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In Philadelphia, a food delivery driver shot a Chick-fil-A employee in the leg because he believed a milkshake was missing from his order. As news of the shooting spread, other food delivery drivers in Philadelphia reported getting bigger tips.

Movie theaters in the Middle East banned Disney/Pixar’s Lightyear because of a same-sex kiss. The Middle East is still reeling from that time Bugs Bunny dressed up like a sexy lady and kissed Elmer Fudd.

Instagram will now allow parents to send invitations to teen users so that parents can have additional supervisory controls. So far parents are 0-for-19 million getting their invitations accepted.

Yahoo! appointed Jessica Alba to its Board Of Directors, with incumbent women directors voting ‘No’ and male directors voting ‘Yahoo’!.

American Express will issue its first ‘Crypto Rewards Card’, where members can earn purchase rewards in their choice of cryptocurrency, which they’ll then have the flexibility to spend pretty much nowhere.

The vintage Harley Davidson motorcycle ridden by Johnny Depp in the John Waters movie ‘Cry Baby‘ is up for auction, with a starting bid of $250,000. Which seems high, but is still less than what some creep paid for the bedsheets Amber Heard ruined.

AEW wrestler Jeff Hardy was arrested for his 3rd DUI in Florida. Hardy was taken into custody after the cop slapped the pavement three times and rang a bell.

Japan enacted a law making ‘online insults’ punishable by up to year in prison. So now the Internet in Japan is pretty much just weird porn and cat videos.

Cryptocurrency exchange Coinbase is laying off 18% of its workforce. Asked how many of them wanted their severance paid in cryptocurrency, a spokesperson said “none”.

All entrances to Yellowstone National Park were closed amidst heavy flooding, disappointing tourists who’d hoped to get photos of bears surfing.

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A surge in COVID cases in Beijing has been traced to the Heaven Supermarket bar, a 24-hour bar known for cheap drinks and huge crowds. Chinese officials announced Heaven is in lockdown.

The average U.S. price for a gallon of gasoline topped $5.00 for the first time. It’s so expensive, drivers attending Dead & Company shows have eliminated ‘ass’ & ‘grass’ as payment options for those wishing to ride along.

Donald Trump’s former campaign manager Bill Stepien cancelled his testimony before the January 6th Committee hearings because of a “family emergency” – reportedly, his wife going into labor because, reportedly, Trump induced labor with a million dollars.

Shameka Morris, a young mom in Florida, is being criticized online for covering her one-year-old son’s entire body in temporary tattoos. The toddler is also being criticized for not wearing a shirt at day care while starting a Big Wheel gang there.

A fisherman gutted a large catfish he’d caught in the Ohio River and discovered the fish had swallowed a dildo. Days later, fishermen standing waist-deep in the Ohio River are wondering what ever happened to their favorite catfish.

19-year-old Katie Feeney is the NFL Washington Commanders first-ever social media coordinator. She plans future posts where former Commanders cheerleaders give her tips on dealing with inevitable sexual harassment.

Britney Spears said she danced in a “diamond thong” during her wedding reception. A gemologist inspecting the diamonds downgraded them from ‘flawless’ to ‘kinda gross’.

Christina Aguilera performed at the LA Pride celebration wearing a sparking green strap on dildo. Asked where she got it, she said there were bunch of them in the Lost & Found after the Pride Parade.

Broadway’s Tony Awards were handed out Sunday night, honoring the creative pioneers who turn cartoons, movies and older Broadway plays into recycled spectacles seen by a fraction of one percent of the population.

Rapper The Game said he was hurt that Dr Dre didn’t ask him to join last year’s Super Bowl Halftime show with Eminem, Snoop & Mary J Blige. Dre deflected, saying he didn’t ask because he’s The Game, not The Halftime.

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Two workers were rescued after falling into a chocolate vat at a Mars Wrigley candy factory in Pennyslvania. They were treated at a local hospital, and other employees were treated to a song about what they did wrong by little people coworkers.

Co-writer of 90s hit Ice Ice Baby, Mario ‘Chocolate’ Johnson, alleges performer Vanilla Ice didn’t write a word of it. For his part, an angry Ice accused Mario of acting like a chocolate johnson.

GEICO was ordered to pay $5.2 million to a woman who contracted HPV while having sex with a man in his GEICO-insured car. High school girls planning to go all the way in their boyfriend’s cars are now asking them for insurance information.

Jay Z & Twitter founder Jack Dorsey started a ‘Bitcoin Academy’ in a Brooklyn housing project. This replaces the ‘Career Academy’ run by local pimps.

Fleetwood Mac’s Christine McVie said that champagne and cocaine made her perform better, but she needed to stay alert before shows to make sure she got some before Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham snorted and chugged it all.

