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A Florida man died on the operating table when his surgeon reportedly removed the patient’s liver instead of his spleen. The surgeon said he wasn’t feeling well that day after his eating his breakfast of spleen & onions.

Comcast/NBCUniversal agreed to pay $2.45 billion per year to air NBA games, and an extra half-billion to make sure none of them are Washington Wizards games.

A new strain of monkeypox was discovered in Africa. It now includes gorillas.

Donald Trump said that crime in the U.S. is so bad, “you can’t walk across the street to get a loaf of bread – you get shot, you get mugged, you get raped..” Trump said the lesson is to buy bread on the side of the street you’re already on.

A toddler was reportedly served alcohol during a meal at a California restaurant. Investigators are still trying to determine how the vodka got in the kid’s sippy cup.

An attendee reportedly died on Day 1 of the Burning Man Festival. First responders called it a “sick burn”.

The World Health Organization claimed 70% of baby food fails to meet their nutritional standards. They then retracted the report after discovering they weren’t testing “baby food”, they were testing “Kids Meals”.

Lululemon recalled all of their new Breezethrough leggings, after women complained of an unflattering fit, and about the thick fabric not letting their posterior breeze through.

Walmart recalled apple juice over high arsenic levels. “Who wants a 10th glass of apple juice?? ” asked a mom of 3 kids looking to lower the household budget.

Typing “”:: reportedly crashes iPhones. Men & women are now busily borrowing their parents iPhones so they can type “”:: into them.

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A transgender Michigan woman lost a court case when a judge ruled she could not sue her ex-boyfriend for humiliation she suffered when he discarded her removed testicles. Ironically, the judge said she had a lot of balls for even trying.

A new Gallup poll finds married people report being much happier in life. Although some experts say the poll is biased because single people were too busy having sex and doing cool stuff without kids to finish it.

Oakland, California businesses are closing or moving at an unprecedented rate because of violent crime. It’s so bad, Major League Baseball’s Oakland Athletics are moving to Las Vegas because they can’t play home games on account of all the stolen bases.

Joe Biden criticized a special counsel report on his mishandling of classified documents, calling him an elderly man with a bad memory. Biden says his memory is fine, and if you don’t believe him, ask that black guy he worked with for a few years, O’whatshisname.

Grammarly is laying off 230 employees, starting with the guy who emailed his co-worker “I think their laying me of”.

Taylor Swift tripped on stairs and nearly fell onstage during her Tokyo concert. Fans are eager to hear The Tortured Poets Department special bonus track “Cheap-Ass Japanese Steps”.

A Centers For Disease Control report claims teens are increasingly using drugs and alcohol for stress relief. Teens used to stress out about getting drugs and alcohol, but thankfully there’s DoorDash.

Culture & entertainment website Vulture ranked all 122 Billy Joel songs. They were going to rank all 121, but Joel released ‘Turn The Lights Back On’ last week that landed at #122.

The film ‘Miller’s Girl’ – about a male high school English teacher’s affair with a female student – is drawing attention to a sex scene between 52 year old actor Martin Freeman and 21-year-old actress Jenna Ortega. While many have called it “gross” and “inappropriate”, many high school teachers called it “accurate”.

A 20-year-old female prison guard was arrested after having sex with an inmate at the men’s jail. The man said at first he thought she was a lawyer after offering to help him get off.

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Spirits maker Diageo and ‘Diddy’ ended their partnership after he accused them of marketing his Ciroc vodka and DeLeon tequila as “urban” brands. Diageo denied the claims, then shared a recipe mixing Ciroc & Colt 45 malt liquor as a ‘Diddypolitan’.

Philadelphia Eagles center Jason Kelce reportedly said “f… my life!” every time the team ran their famous ‘tush push’ short-yardage play. Quarterback Chase Young of the 2-15 Carolina Panthers said it before every play and practice.

A woman named Samantha Hart claims that her employer changes their email address protocol of first initial/last name to avoid the accidentally vulgar ‘shart@…’ prefix. She requested they just add a number so it’s ‘shart#2@…’

People with index fingers shorter than their ring fingers are more likely to be psychopaths. Just ask them to let go of the knife before you get a good look at their hands.

Kate, Princess of Wales, is expected to be hospitalized up to two weeks following abdominal surgery to remove several of the late Queen Elizabeth II’s famous scones that have been stuck there for years.

