By |

Kim Kardashian West said on ‘Keeping Up With the Kardashians’ that she was on ecstasy when she made her infamous sex tape. Her sex tape co-star, Ray J, was also on ecstasy that day — a stripper named Ecstasy. 

British researchers published a study claiming that increased use of self-driving cars could lead to more sex on the road — making Uber rides even more dangerous for women when the drivers don’t have to worry about steering. 

Rihanna’s fans were upset by singer Chris Brown – who’d been charged with felony assault for hitting her 10 years ago – commenting on Rihanna’s sexy topless Instagram photo. He posted an ‘eyes wide open’ emoji after deleting his original comment ‘can’t beat that!’

New Jersey police removed a man from Cheerleaders strip club in Gloucester City after he bought $150 in lap dances despite having only $11 cash — ten loose dimes and a roll of quarters that bruised one of the dancers.

General Motors announced it’s closing four manufacturing plants and terminating 15% of salaried executives to generate $6 billion in cash flow. Shares of GM rose 5% on the news; Christmas lists of GM workers’ kids were slashed 40%. 

The Washington Post reports President Trump is now focused on the ballooning federal deficit – deepening in large part due to his tax cuts – and ways to fix it. Aides say his top idea is to declare bankruptcy, close the U.S.A. and reopen under a new name. 

A husky dog missing from its home in Brooklyn, New York for 18 months was found outside of Tampa, Florida and will be returned home. The dog is just happy to get our of Florida, but is happy he got the opportunity to vote while he was there. 

The U.S. Postal Service confirmed that they exposed the data of over 60 million users. Hackers, however, are having difficulty monetizing the names and addresses of old people mailing birthday & sympathy cards. 

Hospitals in China are denying they delivered the first gene-edited babies, after reports of their birth surfaced from MIT and the Associated Press. “These are just your ordinary, run-of-the-mill, blue-eyed blond haired Chinese babies” said a hospital exec. 

Smash hit video game Red Dead Redemption 2 is launching its online multiplayer game in beta. Players can now shoot other cowboys in the Old West, or, if that doesn’t work, they can move to Florida and shoot whatever they want. 

By |

Fox News retracted its story about a man claiming to be a Navy SEAL who had made a glass presidential sculpture for Donald Trump. The man was never a SEAL and most of his service medals were fake. Fox News apologized and said it was the most grievous error they’d made that day. 

Hailey Baldwin confirmed her marriage to Justin Bieber, changing the name on her Instagram profile to Hailey Bieber. She becomes the 1,432,988th young female Instagram’er to change her last name to Bieber. 

Walmart shoppers on social media called their Black Friday sales ‘chaos’ and criticized them for running out of hot merchandise like iPhones. Walmart said they tried to keep things organized, pairing off like-sized shoppers so they fought in their own weight class. 

The Ohio Supreme Court ruled the Cincinnati Reds do not have to pay a sales tax on the bobbleheads they give to fans for promotions. The Reds successfully argued fans already pay sales tax on tickets, and since the team sucks, they must be paying for the bobblehead. 

According to research published in journal Nature, a specific sugar molecule – mannose – slows the growth of cancer cells. Cancer treatment hospitals promptly raised the price of Cap’n Crunch w Mannose to $2,000/bowl. 

The mayor of Tijuana declared a humanitarian crisis as a group of 5,000 migrants fleeing Central America arrived in the city. He said Tijuana is not ready to handle so many broke men & women making irrational decisions this far ahead of Spring Break. 

A Florida woman who ordered a box of 500 worms for her pet lizard captured video of a woman stealing the parcel off of her doorstep. The woman with the lizard said the thief got ‘karma’, but the woman stealing the box said the jokes on her, because she works for a Worm Rescue. 

An American missionary was killed by a remote tribe of Sentinelese off the Bay of Bengal near India, who have little to no interactions with outsiders. The missionary was unsuccessful converting them to Christianity, but the tribe was successful converting the victim to soup. 

Amazon is making adjustments to help Alexa get ready for the holidays, updating her responses to include “can’t everybody just leave me ALONE for twenty goddamn minutes?!..”

