By |

Google introduced its new Pixel 3 smartphones, citing their highly sophisticated artificial intelligence tools. Google added that the artificial intelligence tools can be disabled by dropping the phone on the sidewalk.

Rumors are circulating that Ivanka Trump is being considered to replace Nikki Haley as U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations. The White House cites Ivanka’s extensive international diplomacy experience hiring children to work in factories for her now-defunct apparel line.

Multilingual imbecile and bully-enabling anti-bullying crusader Melania Trump claims that her offers to assist international aid organizations are ignored because of her marriage to Donald Trump. Aid organizations replied, for the 100th time, starving children don’t need gently-used designer shoes and clothing.

A flight from Detroit to Shanghai was diverted back to Detroit for a passenger medical emergency, but arrived too late and the passenger was pronounced dead on arrival. The FAA said it was the first time ever that someone was dying to get to Detroit.

The New York Yankees were eliminated by the Boston Red Sox, three games to one, in the American League divisional playoffs. After the game, George Steinbrenner emerged from beyond the grave In Yankee Stadium’s Monument Park to fire manager Aaron Boone.

The New York Times profiled Anthony Mancinelli, a 107-year-old barber who works full-time cutting hair from Noon to 8pm every day.. that he’s not appearing in civil court for causing concussions and extensive cranial bleeding.

Taylor Swift appeared at the American Music Awards on Tuesday night, claiming three more to bring her lifetime total to 22 – passing Whitney Houston’s female artist record of 21, and a comfortable 22-trophy lead ahead of Mambo No. 5’s Lou Bega.

Hurricane Michael may make landfall in the Florida panhandle as a Category 4 storm, the worst to hit that area in over 100 years. “Wait, which state are we again?” asked worried residents of Mississippi.

Frontier Airlines removed a female passenger prior to a flight from Orlando to Cleveland for bringing her emotional support squirrel on board.  Several other passengers asked if they could borrow the squirrel so they, too, could get kicked off and rebooked on a better airline.

Accused sexual assailant Harvey Weinstein lost one of his defense attorneys due to an argument over the bill, proving that Weinstein is still working on understanding priorities.

A 14-year-old is suing McDonald’s for over $1 million, claiming that spilled hot water caused severe burns. McDonald’s said it was part of their free Fry-day promotion.

 

 

 

 

By |

‘Walking Dead’ actor Scott Wilson died, but is expected to make unbilled cameos in future episodes.

After an 11-year-long study, Candystore.com declared that Skittles are America’s favorite Halloween candy.  Kids praised Skittles for being as easy to throw at their friends’ heads as candy corn, while also being fun to actually eat.

U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley resigned, saying her decision had nothing to do with her boss being laughed out of the room during Show & Tell several weeks earlier.

Tristan Thompson departed for Cleveland to join the NBA Cavaliers, while girlfriend and Baby Mama Khloe Kardashian remained in L.A. with their daughter. Kardashian insists that they’re still together; Thompson describes it as more of an 82-game break.

A 27-year-old Indian man checked into rehab for what he described as a Netflix addiction – watching 7 hours of shows every day for 6 straight months. His girlfriend called the man ‘all Netflix, no chill’.

Alex Spanos, longtime owner of the AFL/NFL San Diego (now Los Angeles) Chargers, died. Players await a decision from Commissioner Roger Goodell’s office to see if they can kneel at the funeral.

Following Taylor Swift’s Instagram post promoting voting for Democratic Party candidates in Tennessee, voter registration spiked in the state. Newly-registered 18-year-olds in Tennessee are saying they can’t wait to vote for Taylor Swift.

A rare white tiger mauled a zookeeper to death in southern Japan. The tiger had been on a steady diet of red meat, but chose that day to try Japanese.

Struggling retailer Sears announced that it’s hired a bankruptcy expert to serve the company as an independent director. The expert is a bankrupt mom who still actually shops at Sears.

A man sued Disney, saying a Disney World employee ruined his marriage proposal by forcing him to move from his spot in front of Princess Castle because a parade was starting. He allegedly grabbed the employee, leading to his arrest and removal from the park. The employee was quoted as saying “Gollll-olll-eee!”

By |

Social media platform Path is closed down. “Where’d everybody go?” asked the one guy on Path who didn’t work at Path.

