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The City of Philadelphia is changing all of its street lights to high-efficiency LED technology, following thousands of complaints from residents who couldn’t see who they were shooting or what car they were jacking.

A 35-year-old Indiana woman died of water toxicity after drinking too much water while on vacation – making one more public relations black eye for Dasani.

A tornado made landfall on Cape Cod earlier in the week – confirmed as a Category EF1, or, according to locals, a Wicked Twistah.

A 65 year old. woman suffered severe leg injuries after being bitten by a shark at New York’s Rockaway Beach. Officials blame warmer water temperatures, and sharks evolving taste for dry aged meat.

Los Angeles municipal workers joined hotel employees, actors, and writers on strike. So that’s pretty much everybody.

Rapper Tory Lanez was sentenced to 10 years in prison for shooting Megan Thee Stallion. She showed her approval for the stiff sentence by clomping her hoof once.

An umpire called up from Triple-A to work first base during Game 1 of a Phillies/Nationals doubleheader had 3 calls overturned by manager challenges. Major League Baseball announced he’s being promoted to Crew Chief.

The Made In America music festival in Philadelphia was cancelled by organizers, citing “severe circumstances outside of production control”. Although insiders say headliner Lizzo had fat-shamed a Benjamin Franklin impersonator, Gritty, and the Phillie Phanatic.

A United States nurse working in Haiti has been released by Haitian gang members who’d kidnapped her & her daughter. She’s thankful to be free and looking forward to being kidnapped in someplace a lot nicer.

Burger King announced a $400 million turnaround plan to reverse declining customer visits – $250 million in restaurant renovations, $150 million in advertising and digital app development, and $0 on the food.

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One person was injured following a fire at a Sherwin Williams paint factory in Texas. First responders described the fire as Summer Citrus Orange.

Florida officials kicked off the 10-day Florida Python Challenge – with $30,000 in prizes to humanely kill invasive Burmese Pythons. Hundreds of pythons have been removed, although several competitors in the Youth Division are reported missing.

The American Red Cross implemented new LGBTQ+-friendly blood donor guidelines. Transfusion recipients will have the ability to opt out of receiving the LGBTQ-donated blood which will definitely make them gay.

A Miami woman was arrested for hiring a hitman to kill her 3-year-old son. Daycare workers apprehended a 4-year-old as he wrapped the cord of a Sesame Street phone around the target’s neck during naptime.

An Italian man died after being crushed to death by thousands of wheels of cheese. It took 11 hours for workers to find his body under the wheels, and another 11 hours to remove the cheese they grated to get to him.

Sandra Bullock’s longtime partner Bryan Randall died at age 57. Bullock requested privacy while she awaits meeting a handsome widower at a farmer’s market who, over the course of 100 minutes, convinces her that she can fall in love again.

Kim Kardashian revealed she recently broke her shoulder, admitting she wasn’t ready to pick up and hold her own children. [Alternate: Kim Kardashian revealed she broke her shoulder, but won’t say how she managed to sit on it.]

Five teenagers were shot at a Philadelphia playground. All are expected to survive, but they’re also now “It” in their ongoing game of Philly Tag.

Zoom is requiring some workers to return to physical offices, and will offer additional training on how employees can mute coworkers in-person.

A New York City landlord lost a court battle to evict a tenant who claimed to be opening an acupuncture clinic, but opened a brothel instead. Either way, someone is still being stuck as others are getting screwed.

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The FDA approved the first-ever pill to treat postpartum depression. It’s a sleeping pill for babies.

Chris Christie returned from an unannounced trip to Ukraine and spoke of the atrocities he experienced there – like seeing a blown-up McDonald’s in Kyiv.

Elon Musk said his ‘cage match’ with Mark Zuckerberg may be delayed. He’s getting an MRI on his neck and upper back to see if they’ve been damaged by carrying around his fat head.

Amidst a record-breaking heat wave, an oncoming typhoon will force the evacuation of 40,000 youths & adults at the World Scout Jamboree in South Korea. No scouts have died, but if they do, organizers are promising posthumous merit badges.

Lightning strikes in the area forced a delayed start to Beyonce’s Washington, DC concert. A shelter-in-place order was issued to concertgoers, and performers were ordered to twerk-in-place.

A Florida man was arrested after his wife’s remains were found in three separate suitcases and a tote bag. The tote bag was so he could stow her head under the seat in front of him.

Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was heckled to ‘retire’ during the entirety of a five-minute speech in his home state. The speech consisted of “Good”, 4 minutes & 58 seconds of silence, and “morning”.

A Smith & Wesson revolver owned by Elvis Presley is up for auction, where it’s expected to sell for between $60,00-90,000. It features custom engraving, an embossed bald eagle, and a lot of peanut butter on the handle & barrel.

A bear being transported on an Iraqi Airways flight from Dubai to Baghdad exited his crate prior to departure, forcing all passengers to deplane while they decided who’d sit next to it once he was upgraded to Business Class.

A transgender Michigan woman is demanding her ex-boyfriend return her surgically-removed testicles, which she says he’s keeping in his refrigerator. Or at least move them to the freezer, since their Best By date is getting close.

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Taylor Swift reportedly handed out a total of $50 million in bonuses to her U.S. Eras Tour crew. Lizzo reportedly gave away whatever was left over from her backstage dinner buffet, then told them they needed to lose weight.

Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and wife Sophie have announced they’re separating with the intent to divorce. They request privacy during this difficult time, eh?

The Bachelorette from Season 19, Gabby Windey, announced she’s dating a woman. “Now do you believe me?” said a butt-hurt bachelor who never got a rose from her.

New York Yankees Domingo German, who threw a perfect game in June, has left the team to enter an alcohol treatment program. German threw five scoreless innings in his last appearance, before calling for a relief pitcher of Modelo.

WWE Executive Chairman Vince McMahon was subpeonaed as part of a sexual misconduct investigation, where multiple WWE employees accuse McMahon of pressing into them with his turnbuckle.

A Louisiana woman is suing the makers of weight loss drugs Ozempic and Mounjaro, saying she suffered from “severe vomiting, stomach pain and tooth loss”. Although her friends say she looks better than ever.

An OnlyFans model is being criticized for wearing a skimpy outfit with no underwear to a movie theater. The following week, she said she was seeing a doctor for treatment of a popcorn infection.

Tom Brady is now part-owner of Birmingham City Football Club. Brady then treated himself to a visit at Orchids of Asia’s Birmingham location.

Mark Zuckerberg shared a text exchange with partner Priscilla Chan after he installed a wrestling octagon in their backyard. Chan angrily said “I’ve been working on that grass for two years”….a claim disputed by the billionaire couple’s groundskeeper.

An overturned tractor-trailer spilled thousands of lemons on to Route 17 in Bergen County, New Jersey. When life gave them lemons, the truck operator and another driver made trips to an area hospital.

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Delaware opened a first-of-its-kind mobile DMV office, open from 10a to 2p every Tuesday, to process up to 3 customers.

Lizzo is being sued for sexual harassment and for fat-shaming her backup dancers, in what’s expected to be the U.S.’s biggest Pot v Kettle lawsuit.

New Jersey’s Lieutenant Governor Sheila Oliver died at age 71. Arrangements are being made for state residents to view her and offer their congratulations on getting out of New Jersey.

A new Journal of the American Medical Association [JAMA] study concludes that men drink themselves to death more often than women, but female deaths from alcoholism are increasing more rapidly. The study is titled “Chicks Can Hang“.

Investigators concluded there is no connection between accused Gilgo Beach Long Island murderer Rex Heuermann and the 2006 deaths of women in Egg Harbor Township, New Jersey – finding that Gilgo is really more of a local serial killer beach.

Donald Trump’s latest indictment for attempting to overturn the results of the 2020 Presidential Election lists 21 lies he’s told about the election. There are more, but the special counsel’s assistant got carpal tunnel syndrome typing indictments.

Amazon Clinic, a 24/7 consultative medical health care service, is now available in all 50 states. Anyone can access it for medical advice, but priority is given to medical distress calls for Amazon warehouse workers.

A study of 1,000 adults found that sleeping late on weekends is bad for adults overall health. They advise sleeping in during the week, which is better for your health and bad for your career.

Argentina fast-food restaurant Honky Donky stirred outrage in the Jewish community by offering an Anne Frank burger and Adolf fries. Honky Donky admitted that few people were ordering the burger since it initially was only on their hidden menu.