Boston Celtics guard Kyrie Irving apologized for saying “F*ck Thanksgiving” after a home loss to the New York Knicks on Wednesday night. Irving said he gets how his words were perceived, but claims he was just discussing his plans for having groupies over to his house Thursday. 

By |

Facebook rolled out a ‘Watch Party’ feature so friends can watch the same video together at the same time. “Oh my GOD your standup is SO funny!” said a Facebook friend seconds before closing the window and not realizing everyone else can see they’ve left. 

Walmart requested a refund of its campaign contribution to Mississippi Senator Cindy Hyde-Smith after her controversial comments about public hangings and photos wearing confederate soldier gear. Hyde-Smith said she couldn’t return the cash but would give credit for future bribes. 

The CDC ordered that all romaine lettuce be disposed of due to an E. coli threat. “So, just the lettuce, or the pork and beef too?” asked a manager at Chipotle. 

A bipartisan group of U.S. senators is demanding President Trump share his belief over Saudi Crown Prince bin Salman ordering the murder of journalist Jamal Khashoggi. Which is fine, until you recall Trump believes he’s an A+ president and climate change isn’t real. 

Gordon Nobriga, a former flight attendant, received five years probation for video recording men and boys in public restrooms at an Arizona Walmart. The secret recording had gone undetected until Nobriga entered the restroom to get his phone, collect victims trash and point to the exit. 

A Bethlehem, Pennsylvania mom faces criminal charges after driving two miles with her 12-year-old son on the hood of her car when the boy refused to go to the dentist. They arrived at the dentist, who removed bugs from the boy’s teeth. 

Tumblr was pulled from the Apple iOS app store after child pornography was found on the service. “Oh, right, I had a Tumblr” said Jared Fogle from prison. 

A Milwaukee bus driver is being praised for allowing a homeless man to stay on her bus during her shift, then helping to find the man housing. The homeless man is grateful, but disappointed because he thought the bus was going to Phoenix. 

Amazon informed customers that a “technical error” resulted in the exposure of their name and email address. Customers with a ‘Dash button’ for adult diapers are on pins & needles hoping that’s all they got. 

The National Oceanographic and Atmospheric Map service said that smoke from the California wildfires is visible in New York & New Jersey. The smoke is being cited in weak excuses by NY & NJ teenagers sparking up in the backyard when their parents ask ‘what’s that weird smell’?

By |

Comcast fired field technician Andrew Kovalic after reports surfaced of his affiliation with white supremacist group Proud Boys. Comcast then raised cable and internet rates, citing the increased costs associated with identifying and terminating racists. 

Country singer Shania Twain appeared on Bravo’s ‘Watch What Happens Live’ and admitted to host Andy Cohen that on multiple occasions, she’s peed herself onstage. Twain also added that she doesn’t do those private events anymore. 

Toys R Us owners agreed to pay $20 million in severance for employees. The news comes just in time for Christmas, where the employees can spend the money at any number of businesses that put them out of work. 

The White House restored the press pass of CNN’s Jim Acosta. Acosta is expected to attend President Trump’s pardon of a Thanksgiving turkey, and hammer Trump with questions about a pardon impacting the turkey’s testimony in the Mueller probe. 

Instagram is cracking down on fake likes and comments — the ones generated by bots, not the ones from that phony Dakota who you know isn’t really your friend because Emma said so in gym. 

A Kentucky woman is suing Texas Roadhouse for emotional distress after an employee tried to place a napkin over the face of her breastfeeding child. The employee said he was just trying to strike a compromise since diners were complaining, and the infant’s face was covered in barbecue sauce. 

Bobby Bones and his partner Sharna Burgess won ‘Dancing With the Stars’, leaving Americans asking “Who the hell is Bobby Bones and why is he famous?”

United Airlines pilot Andrew Collins was arrested and charged with indecency for standing naked in front of his hotel window facing the main terminal at Denver International Airport. Captain Collins was reportedly in the full upright and locked position. 

A federal judge blocked President Trump’s recent modification to asylum rules for refugees, still no word on approval for asylum rules for employees seeking to flee the White House. 