Lebron James said he wants to own an NBA franchise in Las Vegas, once he finds several co-owners to blame when the team doesn’t win.

Donald Trump is said to have agreed with January 6th rioters who wanted to hang Mike Pence. Pence was temporarily excited because he thought Trump agreed that Pence was hung.

AT&T is reportedly working on delivering 20 gigabit-per-second Internet access to homes next year. Xfinity said their focus remains on convincing customers they’re getting gigabit Internet speed when it’s really about half that.

Britney Spears’ first husband Jason Alexander attempted to crash her Thursday wedding ceremony. He was arrested and will remain jailed for longer than the 55 hours he was married to Britney.

A British man broke a world record by deadlifting 285.49 pounds with a single finger. He was later rushed to a hospital with severe bleeding after picking his nose.

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A man with a gun was arrested near the home of Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh. He planned to kill Kavanaugh and not a different conservative Justice because he was pretty sure there would be good beer there to celebrate afterward.

The Amarillo, Texas Zoo is shared a photo taken on May 21st of a strange, wolflike creature, and asked for the public’s help to identify it. Thousands of similar tips have poured in, but Ted Cruz wasn’t in town that day.

Thailand decriminalized marijuana, but still considers smoking it in public a nuisance law violation. In other news, the entirety of Thailand is sold out of brownie mix.

Apple introduced a new ‘Medication Tracking Feature’ to remind users to take their prescription meds – a feature long-demanded by forgetful seniors and opioid addicts with Apple Watches.

Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson reportedly booked massage therapy sessions with 66 different women. Watson, who’s played in the NFL just four years, already surpassed the league record for groin pulls set by 20-year veteran Brett Favre.

The Los Angeles Rams agreed to an extension with wide receiver Cooper Kupp. And Cleveland Browns QB Deshaun Watson negotiated an extension with several new massage therapists.

NASA’s powerful new James Webb Space Telescope suffered damage after being struck by a micrometeoroid- which fled the scene before sharing insurance information.

Prior to Game 3 of the NBA Finals, the visiting Golden State Warriors noticed the rim on the hoop they were shooting at during warmups was two inches too high. The height was corrected by the equipment supervisor – a former New England Patriots employee who inflated the footballs.

Kim Kardashian said it made her “so f**king horny” when boyfriend Pete Davidson got her Dibs ice cream bites from a drug store. Khloe Kardashian said she can relate, saying she gets horny for the Grubhub guy when he delivers the 20 oz ribeye from Sizzler.

Britney Spears will marry Sam Asghari today, in an intimate ceremony before 100 close friends and family. They chose Thursday because on the weekends they’re pretty slammed with birthday parties at Chuck E Cheese.

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The Washington Post suspended writer Dave Weigel for a month for retweeting the joke “Every girl is bi. You just have to figure out if it’s polar or sexual.” Weigel is remorseful, with a co-worker saying the suspension not only rectum, it practically killed him.

The mother of a two-year-old who shot and killed his father is being charged with manslaughter. The toddler said it’s the only way his mother would put Paw Patrol back on.

Microsoft virtual reality chief Alex Kipman resigned over accusations of inappropriate behavior toward women, and of watching ‘virtual reality porn’ in the office. Women claim Kipman would wear VR glasses in meetings and squeeze stress balls with his arms extended.

Fox News will not air the January 6th Committee’s primetime hearings on Thursday. However, they’re not sure Sean Hannity, Tucker Carlson & Laura Ingraham can hold their audience, so they made the unprecedented move to air a Matlock marathon.

Season 4 of Netflix hit Stranger Things propelled 1985 Kate Bush song ‘Running Up That Hill’ to Top 10 spots on U.S. and U.K, singles charts. However, no such luck for Wham! rerelease ‘Wake Me Up Before You DemoGo-Go-Gorgon’.

Philadelphia’s Made In America Festival announced its lineup for 2022 – headlined by Bad Bunny, Tyler The Creator, and bulletproof VIP viewing tents.

The European Union announced that in 2024, all smartphones and electronics must use a standard charger such as USB-C for regulatory approval. Apple said they’re okay, so long as they can continue selling $35 cords that break in two weeks.

As U.S. states enact strict abortion regulations amidst the expected reversal of Roe v Wade, direct-to-home abortion pill startup businesses are getting interest, such as Uber Broken Condom and Plan UPS.

Former Trump adviser Peter Navarro, speaking after his arrest for Contempt of Congress, claimed he was treated worse than illegal immigrants & Al Qaeda terrorists. Arresting officers deny this, saying Navarro was actually waterboarded with Kool-Aid.