The mic Cardi B threw at an audience member [and missed] who tossed a drink on her during a Las Vegas show is being auctioned off for charity. Unfortunately, none of the proceeds go to the concertgoer who was WAP’d in the head by it.

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A Chinese zoo is denying that its sun bears are humans in costumes. They’re actually dogs in costumes.

CVS is laying off 5,000 corporate employees, with what’s being described as the ‘longest pink slips ever’.

Taylor Swift paid $100,000 bonuses to each of the roughly 50 truckers hauling her tour stage and equipment around the U.S. They’ll each keep around $60,000 after taxes and paying their speed dealers.

A ban on the sale of incandescent light bulbs takes effect today. However, black lights are exempt from the ban, so you can still show off your gas station art collection.

McDonald’s is launching a small spinoff chain called ‘CosMc’s’ – based on an alien mascot called CosMc, that has multiple hands, loves McDonald’s french fries, and is the first non-human life form with Type 2 Diabetes.

Corporations are increasingly turning to AI chatbots to handle job interviews – leaving actual humans in the human resource function free to handle their other important duties: office birthday parties, firing people, and telling workers not to expect raises.

A new study finds body-focused repetitive behaviors [BFRBs] like nail-biting, hair-pulling and skin-picking can be reduced by gently stroking your skin. Although bystanders are generally find the BFRBs are less creepy-looking than the skin-stroking.

Leprosy is on the rise in central Florida, according to both the Centers for Disease Control, and Disney World workers reporting a spike in hands, feet, & noses at the Lost & Found.

The New York Times ‘Wirecutter’ column issued rankings and recommendations for the five best clitoral vibrators, based on 150 hours of research. The column was met with criticism from conservatives, and husbands who really could have used the info before Mother’s Day.

A Tennessee woman was arrested for possession of child porn, and of filming sex with a dog. The latter was added to the child porn charges since the dog was just a year old.

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Spirit Halloween turned 40 years old, and celebrated at its newest location once the Bed, Bath & Beyond finally got kicked out.

A small plane towing a banner crashed into the ocean near Hampton Beach, New Hampshire. Even worse, the woman reading the marriage proposal on the banner said no.

A Maryland woman discovered she has at least 60 donor-conceived siblings – and boy, is her father’s arm tired.

Following Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce’s failed attempt to give Taylor Swift his phone number after her shows in Kansas City, Swift released a new single, ‘Ten-Digit Bracelet‘, bashing an unnamed “thirsty football horndog”.

Donald Trump has allegedly spent over $40 million in campaign money on legal fees. Lawyers now think that maybe they wouldn’t mind working for him after all.

In a tight U.S. job market, cases of illegal child labor are on the rise. It’s so bad, some Amazon warehouse workers unable to take bathroom breaks are urinating in their empty sippy cups.

99-year-old trucking company Yellow went out of business. Yellow operated in the Red for so long, they were turning Orange.

Large-breasted women are removing their bras and tossing them onstage at Drake concerts, including G, L, & H-cup undergarments. The women are thrilled at Drake’s attention, but some were injured by concertgoers stepping on their breasts as they exit.

A Japanese man spent $14,000 on a custom-made costume to make himself look like a collie, and went for his first public walk as a dog. Onlookers were unaware until he bagged and discarded his own stool.

A medical journal claims four-to-five minutes of daily “intense physical activity” could reduce cancer risk among non-exercisers. This is great news for men, bad news for women hoping the activity would last longer.

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On the season finale of The Kardashians, Kylie Jenner said she regrets getting a boob job at a young age, but added it was a pretty great 12th birthday.

Doctors now say isometric exercise is a good way to lower blood pressure, along with cardio exercise, or stopping your heart altogether.

Donald Trump is now charged with conspiring to destroy Mar A Lago surveillance footage in the classified documents case. Trump is said to be furious, since co-defendants also deleted footage from the ladies locker room.

Mitch McConnell’s representatives said he’ll serve through 2024 as GOP leader in the Senate, after he communicated his intentions to them through mind-meld.

Fan activity from a Taylor Swift concert in Seattle registered 2.3 on a seismometer. It’s believed to be the first time 50,000 people paid over $1,000 each to be in an earthquake.

Divorcing couple Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello are fighting for custody of their dog, Bubbles. However, Sofia will retain sole custody of her own bubbles.