Sarah Michelle Gellar posted Instagram pictures of herself in black lingerie, along with a note saying she was pinning them up in her house as a reminder not to overeat on Thanksgiving. She was inundated with invites to dinner by creeps asking her to snap their wishbone.  

By |

A man who sat next to an obese passenger on a British Airways flight from Bangkok to London is suing the airline, saying that pressure from the seat neighbor caused him pelvic injury and back spasms. The obese man is not identified by name in the complaint, only as ‘Most of Row K’.

According to the Institute for Health Metrics at the University of Washington, deaths attributable to alcohol are rising. From 2007 to 2017, alcohol-related deaths were up 27 percent; and of those, 67 percent were women. Most of their deaths occurred on Winesday. 

Officials in Geneva, Switzerland are refusing to address nuisance and noise complaints from neighbors of a brothel in the town center. They defended the brothel, saying it “fulfills a social need” — adding there was no way they were going to shut it down before their annual Christmas party. 

President Trump visited the scenes of wildfires in California. Trump said that it was “one of the worst fires he’d ever seen, in terms of burning.”

A reward is being offered for information about a dolphin that washed up on a Los Angeles area beach, dead from a gunshot wound. No suspects have been named, although Coast Guard police are interviewing several members of the Dolphin Crips. 

Taco Bell is actively recruiting franchisees in order to meet its goal of opening 2,000 new restaurants by 2023. Prospective owners should have between a half-million and two million dollars in financing, and an extremely low conscience when it comes to inflicting pain upon others. 

Two professional dart players accused each other of farting on stage during the Grand Slam of Darts in England, where Gary Anderson beat Wesley Harms 10-2.  Harms said that Anderson’s farting was awful smelling, and that his dart tosses were disturbed by turbulence. [h/t to LH!]

Retired Dallas Cowboys player Ed ‘Too Tall’ Jones commented on the pending gay marriage of former teammate Jeff Rohrer. Jones said if he were asked for a list of five people in the history of the NFL who were gay, Rohrer wouldn’t be on it. Five other teammates are furious for being on the list. 

CEO Jim Brett is leaving J. Crew after less than two years on the job, citing disagreements with the Board of Directors. Like their repeatedly asking him “is that what you’re telling people to wear?”

Apple is reportedly cutting back on factory orders of their newest iPhones. CEO Tim Cook fired back, saying that demand is steady, but assembly workers require longer after-school naps in winter. 

By |

Officials in Aruba are investigating the death of a woman aboard a Princess Cruises ship. She fell from a high deck and landed on a lifeboat. Those same officials on the case are also considering using a different name for ‘lifeboat’. 

Facebook announced that they will outsource decisions regarding content policy to an independent firm.  “Yep, that’s racist alright” said the independent firm several million times already. 

Hotel chains in China apologized after media platform Weibo posted a long video of staff wiping silverware, glasses & bathroom fixtures with dirty towels instead of cleaning them. Hyatt, Waldorf-Astoria & Sheraton all said the workers know better and those rhesus monkeys will be retrained. 

Jennie-O recalled 91 thousand pounds of raw ground turkey products for possible salmonella contamination – ruining the sad Thanksgiving plans of people planning their meal around turkey burgers. 

An 8-foot terracotta statue of an owl in Kikinda, Serbia is drawing criticism for its resemblance to an erect penis. Some are demanding it be removed, others like it, and some women are searching local gift shops to see if there are smaller versions of it they can bring home. 

Facebook Messenger is readying a feature where contacts can simultaneously co-view videos. They’re said to be releasing it just as soon as they can make the controls easily operable with one hand. 

Tinder announced it’s testing a new feature called Swipe Surge, that sends alerts when larger volumes of users are actively looking for hookups — such as music festivals, sporting events, or the 16 hours a day when men are awake. 

Toyota unveiled its redesign of the world’s most popular car – the 2020 Corolla Sedan. “Wow, I can’t wait to test drive it!” said people who just want to get where they’re going. 

New Orleans airport now offers alligators as ‘therapy animals’ to de-stress passengers prior to boarding flights. The gators can rip a leg off of a traveler so that he/she qualifies to board early and get an overhead bin.

