By |

China updated its policies to allow families up to three children, because those iPhones aren’t going to build themselves.

Apple extended their remote office work until January, 2022 – unless your office is an iPhone factory, in which case get your ass to work right away.

Tesla introduced Tesla Bots – humanoid robots that use the same artificial intelligence and cameras found in Tesla cars. The first Tesla Bots turned on their auto pilot function and died sprinting into bridge abutments.

The FDA gave full approval to the Pfizer vaccine to treat COVID-19 – but, in a rare “I-told-you-so moment”, also gave full approval to Clorox for injecting bleach.

Kylie Jenner is reportedly pregnant with her second baby fathered by rapper Travis Scott. Her first child is named Stormi, she plans to name this one Dark.

The Pentagon is ordering U.S. airlines help evacuate American citizens and Afghan visa holders from Kabul after the Taliban’s violent takeover. Evacuees assigned to Spirit Airlines decided to wait a few days to see what their options are.

Governor Andrew Cuomo is reportedly asking staffers if anyone wants to keep his dog, Captain, after he leaves the Governor’s mansion. So far, no takers, as Captain faces 13 different allegations of unwanted leg-humping.

After Mike Richards resigned following accusations of sexual harassment and misogyny, critics want Mayim Bialik fired from her Jeopardy! hosting duties over past statements on vaccines. At this rate, Levar Burton may never get hired because of the fight Geordi had with Captain Picard in 1987.

Former special education teacher-turned-OnlyFans porn star Courtney Tillia said the platform’s ban on pornography will hurt her financially, but she won’t return to teaching. “Damn”, said her special education students.

Google Maps expanded support for e-bike and scooter rental services, so you can get directions to the emergency room when you get struck by a car on your e-bike or scooter.

By |

Boston Beer Company is teaming with Pepsi to make an alcoholic version of Mountain Dew – called Mountain Dew: Code Liver Failure.

Five New Jersey shore beaches were closed due to fecal bacteria levels. Local officials are asking parents to bathe diaper-clad infants and toddlers in the water to get levels back up to normal.

Colorado officials are saying not to trust Google Maps & Waze, after several travelers were stranded following those directions. They also say not to trust local bears offering to help when they see you’re lost.

New York Lieutenant Governor Kathy Hochul will become New York’s first woman Governor after Andrew Cuomo resigned. She led Cuomo’s “Enough Is Enough” campaign to battle sexual assault on college campuses, but did not support his “Enough May Not Be Enough” program in the state capital.

YouTube suspended Senator Rand Paul for sharing a video that falsely claims masks are ineffective in preventing the spread of COVID-19. Unfortunately this also means no one can view his many skateboard trick videos.

Tropical Storm Fred could hit Florida, and may rise to hurricane strength. Governor Ron Desantis has threatened to shut down businesses that temporarily close to stay safe.

A new study finds four seconds of high-intensity exercise, repeated two or three dozen times, benefit metabolism and muscles in people of varying ages. Although the study points out the four seconds need to be repeated in the same day, not year.

Northrop Grumman launches a new cargo ship to the International Space Station today. You can watch the launch online, then watch the arrival to guess which astronaut anxiously grabs the new shipment of toilet paper.

Jeopardy! will reportedly have two official hosts for the first time ever, with Executive Producer Mike Richards hosting daily games, and Mayim Bialik hosting specials and spinoffs. Aaron Rodgers will host his own special pouting about not being included in the decision.

A 13-year-old boy on an American Airlines flight was duct-taped to his seat for abusing his mother, and attempting to kick in a window. Other passengers were jealous because they taped him to a bulkhead aisle seat.

By |

Vanderpump Rules star Lisa Vanderpump’s daughter, Pandora Todd, is pregnant. Suffice to say someone opened her box.

California’s Dixie wildfire is now the second-largest in state history. Those in Dixie land who take their stand are, generally, dying in Dixie.

Following Stevie Nicks & Lindsey Buckingham selling the rights to their music catalogs for tens of millions, Fleetwood Mac keyboardist Christine McVie sold her song rights. She used the proceeds to buy new tires for her Camry.

Greece has also been experiencing devastating wildfires. Large cargo planes have been dropping oatmeal and baking soda, since that’s how you extinguish a Greece fire.

