30 wet.

New Jersey’s first lady told the crowd at a Women’s March that she was sexually assaulted, her speech was followed by a speech from former Governor Chris Christie’s last lunch entree, which was assaulted, but not necessarily sexually.

Great Britain’s Princess Eugenie of York is engaged to Jack Brooksbank – the soon-to-be “Eugenie Brooksbank” will receive the British Crown’s Award for Most Britishest Sounding Name Ever.

Twitter’s Chief Operating Officer resigned, hashtag #TrumpIsYourProblemNow.

Rum maker Bacardi is buying tequila maker Patron for $5 billion; $4 billion in tangible assets, and $1 billion in goodwill from douchebags and drunk chicks.