NFL players continued to express anger at officials enforcing new rules designed for player safety.  In Sunday’s games, referees threw 11 flags for Roughing The Passer, and another four for Hurting the Passer’s Feelings.

Taylor Swift caused controversy by endorsing Tennessee Democratic Senate candidate Phil Bredesen, who’s running against Republican incumbent Marsha Blackburn. Blackburn’s spokesperson said they plan to wait until Swift breaks up with Bredesen and writes a stinging kiss-off song about him.

In London, after selling for $1.4 million at Sotheby’s auction house, a painting from street artist Banksy shredded itself.  In south Philadelphia, a velvet airbrushed painting of Eagles QB Carson Wentz sold at a gas station for $30 and was later found shredded,  but the buyer’s wife denied doing it.

Microsoft said that they have a fix for files that are being deleted when pc users update to the latest version of Windows 10. They told customers to stay on the lookout for the patch, coming soon to Windows 14.

Stormy Daniels said she bumped into former Trump attorney Michael Cohen at an airport and that Cohen “said hi”. Daniels then boarded a flight to Los Angeles and “bumped into” six or seven other guys on the set of her new project.

Brewers of deep discount swill Natural Light are issuing a limited edition 77 Pack of 12-ounce cans. They say the 77 pays homage to 1977, the year of its creation – and also to the .77 blood alcohol content you’ll have when you die trying to finish it.

The newest food and beverage craze is CBD, or cannabidol, derived from the cannabis plant. Unlike THC, CBD has no psychoactive properties, so experts predict widespread first-time usage, followed by widespread anger at CBD dealers for selling liquid oregano.

President Trump praised First Lady Melania Trump’s visit to Africa, saying that she had done “a tremendous job representing our country in Africa– like no one has before.” Critics called his statement absurd, but fact-checkers agreed with the President, saying no First Lady visiting Africa had pulled off so many photo ops and costume changes.

A VICE article highlighted the disgusting trend of human feces being left on trails at some of the U.S.’s most popular national parks — citing visible piles of human waste at California’s John Muir Trail, Washington’s Olympic National Park, and Tennessee’s Dollywood.

Australian Apple Watch users experienced a glitch when the Apple Watch repeatedly failed after Australia moved to Daylight Savings Time. Apple CEO Tim Cook said they hadn’t anticipated Apple Watch customers caring how well the device kept time.

By |

Barnes & Noble has signaled that it is evaluating strategic changes, including possible sale of the company. B&N executives said they only want serious buyers, not companies that just want to read the company’s financial statements and use the restroom.

JCPenney named Jill Soltau to be its new CEO; Soltau had been CEO of Joann Fabrics. JCPenney’s board of directors praised her tenure at Joann, saying it gave her experience overseeing stores that most people wouldn’t be caught dead in.

Meng Hongwei, the head of Interpol, has been reported missing after a trip to China. Interpol would look for him, but he can’t order the investigation to start since he’s missing.

‘Jersey Shore’ star Snooki says costar Mike ‘The Situation’ Sorrentino is fearful of his upcoming sentencing for tax evasion and imprisonment. So much so that Sorrentino is considering changing his nickname to The Sexual Assault Situation.

An airline passenger let her toddler daughter use her portable toilet in the aisle of the plane midflight instead of taking her to the lavatory. The mother refused to follow flight attendant instructions to move the porta-potty to the lavatory, and the toddler was arrested by air marshals for refusing to fasten her seatbelt while pooping.

Actor John Goodman appears on the cover of People magazine, which includes a story on how he’s lost over 100 pounds, not counting the 175  from losing Roseanne on his tv show.

Rhode Island state police arrested Anne Armstrong, 58, and Alan Gordon, 48 — the Compassion Party’s candidates for governor and attorney general, respectively – for possessing over 50 pounds of marijuana at their home. Cops said they don’t know about the Compassion part, but that’s more than enough for a Party.

Apple denies reports that it was a victim of spying malware on servers it acquired from Chinese supplier SuperMicro. “Those kids did nothing wrong!” said Apple CEO Tim Cook.

The Senate approved a motion to move the candidacy of Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh to a full vote. “I’ll drink to that!” said Kavanaugh at 9a.m.

