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Chicago & Philadelphia are Numbers 1 & 2 on pest control company Orkin’s ‘Worst Bed Bug Cities’ list. Orkin workers say bed bug treatments are worst in those cities because the bed bugs are armed.

DoorDash will deliver Girl Scout Cookies. But go get your own goddamn pizza and Chinese food, say Girl Scouts.

Donald Trump abruptly ended an interview with NPR after being confronted about his lies regarding election fraud. The interviewer accepted some of the blame, saying he shouldn’t have booked the talk so close to the start of ‘Justice with Judge Jeanine’.

Friends say Pete Davidson is “bringing out the best” in Kim Kardashian. She’s also “hiding the worst” since her four kids aren’t around when they get together.

Several East Coast cities in the grip of a cold snap cancelled outdoor COVID testing events, for fear that those waiting in line could suffer from exposure, and because the swabs kept getting stuck in people’s noses.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson apologized for attending a “bring your own booze” party during the COVID lockdown. He also apologized for showing up to the party with Coors Light.

North Korea is in the midst of a fertilizer shortage, and is pleading with citizens to make more manure. In other news, North Korea is opening its first Taco Bell.

A man entered the cockpit of an American Airlines jet pre-flight and damaged instruments before being arrested. He now holds the distinguished title of being the first person duct-taped into the Captain’s Chair.

Bank of America is reducing its overdraft fees, and eliminating insufficient funds penalties for bounced checks. However, the fee for Bank of America customers using an out-of-network ATM increases to $500 per transaction.

The U.S. Mint announced the first-ever American Women Quarters Program, where images of women appear on 25-cent pieces. When you turn the quarter upside-down, their clothes come off.

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Jennifer Woodley, 40, former CEO of Make-A-Wish Iowa, pleaded guilty to embezzling over $40,000. Because of her theft, dozens of sick children had their wishes delayed, all of which were “getting the hell out of Iowa”.

Anheuser-Busch will buy Americans over age 21 “a round of beer” if 70% of them are vaccinated by July 4th. White Claw will do the same for Americans aged 12-20.

West Virginia is offering guns as prizes in its vaccine lottery. “I won!” said a 7th grader.

U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson married fiancee Carrie Symonds in a secret ceremony on Saturday, after he finally agreed to brush his hair.

‘From The Desk of Donald J. Trump’, a blog started by the former President, was taken down after just one month. Trump instead plans to focus on a podcast which he’ll quit after a week or two.

A 3-year-old piano prodigy will perform at Carnegie Hall – marking the first time a featured artist plays a curated medley of ‘Heart & Soul’, ‘Jingle Bells’ & ‘Chopsticks’.

Investigators searching through a deceased Australian man’s “hoarder house” found the mummified body of a burglar he’d shot and killed 15 years ago. It was on a pile of 20 other mummified bodies he was saving.

A 77-year-old Brooklyn man was charged with trying to lure two young boys, ages 5 & 7, in to his car with candy. The plot failed because the boys had no idea what Life Savers are.

A Colorado man was mauled by a bear in his garage, where he stored birdseed. The man survived, and the bear plans to return when the menu improves.

A New Hampshire hiker died after tying a hammock to a dead spruce tree, which fell on him as he slept. Nobody heard anything.

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The WNBA New York Liberty waived Layshia Clarendon, the league’s first trans & non-binary player. After being claimed off waivers, Clarendon now identifies as a Minnesota Lynx.

Fans have been banned for dumping popcorn, throwing a water bottle, and spitting on, players in Washington, Philadelphia and New York. The fans explained they behaved this way at NBA Playoff games because they couldn’t get NHL Playoff tickets.

Ben & Jerry’s still have not introduced their new CBD-infused ice cream. They say more consumer education is needed to keep people from trying to smoke it.

Kate Winslet said she told the director not to edit out her bulging belly during a sex scene in HBO series Mare Of Easttown. She also told the director not to listen to her male co-star, who asked for a 24-year-old body double for the scene.