Google’s CEO Sundar Pichai warned staff that more layoffs are coming. It’s so bad, Google AI bots are sending out resumes.

Kanye West reportedly spent $850,000 to have his teeth removed and replaced with titanium dentures. He then paid Procter & Gamble $1 million to develop mint-flavored Dawn dish detergent so he could brush them.

3M began issuing payments after losing a $6 billion judgment over its combat earplugs not working. Injured soldiers would be happy to hear this news if they could.

Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said that head coach Mike McCarthy would return next season, despite the team’s blowout playoff loss to Green Bay. Asked to explain his decision, Jones stated “Belichick said no.”

A passenger on a budget airline was stuck in the jet’s bathroom for the duration of a flight because the lock broke. The passenger received an apology from the crew, but the passengers in the last rows next to the bathroom were the ones who really suffered.

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Wild deer have been found with coronavirus antibodies. The deer feel pretty good about their chances with COVID-19, they just wish people would stop shooting them and hitting them with cars.

Former Fleetwood Mac guitarist/vocalist Lindsey Buckingham said in an interview that “almost everyone” would be happy to have him back in the band. He wouldn’t articulate who wouldn’t want him back, but it rhymes with Skeevy Ticks.

Guns N’ Roses kicked off a new tour. Shares of the company that owns Jack Daniels rose 2000% in early trading.

A new study links alcohol use to cancer. People find out they have cancer, then get loaded.

The owner of Scholastic, who died suddenly in June, left the $1.2 billion educational publishing company to his former lover and cut his family out of his will. It’s being called Scholastic’s hardest lesson.

Flight attendants on a Frontier Airlines flight duct-taped an unruly passenger to his seat after he groped their breasts and punched one. Spirit Airlines expressed regret at losing one of their Platinum Elite frequent-flyer members.

ABC Network announced that all of the American Idol judges & host – Katy Perry, Luke Bryan, Lionel Richie & Ryan Seacrest – will return next season. Which is more than you can say for the winner of American Idol, who everyone’s forgotten already.

CVS Pharmacy raised its minimum wage to $15 and eliminated education requirements for some positions. They were immediately flooded with applications from high-school dropouts for jobs handling drugs.

Barack Obama canceled his planned 60th birthday party on Martha’s Vineyard due to surging COVID-19 cases. So Donald Trump shipped the gift-wrapped box of dog poop to New York Governor Andrew Cuomo instead.

Visitors to New Jersey shore beaches have been marveling at how clear the water has been recently, saying you can now see all the medical waste, and the stream when nearby swimmers are pissing.

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Before giving Tony Romo the richest contract for a NFL football analyst in broadcast history, CBS Sports reportedly tried to hire Peyton Manning instead. But the lenses on the booth cameras were unable to fully capture his massive forehead.

Google rolled out a new ‘feature drop’ for its Pixel lineup of phones, including  ‘car crash detection’, which detects car crashes using the phone’s microphone, accelerometer, and the name of the old Asian woman it’s registered to.

Nintendo’s mobile race game ‘Mario Kart Tour’ goes live on March 8th, allowing you to race against friends. It’s the first mobile game where you can lose to someone, then hit them in the head with your phone.

Bose Corporation terminated their CEO back in January without telling anyone, proving how good they are at cancelling noise.

Philadelphia’s National Museum of American Jewish History filed for bankruptcy protection. The museum director asked if any of their members knew a good lawyer, and received over 75,000 referrals in an hour.

Mike Pence dodged a reporter’s question asking him if he’d take his kids to Disney during the coronavirus outbreak. Pence then said Gay Days at Disney aren’t until early June, so he has time to think about it.

Police searched the apartment of a UPS worker planning a mass shooting in California, finding tactical weapons, body armor, 20,000 rounds of ammo – and a really efficient getaway map with no left turns!

Two New York City high schools closed after a suspected case of COVID-19 coronavirus in the community. Officials sought to spare students exposure to illness, and to spare parents from the schools’ musical production of ‘Fiddler On The Roof’.

Health experts are warning that homemade hand sanitizer recipes that recommend using vodka are ineffective, since vodka is only 40% alcohol. In other news, influencers were invited to the launch party for Mad Dog 2020 Hand Sanitizer.

Nearly 10% of Iranian lawmakers are infected with coronavirus; adding this is likely to cause a significant slowdown in the speed of trials and beheadings.