The Central Pacific Hurricane Center released a computer graphic of Hurricane Walaka  that looks like an erect penis. Meteorologists say it’s not a real threat to blow unless it merges with a girl hurricane.

 

By |

A 27-year-old Florida woman, Katherine Nieves Tavarez, was arrested for stabbing her live-in boyfriend, Amaury Vazquez Carerro, after Carrero repeatedly refused to have sex with her. “No means no!” said Carrero, which is particularly hard to do with a knife stuck in your face.

  • Asked why she stabbed her boyfriend, Tavarez said she really likes foreplay.

The FBI has reportedly completed their background investigation on Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh. The contents remain secret, but allegedly contain damning evidence of lost deposits on kegs and taps to multiple beer distributors in Virginia and Connecticut.

The son of convicted felon and former rap mogul Suge Knight, Suge Knight Jr., said that Tupac Shakur is alive and living in Malaysia. The younger Knight offered as proof photos of Knight posing with 50 Cent and Beyoncé. Fans and social media followers remain unconvinced, and have raised a $1 million reward to whoever can post video of Tupac ‘flossing’.

Duchess Meghan Markle said that she needs to put on a baseball cap to disguise herself before grocery shopping. “Why are you wearing a baseball cap?” asked the maid as Meghan hands her the grocery list.

The Institute of Electrical and Electronics Engineers announced a new wireless network standard, WiFi 6. It’s an even faster, steadier wifi stream that you can steal from the dope next door who doesn’t use a password.

A new laundry-cleaning startup, VClean, placed 200 of its vending machines in parking garages adjacent to London Underground stations. So far, the company is pleased with the response, except for all of the homeless people they’ve had to pull out of the machines.

ZipRecruiter raised $156 million in new funding. The platform, which matches job seekers with employers, claims it frees up time of human resources professionals to focus on what they do best – organizing employee cake parties, shopping, and handing out termination notices.

A black grandmother and two little girls campaigning for Texas Senate Candidate Beto O’Rourke were accosted by a white racist, who told them to “go back where they came from.” O’Rourke’s opponent, incumbent Sen. Ted Cruz, hasn’t officially commented, but said if the racist made fun of his wife’s looks, he could speak at a Cruz rally.

According to the Wall St Journal, Vice President Mike Pence will make a formal ‘rebuke’ of China, claiming that China is working to remove President Trump.  Meaning, if he’s right, a majority of 2016 U.S. voters have something in common with China.

Heart rate data from a 67-year-old San Jose woman’s Fitbit is being used to charge her 90-year-old stepfather with murder. According to the Fitbit, the woman’s heart rate reportedly spiked, then dropped to zero during the man’s visit. Later, the Fitbit told her she was getting the best sleep ever.

  • “And I would’ve gotten away with it if it wasn’t for that meddling fitness tracker!” the man said as he was led away in handcuffs.

By |

Red Lobster will no longer give plastic straws to customers unless they ask. The chain said they want to do what’s right for the environment, and that too many of their less intelligent customers were suffocating trying to suck up shrimp.

Apple announced that its newest update, iOS 12.1, will add 70 new emoji — part of its ongoing mission to allow illiterate people with iPhones the ability to communicate entirely through pictures.

The NFL indefinitely suspended linebacker Mychal Hendricks, who plead guilty to charges of insider trading. No word on plans for an appeal from the NFL Players Association, who called the punishment “the smartest reason ever” for a player missing an NFL game.

Travelers entering New Zealand face a $3,200 fine if they refuse to give border agents the password to their smartphone. So far, a dozen people cooperating with the law have been jailed for having the password ‘F*CKOFF’.

The ‘Sober October’ movement is growing. Retailers are expressing concern that, without the assistance of alcohol to lower inhibitions, Halloween costumes will now have to be sluttier than ever.

Microsoft introduced new $349 Surface Headphones. Microsoft said the headphones will cancel noise, and that Microsoft will cancel support for them when they decide in a year that they don’t want to make headphones anymore.

Amazon announced the Fire Stick TV 4K – its most powerful streaming stick ever. It ships from Amazon in October, and from the guy who hacks it so you can watch bootleg cable in early November.

Sources told TMZ that newlyweds Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber don’t consider themselves truly married because they haven’t yet had a church wedding to have their love witnessed by God. In response, God said there’s no rush, that he’s fine just witnessing them having sex.

