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Starting in 2024, the the SAT Exam will move entirely online, allowing students to use calculators, bring their own laptop, and use Zoom to cheat off other kids answers.

Fox News reporter Peter Doocy said Joe Biden called his cell phone to “clear the air” after calling Doocy a “stupid son of a bitch” during a press conference. Biden ended the call by asking Doocy to say hi to Fox & Friends Steve Doocy, “that dumb sh*t father of yours”.

Tiffany Haddish told Jimmy Fallon that she asked God for a new man, and he sent her four in uniform – referencing cops during her recent DUI arrest. She’s expected to appear in court with her lawyer and better jokes.

Kanye West said he won’t overshare details of his relationships “like Will Smith and Jada Pinkett”. Because if there’s one thing he’s known for, it’s privacy and subtlety.

Kim Kardashian visited a black-owned coffee shop in Los Angeles with Hillary Clinton and Chelsea Clinton for a new Apple+ tv show, ‘Three People Nobody Wants To Be President.’

Neil Young is demanding his music be removed from streaming service Spotify because of podcaster Joe Rogan’s vaccine misinformation. Spotify paid Joe Rogan $100 million for his podcast, then cut a farewell check to Young for 38 cents for the 2021 streams of ‘Rockin’ In The Free World’.

Consumer products company Unilever, owner of Dove and Ben & Jerry’s, cut 1,500 jobs, saying the cows still on the payroll will just have to work harder.

Google intends to replace ‘cookies’ with ‘Topics’, behaviorally-targeted advertising based on assigning sites you visit into 300 topical categories. The categories are ‘Porn’, ‘Sites Used To Hide Porn’, and 298 others.

Actor Peter Dinklage called Disney’s forthcoming live-action Snow White movie “backward”, for continuing to depict Seven Dwarfs living in a cave. Disney offered a compromise, offering Dinklage a role as the new eighth dwarf, ‘Woke’.

Janet Jackson says in a new tv biography that name-calling from brother Michael was playful, but still hurt. She claims Michael called her “pig, cow, horse” and other insults, when he would look for her penis and not find anything.

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The WNBA New York Liberty waived Layshia Clarendon, the league’s first trans & non-binary player. After being claimed off waivers, Clarendon now identifies as a Minnesota Lynx.

Fans have been banned for dumping popcorn, throwing a water bottle, and spitting on, players in Washington, Philadelphia and New York. The fans explained they behaved this way at NBA Playoff games because they couldn’t get NHL Playoff tickets.

Ben & Jerry’s still have not introduced their new CBD-infused ice cream. They say more consumer education is needed to keep people from trying to smoke it.

Kate Winslet said she told the director not to edit out her bulging belly during a sex scene in HBO series Mare Of Easttown. She also told the director not to listen to her male co-star, who asked for a 24-year-old body double for the scene.

Pope Francis has rewritten Catholic Church law regarding sexual abuse, insisting bishops take immediate action against priests who abuse minors and vulnerable adults. This replaces the Church’s existing ‘Twenty Strikes” rule for sex abuse.

China wants couples to have more kids. The government had restricted families to one child, but expanded that to three, saying all those iPhones and iPads aren’t going to build themselves.

World #2 tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open, citing anxiety and depression. Osaka plans to work through her faults.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson says he sees no evidence why England can’t reopen in June. Residents are excited to dine on terrible British food in restaurants so they don’t have to make it for themselves at home.

Tiger Woods said rehab from leg injuries suffered in a car crash is “more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced….including gonorrhea”.

A baseball player in the Dominican Republic was banned for life after attacking a home plate umpire with his bat and batting helmet. The player went 1-for-2, hitting the ump with the bat, but missing with the thrown helmet.

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Dave Chappelle brought out Louis C.K. as a surprise guest at his comedy shows in Yellow Springs, Ohio – on the condition that Louis C.K. agreed not to bring out a surprise guest backstage.

Simon Cowell broke his back after falling off an electric bike at his home. Hearing the news, hundreds of former American Idol and America’s Got Talent contestants wondered if the bike was okay.

Fire consumed a house owned by Rachael Ray in upstate New York. Responders were able to contain the fire, but said the cookies had to be thrown out.

A former finance CEO – Douglas Hodge, 62 – convicted in the college admissions scandal said his sentence at upstate New York’s Otisville prison is “torture”. He then asked who he needs to pay six figures to get into a nicer prison.

Amazon is reportedly planning to use closed Sears and JC Penney stores as fulfillment centers. As practice for possible new jobs, shoppers are urinating in bottles and milk jugs as they shop at Sears and JC Penney.

Donald Trump reached out to the governor of South Dakota to inquire about adding his face to Mount Rushmore. Unfortunately, there isn’t enough sculptable rock, and the wind would keep blowing off the tumbleweed hair.

Ben & Jerry’s said partially-eaten ice cream pints should be stored upside-down to prevent ‘freezer burn’. Or, do what most people do and eat the whole thing at once.

Ghislaine Maxwell’s former personal assistant, Emmy Tayler, has reportedly left the U.K. following Maxwell’s arrest on sex abuse charges. Tayler is rumored to be in the Napa Valley learning to make wine in a toilet before visiting Maxwell in New York.

A distraught 24-year-old woman posted in a Reddit relationship forum that her husband  bought a used Taco Bell dining booth to put in his home office. She wrote that it isn’t the horrible design she finds most offensive, it’s the smell.

McDonald’s is suing its formerCEO Steve Easterbrook for lying to the board of directors about the sexual nature of his relationships with employees. Easterbrook’s lawyer claims he only kept it a secret because that’s the way Hamburglars like to operate.

 

 

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Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg returned to Supreme Court proceedings, after missing time with gastrointestinal issues. In a 6-3 ruling regarding a foul smell in the courtroom, justices ruled Ginsburg “dealt it”.

Motley Crue annouced they’re voiding their ‘Cessation of Touring’ agreement and will headline a stadium tour in 2020.  However an appeal to uphold the agreement and block the Crue from touring was filed by “Music”.

A new space hotel using artificial gravity is scheduled to be in orbit and habitable by 2025, provided they can figure out what to do about guests dying during the walk from the parking lot.

A 5-year-old boy brought heroin to kindergarten and reportedly told classmates when he tasted it, it made him “feel like Spider Man”. Unfortunately, his classmates were helpless as he nodded out and Doctor Octopus stole all of their lunches.

Philadelphia could become the first city to offer so-called ‘safe injection sites’ for heroin users. The plan faces legal hurdles, as does the proposed loyalty program where addicts accumulate reward points redeemable for Eagles merchandise.

A new Stanford University study shows that an antibody injection could prevent the effects of peanut allergies. So far they’ve only seen positive results in animals, because they can’t get allergic kids to sit still for the shots.

Parents who are addicted to their smartphones have a negative impact on their children’s development, according to bummed out parents reading about the study on their smartphone.

A new lawsuit accuses Ben & Jerry’s of lying when they claim their ice cream is only made from “happy cows” on farms with the ‘Caring Dairy’ certification. As evidence, the plaintiffs cite the high levels of Prozac found in their Chunky Monkey.

‘Ford v. Ferrari’, starring Matt Damon and Christian Bale, topped the weekend box office with $31 million. ‘Charlie’s Angels’ bombed, taking in just over $8 million – surprising experts who predicted Charlie’s Angels would earn 75% of a movie starring men.

  • It was so bad, Charlie didn’t even see it.

Dunkin’ is planning to discontinue using styrofoam coffee cups in favor of double-walled paper cups. Regulars are eager to hold them to see what gets hotter – their fingers, or the burning in their stomachs.