Embattled New York Governor Andrew Cuomo – facing sexual harassment accusations from 11 women – had his top assistant, Secretary Melissa DeRosa, resign. DeRosa said she was tired of being 12th on the Governor’s list.

Olympian Simone Biles wowed Instagram followers with a bikini photo and a new braided hairstyle she’s calling the Twisty.

Philip Morris International – maker of Marlboro and other tobacco cigarettes – said they’ll stop selling Marlboros in the U.K. in ten years. Meanwhile, middle-aged cowboys are reportedly auditioning for print ads featuring the Narlboro Man.

Germany’s modern pentathlon coach Kim Raisner was disqualified from the Tokyo Olympics for punching a horse that refused to jump during equestrian events. The horse also reportedly refused a bouquet of carrots Raisner sent to it.

Bruce Springsteen’s daughter Jessica won a silver medal in equestrian competition at the Tokyo Olympic games. The horse praised Jessica for strapping her hands across his engines.

A Colorado Rockies fan, accused of yelling the n-word at a Miami Marlins player, may have actually been saying “Dinger”, the name of the team’s dinosaur mascot. For the record, Dinger clarified that he’s actually purple, not black.

By |

A man stole a 400-pound playground slide and placed it next to the bunk bed in his child’s bedroom. The man was turned in by several six-year-olds who followed him home, insisting that they never got their turn.

Ex-presidents Obama, Bush, Clinton & Carter joined their wives in a public service announcement promoting the COVID-19 vaccine. Donald & Melania Trump declined, but said they’d do one for penicillin shots.

A Twitch streamer played classic video game Super Mario World using only his voice. He alternates between saying “run”, “jump”, and several swear words.

Scientists want to send 6.7 million sperm samples to the moon. The ones Neil Armstrong & Buzz Aldrin left there have finally run out.

Prince William responded to Prince Harry & Meghan Markle’s interview, saying the Royals are very much not a racist family, forgoing the n-word to add “African-Brit please”.

A rare yellow cardinal was spotted in an Illinois backyard. The bird said if they gave him the fruit he asked for instead of sunflower seeds, his jaundice would go away.

Netflix is testing new limits on password sharing. So don’t expect your broke-ass buddies to be all caught up when Stranger Things comes back.

A sixth woman has accused New York Governor Andrew Cuomo of inappropriate touching or sexual harassment. His Italian grandmother is worried he STILL hasn’t found the right girl.

A cruise ship, the MSC Lirica, caught fire in Corfu, Greece, where it was awaiting passengers. None of the 51 crew members were injured, but the buffet menu was changed from offering steamed crab legs to smoked ones.

A worker at the Columbus Zoo was attacked by a cheetah while walking it for exercise. The worker, now released from the hospital, said he’ll be more open to the cheetah’s suggestions to walk faster.

By |

In Japan, 1,000 people were stuck in their cars overnight in a 9-mile long traffic jam caused by snow, and a guy trying to parallel park.

A hostile Russian hacking campaign is much bigger than initially thought, according to the CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, and a kid in D.C. who said Zoom didn’t work as he skipped virtual school.

Vice President Mike Pence received the COVID-19 vaccine, once Mother arrived to hold his hand.

Alabama workers at an Amazon warehouse are voting on becoming the first U.S. union of Amazon employees. They’re seeking higher wages, better healthcare, and larger bottles to piss in during their shifts.

The Securities and Exchange Commission fined online trading company Robinhood $65 million for misleading investors. They’ll transfer the funds to the Sheriff of Nottingham.

Jeremy Bulloch, a British actor who portrayed Boba Fett in the original Star Wars trilogy, died at age 75, surrounded by family and Ewoks.

Five crew members have reportedly quit Mission Impossible 7 after another COVID protocol rant from Tom Cruise. The workers said they didn’t quit, they just listened to Cruise and refused to accept their mission.

McDonald’s is putting cameras in their garbage dumpsters. The cameras are measuring efficiency of recycling efforts, and gathering feedback to see how sick raccoons are getting from eating McRib.

Winter storm Gail dumped almost four feet of snow in the Southern Tier of New York State. Governor Andrew Cuomo declared a state of emergency, and the opening of New York’s first COVID-19 ICI units – Intensive Care Igloos.