68-year-old Caitlyn Jenner is reportedly in a relationship with 21-year-old transgender woman Sophia Hutchins. Jenner offered no comment on the May/December romance, or, more specifically, the May, 1950/December, 1997 romance.

At 2:18p.m. Wednesday, FEMA will test the new Presidential Alert System, with messages sent to billions of Americans’ mobile phones. At 2:19p.m., millions of attractive young women will be asking who sent them a dick pic.

 

By |

Reports surfaced that Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh was involved in a drunken bar brawl after a UB40 concert in the 80s.  The same report finds that Kavanaugh also once wore a bright yellow shirt to a Cure show and was excommunicated from their fan club.

Dunkin Donuts employees in Syracuse, NY were fired following the circulation of a viral video where one of them pours water on a homeless man. The employees have since been nominated to Federal judgeships by the Trump administration.

For the first time in 55 years, a woman – Canadian Donna Strickland – won the Nobel Prize in Physics. Strickland was recognized for her work in laser physics; specifically, how a laser can be utilized to turn up the thermostat from across a room.

Amazon raised its minimum wage for all of their employees to $15/hour. Amazon warehouse employees celebrated by raising the glass bottles they urinate in to keep from getting fired for bathroom breaks.

Lindsay Lohan appears in a new viral video, where she accuses a Moscow family of trafficking children then gets punched in the face. Her friends worry for her safety and want her to move back to the United States, to Cincinnati where there are no paparazzi. Lohan said it’s a difficult choice between living in Cincinnati or getting punched in the face.

First Lady Melania Trump arrived in Ghana for her first state visit of a shithole country.

A woman spectator’s eyeball reportedly “exploded” after being struck with a golf ball hit by American Brooks Koepka at the Ryder Cup in Paris. The woman reportedly lost sight in the eye, and was assessed a two-stroke penalty for moving her ball.

Primera Air – which launched in 2017 offering $99 one-way fares between the U.S. and Europe – suddenly announced it’s suspending operations. After the pilot made the announcement, all passengers and crew on the final flight parachuted to safety.

CEO Rupert Stadler, arrested for falsifying company records of diesel vehicle emissions, announced that he’s outie at Audi.

The FDA claims a factory making Kellogg’s Honey Smacks cereal knew of possible salmonella contamination, but refused to do anything about it. Kellogg’s disputes this, saying that the back of the box was updated with a new game, Dig ‘Em’s Toilet Challenge.

 

 

 

By |

Shaquille O’Neal’s son, Shareef, was diagnosed with a congenital heart condition and will sit out a year of college basketball at UCLA. Asked how he’ll fill the free time, his faculty advisors told him to pursue “anything but acting.”

A woman found a 2.63 carat diamond at a state park in Arkansas, and is now engaged to the squirrel who gave it to her.

Disney World announced a new ticket pricing policy, drawing anger and confusion from the park’s most excited visitors – who are literally shitting themselves trying to figure it out.

A tractor-trailer carrying 80 cows flipped over and blocked all lanes of Interstate 285 near Atlanta. The accident resulted in cows roaming the highway, leading to multiple other accidents and several bovine carjackings.

Google is updating Google Maps to allow control of music from within the app. So now you can listen to your favorite song while risking your life ‘making a legal u-turn’.

According to medical journal JAMA, women who increase water intake by 1.5 liters/day for a full year are 50% less likely to get urinary tract infections. They’re also 100% more likely to have stronger buttocks and quadriceps from hovering above the public toilet seats they’ll need to use.

North Carolina’s governor has ordered $4 million to help control the growing numbers of large mosquitoes breeding in floodwaters after Hurricane Florence. In a related story, a North Carolina beach town broke the Guinness World Record for Largest Citronella Candle.

The U.S., Canada & Mexico have all accepted the successor to NAFTA, which will be called USMCA (U.S., Mexico, Canada Agreement) — disappointing everyone who wanted to call it Afta’NAFTA.

Cardi B. surrendered to New York City police for her alleged role ordering an assault on two female bartenders, one of whom she accused of having sex with her husband, Offset — or, as he’s known to women he cheats with, Inset.