Stars of reality tv show Chrisley Knows Best, Todd & Julie Chrisley, were found guilty of defrauding banks out of $30 million in personal loans. While their own show was cancelled, they’ll be special guests on future episodes of Love After Lockup.

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New Jersey fishermen spotted a massive great white shark. Shark experts say it’s a teenage great white, because of its size, and because it was copying a great black shark’s dance moves and recording it for Tik Tok.

Philadelphia police blamed “contagious gunfire” for a weekend shooting on South Street. As proof of the contagion, they said over a dozen people tested positive for lead.

A petition from Michigan Republicans to stop voter fraud was voided after it was found to contain 20,000 fake signatures. They’ll regroup and renew their efforts, according to Michigan GOP chairman Mike Hunt.

Actress Neve Campbell will not appear in Scream 6, saying the salary she was offered was insufficient given her contributions to the franchise. That, and the first five left her with a really sore throat.

Apple announced iOS 16 and changes to iMessage, including the ability to unsend and edit dick pics.

Paramount Pictures, producer of Top Gun: Maverick, is being sued for copyright payments by family members of the author of an article which inspired the original Top Gun. Plaintiffs are seeking damages in the millions, although a similar suit involving the Iron Eagle movies was settled for free popcorn refills.

The CDC added four nations to its ‘high risk’ list for travel due to COVID infections: St Kitts & Nevis; Guyana; Mongolia; Namibia. Also, the bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco & Firearms added two destinations to their high-risk list: anywhere in Philadelpia or Chicago on Saturday nights

A mysterious radio signal emanating from a slow pulsar in outer space has astronomers baffled – despite being the 10th callers, they were unable to identify the secret sound and the Radio Jupiter prize pack grew to $6,000.

Amazon Prime Video released the first trailer for its ‘A League Of Their Own’ tv show, which promises a “deeper look at race & sexuality” in women’s pro baseball. Translation: Betty Spaghetti’s husband dies and she hooks up with her black teammate.

More PGA Tour players are resigning in order to play for the Saudi-backed LIV Golf Tour. The first event is this weekend in London, so they’ll all be-headed there.

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Scottish football referees Craig Napier and Lloyd Wilson came out as gay, to help change the stigma of homosexuality in that country. Now they give players a redyelloworangegreenblue card.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson faces a ‘no confidence’ vote from Parliament for throwing parties during COVID lockdown. Johnson’s defense centers on his wanting to get a 20-month headstart on the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee celebrations.

Sony Pictures rerelease of box office bomb Morbius failed, with just $85,000 in tickets sold on Friday – and those were to people tricked by the new title, Top Gun: Morbius.

Queen Elizabeth was unable to attend her Platinum Jubilee concert due to discomfort. However, she did send two royal butlers to the show to throw her panties on the stage at Rod Stewart.

Thousands of UK workers are starting a four-day work week trial, where they receive full pay for just 80% of the hours, promising that they’ll maintain the same productivity. “Yep, we promise” said British teens smoking cigarettes in front of UK Walmart.

New diabetes drug Tirzepatide led to larger-than-expected weight loss in patients, and not just from their feet falling off.

Virgin Atlantic airlines updated its policy and now allows flight attendants to show off their tattoos while in uniform. However, tattoos on women’s breasts and men’s buttocks are only visible to first class passengers.

Kyle Rittenhouse claimed he’s going to Texas A&M in the fall, but the university said he’s not enrolled. Rittenhouse clarified, saying he meant he’s going to Texas armed & murder people.

A teaser trailer for the new Hunger Games movie prequel premiered last night, called The No Thanks I’m Stuffed Games.

388 people in Britain donned mermaid tails to break the Guinness World Record for largest gathering of ‘merfolk’. The mermaid tails may be auctioned off, once the urine is cleaned out of them.

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New York State passed a law raising the minimum age to 21 in order to purchase or own a semi-automatic rifle. NRA parents are now left scrambling to find gifts for high-school graduation parties.

Queen Elizabeth pulled out of her scheduled appearance at a St. Paul’s Cathedral service during her Platinum Jubilee, citing “discomfort”. Other old British ladies were thrilled to have a new excuse they, too, could use to blow off two dismal hours at church.

The United Nations recognized the nation of Turkey’s official name change to Turkiye, pronounced tur-key-yay, and the condiment of Gravy’s official name change to Graviye.

COO Sheryl Sandberg announced she’s leaving Facebook parent company Meta, and that she’s under investigation for using company resources to plan her wedding. She runs Facebook, but still needed three Facebook software developers to figure out the privacy settings for the wedding event.

Apple claims its upcoming iPad OS 16 tablet operating system will finally make iPads effectively replace laptops. Because the software weighs four pounds.

The Philadelphia Phillies fired manager Joe Girardi. The team is now seven games under .500, but the last straw was Girardi testing positive for monkeypox.