A paraplegic passenger on budget airline FlyDubai claims he was unable to access the lavatory during flight, forcing him to urinate in a bottle. A spokesperson for FlyDubai defended the airline, saying that they allow passengers to have a full bottle of Coke. 

By |

Matthew Caskey, a UPS driver in Louisville, Kentucky, was charged with DUI and reckless driving after a middle school employee reported him to police. Caskey told cops he’d drank a half-pint of whiskey; in doing so, he answered the question “What can brown liquor do for you?”

The NFL game between the Los Angeles Rams and Kansas City Chiefs has been moved to Los Angeles from its original location at Estadio Azteca in Mexico City. League officials said the turf field was unfit based on overuse, muddy conditions, and unevenness from all of El Chapo’s drug tunnels beneath it.

Facebook said that ‘free speech and privacy’ will inform any return of the platform to China. “Aren’t you forgetting something?” asked a Chinese official awaiting his sack of money.

Fox News is supporting CNN in its lawsuit against the White House to reinstate press access for CNN’s Jim Acosta. Fox News expressed concern that, if reporters are denied White House access, they may never see what Christmas decorations Melania picks.

In Santa Ana, California, a woman entered a McDonald’s via an employee-only back door, and choked a worker in a fight after asking for ketchup. It’s unclear if the woman was upset over not getting ketchup, or getting regular instead of Fancy Ketchup.

In rural Kentucky, a dead-heat city council election was to be decided by a coin toss — just as soon as they could find some MILLIONAIRE in rural Kentucky who has coin-flippin’ money just lyin’ around.

Oprah Winfrey released her annual “Oprah’s Favorite Things” list. You can find everything on it yourself, except for Black Governors of Southern U.S. States.

State officials are concerned that California energy utility PG&E may be at fault for one or more of the devastating wildfires in the state. Evidence is mounting, including the company’s decision to change its name to Pacific Gas Electric & Fire.

President Trump claimed in an interview with The Daily Caller that Florida Democrats were voting, then putting on disguises and voting again. Without citing evidence, he added that polling places were handing out I Voted stickers and funny nose glasses.

Former Dallas Cowboys linebacker Jeff Rohrer has come out as gay. He waited over 25 years to announce it publicly, but said his original plan was to come out once he knew he didn’t have any more road games in Philadelphia.

By |

China has instituted a ban on tiger and rhino parts in medicine. China will still sell Tiger Balm because it contains no animal parts; however, the Chinese government has issued a nationwide recall of Vicks Rhino Rub.

A five-year-old boy was “heartbroken” when Johannesburg airport security confiscated a stuffed toy snake that he had received from his grandmother. He was heartbroken that grandma wasn’t going to give him the ten grand she promised for delivering the stuffed snake to her contact at the child’s destination.

Melania Trump publicly called for the dismissal of Mira Ricardel, deputy national security adviser. Ricardel reportedly clashed with Mrs. Trump’s security team, and also showed up to a Be Best luncheon wearing the exact same dress & shoes as the First Lady.

Juul agreed to stop selling flavored vape pods in stores and to cease all social media promotion of their nicotine-laced e-cigarettes. The FDA asked Juul to limit access of its product to minors to make it easier for young people to find and use Marlboros.

Scientists in Europe are contemplating a new way to measure a kilogram — moving away from utilization of Le Grand K, a physical sample kilogram that could lose mass as it ages — and toward a new way, just letting coke dealers say how heavy it ought to be.

Donald Trump and his legal team are reportedly meeting this week to give written answers to questions submitted by Special Counsel Robert Mueller. “What’d you get for number one?” asked Trump to everyone several seconds after the meetings started.

A Texas woman who traveled to Mexico to save money on plastic surgery for her nose suffered a cardiac arrest while under anesthesia and is now on life support.  According to her family, the nose job didn’t turn out so great, either.

A man has been banned from all Disney theme park properties for holding up a sign reading ‘Trump 2020’ while riding Splash Mountain at Disney World. Disney officials said the guy could still visit A Small World and the Hall of Presidents, but he figured he might as well just be banned.

Netflix is testing cheaper, mobile-only plans for subscribers who prefer binge-watching on their phones in work meetings.