Harley-Davidson debuted its new Serial 1 electric bicycles. They can reach 20mph on electric power, cost between $3,400 -$5,000, and will be used by the least-scary biker gang in history.

By |

The American Academy of Opthalmology reports pinkeye can be an early indicator of COVID-19 infection – an opinion shared by the American Academy of Ass-Eaters.

3.28 million workers applied for unemployment benefits last week – spiking both the unemployment rate and boring stories from grandparents who say they never called in sick, ever.

Men are 50% more likely to die from COVID-19 infection, since they won’t ask directions to testing sites.

The $2 trillion federal stimulus package suspends student loan payments for six months, which probably makes it a full year when tacked on to your lazy slacker kid’s repayment record.

AMC movie theatres laid off all 600 corporate employees. If you’d like to donate $10 to a relief fund, you’ll get a small popcorn – same as usual.

The Great Barrier Reef just experienced its most widespread bleaching event on record. It’s killing the corals, but sea turtles are just relieved it’s disinfected.

Media regulator Ofcom claims microwave oven usage slows down wifi signals. They advise you to heat pizza rolls first, then start your porno movie.

Idaho’s governor approved a new law making 16 the minimum age for people to get married in the state, leaving Idaho wedding planners holding the bag on thousands of dollars worth of Paw Patrol-themed wedding decorations.

  • “Great, now we have to get bus tickets to Mississippi” said a couple of hopeless romantic 12-year-olds.

Bindi Irwin, daughter of the late wildlife expert Steve Irwin, married Chandler Powell in Queensland’s Australia Zoo. The second-hardest part was holding the ceremony during COVID-19 lockdown; the hardest part was getting the orangutans into bridesmaid dresses.

New York Governor Andrew Cuomo says that the state’s social distancing efforts may be working to slow the spread of COVID-19.  Hot New York City chicks say it’s also working to ghost their soon-to-be-ex-boyfriends.

By |

Amazon’s Jeff Bezos is contributing $2 Billion to an effort to fight homelessness, because Amazon drones have trouble finding them to deliver the stuff they ordered.

Donald Trump is alleged to have illegally ordered the removal of braille signage from Trump Tower elevators during construction, telling the architect “no blind people” will ever live there.  This explained why Stevie Wonder got lost & never showed up for a private concert at the Trump Tower penthouse years ago.

Trump also faced criticism for retweeting a FEMA link to a Hurricane Florence ‘Rumor Control Page’, set up to minimize misinformation regarding the storm. Trump has wrongly said the Puerto Rico/Hurricane Maria death toll is a lie, and also added a photo to his FEMA retweet claiming to be him big-wave surfing off the North Carolina coast.

Elon Musk’s Space X has reportedly signed up their first civilian passenger for a flight around the moon.  The passenger is allowed one carry-on, will board in Group 4, and has yet to upgrade to a window seat.

Incumbent New York State Governor Andrew Cuomo defeated his Democratic primary challenger, Cynthia Nixon, carrying 65% of votes. Nixon’s team blamed the huge loss on high voter turnout – much like Nixon blamed hatred of ‘Sex and the City’ on the large number of straight men watching it.

Health officials are warning customers of a New Mexico spa to get blood tests, after the spa was found using unsafe hygiene practices while giving so-called “vampire facials”.  Vampire facials involve microinjections of blood plasma, and are not to be confused with the porn parodies of ‘Twilight’.

Paul Manafort entered a plea deal with Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s team to avoid a second trial. Reports surfaced that the deal includes a cooperation agreement with Mueller’s team, either for testimony or for hooking up his hard-working lawyers with Russian prostitutes.

Kylie Jenner posted an extensive first-person Snapchat story about dealing with bullies, then stepped out in a pair of skin-tight latex pants that had everyone saying “bully for her!”

Consumer Reports issued a list of five ‘top vehicles under $25,000’ for first-time new-car buyers. Topping the list – the Subaru Forrester – praised for its roominess, fuel efficiency, safety, and ability to expand the owner’s social circle to include more gay women.

Julia Mooney, a New Jersey middle-school art teacher, is sending a message about eco-consciousness by wearing the same dress to school for 100 consecutive days. “Miss Mooney — new dress?” said a kid doing a lousy job covering up for skipping the first two weeks of school.