Fifty million Facebook accounts were allegedly hacked. Facebook said that they’ve patched the vulnerability, and reassured affected users that the hackers couldn’t possibly be doing anything worse with personal data than what Facebook is doing already.

 

By |

Share prices in Bed, Bath & Beyond stock plummeted to an 18-year low. Executives say that they plan to end their policy allowing stock purchasers to stack coupons.

Jesuit periodical America Magazine – which had endorsed the Supreme Court nomination of Brett Kavanaugh – rescinded it after testimony from his alleged sexual assault victim. Similarly, Highlights magazine changed Kavanaugh’s ‘Gallant’ status to ‘Goofus’.

A jet operated by the national airline of Papua New Guinea missed a runway at an airport in Micronesia and landed in a nearby lagoon. All the passengers and crew survived. The pilot said he thought he had more room because he mistakenly thought he was landing in Macronesia.

Holly Jane Akers, 31, of Holiday, Florida was arrested for hitting her husband in the face with a vacuum cleaner attachment when he wouldn’t help her clean. The husband told police that she hit him in the face with a crevice tool, and she replied that he hits her with his crevice tool all the time.

A “white hat” hacker said he’ll broadcast his hack of Mark Zuckerberg’s Facebook page on Facebook Live this Sunday.  Asked how he can prove that it’s him and not Zuckerberg controlling the account, the hacker said he’ll post a status saying “I’ll never sell your personal data.”

Amazon is launching what it calls a promising new product to monetize Alexa — prostitutes with Alexa’s voice.

Over a dozen people walked out of a Wanda Sykes standup comedy performance in Red Bank, New Jersey when she opened with jokes about Trump. The walkouts were offered tickets to a future show from Larry the Cable Guy, but became even more insulted.

California authorities charged 17 people for robbery at Apple Stores. They’re employees who told customers that $1.200 iPhones are a terrific deal.

A Jeopardy! contestant proposed marriage to his girlfriend – who accepted – during player introductions on Thursday’s show. He didn’t present a ring, but he did give her $2,000 and a case of Aleve after he finished second.

Volkswagen announced a partnership with Microsoft – making it easier than ever to crash your car and your car’s entertainment system.

By |

Special Counsel Robert Mueller was photographed getting Genius Bar support for his MacBook at an Apple Store in Washington, D.C. President Trump appointed the Genius Bar employee to a high-level Cabinet position.

McDonald’s says that it’s removed all artificial ingredients from its burgers — leading many curious customers to buy a Big Mac just to see what’s left of it.

The Federal Reserve raised interest rates for the third time this year. This angered President Trump, until someone told him it means he earns an extra twenty-five cents a month in his Christmas Club savings account.

Students at U.K.’s Bristol University raised money to send a custodian, Herman Gordon, on a vacation to his home country of Jamaica – the first true vacation he’s had in more than 11 years. Gordon said he plans to get a job in Jamaica and never return.

Amazon is opening its first-ever store that only sells products with 4-star and higher customer ratings. Customers can ask Alexa where to find stuff, but Alexa isn’t there because so many frustrated grandparents gave her 1-star reviews.

Disney released a line of Disney Princess-themed baking sets, so that young princesses can throw them at their moms when they want them to make cookies.

Emma Coronel, wife of drug kingpin Juan ‘El Chapo’ Guzman, threw a lavish Barbie-themed birthday party in Mexico for their twin daughters 7th birthday.  Guests were treated to carnival rides, and each got to take a deflated balloon for a group trip to Texas.

A man was arrested at Dublin Airport after missing his flight to Amsterdam, breaking through the door of the boarding gate, and chasing the plane as it taxied away – delighting the person watching from inside the aircraft next to his empty seat.

AAA’s Foundation for Traffic Safety reports that drivers don’t understand the limitations of new vehicle safety features such as automatic emergency braking. and adaptive cruise control. Those who have the features have mixed opinions, with many saying it makes applying makeup more difficult.

The Wondiwoi tree kangaroo, believed to be extinct, has reemerged and been spotted for the first time in 90 years. The Wondiwoi is extremely muscular and lives primarily in the treetops of New Guinea’s bamboo forests. Researchers making contact with the Wondiwoi asked where it had been, and the kangaroo replied “waiting for a f***ing ladder.”