Guy Fieri cooked dinner for first responders of California’s massive Camp Fire wildfire, but their collective efforts couldn’t stop the destruction of almost all the homes in Flavortown.

 

By |

According to International Business Times, Queen Elizabeth II eats Special K cereal from a Tupperware bowl for breakfast most days — just like a regular person. Only three different servants feed it to her.

Democrat Kyrsten Sinema won the Arizona seat in the U.S. Senate, becoming the first openly bisexual U.S. Senator. “Alright!” said creepy Arizona men, before getting the explanation that “openly” doesn’t mean “open to anybody”.

Ozark, Missouri megachurch pastor John Lindell urged parishioners at his Assembly of God parish to stop going to yoga because it has “demonic roots”.  “This can’t be good for business!” said Ozark, Missouri’s top yoga instructor, Yogi Jethro.

CNN sued the Trump Administration, seeking the reinstatement of press credentials for barred reporter Jim Acosta.  White House lawyers promptly climbed the ladder that reaches to ceiling and put it on the pile of lawsuits.

Waka Flocka Flame announced that he’s ready to retire from rapping to start a family and become Waka Flocka Extinguished.

The Golden State Warriors are offering $100/month ‘In The Building Passes” to Oracle Arena, where fans can attend home games, but will have no seat and no view of live action except for TVs. They say the ‘not sitting and not seeing the game’ idea was inspired by fans bringing their 4-year-olds to games.

The FDA is recalling Losartan, a blood pressure medication, because it contains a cancer-causing impurity. Patients taking Losartan are being told to expect good news, then really bad news.

Petco announced that it will stop selling dog and cat food with artificial ingredients next year, a move hailed by house pets who eat excrement and garbage.

KFC added chicken & waffles to the menu for a limited time. People eating it can expect it to stay in their digestive system for a very, very limited time.

Marvel Comics pioneer Stan Lee died at age 95. His funeral will take place in two months. The eulogy is done, it’s just going to take a while to illustrate it.

 

By |

Florida will hold a recount of votes for U.S. Senate and gubernatorial elections. The state Board of Elections put out a call for volunteers to report to election bureaus so highly-skilled Floridian counters can have some extra fingers for the really big numbers.

In Paris, a topless woman charged the motorcade carrying President Trump past a crowd of protesters. She was subdued by police before Trump had a chance to open his door and let her in.

Pabst Blue Ribbon is suing MillerCoors to extend a brewing agreement between the companies. Pabst claims that if the agreement is ended, they’ll go out of business. Attorneys for Pabst arrived at the hearing via an Uber Pool wearing flannel shirts, dirty boots and black wool stocking caps.

A new study by researchers at University of British Columbia and the Harvard TH Chan School of public health advises that women of all ages should wait a year between pregnancies. The study was conducted with the help of a lot of broke, tired, parents.

Another study from United Nations advocacy group FP2020 said that more women in the poorest countries are embracing forms of modern contraception. The report states that contraceptive use would be even higher if the men would stop hiding the condoms.

According to gossip site Radar Online, Kim Kardashian held a ‘quiet intervention’ for husband Kanye West after he continually refused to take his psychiatric meds. Then, Kanye arrived and it turned in to a ‘not quiet intervention’.

Next Monday night, the NFL’s best teams – the Kansas City Chiefs and Los Angeles Rams – play in Mexico City.  Betting odds put the game’s over/under at a record high 64 points, with another record over/under of 3 for visiting Chiefs & Rams players kidnapped by drug lords.

Nielsen says viewers age 18-to -34 watching traditional tv is down 15% this year, and has dropped 36% since 2014.  A spokesman at CBS said they’re not worried, that younger people will come stampeding back when word gets out about hip technology-focused shows like ‘God Friended Me’.

The Vatican told the U.S. Conference of Bishops to delay voting on measures to hold bishops accountable for victims of clergy sexual abuse — saying that Pope Francis had already spent the money on booze and ecstasy for one last huge altar boy rager.

Procter & Gamble said that it will reconfigure Tide detergent so that Amazon can ship it in a new eco-friendly box that dispenses the liquid. They’ll also set up a website to show millennials used to eating Tide Pods how to do Detergent Shots instead.