Pope Francis has rewritten Catholic Church law regarding sexual abuse, insisting bishops take immediate action against priests who abuse minors and vulnerable adults. This replaces the Church’s existing ‘Twenty Strikes” rule for sex abuse.

China wants couples to have more kids. The government had restricted families to one child, but expanded that to three, saying all those iPhones and iPads aren’t going to build themselves.

World #2 tennis player Naomi Osaka withdrew from the French Open, citing anxiety and depression. Osaka plans to work through her faults.

UK Prime Minister Boris Johnson says he sees no evidence why England can’t reopen in June. Residents are excited to dine on terrible British food in restaurants so they don’t have to make it for themselves at home.

Tiger Woods said rehab from leg injuries suffered in a car crash is “more painful than anything I’ve ever experienced….including gonorrhea”.

A baseball player in the Dominican Republic was banned for life after attacking a home plate umpire with his bat and batting helmet. The player went 1-for-2, hitting the ump with the bat, but missing with the thrown helmet.

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Donald Trump invited two Michigan Republican state legislators to the White House, presumably to try and overturn the state’s election results. They’ll dine on Big Macs while Trump serves them that Whopper.

Joe Biden was once again declared the winner of Georgia after the state hand-counted all of its ballots, and even some extra ones they were sent from New York.

A Long Island couple was identified after their 300-person October wedding turned into a COVID-19 superspreader event. 34 people were infected, and the rest were still pissed off about the cash bar.

The Centers for Disease Control recommended Americans not travel at all for Thanksgiving to limit exposure to COVID-19, and to their in-law’s disgusting side dishes.

Kyle Rittenhouse – the teenager accused of killing two people during demonstrations in Wisconsin – allegedly bought the AR-15 murder weapon with his $1,200 government stimulus check. He asked for more ammo in his letter to Santa.

Walmart released its Black Friday deals online – resulting in trampling injuries to multiple toothless hicks trying to be first to use the computer.

Priti Patel, an adviser to British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has been accused of bullying her staff following a government inquiry. It’s so bad, they call her Ugli Patel.

Mossimo Giannulli reported for his five-month sentence in the college admissions scandal. He shaved his head before entering, presumably to get the first-ever Aunt Becky prison scalp tattoo.

Geraldo Rivera told Fox News he thinks the COVID-19 vaccine should be named after Trump. Asked which one, he said whichever one is injected against a person’s will.

BuzzFeed acquired HuffPost – leaving experts worried about more consolidation of sources of serious journalism.

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Workers erected a ‘non-scalable’ fence around the White House grounds before the election. Wednesday marks the debut of Melania – Slovenian Human Cannonball.

A judge has ordered Phil Collins ex-wife Orianne and her new husband to vacate Collins’ Miami mansion by mid-January. “So, just another 70 days for you & me in paradise” said Orianne to her husband.

A federal judge ordered the U.S. Postal Service to use the Express Mail system to handle mail-in ballots this week, creating hundreds of new jobs for mules.

British Prime Minister Boris Johnson said the U.K. coronavirus lockdown may extend into next year – anything to keep the Dickens Christmas Carolers off the streets.

Talk show host Jeannie Mai was hospitalized with epiglottitis and withdrew from Dancing With The Stars, with both experiences leaving her pretty choked up.

Cardi B officially dropped divorce proceedings with husband Offset, notifying lawyers to file a motion of WAP – Withdraw All Paperwork.

Johnny Depp lost his libel lawsuit against British tabloid The Sun for calling him a wife beater. Depp plans to appeal, and to start a new career in the NFL.

KleinVision demonstrated its AirCar flying car during an event in Slovakia. It reached an altitude of 1500 feet and completed two takeoffs and landings. Sadly. on its third trip a 16-year-old Slovakian kid backed it into a stop sign while trying to parallel park.

Scaled-back Thanksgiving celebrations amidst the pandemic are worrying turkey farmers – but delighting families of turkeys who never imagined the whole gang getting together.

Donald Trump clarified his remarks about declaring early victory on Election Night – saying what he meant was he’ll be getting the McRib a full month ahead of its December relaunch.