NASA selected Axiom Space and Collins Aerospace to develop the next spacesuits for astronauts working outside the International Space Station (ISS), edging out Carhartt and Wrangler.

Law enforcement officials in Uvalde, Texas now claim 911 call information from terrified children “never reached” the police chief on-site – thanks to a Texas law requiring school children to answer each other’s 911 calls.

LIV Golf, the upstart professional golf league backed by the Saudi Arabian government, is rumored to have paid Dustin Johnson $125 million to join. Or, about a thousand times what they pay for guys to execute foreign journalists.

A new study finds 17 & 18 year olds should have one-to-two hours of screen time per day on weekdays, and two-to-three hours on weekends, to be emotionally well-adjusted. Males should spend most of their time on social media and websites, and an efficient 90 seconds on porn.

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A California woman found $36,000 in the cushion of a sofa she got for free on Craigslist. She returned the money, and the condoms she found in a different cushion.

The company owning the rights to Elvis Presley’s likeness ordered Las Vegas wedding chapels to stop performing Elvis-themed weddings. Couples married by Elvis impersonators have the option of going to Graceland for an officially-licensed Elvis divorce.

Queen Elizabeth commemorated 70 years on the throne – proving the damaging impact of British cooking.

Chevrolet announced it’s lowering the price of its Bolt electric vehicle to $27,000. Bolt sedans were recently recalled because of flammable batteries; Chevy says the price cut is permanent and not a fire sale.

The United Kingdom is planning to send U.S.-made medium-range rocket systems to Ukraine to help battle the Russian invasion. They’re also planning to send UK-made scones to Russian soldiers to make them too sick to fight.

Amber Heard’s attorney says she can’t pay the $10 million judgment won by ex-husband Johnny Depp in their defamation trial. She’ll appeal, but if she loses that, keep an eye out for an Aquaman-themed Only Fans account.

A woman born with a misshapen right ear received a new, transplanted ear which was 3-D printed using her own cells. She then had it pierced at a shopping mall and ruined it.

Buffalo Bills quarterback Josh Allen admitted in an interview that he vomits before every game – as do about 12-to-15,000 fans attending Bills home games.

Archaeologists unearthing the ruins of an ancient Roman fort found a stone with a drawing of a penis etched into it, along with what’s believed to be the first-ever carved graffiti of the phrase ‘for a good time, call..’

Police arrested a Utah man after he brandished a firearm at McDonald’s drive-thru employees, followed by his 4-year-old son firing a shot at responding officers. The man was jailed, and the toddler got a Happy Meal with fries instead of apple slices.

A bison gored a woman at Yellowstone National Park, tossing her 10 feet in the air. The bison’s friend now has to toss a different tourist higher than that to win the bet.

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Reality tv star Stephanie Matto, who’d already started a business selling her farts in a jar, is now selling her ‘boob sweat’ and claiming to make $5,000/day doing so. Most of the revenue is from illiterate moms still desperate for baby formula.

Mothers of newborns are doing their part during the U.S. baby formula shortage by pumping extra breast milk, although many shoppers wish they weren’t doing so in the baby food aisle at the grocery store.

Lucid Motors’ Lucid Air electric sedan won Motor Trend Car Of The Year honors in its first year of existence, the best showing by a first-year automaker since the Yugo GV took 48th place in 1986.

Doctors are advising monkeypox patients to abstain from sex while symptomatic – or, at the very least, to put a condom on their banana.

Florida GOP Congressman Matt Gaetz listed his reasons for regular citizens needing an AR-15 assault rifle, starting with the possibility that the 16 year old girl you just paid for doesn’t think you’re the right guy for her.

Retired football star & Georgia GOP candidate Herschel Walker is mad at Donald Trump, calling him a liar because he claims it was God – not Trump – who convinced him to run for Senate. God said if he got involved in elections, there would have been a different 45th U.S. President.

Both pilots of an ITA Airways jet flying from New York to Italy reportedly fell asleep, losing contact with air traffic control. The pilots cited fatigue from alcohol consumption and cockpit sex with flight attendants.

A man who fathered 15 children via sperm donation for lesbian couples failed to inform them he has a genetic disorder that causes learning disabilities. The lesbians are disappointed, but say they probably shouldn’t have bought sperm at Big Lots.

A New Jersey teenager and geneaology expert solved a 57-year-old cold murder case in Pennsylvania – matching DNA to a bartender who died in 1980. Police exhumed the body to confirm the match and to slap handcuffs on the skeleton.

Netflix, faced with subscriber declines and cost increases, said they’ve reset their feature film strategy, focusing on fewer, better, bigger films – and whatever junk Adam Sandler decides he wants to do.