Dr. Katharine Roxanne Grawe, aka “Dr. Roxy”, had her Ohio medical license revoked for posting TikTok videos during cosmetic surgery she performed – including breast augmentation and Brazilian butt lifts – without patient consent. TLC also cancelled her planned tv show, Doctor Bra Popper.

A Spirit Airlines passenger urinated on the floor of the jet next to an exit door, after claiming she’d been denied use of the lavatory for two hours. Spirit’s spokesperson said she was only denied use of the bathroom because she refused to pay the $20 checked-urine fee.

The Mayor of Anchorage, Alaska wants to give homeless people one-way tickets to warmer climates before the start of frigid Alaska winter. Hearing of the deal, many longtime Anchorage residents have filed to declare themselves homeless.

A 39-year-old Florida manatee died earlier this year after having “high-intensity” sex with its brother at the aquarium where they both lived. Counselors were made available to the fourth-grade students visiting the aquarium on a field trip that day.

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McDonald’s reported strong second-quarter earnings thanks to its Grimace’s Birthday promotion and limited-time Grimace Shake. They’re hoping for similar positive results with the upcoming Hamburglar Granted Parole promotion.

NASA’s new space telescope, scheduled for launch in 2027, could spot up to 400 planets similar in size to Earth – and, in-between, allow NASA incel employees to look through bedroom windows in their neighborhoods.

A raccoon was spotted on a baggage carousel at Philadelphia International Airport. The raccoon appeared confused because he’d checked in on a Frontier flight from Orlando to Newark.

It was revealed that Mitch McConnell has fallen multiple times this year, and may have suffered some cognitive impairment by striking his head after failing to inflate his neck pouch in time.

A lost city believed to have been abandoned over 1,000 years ago was discovered in the Campeche jungle of Mexico’s Yucatan Peninsula – soon to be the location of Mexico’s newest Starbucks.

The rebranded Twitter, X, reportedly took over the @X handle without notifying or compensating its owner. Since @XX was already taken by a bootlegger and @XXX by a porn star, he was offered @XXXX.

Rudy Giuliani admitted in court that he knew the Georgia results of the 2020 Presidential Election were authentic and lied about it. He still insists black is his natural hair color.

Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce attempted to give Taylor Swift a bracelet with his phone number on it after her shows at Arrowhead Stadium, but was not allowed to meet her. Lil Nas X asked for the bracelet, but was similarly rejected.

Miami Dolphins wide receiver Tyreek Hill settled with an employee of a Miami marina, who he’d punched in the back of the head for refusing to allow him to board a boat. Other passengers were just happy to spot a dolphin before even leaving the dock.

More sex workers are coming forward claiming that they’d met alleged Gilgo Beach killer Rex Heuermann. The local sheriff said he’s taking private meetings with each of them to see if they really know what they’re doing.

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UPS workers reached a tentative contract agreement with the Teamsters union, ensuring Americans uninterrupted delivery of their stupid crap.

Walmart is offering refunds to shoppers who mistakenly purchased $49 Walmart+ memberships at self-checkout kiosks. In-store customer service personnel will also assist those who want to learn how to shoplift a Walmart+ membership.

51 pilot whales died in Australia, leaving thousands of passenger whales stranded at Whale Airport.

A ship carrying 3,000 cars caught fire off the coast of the Netherlands. It’s considered a total loss, including hundreds of self-driving electric cars trying to escape that drove themselves in to the ocean and drowned.

Many social media influencers are ceasing to create content in sympathy with the ongoing strikes of the Screen Actors Guild and Writers Guild of America – leaving them confused at how to do even less than they’re already kind of doing.

A Texas couple is suing the owner of a Maryland AirBNB for $75,000 after discovering hidden cameras in the bathroom of their rental, which captured the couple having sex. The owner offered to settle for $750, since the movie wasn’t that great.

Mick Jagger turned 80, and looks just as great as Keith Richards did at 30.

Paris will allow swimming in the River Seine for the first time in 100 years, since it was closed to swimmers due to bacterial contamination. Parisians emerging from the river after a swim aren’t expected to smell much different.

The River Seine will first be used for the swimming portion of events at the 2024 Summer Olympics, so world class athletes will be the first to go in-Seine.

The mummified remains of two sisters and one sister’s teen son were identified following their discovery at a remote Colorado campground. They had told friends they planned to live ‘off the grid’ – which they did, until they also died off it.